Safe from retrenchment (for now)

Good news yesterday during the meeting. It seems that our department is not affected by the recent changes in the company. Status quo as the department head said. So looks like all the rumours, gossip and speculation running around has no basis after all. It was a good series of meetings yesterday that left every body feeling good. Of course, there are a lot of changes already happening in our department as part of the global changes to improve efficiency which started about 2-3 years ago.

I feel better now with a sense of relief for the medium term. But the announcement 4-5 months ago has motivated me to learn new things like blogging, attending all sorts of seminars and completing my communication course. I have also updated my resume and looked at the want ads to know what is out there. So it was a good exercise for me as well and I think I have to keep doing this exercises to keep me ready.

I was not able to speak during the question and answer sessions and kept my opinions bottled up. It is something I should work on because I often have good questions to ask a day after. The regional boss kept talking about the success we did in India a year ago where I was directly involved being stationed there for 4 months. So it was a direct acknowledgment of our efforts and I felt uneasy. Again it was not about me but our department's attention to emerging markets like India. I think I should have spoken out about improving the delivery model for emerging markets like India. This interesting thought only came to me this morning.

I felt paranoid again and shy during the question and answer session again. I alwys feel awkward during public meetings. So improving my social intelligence is an area I have to look at. I post an old mind map I did in 2003 about cognitive theraphy which will also help me correct my wrong thinking patterns.

Plan for other options

I am attending a meeting today with the rest of my department for the whole morning until lunch. In the afternoon, my department will have a coffee break with the management team for an informal discussion. It will be an eventful day. My mind went in overdrive again when one of my customers joked with me that I will be sent back to my homeland. This sent my imagination working again and I was thinking that he heard something about my fate from somebody maybe Philip. I think that is the main problem with paranoia: that everyone seems to know a secret about my fate except me.

Perhaps this line of thinking started again in overdrive when I saw the gossip brigade meeting together in-groups today and talking in whispers. This always happens when something is afoot or some mischief is being planned. My friend KG noticed the same thing and mentioned it to me yesterday. We think we found out the reason, which is that our floor is moving up into the top floor after the people who were retrenched leave the company in the coming months. So our floor will be vacated and we will be moving up together with the boss man’s company.

I saw one of my old supervisors (who are part of the gossip brigade) in the boss man’s office yesterday afternoon with my nemesis and Philip. My paranoia thought that some conspiracy is planned against me which kick started my imagination. But after discussion with KG, we both agreed that it is about the impending move of our offices to another floor. I think that after this month most of our fears will be settled after these series of informal meeting with management. I think I am ready for any eventuality.

Last night I attended a talk on casino management. They say this will be the hot thing in the coming years. A few weeks back I attended a talk as well about wealth management while the night before I went to a seminar on nature photography. I am attending all sorts of things to widen my horizon and I want to be ready for any career shift. But the professor who talked last night mentioned that 5 titles are hotly required in the world today and I have 2 of them: MBA and PMP. Another one is CFP, which is a certified financial planner. If I get myself certified then I have a good chance of having wider options in case I get retrenched.

Being a sport agent

This week is supposed to be significant based on the rumor mill. This is the week where the significant news will come out especially with the arrival of our global head plus the meeting with our regional bosses. But somehow it is turning out into a non-event. I don’t feel any anxiety on any impending news. In fact, people now expect the news to be good. My friend KG is also in good spirits nowadays when in the past he is always the harbinger of bad news or rumors. Things seem to be improving for the better.

My other project is soon going to go live. I had a problem the past few days when I submitted the actual man-days used so far in the subject. It was wrong and my immediate supervisor spotted the problem right away. I picked up the figure from the application that tracks our timesheet all over the company. I was able to get the correct figures which was much lower than before but the business team still thinks it’s high. But I cannot do anything because it’s seems that the figures this time are correct after confirming with the development team.

I went to boss man’s office yesterday and chatted with Philip and the other staff. I also spoke with the critical boss. Philip issued an email yesterday that potentially could have gone out of control. But I was able to diffuse the issue despite the inclusion of the critical boss. The bottom line is that these guys need attention and I should apportion some time everyday to talk or write to them. So the issue then is time management and I should set aside a portion to the boss man’s company and staff.

The business project manager of my other project is getting concerned. I have known him for nearly 10 or so years having worked together many times in the past. I think he is not too critical of the way I handle the project because he knows me and we both worked on successful projects in the past. I really have to focus on the developer working on this project. The team leads in the development side play an important role and like the rest of the people I need to put some attention to them as well. I am reminded of the movie ‘Jerry Maguire’ and I seem to play the role of the sports agent working with a lot of stars with big egos.

So far so good..

