Using tDCS to Focus

The strategy I chose to get me writing is to use tDCS devices to calm and focus my mind. Research has shown that tDCS can focus attention to the task at hand and a good remedy to still the wandering mind. Exercise also has the affect or improving the mind's focus. This morning I ran a 5 k race at the local zoo, walking and jogging in the cold morning, through beautiful nature with the bright sky amidst trees of Cleveland Park. There was a good crowd of people who joined and with people from office. An old friend confided to me after the race that he is requesting to transfer to another project due to stress in the office.

The run was a welcome relief and I practiced in the past week by going to gym to run for 30 minutes, or walked around the office campus and, yesterday swam for 30 minutes after picking up my race kit. I listened to Gregorian chants while running, which was the same series of chants I listen to in bed when I wake up early in the morning. I need to listen to these chants to calm my mind and get me back to sleep. It was a interesting experience to listen to the chants while running amidst nature in cold weather. I ran with my usual partner and office worker from India.

I need these strategies to keep me focused or to reduce stress, whether tDCS devices or Gregorian chants or morning meditation to keep my mind straight. Otherwise I am reduced to doom scrolling the internet in my phone. I remarked to my old friend, a brilliant young Indian who moved here from Bangalore in the recent years, that the good days are gone. I will miss him especially the moment when I needed his help on software issues. He is fed up with the politics and being thew constant victim of 'escalation' from the new team that took over the support process.

He remarked that there is a lot of stress and turmoil in the office and I agree with him. I have moved to a new department which is much organized and less stressful as compared to my previous role as squad leader and project manager, but new role has the same stress though at a higher level. I still feel sadness and a rising anger whenever I remember those times prior to my move where my superiors where actually idiots who thought they were doing the right thing. If not for my strategies of coping, which included therapy, I would have become bitter and distraught.

Exercise and mediation is not enough to keep me straight so I have included a daily writing habit bolstered by tDCS to keep me focused as I attempt to finally write a book. This writing habit will be my savior and give meaning to my life as I enter my late years. Hopefully the effort will result in a book where I can share my stories and give a voice to a life long lost when I was young. It will be a story about my grandmother, about the war years, and my early youth when Martial Law was proclaimed, when a senator was killed and gave birth to a people's revolution that brought down an aging tyrant.    

   

Spring Cometh

Spring is here. Last week the lingering cold of winter remains though spring is around the corner with buds coming out, birds and bees fly about. Time to focus on lawn care by spraying weed killer, scarifying the lawn, and laying out weed and feed granules. I thought about doing all these tasks in one day but realized it's my all or nothing mindset. Instead I cleared out the old pergola, rearranged the furniture and will spray weed later at dusk. I will do the other tasks later in the week.

The week at work had some diffcult meetings where I needed to re-schedule to clear up some concerns though I did not follow the procedure and went about my bullying and authoritarian ways. My boss gave his usula feedback and said I was doing good, being a veteran project manger and giving guidance to the younger people in the team. Of course, I am the oldest person in the department having close to 30 years of service so I am the eldest in the department which makes me feel dated and irrelevant.

He did say that my character fault is being abrasive which is a trait I admit to have, due to my feeling of superiority; not recognizing that people don't have a hyper-active mind like me. Surprise! Yesterday I participated as judge in the TM area contest and the speeches where very good, with a much higher quality of speeches than the usual area contest. It was a challenge to decide on the best when almost all were very good speakers; mostly coming from the same club. I like going to these events and listening to the speeches as judge. Perhaps my abrasiveness  is due people not living to the TM standards.

I spoke to an old friend, an office mate and toastmaster herself, roughly the same age and with similar years of service. We talked about retirement and about the old department where I used to work in together with her and exchanged notes on the leadership who did not treat me well. I was traumatized during that period though I recovered from the ordeal. The transition to my new post had been good though internally I was plaugued by doubt and everytme I have difficult meetings, I have attacks of imposter syndrome.

These episodes of stress are momentary as my meditation and mindfulness practice helped me evolved away from my usual catastrophic mindset which hit the apex in my last department role. Social interactions with my friends who are aware of my difficulties with a younger colleague, also a "friend" have been ackward but I exhibited my best behavior; keeping any anger in check and moving on. But I will never have the same closeness with my clique as our values are not the same. They now seem trivial and foolish with a shallow view of life.

