Job Fears

I still feel a bit angry after the meeting last Friday with the S team. The president again called me names by referring to me as a ghost. So I spent the weekend completing some worksheets to make the point that I know about the technology and that I am not to blame for the project’s delay. So I sent e-mail to all the major participants and hope to get an acknowledgment. But I guess it was silly of me to expect a reply because it would be an admission that I was right. I wanted to make a point with the email: that I am an authority and technically competent on that subject, that I am still participating and leading it in my small way and to show my defiance and independence as part of a separate department.

But I had to do it in a subtle and politically correct way. I just wanted to make the point that I am not yet retrenched and that I can still add value to the project. In fact, it is a technical project and that I should move forward and assert myself. I think it will go a long way and I am sure that the president will still be critical and call me name but I have decided to be more assertive. I still have this problem communicating with him as during meetings he comes with a flurry of challenges that I sometimes manage only a weak reply. I could not seem to establish a good rapport with him that I need to consciously strive for being understood. A further challenge to my interpersonal skills.

This remains the main challenge in my work: the S project. All within the backdrop of the company retrenchment and transfer. I feel paranoid that al my local colleagues think that I should resign with all my troubles with the S project. But I am determined to stick around and wait for the outcome. If the final result is retrenchment then I will be happy to accept the retrenchment package and look for work. If I am requested to transfer to Bangkok or Shanghai then I will happily accept it as well. All these are thoughts swirling especially with certain looks and gestures from my colleagues which I interpret with meaning.

I bought an expensive toy and I sometimes regret this urge to buy. It is the curse of too much affluence. Maybe it is a way of compensating for the pressures at work. I had wanted to buy a cheaper model whose price has gone down considerably. But I finally decided to buy a more higher priced items but still with a discounted price because it had the features that I want plus some free amenities like headphones and storage card. I regret the purchase because similar purchases in the past where not well used and I have a tendency to buy things which I seldom use.

The stock market has gone done world wide and my investment value has plummeted as well. I had hoped to master the market which is really silly as a way to prepare for any retrenchment and possibly hope for an early retirement. A fool and his money is soon parted is a phrase that comes to mind. How could I even think of that strategy? I guess I read to much investment books and had dreams of being someone like Warren Buffet. With the market declines these past few days, I have no choice but to stick with it and wait out the carnage until the market recovers. I had felt perhaps that being knowledgeable about the market will make me special from my colleagues because at least I know some subject aside from work. But reality like the market crash brishe everyone back to earth.