I met with the accounting manager yesterday. I plan to meet with the logistics and quality control heads before the weekend. It was a good meeting. I think the interpersonal interaction between us is the key task to get a good impression that we are focusing on their needs. It is only the critical purchasing manager who is the problem. I received more requests from him yesterday. Look like he is piling up his requests to keep us really busy in the coming months. Or as a moving target as well.

I had a difficult conversion with Philip and the development team yesterday. A change request done last February had problems. So I decided to hold the request until we get an authorization from an appropriate manager to approve the modification requested by Philip. I think it was the first time that I publicly disagreed with Philip in front of the developer. Although the meeting was done via a phone conference and was civilized. I did not want to do it but my hand was forced. I think I need to patch up with Philip by communicating more with him.

The session with the accounting manager went well and we traded stories. I told him of the coming meeting this week with our global head scheduled this Friday. He is doing his presentation in Thailand, Japan and China before coming over. He is with our regional boss. I think we may expect some announcement from him regarding the company re-organization. Also on Friday, we will be having an informal meeting with the human resource head and regional boss in the afternoon. It is meant as a sharing session to understand our concerns and issues. I think it is an attempt to keep our morale up for those who were not retrenched. We will soon find out.

The meetings and interactions with the managers, Philip, the development team and myself will determine how we will succeed this year especially in reporting our progress to the boss man. The coordination between these actors and the resulting way we structure and organize our work and coordination between us needs to be effective and efficient. At least the way forward is now a bit clearer including the prevailing atmosphere in the office due to the retrenchment exercise. So far, signs indicate that there will be no significant impact in our department as well as the other service centers.

Challenges ahead

Yesterday I attended a meeting with the Accounting team regarding the major change on functional currency. We estimated together the budget and resources that are needed to undertake the change. This is the ‘nightmare’ scenario where modifications are needed while the ‘dream’ scenario would be to replace the old application with a new ERP. Unfortunately, It may look like we may proceed with the ‘nightmare’ scenario. But the accounting head gave an interesting and simple solution that may make our jobs easier. We will look into this option when the decision is made. The fact that we are studying this option vindicated my earlier proposal to the boss man to study the extent and risk of internal changes. He severely criticized me and called me ‘dangerous dreamer’. Maybe he is eating his words now.

I have to meet the other managers to continue the consultation and communication with the boss man’s team. This is more a public relations exercise to keep his managers informed and abreast of the developments in our work. I think it will be good sign that we are engaged. Things are looking up in our work with them. Yesterday I also met with the security head and we will be fleshing out the disaster recovery plan for the S team. So it looks like we will be able to deliver the impression that we are dedicated and focused on the boss man’s company. Major challenges this year is the major accounting change and the S project.

I also heard yesterday that the India office is planning to upgrade their system. I worked in the India office for 4 months when they moved to their present system. The current proposal is to upgrade their system to the latest version. I think my rival will request me to help the India team work on this project. I enjoyed my stay in New Delhi and I have a few friends in the office. But I cannot help feeling that like last year, whenever I am starting to get successful with the S project, people tend to assign me to India. I cannot help but feel that my old boss is up to his tricks again. He was the person who first assigned me to the India project 2 years ago. I also felt the same thing when he assigned me over there, which is to dampen my earlier success with the boss man.

If this is the case, it will not be as easy as before. This project was not planned last year during the capacity planning exercise. So it is a new and sudden project. I will not agree to leave my work with the S team until I finish the major projects despite my affection to India and the team in New Delhi. There are a few problems in the horizon in the development team and I need to focus on this area. This concerns the turnover of staff and the implementation of the new process. This transformation has to be handled delicately as well as looking for another outsource company to help the internal team.

Vindication?

The meeting with the critical manager went well. In fact I spent most of my time at their office yesterday. I was consulted on a few areas particularly on Logistics and Accounting. I think it is a good sign. I also learned that the proposal I made on a meeting a few months back is being done which is to study the effect of a major program change. I was called a dangerous thinker for making that suggestion. Now it may be the direction, which the headquarters may eventually decide on. The boss man is making a presentation next week and was asking his people to prepare some materials. So maybe I am getting vindication at last.

I started using the journal feature of my email program to note down my meeting notes. It is a good habit to do the meeting minutes via this feature during the meeting. It was great and I am getting more organized. The U project, another one I am doing with my countryman, is going well. In fact my focus and attention on this project caused me to neglect my other work – the S project which caused the anger of the boss man last year. The manager of the U project is one of our best staff and I learned a lot from him. It is actually a fun project and I get to learn about his habits and the way he works.

I attended a seminar on project management last night. The speaker was very good and entertaining from Texas, USA. The key point I learned was projects are decentralized structures and if one attempts to enforce control then the effectiveness is affected and lowers productivity. Applying this lesson to the S project, I should allow the discourse between the developers and Philippe to continue, as he is the functional analyst. I should concentrate more on managing the process. I think this perspective allows me greater freedom and control. It also gives mere a better understanding of my role and allows me to work better from this perspective. Hence, I am working from a different level now than before.