I watched the film 'Siddharta' and listened to the book by Herman Hesse where the film was based, about the awakening of a young Brahmin. It's the type of book that one should read when young or when middle aged, searching for enlightenment in one's remaining years. Hesse was a Nobel awardee and so is Anne Ernaux whose book about a physical affair between an elder writer and a younger man would seem like overly sexual in an earlier time. The contrast between Earnaux and Hesse is stark; as if the world turned into hedonism and pleasure.

I am aware when my mind hits it's day dreaming mode, as if stuck in limbo the way a computer would "hang"; the mind filled with multiple thoughts and tasks. I wonder if this is the result of age; though I do have contradictory impulses or too much tasks like wanting to write a book, go to the gym, learn French and play the ukelele and guitar. The mental lapses is managed with TDSC and TMS devices especially in the afternoon as the mind gets tired and loses attention.

I have been using music and sound therapy, binaural beats and Georgian chants to suppliment my morning meditation. I also juggle and plan to play computer games to keep my cognition sharp. I worry that my mental state will deteriorate faster if I don't continue learning and meditate. This is the challenge of getting old and sometimes spring and summer give hope of renewal. I dreamed recently of being in a war, not with guns or bulletes, but of boundaries with people running in rolling fields and hillsides, protecting their territory with bluster.

Brain Rot

I was in the office today but spent most of the time surfing the web and reading various news stories about Russia and Ukraine, the Korean air disaster, eulogies on Jimmy Carter, and so on plus articles on dementia, mindfulness, and exercise. This type of behavior is often called brain rot, where the mind allows itself to be distracted; drifting from one topic to another and not focusing on the task at hand to revise a design document. 

I did do some work in the morning, reading emails, and coordinating a meeting on the remaining project task though these were trivial activities that one could multi-task while surfing the net. The office was empty and I did not need to be at work but went anyway thinking that I would not be procrastinating while at my work desk. Finally, near the end of the workday, I started to focus with the help of binaural beats using earphones. Perhaps it is my age that now requires me to use external techniques to keep me focused.

Meditation and mindfulness are supposed to keep me on track but that did not help today. I went to the gym and used the treadmill for 30 minutes and met a former colleague who retired a few years back and had a conversation reliving the old days. I updated him on the recent event before going back to the office to procrastinate some more. After work, we celebrated my son's birthday with my wife in a Japanese restaurant and ate sashimi, edamame, miso soup eel with rice, and squid balls. At least the day ended well with good food.

Procrastinating is the biggest challenge where one allows distraction to take over despite being mindful of allowing oneself to drift while watching movies and reading many trivial books to prevent the actual work from being done. Brain rot is like the disease of the elderly, where one allows oneself to go to seed without fighting that last good battle to achieve transformation. I intend to fight this drift by learning to juggle plus more frequent use of TCDS devices to zap electricity to my brain.

I already use devices like PEMF and binaural beats plus music therapy nearly every day to supplement my daily meditation and Tai Chi. These activities have reduced my usual rumination and catastrophe thinking though I still catch myself with thoughts of doubt in my work and anxiety towards work and my relationship with my friends. I fear shame with an insecurity complex or possibly low self-esteem, comparing myself to others and feeling inadequate.

Thankfully therapy and meditation keep me sane as I constantly challenge myself instead of just taking life as it is. The year-end allows me to take stock of where I am and realize that too much thought is dreadful. However, listening to a podcast about how philosophy can make you happy but contemplating one's life and with self-awareness and reflection can make a good life move achievable. The Scandinavian way of enjoying the outdoors,  exercise, 'fika', and 'hygge' is the Nordic secret to being happy.

Everything is a Journey

A recent article in NYT talks about the use of the word 'journey' to describe any event or experience in people's lives.  No longer a word that connotes a physical trip, the word now becomes a metaphor for whatever experience or challenge occurring in one's life.  Several journeys or stories are happening in my life at the moment. I say story because the word 'journey' is really about storytelling, to depict one's challenges as a sort of voyage of salvation, redemption, or transformation. The struggle must be difficult otherwise the experience is trivial.

