Slow Motion

I have adjusted to the idea of my new role, having attended a few meetings and speaking about the change to several people in the office. I overcame my initial feeling of fear and shame. My therapist said that I should not use the word 'fear' but more of 'discomfort'. So my feeling are not really fear and anxiety but discomfort. It makes sense I should NOT fear getting fired since that should have happened already; instead of announcing the department change, as compared to our contractors were several people were let go. My new boss said the employees will be protected but the contractor will be adversely impacted.

There is another emotion that I feel which is losing out on an opportunity to work in another department (though one is not really sure if one will get the position). I guess it is having no options left if I do not apply; getting stuck with nowhere to go. I guess the overriding 'fear' is that my management does not really need me and are just waiting to let me go, despite all the things that I have done. This is when the doubts creep in the early morning, as I lie in bed staring out into the dark room. Where did I make the wrong turn? What point in time was I heading in the wrong direction, or when did I miss the signs? Did my career really mean nothing.?

Of course, this is useless rumination as my therapist said in our session last week. To keep regurgitating the same thoughts over and over again like a broken record. But it is hard waiting for the transition to happen, seeing the signs that tell my mind to look for other work as I head down into a place where there is nothing left for me to do. Obviously, this is the intended course: to offload your present duties so you can work on your new ones. The fear is realizing that you do not have the skills to function adequately in your new role.

I bought cheap online courses to start learning: JAVA programming and SQL. I have an image of myself being a student again; putting my notebooks into school bag where I can write notes as I learn from the internet.This is the best way forward, to dig in and get the skills that one needs. This was the original intention of this blog anyway, to learn new things as the new world gets underway. But things are moving at a glacial pace, like I am watching myself in slow motion as we hurl into the abyss of the new, where everyone is trying to get a sense of what to do next while the boss is just 'winging' it just like everyone else.

Another Day Another Dollar

For people in my situation, the only remedy is to keep going to the office, to show up for work despite the emotional turmoil that may exist in the mind. The company is a monolith that does not portray it's thinking, though one would normally believe that her representatives show the will of it's management. But these are ordinary people as well, the ones that one would normally turn to and they do try to best as well. So one should take their pronouncements with as grain of salt.

Nevertheless, one should keep engaging with the people and your supervisors so one does not lose touch of reality, to see the writing in the wall. I missed this opportunity, though there was a feeling in the back of my mind but I did try to look for other roles though my workload and personal challenges distracted me from going ahead. There was a lack of will, a momentary doubt that prevented me from going to any new role, preferring the comfort of my present position.

My mistake was to think that the departure of my boss would solve everything, thinking that her move to another role was proof that her criticism of me was without basis. But despite her lower position today, her assessments would still hold weight despite my protestations. So I lingered longer  until it was too late, when management made the decision for me and pushed me to a direction that I myself was moving towards. Now I feel I am in limbo, like a dead man walking, perhaps thinking of retirement and throwing in the towel.

But this is a great place to work, and if one shows his intention to adapt to the new role, willing to go forward and learn new skills, then I think one will be allowed to remain. The main enemy is one's own mind, where inertia and disinterestedness may keep you in your own silo, allowing oneself to be bewildered by the changing workplace. A writer is sometimes a voyeur, being a witness to the tumult surrounding him, not realizing that he needs to be engaged in his role as a participant in the melee.
  

Dodging the Bullet

Last Monday I spoke with my new boss. I wanted to find out if I am still in the good graces of the team. The answer was 'yes' so one could breath easy. I slept well that night, more than 7 hours according to my health app. I wore a fleece jacket over my shirt, fleece pajamas and socks, sleeping under a fleece blanket and comforter. For some reason, I did not feel hot despite my abundance of cover. The temperature did not seem to be any more colder than the previous day. I woke up early the next day, refreshed and ready for work.

The first day was really difficult for me after the weekend, with my mind spinning with thoughts of shame. I did not attend the Monday morning stand-up, instead, I went down to the canteen, bought apple juice and walked along the corridors and stair well waiting for the meeting to end before going back to my cubicle. It was a sad and pitiful sight as I wondered about my future. Meeting the boss before noon and clearing the air was a welcome relief. During lunch time, I went to the gym to swim, soak in the hot tub and steam room before heading back to work.

I wrote to my career counselor that day and still have not received her reply. My mind again started to go into overdrive, where I questioned my self, if I had a right to sending that email. Maybe I should just curl up into a ball and accept whatever fate befalls me. But I have a right to choose my future, perhaps moving to other domains for a different role instead of accepting what is given me. This is democracy after all and I need to explore other options in case my new role does not pan out as expected. But deep down I feel that the team has my back, and I could rely on them to keep me working.

Last night I enrolled into some courses; online training on programming so I can start building my skills again. Sad that I find myself in the same situation after more than a decade. I started this blog to write away my churning thoughts and fears while learning new skills like blogging. There was a reorganization also underway at that time in Singapore and my blog entries helped me keep my sanity. Many year later, I again find myself in the same stressful situation and I am much older, my age creeping up to me. This is the sad reality of capitalism with creative destruction making it's way for the new world to emerge.

