Year End Reflection

Last week of the year was a time of reflection. I did not take any vacation like most people did in the office, instead working from home and taking online courses in sustainability. The course was an eye opener for me, to understand the science of climate change, the impact to biodiversity and the importance of the transition to low carbon lifestyle. The impact to mankind is consequential if  no change is done in our lifetime. Elon Musk is way ahead of us all by planning space travel to Mars; to be a space travelling species using his words.

I reflected on the the stressful events I encountered this year and tried the writing protocol for trauma, writing for at least 15 minutes for 4 days. The act was a relief as I recalled painful events but writing my thoughts brought order and clarity. The change in my job position, new assignments + new people in the organization and new ways of working required a positive mindset in order to adapt and change. Recognition from my department manager during our Christmas party was a welcome vindication that my actions ( and others in the department) were correct.

I deepened my practice and study of meditation and mindfulness, continue to clear out my garage, read on artificial intelligence, took courses on breathing, changed my phone and learned more about my EV. The clutter in my garage, dining room table, working table,etc. made me aware that I may have ADHD but mays also be based on trauma according to a podcast by a de-cluttering expert. Decluttering has been transformative; being aware of my impulsiveness, day-dreaming on possible futures and the impact of such mindset to my work habits.

Last week was also heartwarming as I reconnected with old friends from high school and college, getting best wishes and greeting for my birthday + season's greeting. Group chats created with old schools buddies who were interested in comics - geeks who still love super heroes,  another group chat with drinking buddies and life friends through out the years, never having lost contact; well wishes from old acquaintances at  work and in past organizations. I feel blessed with this outpouring of camaraderie from an older time before the internet.

A close cousin also passed away suddenly which saddened me. Life is indeed precious that one must live the best way one can with the time left. I grieve his loss and remember the good times together with the rest of our clan while growing up. Another close cousin had also passed away last year who was much younger than me. Perhaps this is the reason this past weeks felt more precious, with people reaching out and re-discovering each other, to reflect and possibly lead a more fruitful life.

MBCT and ACT

I finished 2 good courses on mindfulness and meditation. Actually meditation is the tool that helps you achieve mindfulness though one can achieve mindfulness by other means. Both courses are based in England which I did not expect. The last course was MBCT or Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy which combined both mindfulness and psychology theory which is the inevitable direction for mind based therapy. I do notice improvements in being in the moment as well as experiencing more episodes of procrastination by mindless surfing.

The episodes of procrastination is more to escape work stress and pressure; with to many things going on which require automatic action, or otherwise work will pile-up. I persist to relax and avoid being stressed as anxiety is also a mental construct as a result of rumination. However, mindless surfing the internet does waste time and prevent me from working on my other goals of being a writer. Hence, it it the fear of failure and performing that causes this type of procrastination that often ends up in self-gratification : a false sense of accomplishment.

I am also studying ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which allows me to manage emotions that come out of my mental constructs based on the change of my job role and the feelings of shame, anger plus flashes of revenge. Job transitions are difficult especially if one leaves the 'field of battle' with the feeling of being a failure and anger; at not being supported and being prepared for the job. My therapist said I clearly did right by extracting myself from a difficult situation. This is where the acceptance comes in and the commitment to a better path that fits my temperament.   

Mindfulness is also important in ACT which all comes together with meditation practice. I do see my challenges as also due to a possible ADHD affliction which can also be managed by meditation. I have gone through a learning process with my self-reflection and practice of meditation. I also started listening to Eckhart Tolle's new YouTube channel though I have read his work in the past. He does provide soothing words in the dark of night when rumination starts.

In fact, I have gone all in with my attempt to start anew - to transform myself with the new challenges ahead. From clearing my garage, getting rid of old stuff, recognizing impulse buying that lead to clutter, replacing my gas car with an EV, listening to Binaural beats to focus the mind and get sleep, using magnetic resonance devices and my old tDSC electrical device to stimulate my brain plus deeper and focused meditation practice. plus adding a licensed therapist session to the mix.

There is a clear attempt to transformation, to be a better person by technology, a new way of life, new learning and education on new tools. This urge is the really reason for this blog in the first place as a way of self-reflection. Perhaps I am doing too much when change can be as simple as being awake and turning left instead of right. Sometimes doing too much may make things worse and confuse more.   

