Monday, March 18, 2024

A New Home

Last week, I worked with a project manager on an infrastructure project that involved deploying new hardware in North, South, and Central America. The project manager praised me for my work in ensuring that the software components were compatible with the hardware and could be installed at the respective sites. Most of my work involved coordinating with several teams through chats, emails, and conversations. Although I was supposed to be a co-project manager, it was determined that having two project managers would add unnecessary complexity to the project.

I like working with her after having worked together in the past. She was actually on leave for spring break last Friday but participated in the group chats and had a few phone calls with me to talk about the next steps. My former colleague told me that I was praised in the meeting and I was glad she had done so without my asking. It was good to be recognized and that my former colleagues heard this recognition from other people as a sort of vindication for my skills after my difficulties in that department recently.

I have found a home with good people, honest, straightforward, and competent; where we have good enjoyable conversations and honest sharing of ideas. I am assigned new projects with another platform which is good for learning new things and meeting new people. I feel that I have narrowly escaped from a tangled web, from chaos and confusion driven by inexperienced managers, and finally landed in a place where people are experienced and competent. Of course, this is an unfair assessment as people are trying their best at work and coping with the workload.

I am a different person to match my new circumstances, learning from my mistakes and striving to do things differently and more efficiently. What more can one ask after breaking free from a jungle and walking into the light?


 

Sunday, February 4, 2024

Prague in Winter

We spent 6 days in Prague which was a delight, walking the cobblestone streets, exploring the city, drinking beer or hot wine while walking and enjoying beer houses or coffee houses or underground cellar restaurants when taking breaks from our walks. Prague occupied a place in the periphery of my mind, not having the attention of a Paris or London or Rome, like a neglected gem that would someday get it's needed attention. 

I chose Prague by happenstance while searching for cheap hotels and found a discount in a 4 star hotel 20  minutes from old city possibly since it was the off season being winter. It was a busy 6 day vacation with long walks in the city, attending concerts and the opera at magnificent venues such as ancient baroque churches or synagogues or Municipal Hall or the National Theater with the magnificent architecture of an imperial city.

On our second day while listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons in St. Clementine Church, sitting in the pews with music enriching the cold space of the church, looking at the paintings of Christ and the Saints adorning the ceiling and the wall behind the altar was a sublime moment. Tears filled my eyes and I was on a verge of crying; finally feeling the impact of difficult events of the last few months;  my career change, my feelings of humiliation, hard work and stress coming back in that instant together with the rapture that came with the music and magnificence of the church. 

Suffering is a Christian experience, to survive the unfairness of life, with God as your guide that I felt I was willed into that majestic church to listen to that divine music within the halls where spiritual visions were displayed that I felt an epiphany, that my suffering at the office was God's plan and I had  overcome my challenges with his grace.   

The next few days was a joy to explore and  understand the history of Prague and it's significant role in Christianity. Somehow the city seemed familiar as if coming back from a former lifetime, welcoming me with it's embrace, an ancient city with it's mystery and beauty, of spirituality and grace and of redemption and renewal.  

In the week before our trip, we watched several YouTube videos on Prague everyday during dinner. I also borrowed 5 guide books and read a bit on the city so we were prepared; to understand the transportation in the city, the currency and food, places to go, travel tips and other useful information that made our trip enjoyable.  While at the hotel and at the airport going back, I watched videos on Franz Kafka, Prague Spring, Velvet Revolution and the breakup of Czechoslovakia.    

Our itinerary in Prague:  

Day 1 - Wednesday. Departure  Charlotte to Chicago to Zurich to Prague

Day 2 - Thursday. Arrival@ afternoon : check in Hotel, eat local food near hotel,  ride bus to Prague Old town square;  see astronomical tower, cross Charles bridge

Day 3 - Friday. Tour Prague castle, St. Vitus Cathedral, St. George Basilica, Golden lane, lunch (beef in mash potatoes) near castle in Mala Strana, lost in Mala Strana town looking for tour guide to Prague castle. Watch 1st classical concert at St. Clementine church.