Previously, I wanted to control the flow of information by being the middleman. But I realize that this is the old reaction done by most people in the past because they are unaware of their true role. It is the instinctive reaction to maintain power and control. In fact, trying to control the flow of information is counter productive and will reduce the growth of the staff because it does not allow empowerment. The change of perception to manager and removing the instinct to control is probably the best insight that I have had in years. This insight suddenly allows me to maneuver at a different playing field than in the past.

Networking

I spoke with the manager I will be meeting tomorrow afternoon to confirm our meeting. I need to be really on my toes this time around. No time for silly charm but a hard nose meeting. I always thought I could meet clients and allow my pleasant personality to keep things right. But it is more like snake-oil sales man approach in the past rather than a cold business like approach. It is now the real thing where everything must not be taken for granted. I should document everything and in case of any dispute, elevate the issue to the boss man for arbitration. It is a step up on the level of the game. Feels like customer management with teeth where the customers are sharks or live tigers that have the ability to eat you alive.

I patched things up with Philippe I think yesterday by talking to him and discussing his memo. I think he understands. I have to put attention on our business relationship. I spoke also to my development team supervisor on the phone to patch things up as well. I have to place some attention to them as well especially to her as she is the key person in the team. There is a lot of things that I need to put attention on especially since we have kick started the S project again. I have to make the team ready so they can handle the job. I only have a few weeks left, as the project should be up and running again by mid-April.

I am back in the mode of having to get a project up and running. The usual method of working with the proper protocol with the so-called delivery model is just not working. I think I can justify this by saying the project is not the usual one following the new delivery model since it is just a simple project. But I have to patch my relationship with the head of the offshore development company. We had a small run-in with him on another project we were doing with them. I guess this is really the ways things are in an organization. Working in a company is really the managing of the many business relationships and partnerships one have with the many actors in the game. It’s like a web or network of alliances in the organization to get things done.

Last night I attended a talk about wealth management strategy. The speaker is a millionaire who is the owner of the school who is offering the diploma. A good speaker who has a good persuasive ability to convince his audience. He is not as charismatic as other good speakers that I have seen and heard but his appeal only lies on his so-called ability to make money. This is the only point that the diploma course that he is promoting will do: to help you make a lot of money. Still a good way to spend a free evening to hear people like that talk as he mentioned a few interesting ideas such as investing in shop houses as office space not as residential homes. I am thinking of being a professional speaker one-day as a second career when things don’t turn out right at my office.

The Email Attack

I sent out an email proposing to meet the boss man’s managers yesterday morning to discuss their requirements. I received a good note from the boss man right after I sent the mail. It was the first good note after a long while. Unfortunately Philippe came and responded to my mail by drafting a process, which I did not agree with. I had to decline his initiative because it does not conform to our process defined by my company. Meeting the boss man’s managers individually and not via a formal meeting is enough of a concession for them already. I guess I have to expect this type of reaction as I try to exert more independence. But I think Philippe is missing the point of the exercise.

The exercise is actually political in nature. The object of the exercise is to meet the manager’s and learn their needs. In case of any dispute, to raise the issue for arbitration to the boss man. It is a way for the boss man to be in control of the situation and allow the managers to directly express their needs to me but in a controlled manner. They cannot just speak out and say what they want because their feed back will be documented and presented to the boss man. The big guy will be ready to take out his big stick and whack anybody, including me, who falls out of line. But at least it will be a unique opportunity to have the boss man on my side instead of against me in the opposing side.

The main challenge now is to keep Philippe in the loop and try not to ruffle his feathers too much. He is an important part of the equation. He is a great help to us especially to the development team so I have to keep him in my side. Or at least not to push him to the opposing side. There is one manager of the boss man who is always very vocal and critical. This is the person who is the main concern. To have him and Philippe in one side is a danger, which needs to be addressed. This person is known as the noisy manager and he replied immediately to my email stating that he is available anytime for the meeting. It was this positive reaction I believe that prompted the boss man’s note that praised my email.

So the game is afoot. The exchange of emails from the boss man, Philippe, noisy manager and myself is the start of a very subtle political game, which I should have grasped long ago. But it was my emotional reaction to the tirades of the boss man during the past meetings that I missed the point. Now I begin to see the whole picture and it will be a climb back for me to get back into their good graces. I think I am a different person now than in the past years and I am ready to discern the subtleties of the situation. Principally because I now know more about their system, we have a new process of working and I have just completed my basic communication course. I did my 10th speech last night and felt that I have crossed some personal threshold. The speech was entitled ‘Transformation’.