 

Back to Work

My trip to California and Oregon was a welcome break. To revisit a different world and way of life to what one has not experienced enough; the West Coast vibe, the spectacular scenery such as the California coastlines and surrounding hills, desert landscape (Anza-Borrego Desert State Park), Oregon parks and waterfalls, Portland with it's quirky atmosphere, Willamette Valley and Silver Falls State Park. Wedding was the best I have attended, a young couple with bright, fun spirit and their visible love and affection; reception in a former Orchard under beautiful blue sky, drinking wine and meeting wonderful people.

We rented a house with a pool in Orange County near the church and reception venue, to avoid the traffic coming Menifee. The house was beside a park where I walked in the morning with other regular park goers; mostly Asian living in the neighborhood which made me feel more at home. I always loved Los Angeles having lived here in my youth; living with my father and brother working on a real estate project, going to work in a factory in City of Industry from our home in Glendale. Old memories came back to me especially of our trips along the highway, visits to Las Vegas, travelling the Pacific Coast highway from San Francisco to Los Angeles.

I have been to Los Angeles a few times since moving here nearly 15 years ago. I always have good memories of California;  of the feeling of freedom and being in the future. The wedding made me understand time is indeed moving fast plus my approaching retirement in a couple years. I wondered if my life had gone as planned. I looked tired and old in the wedding pictures; with old memories and old ways of thinking. I imagined that visiting California and Oregon would return me to my youth, to make me see the world as a young man and be imbued with new ideas and purpose. It was a fleeting feeling on the days after I returned home.

I completed one course on mindfulness and meditation and completing another. Based on evidence, the practice of meditation and mindfulness are proven ways to transform the mind. This will be the way to change not just a trip or vacation to the West Coast! I also started a new session with an experience therapist using my company benefit. My minds tries to go back to old patterns of toxic rumination and on consciously reminds one self to keep one's mind away from the gutter. My daily practice makes me aware of these thoughts and to seek a different framework of think; one filled with hope, optimism and light.

Running the Years

I will be in Los Angeles for my niece's wedding. Afterward, I will be in Oregon to visit my son. It will be a good vacation seeing my brother in California and revising my son. The wedding is a significant milestone in our clan's life as the first marriage of our children.  The years have gone by quickly with the challenges of life affecting our generation: 2 first cousins with a stroke, another dead with a stroke as well, and nieces and nephews growing up getting married and having kids.  

I also have my own challenges at work with the younger generation coming up and we struggle through the changes in the company, meeting new people, and adjusting to technology changes like artificial intelligence. Last week a project I managed went live with almost zero issues which is a rarity as people rush their projects to go live and meet deadlines without proper testing and preparation. Our team got a lot of praise, some from top management and I got credit for leading the project.

It is a welcome development for me as I am in my new or rather old role as project manager, surviving the last year as scrum manager without proper training and support and with our preparation from management. I survived the transition with meditation, reflection, and a little therapy; using this situation to get more training and learn new subjects like artificial intelligence.  AI is heralded to be a watershed like the coming of computers that will change all facets of life.

I have heard such stories before with blockchain, digital currencies like Bitcoin, and other new technologies that did not quite meet their potential. I will soon purchase an electric vehicle: a VW ID4 standard, the cheapest SUV that one could get, and claim the tax credit. Learning to live with an EV would be different and would be perfect with the solar panels I installed last year. In the twilight of my career, I still try to be relevant by keeping up with the latest trends and get the same feeling I got reading Alvin Toffler's 'Future Shock' which heralded a new world.

I just read the book about having a digital mindset, as if the mind can be molded into something new, to adapt to this new world of massive data and artificial intelligence that somehow would change one's life.  I reflected on the way my mind has worked all these years as I cleared out the stuff in my garage, my impulse buying of new gadgets, the chaotic way I tried to store these stuff and eventually donate or sell these items in the Facebook marketplace; realizing that my mind was working on impulses and daydreams perhaps with a touch of ADHD.

I realize that that type of mindset made me succeed in my role these past many years until it did not; I got overwhelmed; not realizing that I had sunk into a hole of my own making until I managed to crawl out. Management was not exactly the best and one had to accept and live with the situation. But I got out into the light with new technologies and ways of thinking to discover and thrive in.