  

Dreaming of Grandma

For the past several weeks, my wife and I are watching the detective series 'Vera', set in the North Cumberland locale of England. She reminds me at times of my grandmother who had the same set of driving discipline though she was a teacher and not a Detective Chief Inspector. We watch the show in our bedroom projected out to a 95 inch screen, giving an immersive experience. Watching made us forget the things that were giving us anxiety in the recent days: cancer surgery and changes at work.  But last night, the show reminded me again of grandma and her inspiration to face my troubles aside letting me forget them.

My main fear is really shame, to face people in the office, my friends and colleagues with the spectacle of my failure. It is not really the loss of my position but the loss of face. Deep down I realize that this maybe the best thing that has happened to me; to be relieved of a role that I no longer felt challenged and excited about. I was just just drifting, waiting for a disaster to happen, and to improvise my way out of problems. Frankly, I no longer cared about my job despite my ability to keep delivering as best I can, often late, the requirements needed by business.
 
I really should be jumping for joy despite the initial shock which was really because I did not see it coming, working through my recent troubles and work load. It was really the inevitable result after all the discussion with my boss, exchange of emails and frequent quest for a new role via the application system. But I had cold feet to see it through the end. Now the kick in the butt may just be what I need to move me forward. In fact, I was warned already by my former boss early last year, who herself was transferred to a another position, relieving her of her responsibility in our department. 

So it goes, as Kurt Vonnegut writes in 'Slaughterhouse Five'. A book I was reading this weekend. I also read a book on Edvard Munch and his painting 'The Scream' which  is something that I feel like doing with my present predicament; to scream my despair which is all in my mind ( fear of shame). I yearn for the simple days when I was growing up under the welcome embrace of grandma, when life was simple. So it goes. The important thing is to show up and go on living, to sweep away the anxiety and fear and look at the situation straight in the face. Not to accept defeat which is not the intention of the change but to adapt to the new. So it goes.  

Morning Darkness

I fear I am going to get released soon. These thoughts come out in the morning, as I lay in bed, waking from sleep. The mind not yet in it's rational state, still emerging from dreams. The dark does not help, some light filters in from the windows, coming from the street lamp across the street. I have outlived my usefulness, my middle age made me  paranoid and feeble despite my attempts to be  relevant; joining public speaking clubs, learning to hunt, riding my scooter along the back roads of the countryside. All for naught.

Perhaps my transgressions have come to roost; my internet surfing at work; checking CNN, Bloomberg, BBC, Reuters, New York Times, Washington Post, Politico, FiveThirthyEight, Independent, Telegraph, Mother Jones; to be in touch of the madness gripping national politics. Perhaps this has driven my overwrought mental state, of the coming apocalypse; maybe nukes from North Korea or Russia. It's a good thing I enrolled in the company counselling package where I get to see a therapist for free for a couple of sessions. My second session is coming next week which is just in time.

I have not done bad I think; still engaged in monthly reports and getting things done. Increasing my communication during the monthly reviews and accomplishing some good stuff for the company in the previous year. All these efforts should mean something or so one would think. On balance, I think my positives should more than equal my shortcomings or at least cancel out the bad which should make me even. In the company books, I should be breaking even.

How would gauge someone career? To look back at more than 20 years of service and wonder if this journey really meant something. It has been thrilling ride; living in several countries in the world. Now is the time of reckoning; when the kind wizards would gaze at a person's life before giving judgement. But really, it is up to me on how one would react; it is the individual who decides one's fate; not some dark omniscient machine deciding the fate of man.   

Agile Transformed

The boom has finally come. After dillydallying for several months, nay years, judgement day has come to pass and I walked right into it despite the signs. I should have left long ago, moving to another department with a new position, instead I lingered too long until the company made the decision for me. Announced publicly in front of an audience, while I stayed home, joining the meeting remotely to spare the embarrassment. But I wanted to go to work when I got up yesterday morning, but the weather was bad and I did not like to face the music. At least until Monday when I go to work.

I knew it was coming, the demotion but I just sauntered along with my performance slowly descending into mediocrity; overwhelmed with work. In a way, I should be glad because I still have a job plus I get to work in a role that is less stressful than my previous one.  All I need to do is grin and bear it. That will show them, grace under pressure; the devil may care attitude. I will show my character by being gracious and a good sport. The month has been stressful for me for sure, after my wife's operation which was deadlier especially with the cancer. Finally, my demotion or transformation as the month ended.

Perhaps there is a silver lining somewhere. The choice is to stay and bear the humiliation, though one must not see it that way; rather the inevitable evolution of older workers as they fade into the sunset, heading into retirement. Another is to move to another platform with the same position; not the anxiety of the project manager, but more an analyst role. I  am a mechanic; the crafty old Frenchmen said long ago; accurately seeing my skills for what they are. At least I lasted for about 5 years in the manager's role despite the angst and wear and tear of my psyche.

It is all for the best whatever choice I make because I was crumbling in my job; slowly disintegrating with my lack of passion and conscientiousness. I had to be kicked out to get the message. Loud and clear. Now begins the long road into a new job which should fit right in with the remaining years of my career. The last hurrah of my diminished state; perhaps one final though modest blaze of glory before I go. It already feels like a renewal; a semblance of something new, with sprouts of eagerness and freshness as a move ahead toward a new horizon.