My speech did not win any awards during the speech contest but it did not matter to me. What mattered is the benefit and experience I gained participating in the training course and contest. I think it is the experience that allows me to detect the subtleties within the event because I am now equipped to respond to the situation. It is this awareness plus the possession of the skills to respond to that new awareness. Lurking behind all these events is my former boss who is just waiting in the wings to grab the business away from me. He is a supreme opportunist and he may be orchestrating things behind my back. He may be the hidden actor in the game.

False Alarm

The meeting with the customer went well early yesterday morning. There were moments where we had a few misunderstanding with the boss man but I was able to recover in time. The boss man was even trying to help and all his staff were in awe of him. But he handled the meeting very well and he guided us to a good conclusion. Still a lot of work to be done by his staff but he did it in a gentle way. After they finish their requirements, the ball goes over to my court and I have to prepare the team who will work on this project. The head of the team is a bit difficult to work with and her key staff will be leaving soon. So it will be another challenge for them to keep it on track. Some initial dates where set and hope to meet them. Look likes the game is now afoot.

I will be sending out an email on the individual meetings we would have to the boss man’s managers. It is a formal announcement that we will be actively striving to improve our communication. There seems to be a breakdown and I seem to hold the key to its solution simply by talking to them. If ever I get into a conflict with the managers then I bring the case up for arbitration with the boss man. So things seem to be turning our way again despite the nasty meetings in the past month. I have to carry the ball more often instead of letting Philippe do the work. I think I now have a clear idea of my role in the scheme of things. I should let him be the functional expert while I am the manager or coordinator.

The boss man mentioned in the meeting that we all learn from our mistakes and it was a good sign for us to make mistakes especially for my case where the first phase did not turn out well so it was stopped. I think I am getting to understand more the way to work with him. It just means following his whims, which admittedly are more sensible than most managers do. It is just the conflict with some of his staff and the politics of certain people that have confused me in the past. So now the game has been raised to a different level and I hope to be prepared.

I have a speech contest tonight and it’s actually my last project before I earn a certificate on communication. We will also have a meeting with our management on the end of this month. It will be about the retrenchment going on and I think this will be the first time we will get an indication of the fate of our department. I do not think we will be affected based on the feedback I get from people. The supposed job offer that I thought the boss man was making was actually a false alarm. It is the creation of a new position that needs to be approved by the gods at headquarters first before anything can be done. We will find out soon enough.

Monday Stress

I had another nasty meeting with the boss man yesterday. But I had a chance to stay calm and explain my self. It feels like we have entered another difficult level in the game. A more difficult and challenging level where I need to keep him in the loop with regards to communicating with his managers. In the past few years, the boss man has been generous with me despite his frequent outburst. But it is a part of his nature and he does show some consideration to the people he likes. It is just now in the recent months that the attitude has changed due to the circumstances in our company. It is also due to the politics that is occurring behind my back. I think it is something being done is at a subtle level.


I did not sleep well last night due to the heat and my troubles at the office. I increased the fan and had a chance to get a few sessions of sleep. With the recent layoffs and the troubles with the boss man, I have come face to face with the prospect of losing my job. It is a stark reality especially at my age. I have experienced company closures in the past. But I survived by moving on to the company that bought the old one or moving to another subsidiary. Now the situation is different with the prospect of leaving this company, which I worked on for 10 years or this industry, which I was in for about 15 years. The stakes have changed and I am faced with confronting this situation which requires attention and spirit.


It is nothing to get panicky about but to move forward coldly in a manner that is different from my nature. But I will go down fighting and hope with a good severance package if worst comes to worst. I think I would still need to express my desire to work for the boss man despite his nature because it will offer hopefully some job stability in this country instead of moving to the other countries like Thailand and China. I think it will be good especially with the kids finishing secondary school and moving on to junior college and hopefully college.


Yesterday I had al sorts of stress such as missing training sessions, access to certain applications don’t work so I had to call the help desks, things not working so it felt hectic. But strangely my mind is in the grip of things like those doctors in the television show ER jumping from one medical problem to another. But they are able to keep their composure during the day and focus their attention on the tasks at hand. It is their grasp of the technical and medical problems plus their ability to interact with each other during stressful situations perhaps closely resemble my work. In this situation my patients are the malfunctioning computer applications and the people I work with are the boss man and the others in the company. What are missing are perhaps the romances at work and other fun stuff.

Taking the Bait

So many things to do today. I am attending a series of training this week until next. I am working on another project and I cannot seem to devote the appropriate attention it deserves. But it is progressing because I have good people working with me. It is this other work I do with the boss man that keeps me occupied. I wanted to do some writing during the weekend but I sabotaged my time by borrowing a lot of films. So I spent most of my free time watching movies when I should have been focusing on my personal project of writing a book.