Old Friend

Yesterday I connected with a colleague who worked in China who knew an old friend of mine who died last March. We reminisced in the chat as we remotely remembered his brilliance and untiring devotion to his craft, he was a true legend and an expert in his field who unfortunately was a heavy smoker. He had a stroke and died after a few days. The outpouring of grief and remembrance was evident on his Facebook page. I was shocked when I heard the news disbelieving he was dead because of his outsized personality and larger than life to many people in Thailand,  China, Philippines, India and other places where he set up the logistics network. 

He never faltered in his career and everyone knew his contribution to the company. In retrospect, I am reading the book 'The Greatest Trade Ever'  about the big short on the housing market that made a small group of contrarian very wealthy. These people were thought to be over the hill, in the twilight of their career , personalities that did not fit the prevailing ethos of the current workplace they were in. Instead, believing in their own genius and went on toward their lonely path, eventually to greatness.

I am not like my my old friend, instead similarly to those people in the big short who listend to the beat of their own distant drums. I am an outsider who is never comfortable as squad lead, who did not like to be in the spotlight of being a leader. I think  I did have my moments but I always felt awkward. Looking back at my notes, I did mention that I prefer to act alone as a project manager rather than a scrum master.In fact I did apply for the post of project manager but due to a screw up (in my point of view) was shifted into this position which I just waltzed into, thinking my current skills will see me through.

It did not help that I was not given the training so  I did the best I could and the stupid management team clueless as well went to the clumsy attempts to try to improve me or convince me to go to another post. In the end, like a good soldier, I moved to the the post that I had originally applied for, accepting the responsibility or blame that my immediate management did not have the courage or decency to accept the judgement of being in the chain of command. I feel like one of those characters in the book looking for their place in the sun. 

I miss my old friend with the certainity of his convictions and the courage of his beliefs to move ahead to get things done no mattter the consequences. So I lurk in the shadows improving my mind through meditation, to keep my wits and sanity as I transition into this role, attending remote seminars on project management, learning new skils in building a second brain, reflecting and working on new projects as I try to get unstuck. In fact, it is not as bad as I make it seem as I have many supporters and friends and the company is kind. It is not a bad world afterall. 

Mind + Wandering = Procrastination

Last week I was able to complete the online courses I needed to finish for the year. This was probable the most fruitful work I did all week although I did engage in several good meeting on various projects and topics. A fair amount of procrastination occurred which I tried to manage by moving to my other work space in my bed room in the afternoon coming from my son's room where I  work in the morning. I do get bored in lose focus and attention if I stay in one place and see the need to move to regain focus. Also , the sun sets in my son's room which make the place warmer.

In my son's room, my 2 monitors are set up one on top of the other in a vertical alignment while my monitors in the my bedroom are set-up on a horizontal alignment. The different alignment allows me a fresh change. Yesterday I decided to only have 2 monitors active, instead of 3   which include my laptop but this has not helped me and perhaps contribute to confusion when I try to juggle multiple screens or work spaces. So I close the cover of my lap top monitor and work in the 2 external monitors. Simplicity does help in reducing mental confusion.

I am always in my head, thinking about solutions and next steps that I end up paralyzed and not moving as fast as needed. I will start externalizing my thinking by writing in notebook or tablet or eRemarkable or in my whiteboard or post it board to bring out the ideas in my head. Doodling and bullet lists and short observations or sentences should stimulate and better facilitate the needed action. I have the bad habit of thinking that I should write out the ideas in long form, in well thought off paragraphs like in an essay which is actually the finish product - a well though of action plan. Instead scribbling or doodling is an the act of thinking and moving forward already.

I like to do mind mapping but I tend to think through first what needs to be in the map when one should just do - it without any fully formed thoughts as the act of mapping without thinking is the idea as the exercise will stimulate the needed mental activity. Same with other external tools in my smart phone or devices : to - do list, calendars, note taking. My grand plan of trying our Build a Second Brain (BASB) concept has further confused me with all the jumble of ideas and tools that can be used to achieve the goal of externalizing the mind. Hence, I end up in my head with too much churning ideas.

Amidst the jumble of these mental activities plus the thinking involved in my work projects, training and personal projects like writing a book and cleaning out my garage, my mind leaps into day dreams; thinking about plots of revenge in office politics, or future dream states such as being rich and famous after writing bestseller or living in Europe or making high grossing films or future romances or escapades. These day dreams get triggered when I am bored or when a perceived slight occurs in the office, or  when I am stressed or anxious due to perceived external threats ( losing my job) that the mind escapes into fantasy.