Day 4 - Saturday. View IMucha exhibit in Municipal hall, Chocolate factory in old town, eat sausage in old town, Lobowicz palace in Prague castle, lost in Mala Strana, cross Charles Bridge from Mala Strana, drink coffee in old town.

Day 5 - Sunday. Walk in park outside city, around lake, go back to Prague Castle to Lobowicz Palace for 2nd classical music concert, ride tram to National Theater to watch Dalibor Opera, eat early dinner (duck confit) before opera beside theater and  walk across the bridge and in the island below the bridge before watching the opera.

Day 6 - Monday. Go to Prague Lumia Light Show and Museum of Senses at old town. Eat lunch in cellar restaurant boar cuts and beer. Watch 3rd Classical concert at Spanish Synagogue @ 5pm and another out 4th Classical concert @ Municipal Hall @ 8pm, walk in old town while drinking hot mulled wine.

Day 7 - Tuesday. Walk in old town across Charles Bridge and enter St. Nicolas Church in Mala Strana, go to  Clementine Baroque library and astronomical tower, lunch in Uzbekistan restaurant meat and dumpling soup, beef or lamb in rice with nuts. Departure - go to airport@ 2 pm. Flight to Brussels

Day 8 -  Wednesday. Brussels overnight - Ibis Budget hotel. Ride Bus to Brussels airport. Brussels to Newark to Charlotte arriving at 10 pm EST.

Monday, January 22, 2024

Rabbit in the Year of the Dragon

Last week I had meetings where I transitioned my work on the environment where I had an hour to explain all the work I had been doing for more than a year in stabilizing the computer system; from the fixes done at the infrastructure until the monitoring of change that are deployed that breaks the system. It's been a good recap for me as I surprised myself with the scale of work I have accomplished as well as the initiatives and processes that I set up. It seemed a fitting end to my work on this subject as I transitioned this project to my replacement.

I also had a couple of exchanges by chat to transition to another project where I had the lead in fixing data inconsistencies between different systems. I had hoped to have a meeting to do a good turnover like the other project but my manager did not have the opportunity to schedule a meeting with the different parties; preferring to take the lead in other ways without my participation which is just as well. This project had a lot of loud voices from different sectors and may be better to be without me. However, the chat was effective in laying the process clearly so that the new team could follow with some improvements.

I had another meeting on Thursday to explain another project that I am doing which has not been completed yet due to lack of funds and resources. It was the second meeting of the day on the same topic but this time without the other parties and just me and my boss. I again explained the current situation and the remaining work to be done once funding is secured. I feel good in these meetings because they let me showcase the work that I have been doing and lend a feeling of finality as I move on to my new department.

I also attended 2 projects that I bring with me to my new post. I felt that I needed to do more but I have done as much as I can as dependent on the work from other partners that are delayed or need further explorations. Such is project work where you meet with other people who have their own opinions and pace of work that I have to adjust to. My new post is for product improvements and my boss is a step away from the top management. From this perspective, my move can arguably be called a promotion.

I feel I have turned a corner with this move where I had no input on the decision since it was just announced to my manager by top management. There was no explanation for this move but seemed tied to the recognition last December where I was recognized and awarded a generous amount of points that I converted to a vacation in Prague. My trip is the final reward for a year of challenges and changes that had turned out well as seen in my recognition and new post.

My role in my new post acknowledges my long experience in project management and I continue this role but with more customers. The past year of transformation self-reflection and focus has prepared me and I had anticipated this move in the back of my mind though my horoscope did predict a career change. Is there some truth that one's destiny is aligned with the stars? Perhaps astrology does play a part in our lives.


Monday, January 15, 2024

Happy New Year

Last week my current boss announced my transfer to a new department; same role but now my customers is all the domains in the platform not only the domain I used to work in. My new boss reports directly to the head of the whole division which I guess is a step up for me. This transfer follows in the heels of my recognition by the platform head where I received a large amount of points which I converted to a hotel stay in Europe. I can't help but feel vindicated, that I emerged victorious after several months of feeling shame and humiliation.