According to some self-help book, this is the way the mind distracts oneself by escaping from the task at hand. I read recently that it is due to the way the left and right brain handle a task. Writing means a long lone endeavor, which the right brain cannot seem to focus on. It prefers to do tasks that can be done right away in one sitting. At least, that is one explanation I have read in another self help book. So the trick is to focus on other tasks if the right brain is agitated enough to try to sabotage one’s work. For instance, on pre-writing routines like organizing and setting up the plot, etc. I admit it is an interesting theory worth a shot.

I am participating in a speech contest on Wednesday. I have the speech all ready and I am memorizing it so I can do it without reading. It is my final project before I get a certificate. I wonder why I have been chosen though I have been doing these types of speaking intuitively at work as demanded. But now is the first time that I am able to develop these skills properly in a methodical way. A good way to spend my time after work and does not take much as only once a month meetings.

I was thinking over the weekend about the comments made by the boss man. I think I will speak to him and say that I like to work for him. At least express my desire to help in the coming big project to replace their systems. I will know if I read his signals right. If I am accepted, it will be a move a way from my natural work in computers. It will be more administrative and operational for most of the time. But it will offer more stability though less travel unlike in the past. I think I will jump at this chance. Let’s see what happens.

Job Offer?

During the meeting the boss man made some strange comments that after a few hours after the meeting made me think. It seems that he brought out a job offer on the table for the meeting participants to consider. Or at least that was what it seemed to me when I started to think about these comments. I brought out my views to my friend in that company who is in a senior position. He seems to agree with the ambivalence or vagueness of the comment that it could a job offer as well. But he pointed out that the three other people in the room seem to be qualified for the new job that the boss man is thinking of.


I believe the offer came due to certain circumstance in his company as well as the events happening in my own. It seems like he is throwing a lifeline to my rival and I? Perhaps it is another over imagined situation with my thought playing it’s usual games. But the boss man gave a specific time frame where we need to talk to him, which is next week when he makes his decision. It can also mean an offer for Philippe to jump at the job and move in the world. In this scenario, I will be happy for him if he does because it will be a step up. In case he does not get the job, I think I will express my wish for the job as well only if Philippe declines.

The self-help book I am reading proposes the use of a value tool to try and list down the series of things where I state my values and the other members of the team who work with me. So here goes:


1. Increase the training if my staff by scheduling training for them
2. Empower them and allow them to express their views and initiatives
3. Encourage them to be more expressive and proactive
4. Limit my role and avoid micro-managing
5. Allow contributors like Philippe to shine as well
6. Upgrade my participation as a leader to chart the direction and provide leadership
7. Explain the goals or direction clearly and aligned to company directions


This is an interesting exercise and the first time I have contemplated on how to improve others instead of just myself. I think the challenge is how I can be proactive and manage a team instead of just myself.

Victory for the Moment

The meeting went well with the boss man. He was in expansive and generous moods though with some skirmishes with his usual flashes of brutality. But I survived and enjoyed the meeting. He listened and approved my ideas, which was a good triumph for the other people who were present in the meeting that I think are attacking me behind my back. The thing about the meeting was that it was the first time I felt I was managing something. Hilariously I felt that I was a real manager, not the idealistic grasping of some one who aspires to be one, but a grizzled veteran who has experienced a few trials. It was a refreshing and world-weary feeling if ever that was possible.

I felt in that instant that I was no longer the technical person trying to be the best there is by knowing all the little technical secrets. In this environment with the customer, I will never beat Philippe who has been there for many years. I cannot compete as well with the technical team who are the developers in my home country. So my value and contribution, I realized was in managing this process. It was in fact leading the team to the desired destination. It was something that I have been doing unconsciously and without confidence. Now I realized that it was my role that I have to play. I know that it is also due to all the training that I have been receiving in the past months regarding the so-called re-organization of our department.

It was a realization I had when I saw that the development team and the customer were talking directly. I felt that I was by-passed and that I needed to insert myself into the process. I wanted them to stop and bring my authority into the fray but I luckily pulled myself back and allowed them to continue. I knew that our present success is due to their empowerment and I should get out of the way and let them proceed on their own. But I realized they were proceeding based on my plan. It was a plan I proposed last December, which is now bearing fruit. So it was a plan that met some resistance at the customer’s end and which is now an accepted practice. Now I am extending the changes with a new process, which I have to lead. So the key word here is leadership.

Some affirmation exercises with negative blurts:

1. I am a good project manager. (Blurts: no you are not. You are confused and lazy and do know what to do.

2. I am a proactive manager. (Blurts: you are reactive and a control freak. You really lack talent.)

3. I am a good group leader. (Blurts: you are a domineering dictator who wants things done his way.)

Some affirmation exercises with positive blurts:

1. I am a good project manager. My team appreciates the input, leadership and direction I bring.

2. I am a proactive manager. I empower and adapt positively to the situation.

3. I am a good group leader. I provide good, clear and sensible directions.

Meeting Anxiety

Today I have a meeting with the dreaded ‘boss man’. The president of the company we support. Actually he is very decisive and brilliant based on any standard. It is surviving the meeting that matters. My challenge is to rise above the technical areas and focus more on the business side especially on management issues that needs decision. This is an area I am weak on or lose focus on as I drone more on the technical domain, which leaves the others especially him irritated. So this becomes my personal challenge today and I have prepared an array of topics, which will keep him focused on the right direction instead of on me. Hence, focus on the issues and the process.