Hence my attempts to do more meditation, to be more mindful of my mental gyrations and to be in the moment. But meditation is not enough to succeed in my my life and work. Being a knowledge worker requires the mind to be in top shape, using the latest tools and through externalizing thinking and having good habits and a conducive workspace. This is all the more important as one grows older with the mind losing it's former youthful power but with a potential to compensate for it's age with brain  plasticity. Is this were gadgets like TCDS (electric current ) or PEMF ( magnetic waves ) help the brain keep up.?             

Remote Training

Last week I attended a Zoom training for 4 days. Despite being remote, the seminar went well as the 2 trainers were extremely knowledgeable and experienced. They organized breakout rooms, effectively grouping people together and giving us small projects for each team to discuss and present. The  technology allowed us to interact and engage with each other despite not being physically together. I admit I lost my shyness by keeping our cameras open and interacting with other people.

Since moving into my new role, I have gotten back to my PMI world as PM, getting PDU units to keep my accreditation. I plan to also continue my Toastmaster membership and attend meetings. The decision for leave my former role was the right thing to do and I have to bear whatever burden and loss that may bring. I read an old journal entry where I recorded my conversation with the former manager and I told him that I wanted to leave the squad and act on my own as project manager. 

The challenge would be not to succumb to self pity and paranoia but to strike out in my new role and excel like I always do in projects. There is a path forward if I keep my wits and initiative, and the journey will be a rebirth, to get unstuck and recover from stress and anxiety. It is a good sign that this month I have the best sleep score than the previous months which shows I am heading back to a more saner life.

I am getting back my old confidence being away from working with people, organizing weekly activities and getting things done. I see the progress and new method being used and the change happening to the squad and glad the are thriving under the new squad leader. I am glad to have experienced that role and to meet with each of the squad member but this was not my wheelhouse. I am glad to have gotten the mental space and bandwidth to do project and also personally to finally focus on my project to write a novel.

AI has brought a new path forward and this new technology makes senses for me to use. Never have I imagined that such a tool would exist that would perfectly fit my situation and aptitude. I may have stumbled into an area that may fit exactly my temperament and skills (or lack thereof). A door has opened and it's up to me to focus, master the new technology and move ahead.

Crossing to the Other Side

Last week was spent on the new project I am managing which is migrating to critical systems to a new way of transmission. No one in the head office in Europe is available despite the fact that these applications are managed overseas. Not a major endeavor but the applications are critical enough to need serious attention. I am working with a young Indian specialist who is overweight but is hardworking and open to my suggestions.

My mental health is much better and I have been sleeping more based on the statistics for the month. My move to my new role has made me do less as I turn over my work to a new guy who seems much older than me or perhaps slightly younger. He has a family with grown children lives at a lake nearby and owns a boat. Clearly, this position requires someone who is experienced. and able to handle stress. He underwent a good orientation with the squad going through workshops to change their way of working.

I do not see my departure as a failure as I did not receive the same level of training and support from the management team. They have acknowledged that I was not given the right preparation for my new role. In fact, I applied for a different post which changed mid-stream without my knowing of the change. Also, new people have been added without proper planning. The situation was a mess and I was caught in the middle trying to do everything and make things work.

I have transitioned to my new role and behaved in a manner that is helpful to both the squad and the new person. I have decided to take the high road, not to be resentful and embittered but to move on. I am stuck on some other projects with my old way of thinking. Clearly, the game has changed beneath my feet and I did the right thing to withdraw from the field of battle and chart a new way forward. I was listening to a book about what to do when one is stuck to accepting one situation and moving on.

I decided to focus on AI and devote my energies toward this new field. There is great promise with all that I have heard, read, and seen. This is a new beginning for me, a way to start afresh and devote attention, effort, and time to pivot to this new way of working. This path will be my salvation and perhaps help me achieve my goal of finally being a novelist.

At Riverside

Last Saturday I was at Riverside Arts District in Asheville North Carolina, enjoying an afternoon beside the French Broad River, in lawn chairs watching the river flow before me with people rafting by in rubber tubes. The weather was excellent with a simmering blue sky and lazy clouds drifting by. We sat below tall trees and talked about many things with my cousins who I hadn't seen for some time. He and his wife live in Alberta, Canada, and are on vacation, staying in a condo in the Smoky Mountains. 