Despite my seeming success, I am under no illusions that my path ahead is going to be smooth. There are new people to meet and new learning on the other domains. Currently I am already working on an infrastructure project replacing hardware in Northern and Southern Hemisphere, and another project related to customer interactions - a far cry from my usual work exclusive to my domain. The last 2 projects I worked on went well which had praises reaped upon me for my performance; mainly attributed to my constant communication that is clear and timely and collaborating with other groups 

I have transcended my dire circumstances, focused on the work assigned and kept at it especially the new projects outside my domain where my work was good enough for me to be moved to this new department plus public recognition. At least that is my interpretation since no one really explained why I got the recognition plus incredible points and my transfer. Perhaps it was the sacrifice I made leaving my post for the betterment of my domain and enduring the loneliness of this decision; the deliberate exclusion of my presence as may affect the needed change; as if I was bad influence like having the plague.

The division manager had promised me that he would post me elsewhere if I agreed to leave my post and finally showed he was good to his word, a person I trust more than my immediate management. My supervisor maybe surprised by my success and recognition as well as the person that replaced me; thinking that I was old and washed up; counting the days, months or years until my retirement; an elderly relic who has seen better days. But the old dog still knows a few tricks of his own.

The danger here is hubris; to think that I came out on top, that I am better at those who had wronged me. It's true that I feel contempt to my supervisor and the new recruit for their treatment of me; that I am glad to be rid of this department and have a new home that will welcome me. Thoughts of anger and revenge, of plots to get even still haunt my thoughts but one should have compassion. This is the better way that despite my progress I do not get swell headed and gloat. Indeed, my circumstances is largely due to luck than anything else. 


Sunday, December 31, 2023

Year End Reflection

Last week of the year was a time of reflection. I did not take any vacation like most people did in the office, instead working from home and taking online courses in sustainability. The course was an eye opener for me, to understand the science of climate change, the impact to biodiversity and the importance of the transition to low carbon lifestyle. The impact to mankind is consequential if  no change is done in our lifetime. Elon Musk is way ahead of us all by planning space travel to Mars; to be a space travelling species using his words.

I reflected on the the stressful events I encountered this year and tried the writing protocol for trauma, writing for at least 15 minutes for 4 days. The act was a relief as I recalled painful events but writing my thoughts brought order and clarity. The change in my job position, new assignments + new people in the organization and new ways of working required a positive mindset in order to adapt and change. Recognition from my department manager during our Christmas party was a welcome vindication that my actions ( and others in the department) were correct.

I deepened my practice and study of meditation and mindfulness, continue to clear out my garage, read on artificial intelligence, took courses on breathing, changed my phone and learned more about my EV. The clutter in my garage, dining room table, working table,etc. made me aware that I may have ADHD but mays also be based on trauma according to a podcast by a de-cluttering expert. Decluttering has been transformative; being aware of my impulsiveness, day-dreaming on possible futures and the impact of such mindset to my work habits.

Last week was also heartwarming as I reconnected with old friends from high school and college, getting best wishes and greeting for my birthday + season's greeting. Group chats created with old schools buddies who were interested in comics - geeks who still love super heroes,  another group chat with drinking buddies and life friends through out the years, never having lost contact; well wishes from old acquaintances at  work and in past organizations. I feel blessed with this outpouring of camaraderie from an older time before the internet.

A close cousin also passed away suddenly which saddened me. Life is indeed precious that one must live the best way one can with the time left. I grieve his loss and remember the good times together with the rest of our clan while growing up. Another close cousin had also passed away last year who was much younger than me. Perhaps this is the reason this past weeks felt more precious, with people reaching out and re-discovering each other, to reflect and possibly lead a more fruitful life.


Saturday, December 2, 2023

MBCT and ACT

I finished 2 good courses on mindfulness and meditation. Actually meditation is the tool that helps you achieve mindfulness though one can achieve mindfulness by other means. Both courses are based in England which I did not expect. The last course was MBCT or Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy which combined both mindfulness and psychology theory which is the inevitable direction for mind based therapy. I do notice improvements in being in the moment as well as experiencing more episodes of procrastination by mindless surfing.