In the meeting will be my so-called rival who is jockeying for position. I believe she is trying to get my job by spreading some rumors around especially my impending retrenchment. But this is not the case as she is in the same boat as myself. In fact, speaking with my former boss who is more attuned to the goings on at the top level, it looks like she maybe in more trouble than myself. This again is another area I should take out of my mind because it is irrelevant to the task at hand. Thought like this taint the imagination and color my viewpoint and affect the actions I take. I should focus more on the main task and avoid mental distraction and, yes, faulty thinking.

I have been attending training seminars these past few weeks. Sometimes I start reacting emotionally when some attention is focused on the other attendees. I feel that I should get more attention with my status and years of service. This is another ego problem that I also have when I report in the management meeting. As the boss man has mentioned, I should be less emotionally and coldly assess the situation. I have pinpointed this fault which is more on my emotional reaction. From the self-help books I read, it is because I am more right brained than left brained. Perhaps I am just more bird-brained.

From a spiritual point of view, the Buddhist call this the ‘’monkey mind" – where the mind flits from one idea to another, driven by sensations perceived by the senses. Nowadays we are more sophisticated where we have things like cognitive therapy or cognitive restructuring or psychology to help us understand and control the mind. Perhaps this is why the self-help book proposes the early morning practice of meditation. I guess it is this area that is getting the most attention.

I am less tense after speaking with my former boss. His comments on the restructuring exercise are similar to my thoughts. Perhaps I will escape the ax after all. At least give me a year or so until 2008 so I have more preparation. I think the major decisions will be coming out in the last quarter of 2007 and not the first or second quarter of this year. Let’s see…

Toxic people

The self-help book I am reading advises to avoid toxic people especially when trying to improve oneself. Good advise as I am getting bored with the usual crowd I have lunch with almost every day at the office. There is to much argument and back-biting and criticism of other people at work. With my experiments on cognitive restructuring (wow!), I am trying to correct my faulty thinking. This is especially helpful when I myself am criticized by the internal customers I worked with at the office. The boss of the company we support has called me many names such as a marshmallow (because I keep changing my opinion), a ghost (because I should not tell the customer what they need but just listen) and weak (because I cannot protect my views with other assertive people).

I think in the back of my mind that he is saying these because he wants me to improve. In fact he is a nice guy personally and it is only in the business environment that he is very demanding. He has a well-deserved reputation for being a tough boss. So my self-esteem is a bit fragile these days and being around toxic people is not helpful. I may descend into a spiral of vindictiveness and self-pity if I always listen to negative people. I think the key word is to be positive. This would be difficult because I often like the crowd I keep who are really capable and decent people and one cannot have a perfect environment.

Last night I attended a photography club meeting where a professional photographer gave an interesting lecture. It was a good night with a lot of picture being shown. I should have joined a photography course much earlier. I focused more on the stock market, which was not bad, except that I increased my investments just before the recent market correction. Now I have to wait until the market improves and rises again. I guess life really has it’s ups and down!

Tomorrow I will have our monthly meeting with ‘the boss man’ himself. It is always a stressful event though I tend not to show it. Sometimes I feel that I am running out of things to say especially with my recent failures on the data warehouse project we were doing. I guess I should strategize and plan how the meeting should proceed. I am too emotional during the meeting which I cannot help it because ‘the boss man’s attitude is very accommodating and charming and I cannot help bring down my defenses. Perhaps I mistake him for a father figure that I try to please him by bending backwards on my positions. Now that is a new thought! In fact, despite the negative rating I have gotten last year, I still have this hope that he will help me in the end in case the retrenchment hits me.

Cognitive Restructuring

The book I am reading encourages the use of jealousy maps to bring out our inner tension and act on it. This is a more positive reaction than to muck around and feel envy. That is the difference: to distinguish between jealousy and envy as envy is the more sinister variety. Jealousy allows us to act and do something about. So let’s give it a try:

Who: Alice
Why: Alice is always the center of things with good skills in presentation
Action Antidote: Stop moping around and act natural and be more sociable

I think this is a good exercise in so-called cognitive restructuring. A technique that tries to correct faulty thinking. I guess that is what is happening when I get anxious and fearful. So if the triggering thought is ‘’I will lose my job’’ then one should respond with ‘’I will find another good job’’.