Before meeting my cousins, I went to the Art Museum which had only a few exhibits, and was disappointed at the price charge which was too much for a few exhibits but the art lifted me as most art museums do and the rooftop views of the surrounding city and hills compensated a little. We walked the main street outside the museum with the interesting restaurants across the street. There were a lot of people as we drove around the city before heading to the river and there was the vibe of a young and off-beat city with young people about and quirky places to go.

We ate at Smoky Park, a restaurant near the river's edge that served funky sandwiches. I had a beer and we walked out to the edge and sat on the chairs to see the river flow by. The beautiful day was a good break from the hectic week and I was glad to leave the city and go the the mountains. When my cousins arrived and after a time sitting and talking, we walked to a nearby beer house and bought a burger and fries. Ashville is famous for its craft beers but I did not feel like drinking as I would be driving back.

The next day, Sunday, we went on our usual bike ride on the swamp rabbit trail. There were fewer people in the park on Sundays as compared to Saturdays. The next day was Labor Day and I went to the gym to walk on the treadmill and go the poll and swim. In the past, I used to go to the gym on the weekend just to swim but I felt better after my workout if I used the treadmill first to exercise my legs before going for my swim. Going out to the countryside and having a regular exercise regime is important to maintain your sanity in the stressful world. 

Inside the Bubble

Last week I wallowed in semi-self-pity and paranoia though fought back with deliberate mindfulness by not paying attention or having these thoughts without judgment to realize their silliness.  Daily meditation allows one to be in the moment but the mind ceaselessly churns out thoughts but now with less consequence and control. A meditative mind that is mindful of its thoughts needs a tool to be aware of the demands of work, the next steps of a project, reply to an email, need to schedule meetings, and whatnot. A calm mind is a solution to burnout and overwork but may not be the best mind in a busy workplace where the need for action is paramount.

However, there are great business leaders like Ray Dalio the late Steve Jobs, and other who benefits from meditation and mindfulness. The secret is to Build a Second Brain (BASB) - a tool for knowledge management that makes one efficient by having more bandwidth in the brain by moving out mental data into an external location using tools like OneNote, Notion, Obsidian, and EverNote. This is really more on managing your mind not only with meditation but in the way one thinks, and building systems like BASB and knowledge management.

The key is a strong note-taking habit and a process to distill and categorize these notes into a system can can be organized and easily retrieved when the need arises. This requires one to be less emotional which is my main challenge. Often thoughts brought out by events bring out anxiety and fear with misattributed or incorrect reasonings and misguided course of actions. Meditation allows one to control and mind and one's emotions which scales back the thinking process in a way that one is not used to if one like me is driven by thoughts, action plans, strategies, and so on.

Instead, a calm unassuming mind that is temperate removes the constant churning of thoughts and actions and externalizes them into outside systems of knowledge - a second brain that allows one to be active in the moment but content that another tool is behind one's well-being. Otherwise, one remains inside the bubble forever driven by a monkey mind without the benefit of mental rigor and calm deliberation. Get out of the bubble which is not only achieved by meditation and BASB but also by journaling and practicing CBT or cognitive behavior therapy.

Rush to Learn

I am in a mad rush to complete several courses in Linked In. The month-free trial period will be ending on the 31st of July. After the trial period, my credit card will be charged close to $ 300. I am cramming on all the courses on Artificial Intelligence and general productivity subjects. Afterward, I plan to continue my AI learning in the company-sponsored Udemy account. I also have been listing to podcast on investing in stocks that will benefit from the current rush to AI.

Some commentary point to a bubble with AI tools way into the future to significantly improve work and life but companies like Microsoft are already raising subscription prices on the use of their tools. Who would have thought that MS would take the lead with their investment in Open.AI and Chat GPT. Google and Meta are close behind having made significant early investments in the field. Google may lead eventually with their significant early investment and embed it into the toolset.

The promise of AI in improving one's life has significant potential. Writers who have strong fundamentals in storytelling can benefit from the use of LLM - Large Language Models that simulate understanding the generated output like written stories. Most people call this aspect generative AI which is the prevalent manifestation of AI and not the omniscient behemoth in movies like Mission Impossible. Linking AI to actual tasks and concrete actions (controlling machines or nuclear missiles) will cause significant danger as compared to the current manifestation via chatbot.