The episodes of procrastination is more to escape work stress and pressure; with to many things going on which require automatic action, or otherwise work will pile-up. I persist to relax and avoid being stressed as anxiety is also a mental construct as a result of rumination. However, mindless surfing the internet does waste time and prevent me from working on my other goals of being a writer. Hence, it it the fear of failure and performing that causes this type of procrastination that often ends up in self-gratification : a false sense of accomplishment.

I am also studying ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which allows me to manage emotions that come out of my mental constructs based on the change of my job role and the feelings of shame, anger plus flashes of revenge. Job transitions are difficult especially if one leaves the 'field of battle' with the feeling of being a failure and anger; at not being supported and being prepared for the job. My therapist said I clearly did right by extracting myself from a difficult situation. This is where the acceptance comes in and the commitment to a better path that fits my temperament.   

Mindfulness is also important in ACT which all comes together with meditation practice. I do see my challenges as also due to a possible ADHD affliction which can also be managed by meditation. I have gone through a learning process with my self-reflection and practice of meditation. I also started listening to Eckhart Tolle's new YouTube channel though I have read his work in the past. He does provide soothing words in the dark of night when rumination starts.

In fact, I have gone all in with my attempt to start anew - to transform myself with the new challenges ahead. From clearing my garage, getting rid of old stuff, recognizing impulse buying that lead to clutter, replacing my gas car with an EV, listening to Binaural beats to focus the mind and get sleep, using magnetic resonance devices and my old tDSC electrical device to stimulate my brain plus deeper and focused meditation practice. plus adding a licensed therapist session to the mix.

There is a clear attempt to transformation, to be a better person by technology, a new way of life, new learning and education on new tools. This urge is the really reason for this blog in the first place as a way of self-reflection. Perhaps I am doing too much when change can be as simple as being awake and turning left instead of right. Sometimes doing too much may make things worse and confuse more.   

 

Thursday, November 23, 2023

Back to Work

My trip to California and Oregon was a welcome break. To revisit a different world and way of life to what one has not experienced enough; the West Coast vibe, the spectacular scenery such as the California coastlines and surrounding hills, desert landscape (Anza-Borrego Desert State Park), Oregon parks and waterfalls, Portland with it's quirky atmosphere, Willamette Valley and Silver Falls State Park. Wedding was the best I have attended, a young couple with bright, fun spirit and their visible love and affection; reception in a former Orchard under beautiful blue sky, drinking wine and meeting wonderful people.

We rented a house with a pool in Orange County near the church and reception venue, to avoid the traffic coming Menifee. The house was beside a park where I walked in the morning with other regular park goers; mostly Asian living in the neighborhood which made me feel more at home. I always loved Los Angeles having lived here in my youth; living with my father and brother working on a real estate project, going to work in a factory in City of Industry from our home in Glendale. Old memories came back to me especially of our trips along the highway, visits to Las Vegas, travelling the Pacific Coast highway from San Francisco to Los Angeles.

I have been to Los Angeles a few times since moving here nearly 15 years ago. I always have good memories of California;  of the feeling of freedom and being in the future. The wedding made me understand time is indeed moving fast plus my approaching retirement in a couple years. I wondered if my life had gone as planned. I looked tired and old in the wedding pictures; with old memories and old ways of thinking. I imagined that visiting California and Oregon would return me to my youth, to make me see the world as a young man and be imbued with new ideas and purpose. It was a fleeting feeling on the days after I returned home.

I completed one course on mindfulness and meditation and completing another. Based on evidence, the practice of meditation and mindfulness are proven ways to transform the mind. This will be the way to change not just a trip or vacation to the West Coast! I also started a new session with an experience therapist using my company benefit. My minds tries to go back to old patterns of toxic rumination and on consciously reminds one self to keep one's mind away from the gutter. My daily practice makes me aware of these thoughts and to seek a different framework of think; one filled with hope, optimism and light.