Last night I had a dream where a colleague – actually one of the customer I worked with (one who often criticizes my work and therefore gives me pressure) and I had lunch together. I did not have money and he gave me the money I needed to buy food. We sat down together in a place with a pool and had our lunch. It is a strange dream. Especially involving someone that I am often at odds with at work although he seems to be reasonable and we often have some good moments as well. I saw him in the hallway yesterday and he gave me a strange look. My imagination started to play again (faulty thinking) and I thought that his look meant that he knew something about me. Perhaps he knew that I would be retrenched soon. SO may strange and paranoid thoughts swirling around. I guess it was this encounter that may have triggered my dream.

During these days of change at the office, one cannot help but misinterpret signals one gets from other people. The tension always results in faulty thinking and paranoia like who is next in the chopping block. Admittedly the company it doing it’s best to prevent this kind of thing by being above board and open in all its actions. I guess this is the best time to correct one’s thinking otherwise one will be an emotional mess. I like my friend Paul who was retrenched but he is taking it very well. In fact he invited me to play golf last Saturday and we had a good time.

Dead Duck

Things are moving fast at the office. I am often relegated to the sidelines. But I have no urge to control events. In fact, I allow events to proceed and empower the staff to do their work. I am glad that they have a lot of initiative and I just manage the major policy initiatives. Unfortunately this has resulted in my being perceived as not adding any value. In the company’s retrenchment exercise, I seem to end right smack in the candidate list to be retrenched. I cannot focus as well on my other projects as I am stretched too thin with so many things to do. Really the role is more of a coordinator than anything else is and to strive to be more will just bring resentment and diminish the initiatives of the staff.

Somehow I am glad this exercise has occurred. I think it something that needs to be done every 5 years or so to keep things fresh in the organization. Otherwise work can be pretty stagnant and stale with lack of innovation. The employees just need to stay relevant and avoid being stuck in a rut. Even if we do get retrenched, it is a further challenge to look for another job and keep one more attuned to the market. Of course it is a painful process but the only way to keep young I guess.

I cannot wallow in self-pity just waiting for the ax to fall. It is depressing to think like that and I cannot help but feel like that. I guess it must be the same for some people in the office to face one’s demons and endure. But one should not just lie down and die but move forward and try to contribute to events. These things always result in people thinking about emigrating, to search for more greener pastures or perhaps a more stable life. In fact, this is the second country that I have worked in at a long period of time. Perhaps now is the time to plan to immigrate to another country. Perhaps it will be some place with less change. But no one really can escape change.

Transformation

I am reading an interesting book which recommends writing morning pages as a way to transform oneself. Basically a journal written first thing in the morning. So here goes. The recent retrenchments has made me resentful of a colleague one is much younger than me. I work closely with her and we worked together in a few projects. In fact she is a very hard working and friendly person. She has a way of being charming and gets the attention to others. She has a good ability to be proactive and talk with people as she has had good experience in sales and consulting work. As for myself, I often see that she is the center of conversation and most people speak highly of her.

I sometimes resent this as I feel that I am better qualified but it is really the old persons feeling that one is better due to seniority. But my work record is not that bad and I have achieved a certain good reputation all these years at the office. The main thing is that she has an ability, which I lack and that is to communicate well with people especially with top management people. I seem to be blocked fatally in this respect. I better communicate with the rank and file and staff level personnel. But I seem to be intimidated by higher-ranking people that I tend to have an inner dialogue with myself. The internal critic so to speak. This is one thing that I lack and I often tend to keep to myself with all my internal noise that prevents me from engaging in the moment. So I am in self-pitying mode which prevents me from speaking up.

This is the main reason I have joined a communication course to try and open me up. My internal dialogue is preventing me from relaxing and being successful. But I think the communication course is showing some fruits and it is the final battle with my internal voice, which I should stop. The noise is deafening at times filed with pre-conceived thoughts caused by fear and anxiety. It is also the mind second guessing people in an attempt to be superior to the other. MY main challenge at work is the support done for another company. The boss is a well-known pain in the ass although he is known for being brilliant. He has a well-deserved reputation of being a tough boss. I cannot seem to communicate well with him and I am often an emotional wreck after my meeting with him.

I think I need to improve these core skills which I thought I had in the past. It is a core skill that I should work on and which will affect my internal roadblocks, which are what describes my personality: being aloof and prefer to be a loner, shy and quiet and uncommunicative. It challenges me to overcome my social inhibitions and stand up with more self-esteem so to speak. But the main thing is to stifle my inner critic and inner doubts and demons and relax, avoid second-guessing and just go forward and talk. But this requires a formation of some core beliefs where I do not posses much being more a relatively open person. I am often accused of being undeceive or in the words of the tough boss -> a marshmallow.

