Transformation

I am reading an interesting book which recommends writing morning pages as a way to transform oneself. Basically a journal written first thing in the morning. So here goes. The recent retrenchments has made me resentful of a colleague one is much younger than me. I work closely with her and we worked together in a few projects. In fact she is a very hard working and friendly person. She has a way of being charming and gets the attention to others. She has a good ability to be proactive and talk with people as she has had good experience in sales and consulting work. As for myself, I often see that she is the center of conversation and most people speak highly of her.

I sometimes resent this as I feel that I am better qualified but it is really the old persons feeling that one is better due to seniority. But my work record is not that bad and I have achieved a certain good reputation all these years at the office. The main thing is that she has an ability, which I lack and that is to communicate well with people especially with top management people. I seem to be blocked fatally in this respect. I better communicate with the rank and file and staff level personnel. But I seem to be intimidated by higher-ranking people that I tend to have an inner dialogue with myself. The internal critic so to speak. This is one thing that I lack and I often tend to keep to myself with all my internal noise that prevents me from engaging in the moment. So I am in self-pitying mode which prevents me from speaking up.

This is the main reason I have joined a communication course to try and open me up. My internal dialogue is preventing me from relaxing and being successful. But I think the communication course is showing some fruits and it is the final battle with my internal voice, which I should stop. The noise is deafening at times filed with pre-conceived thoughts caused by fear and anxiety. It is also the mind second guessing people in an attempt to be superior to the other. MY main challenge at work is the support done for another company. The boss is a well-known pain in the ass although he is known for being brilliant. He has a well-deserved reputation of being a tough boss. I cannot seem to communicate well with him and I am often an emotional wreck after my meeting with him.

I think I need to improve these core skills which I thought I had in the past. It is a core skill that I should work on and which will affect my internal roadblocks, which are what describes my personality: being aloof and prefer to be a loner, shy and quiet and uncommunicative. It challenges me to overcome my social inhibitions and stand up with more self-esteem so to speak. But the main thing is to stifle my inner critic and inner doubts and demons and relax, avoid second-guessing and just go forward and talk. But this requires a formation of some core beliefs where I do not posses much being more a relatively open person. I am often accused of being undeceive or in the words of the tough boss -> a marshmallow.

But I admit that I need to be more prepared before going into any meeting. I am often ill prepared for anything and I just go into a meeting without preparation and thought. This is one thing I need to do to carefully plan before being accused of being recklessly impudent. My former feeling of youthful defiance and seat of the pants bravado is no longer possible with the tough boss as I am stripped naked and reduced to a whimpering fool in front of his onslaught. The main reasons is that I react emotionally instead of picking the core disagreements coolly and efficiently.