Slow Motion

I have adjusted to the idea of my new role, having attended a few meetings and speaking about the change to several people in the office. I overcame my initial feeling of fear and shame. My therapist said that I should not use the word 'fear' but more of 'discomfort'. So my feeling are not really fear and anxiety but discomfort. It makes sense I should NOT fear getting fired since that should have happened already; instead of announcing the department change, as compared to our contractors were several people were let go. My new boss said the employees will be protected but the contractor will be adversely impacted.

There is another emotion that I feel which is losing out on an opportunity to work in another department (though one is not really sure if one will get the position). I guess it is having no options left if I do not apply; getting stuck with nowhere to go. I guess the overriding 'fear' is that my management does not really need me and are just waiting to let me go, despite all the things that I have done. This is when the doubts creep in the early morning, as I lie in bed staring out into the dark room. Where did I make the wrong turn? What point in time was I heading in the wrong direction, or when did I miss the signs? Did my career really mean nothing.?

Of course, this is useless rumination as my therapist said in our session last week. To keep regurgitating the same thoughts over and over again like a broken record. But it is hard waiting for the transition to happen, seeing the signs that tell my mind to look for other work as I head down into a place where there is nothing left for me to do. Obviously, this is the intended course: to offload your present duties so you can work on your new ones. The fear is realizing that you do not have the skills to function adequately in your new role.

I bought cheap online courses to start learning: JAVA programming and SQL. I have an image of myself being a student again; putting my notebooks into school bag where I can write notes as I learn from the internet.This is the best way forward, to dig in and get the skills that one needs. This was the original intention of this blog anyway, to learn new things as the new world gets underway. But things are moving at a glacial pace, like I am watching myself in slow motion as we hurl into the abyss of the new, where everyone is trying to get a sense of what to do next while the boss is just 'winging' it just like everyone else.

Another Day Another Dollar

For people in my situation, the only remedy is to keep going to the office, to show up for work despite the emotional turmoil that may exist in the mind. The company is a monolith that does not portray it's thinking, though one would normally believe that her representatives show the will of it's management. But these are ordinary people as well, the ones that one would normally turn to and they do try to best as well. So one should take their pronouncements with as grain of salt.

Nevertheless, one should keep engaging with the people and your supervisors so one does not lose touch of reality, to see the writing in the wall. I missed this opportunity, though there was a feeling in the back of my mind but I did try to look for other roles though my workload and personal challenges distracted me from going ahead. There was a lack of will, a momentary doubt that prevented me from going to any new role, preferring the comfort of my present position.

My mistake was to think that the departure of my boss would solve everything, thinking that her move to another role was proof that her criticism of me was without basis. But despite her lower position today, her assessments would still hold weight despite my protestations. So I lingered longer  until it was too late, when management made the decision for me and pushed me to a direction that I myself was moving towards. Now I feel I am in limbo, like a dead man walking, perhaps thinking of retirement and throwing in the towel.

But this is a great place to work, and if one shows his intention to adapt to the new role, willing to go forward and learn new skills, then I think one will be allowed to remain. The main enemy is one's own mind, where inertia and disinterestedness may keep you in your own silo, allowing oneself to be bewildered by the changing workplace. A writer is sometimes a voyeur, being a witness to the tumult surrounding him, not realizing that he needs to be engaged in his role as a participant in the melee.