But I admit that I need to be more prepared before going into any meeting. I am often ill prepared for anything and I just go into a meeting without preparation and thought. This is one thing I need to do to carefully plan before being accused of being recklessly impudent. My former feeling of youthful defiance and seat of the pants bravado is no longer possible with the tough boss as I am stripped naked and reduced to a whimpering fool in front of his onslaught. The main reasons is that I react emotionally instead of picking the core disagreements coolly and efficiently.

The Artist Way

I feel that I will be transferred back to my hometown. I think that is a cheap way to get rid of me by the company. But then again I may be offered a better position perhaps in China to make use of my experience. I think that I have been doing well in my past performance, which should now help me. I think I have lost some passion in my work and I am reading an excellent book called "The Artist Way at Work.’ It has some good ideas on getting back my passion. I have been attending office seminars on the new tools and I think it will be helping me a lot in case I get the boot and need to look for another job.

This may be the worst outcome that could happen but I have some cards to play to stay in the country with my recent purchase of my home and my quest to get citizenship. I hope to use this to negotiate a better deal in case I am requested to transfer. Of course this would be base negotiation base in case I need to negotiate for the package. I think looking for another job will not be such a bad thing especially now that I have kept myself relevant by attending courses and seminars. Maybe it will lead to something good. Sad that it would come this way since I have been happily in this industry for roughly 18 years.

I no longer feel the anxiety which I had felt a few months back since the company announced its plan. I have tried to prepare myself psychologically by posting my resume on the online job market and I have been regularly checking the want ads. At least I know what is out there and I try to plan accordingly. I attended a free seminar on stock and index warrants and seems to be an attractive way to earn some money. With the correction in the stock markets recently, my meager investments have plummeted a little. I hope the market recovery comes some and I can liquidate some of my positions. I think the wisest thing to do is invest in ETFs that track a stock index as the best conservative investment.

There are still a lot of rumors swirling around in the office and a few people like my close friends are starting to get sarcastic. They feel that there will be a significant announcement at the end of March when our global head will be in the regional office. There is an expectation of a significant announcement and my good friend seems to fear for the worst and often would like to drown or forget his anxieties by going to a pub. I want to control my expenses so I try to avoid going out with him although our past pub-crawling has been fun.

I will soon finish my communication course this March after having completed my 10 projects. I plan to use the topic of transformation in my last project. It will be a fitting subject that will also herald my current state. If I go to a new job or get transferred out, then I really have been transformed to a new state of being.

Job Fears

I still feel a bit angry after the meeting last Friday with the S team. The president again called me names by referring to me as a ghost. So I spent the weekend completing some worksheets to make the point that I know about the technology and that I am not to blame for the project’s delay. So I sent e-mail to all the major participants and hope to get an acknowledgment. But I guess it was silly of me to expect a reply because it would be an admission that I was right. I wanted to make a point with the email: that I am an authority and technically competent on that subject, that I am still participating and leading it in my small way and to show my defiance and independence as part of a separate department.

But I had to do it in a subtle and politically correct way. I just wanted to make the point that I am not yet retrenched and that I can still add value to the project. In fact, it is a technical project and that I should move forward and assert myself. I think it will go a long way and I am sure that the president will still be critical and call me name but I have decided to be more assertive. I still have this problem communicating with him as during meetings he comes with a flurry of challenges that I sometimes manage only a weak reply. I could not seem to establish a good rapport with him that I need to consciously strive for being understood. A further challenge to my interpersonal skills.

This remains the main challenge in my work: the S project. All within the backdrop of the company retrenchment and transfer. I feel paranoid that al my local colleagues think that I should resign with all my troubles with the S project. But I am determined to stick around and wait for the outcome. If the final result is retrenchment then I will be happy to accept the retrenchment package and look for work. If I am requested to transfer to Bangkok or Shanghai then I will happily accept it as well. All these are thoughts swirling especially with certain looks and gestures from my colleagues which I interpret with meaning.

I bought an expensive toy and I sometimes regret this urge to buy. It is the curse of too much affluence. Maybe it is a way of compensating for the pressures at work. I had wanted to buy a cheaper model whose price has gone down considerably. But I finally decided to buy a more higher priced items but still with a discounted price because it had the features that I want plus some free amenities like headphones and storage card. I regret the purchase because similar purchases in the past where not well used and I have a tendency to buy things which I seldom use.

The stock market has gone done world wide and my investment value has plummeted as well. I had hoped to master the market which is really silly as a way to prepare for any retrenchment and possibly hope for an early retirement. A fool and his money is soon parted is a phrase that comes to mind. How could I even think of that strategy? I guess I read to much investment books and had dreams of being someone like Warren Buffet. With the market declines these past few days, I have no choice but to stick with it and wait out the carnage until the market recovers. I had felt perhaps that being knowledgeable about the market will make me special from my colleagues because at least I know some subject aside from work. But reality like the market crash brishe everyone back to earth.