The current potential is more on increasing one's productivity, to add or augment one's skills. I plan to learn AI tools for novel writing and perhaps responding to emails and making reports in the office. My recent discovery of my slight ADHD condition is the other area that I am studying. I entered a course on Building a Second Brain (BASB) is the other game-changer for me. This will help me organize my life in a way that I have never had the ability to do. Recognizing the problem of ADHD was the first major step.

My early intuitive urge in writing journals and blogging helped me manage my ADHD without my knowing it. Having an active lifestyle of exercising, swimming, biking, and hiking kept my mind sharp. My second intuitive urge to learn meditation and Tai Chi, do therapy, and practice Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) was also helpful. Now including AI and BASB are the next wave of tools that will help me in a second career. TCDS and magnetic headband tools plus learning to juggle and play a musical instrument will play a part as well.

Too much AI = Hallucination

I am taking several courses in LinkedIn on topics like artificial intelligence, creating lists and other productivity lessons. I also enrolled in 2 courses in Udemy on Chat GPT and Google Bard that I have not completed.  I also enrolled in Tiago Forte's Building a Second Brain as well as several courses on writing in  Domestika.com. I am cramming due to the recent change in my role from squad lead back to Project Manager. I guess also to prepare for my life after work ; just to keep me busy and continue earning money.

As struggle to achieve my goal to be a writer, a thought came to my mind is that writing is just a hobby to me, not a real pursuit as I keep procrastinating. There is always attempts on self-sabotage by cramming to learn the latest trends such as AI and what not. Yesterday I watched the latest Tom Cruise Mission Impossible movie as well well as Ben Affleck's move 'Air' about Nike's pursuit of Michael Jordan. Both movies are highly recommended and I felt I needed to watch - actually the fear of missing out (FOMO).

In the midst of of all these mental procrastination and missed attention, I face several challenges at work especially on the project INDU which I thought I had a handle to but turns out the problem has not been solved. Complicating maters is my move to the new role plus stress, anxiety and loss of face that brings me. Projects are ongoing, customers are angry, criticisms abound from co-workers, bosses and management team who I feel are screaming for my blood.

But that is being dramatic as management really want to help out and not look for the scapegoat to sack. My boss is a different matter: striking alliance with business teams in her usual slick and cute manner; conniving behind my back possibly because she thinks I am a threat or insecure or just a cold-blooded operator who will strike down anyone who gets in her way. Thank the lord that I have been meditating every morning plus getting exercise to help relieve stress.     

I do acknowledge that I struggle in my role as team leader (though I blame my management for not preparing me for the role but also for general incompetence). A recent survey have rated the team at a low level which is testimony to the common feeling that not all is right. I have so many ideas that I cannot keep track and lose sight of other goals at work and other personal projects like clearing out my garage.

The strategy is to keep calm and focus on the moment, use science like getting enough exercise and sleep and use gratitude journals and blogging to keep the mind sane as well as use TCDS devices to zap my brain and compensate for any effects of my slight ADHD syndrome. But I have changed as well, to recognize my emotional states at time and the inappropriate ways of communicating and relating to my squad members as friends instead of being ruthless and cold-blooded to get things done. 

  

ADHD

 I recently realized that I have some ADHD which may express my feelings of stress and anxiety. My intuitive ventures into journaling, meditation and Tai CHi has helped me through the years but the underlying issue is ADHD. Even my use of TCDS - coursing electricity through my brain was also an intuitive attempt to manage ADHD. ADHD was the demon lurking behind the scenes unbeknowest to me.

In my recent role, it became clear that I am struggling with the demands of this job though the organization and process is not perfect as well. I had my usual attempts to be more productivity but the mental acuity was not there. I also was clearing up my garage with all the stuff when it became clear that impulsive buying and the way I just dumped all these stuff in the garage or even in the dining table was a sign of a different sort of mental issue.

The discovery was made after listening to Andrew Huberman's podcast of ADHD and concentration when things started to click. The way he described how ADHD afflicted people use the piling method to organize their stuff, being prone to stress and implusiveness made me take an online exam to determine my situation. The test results show that I am more than 50% to 60% with symptoms of ADHD which now made me understand the way I think and do things.

Being ADHD is the all encompasing reason of the the cognitive challenges that I have been facing. The good news being that I amnot fully ADHD but more that the average person.Soemhow it present a new beginning for me despite the work I still need to do to make me more affective in work and life. I stared a reatiude journal - writing in long hand the items I am grateful about, jotting notes in the morning or after work.

All these years I have been journaling and doing things like therapy and CBT to manage my mind and made me want to be a writer to take advantage of my love of books and writing where reaction to ADHD without my knowing it. The goal was to have a clear mind and this was my path forward. 

But this afflection does not explain all my mental ills as I made conscious decision to live the life I wanted to live and take ownership and direction of where my actions have taken me. I am in a much better place now than before and as compared to most people which I am grateful  for. 

Artificial Intelligence

AI is the buzzword that's spreading like crazy with major business leaders predicting a major change happening in all aspects of life. In keeping with this hysteria, I took several courses on this topic on Udemy and Linkedin. It does promise a new way of working and living. I study ChatGPT and Googla Bard, learning things like Large Language Models (LLM)and regenerative AI. Frankly, I am excited and see the potential for transformation.

I linked this topic with Building a Second Brain(NASB) and revisited a podcast to remember the steps and the main tasks of taking notes. I failed to move forward and have not fully exploited the ideas on BYOB; struggling to implement the next steps of taking good notes and reflecting and constructing a second brain; getting caught up in the toolset rather than the process.

I feel I am on the cusp of a major event; that this is a watershed moment of a new way of thinking and working. It will be a weird world as expressed by Ezra Klein in a past podcast; where the strangeness of a new form of intelligence is guiding people's future. I took a lesson on Sudowrite - which is an AI tool that provides writers with a writing assistant or partner. This looks like a tool that I have been waiting for to kick-start my writing goals.

What are the roles of the writer if the computer can do the writing? How will the office work use AI to be more productive and excel? This is where the excitement and wonder lie, where one figure out what to do with the new tool and change his life. It is the aspect of the new that draws people to the new age.

Virginia Creeper Trail

We arrived yesterday afternoon in Abington, Virginia and immediately biked into the trail. We biked for about 2 hours, along rolling hills, beside a rushing River, high above the trees, along green farmlands, crossing wonderful wooden bridges and thru small towns. The trail head at Abington had a small museum with old black and white photographs of the old stem engines that used to travel the trail, a glimpse into the long gone past of small towns, bustling railroads and a simple life that long ago existed.

The bike ride was exhilarating, traveling alongside tall trees and wonderful farmland, a chance to get away from the stress at work. My mind kept having thoughts of a fearful future at work, reliving the stressful meetings during the past weeks, of the anger and heartless comments made during meeting confrontation. Where has all the civility and kindness gone? As if one has plunged into a heartless future with no comfort to those like me who struggle and need help at work, having difficulty adjusting the increasing demands of work.

I decided to step aside from my role to remove the tension and concern in the current projects. I thought it was the best choice instead of digging in and  fighting it out. There is no salvation or redemption in this situation like in the movies where the lone underdog battles the powers that be. Instead, a thankless battle of silliness and pettiness. Instead, I did the smart thing and leave the field of battle to the fools that remain to fight their illusions. I prefer to focus on the things that matter to me and my future with the years left in my working career.

The bike ride in the wonderful countryside allowed me to enjoy nature and relieve the anxiety of this recent moments though I have calmly weathered them but not succumbing to overthinking which I still tend to do. My daily meditation, Tai Chi and exercise kept me sane and grounded. Writing also help with gratitude journals. The purpose of this blog still remains as I work through my work experiences with writing a welcome antidote to stress.

Office Strategy

It's clear that the objective of the boss lady is getting the team to provide information that she can supply to the management whenever needed. Despite my initial reactions to this selfish motive to look good, one can see that this is the normal way most bosses work. Get on with it. I guess the use of modern tools like Teams does look like it is an innovative way of working. On the other hand, the attempt does not really help the team on the ground in terms of how their work can be simplified and made more efficient.

Motivation determines the character of the person and the objective to look good as the primary goal deprives any real effort to improve the way the group works. I guess that is my job as a team leader. My only fear in this drive to look good is to throw our people under the bus where the boss lady points fingers at the inefficient staff when she really does not provide any leadership. In effect, the main role is to be a messenger,i.e. the mailman as if the purveyor of new information indicates leadership but only being the town crier.

Such silliness requires me to exert myself and be visible because the boss lady will just keep blaming her team if anything goes wrong instead of accepting responsibility. I am guilty of succumbing to such office trivialities but in another way, it is the game and how one plays in the arena of the office. Hence the need to craft some strategy to navigate and excel in the politics and jockeying of position.  Fortunately, I like to plot strategy and think of the long game which is a result of my overthinking and rumination.

Ultimately, I should shift my mental energies away from office politics towards creative writing. My mind is spent in too much rumination and daydreaming when one can channel these thoughts churning activity into writing a novel. Is it too late .? Writers like Ian Fleming or Roal Dahl have strayed into the novelist life late in their careers and such is the plan to do the same. My attempts on having the working environment and tools ready will bear fruition once this shift is completed.

Frictionless Effort

My attempts to just write without friction by choosing a cloud app such as apple notes, and making the tool available on my phone, iPad, laptop, and computers have done nothing to achieve my goal. Instead, I daydream of wiring, and with topics in my mind, I see myself working along without any hindrance or thoughts. Hence one does not think to be a writer but just be. Story of my life as the only outlet for creative writing is my blog.

Same story for my work where I stop myself from letting go and just being. But I do better at work except when I need to plan such as setting up meetings and scheduling work. I am stuck in a groove until the deadline comes and I am forced to act. It is my new role and I am not used to the activities that I need to do as squad leader. Instead, I languish and have tiny doubts, where I overthink and procrastinate instead of just going forward following my gut.

My long experience and introspective life allow me to be more instructive and follow my own inclination which often ends up right; even on the actions that I fail to do but dream doing it and events turn out the way they should not have if I have done what I thought I needed to do. For sure I am at a different level as a scrum master when in the past, I was a project manager where both are not the same roles though some misguided agile coach in the office would disagree.

I am in absurd times; lurking in the shadows though I have achieved a certain level of respect and renown which is what a long career does bring you. I have perhaps 3 - 7 years of work left in me that I can only play by living in the moment and avoiding overthinking and procrastination and doubt; to live like a rebel by not being what other people expect me to be: an old curmudgeon who is past his prime; lingering until his retirement.

Instead, one must be a rebel in the manner of Albert Camus; fight against convention and be true to your life's meaning. This is the only way one could avoid overthinking and procrastination.  I spent time in my last season of vacation learning new concepts such as Building a Second Brain and learning new products and tools which will keep in the game once I master them.

        Do not go gentle into that good night,
        Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
        Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Year of the Rabbit

2023 is my year which portends good fortune. Yesterday was not one of those as I had a painful toothache, fumbling at a meeting that could have been a disaster, and some late responses to seemingly urgent chat requests. Throbbing pain in my tooth clearly took me off my stride with relief only coming today after 2 or 3 days of pain during a week of intense work of sprint demo, sprint planning, backlog refinement, and budget re-forecasting. Several other events kept springing up and I managed to complete most in a good way.

I worry about everything: the tasks I feel I should do, my relationship with my workmates and my friend, and my immediate manager. My suspicious mind keeps churning out nightmare scenarios despite my daily attempts at Tai Chi and meditation to silence the mind. The environment is also not conducive to smooth work such as 'hoteling' which requires me to book a desk every time I go to the office. This situation will soon be a thing of the past, just like the pandemic, when we will have our own cubicles.

In the management meeting on Friday, there was a moment when my manager was revealed not to have shared important information with me; an attitude that I have noticed for a while now. I just don't know if it is deliberate to make me look bad, or due to anger ( being friends) to my often acerbic attitude and criticism, or just plain honest forgetfulness. I fear that it is the first 2 reasons: deliberately not sharing information due to insecurity in providing me an advantage and also payback to my constant criticism.

I admit that I am a prickly person due to my age, self-righteousness, and feeling of superiority that I bring this reaction upon myself. I am the crusty old curmudgeon, a relic of the past just like the venerable Tom Keene in Bloomberg. But there is too much work to do now that our squad had increased by 3 people last month, bringing up the total to 12 members. I am growing in this role and took time to attend training courses on 'AGILE' methodology which I did not have last year. 

Hence, the feeling of ill will and suspicion, that I am being set up to fail, the resentment that I am not being supported. But this is getting to be the same old story like a broken record that keeps repeating itself. I have to get on with work and move on. Perhaps my horoscope portends good tidings as the stars are aligned my way to increase my chances of success. Finally, I do feel I am a new person after overcoming the challenges of last year.