• Journey #1: transfer to a new department, adapt to new people and ways of working, and learn and lead a project in a new area of the company

• Journey #2: leave behind my old team without rancor, anger, revenge-seeking, or bitterness and, instead, be grateful and not disdainful of their success; be big-hearted and proud of their progress;

• Journey #3: to adapt to new tools and techniques like artificial intelligence, building a second brain, Microsoft 365 co-pilot, Google Gemini, and ChatCPT, to be outgoing and more open to people and follow new ways and not succumb to ageism being middle-aged;

• Journey #4: continue to progress in extracurricular activities that will increase my understanding and appreciation of the wider and not just consumed by work: play golf in the company league, participate in Toastmasters, watch Opera and National Theatre;
  
  
• Journey #5: continue to meditate and practice mindfulness, focus on my health by going to the gym, swimming, biking, running in 5k races, and managing my mind not to keep churning thoughts about perceived slights from friends or office politics or envy or focusing of trivial internet surfing and self-debasement plus continuing therapy and self-reflection;

• Journey #6: continue the effort to write a book and use the latest tools to be a writer, attend online lessons in writing and continue lessons on various topics to let me be a better writer have a regular routine, and foster a disciplined writing craft;

This weekend my mind was again churning with too many thoughts about work, friendships, projects, and planned hours improvements all under a cloud of paranoia, dark desires, low self-esteem, and plots and the flights of the ego; of being the center of the world and wanted time due to thoughtless abuse and shameful pleasure.

There is too much thinking, worry, daydreams, external stimuli, and ambition that meditation and mindfulness help me control, and listening to Gregorian chants and church music helps alleviate and soothe the mind. Again the solution is Just Do It following the Nike commercial because one has the experience knowledge and success being in the place that one is in today. However one must have compassion and self-love that one cannot do everything. 

Back to Work

My trip to California and Oregon was a welcome break. To revisit a different world and way of life to what one has not experienced enough; the West Coast vibe, the spectacular scenery such as the California coastlines and surrounding hills, desert landscape (Anza-Borrego Desert State Park), Oregon parks and waterfalls, Portland with it's quirky atmosphere, Willamette Valley and Silver Falls State Park. Wedding was the best I have attended, a young couple with bright, fun spirit and their visible love and affection; reception in a former Orchard under beautiful blue sky, drinking wine and meeting wonderful people.

We rented a house with a pool in Orange County near the church and reception venue, to avoid the traffic coming Menifee. The house was beside a park where I walked in the morning with other regular park goers; mostly Asian living in the neighborhood which made me feel more at home. I always loved Los Angeles having lived here in my youth; living with my father and brother working on a real estate project, going to work in a factory in City of Industry from our home in Glendale. Old memories came back to me especially of our trips along the highway, visits to Las Vegas, travelling the Pacific Coast highway from San Francisco to Los Angeles.

I have been to Los Angeles a few times since moving here nearly 15 years ago. I always have good memories of California;  of the feeling of freedom and being in the future. The wedding made me understand time is indeed moving fast plus my approaching retirement in a couple years. I wondered if my life had gone as planned. I looked tired and old in the wedding pictures; with old memories and old ways of thinking. I imagined that visiting California and Oregon would return me to my youth, to make me see the world as a young man and be imbued with new ideas and purpose. It was a fleeting feeling on the days after I returned home.

I completed one course on mindfulness and meditation and completing another. Based on evidence, the practice of meditation and mindfulness are proven ways to transform the mind. This will be the way to change not just a trip or vacation to the West Coast! I also started a new session with an experience therapist using my company benefit. My minds tries to go back to old patterns of toxic rumination and on consciously reminds one self to keep one's mind away from the gutter. My daily practice makes me aware of these thoughts and to seek a different framework of think; one filled with hope, optimism and light.

Old Friend

Yesterday I connected with a colleague who worked in China who knew an old friend of mine who died last March. We reminisced in the chat as we remotely remembered his brilliance and untiring devotion to his craft, he was a true legend and an expert in his field who unfortunately was a heavy smoker. He had a stroke and died after a few days. The outpouring of grief and remembrance was evident on his Facebook page. I was shocked when I heard the news disbelieving he was dead because of his outsized personality and larger than life to many people in Thailand,  China, Philippines, India and other places where he set up the logistics network. 

He never faltered in his career and everyone knew his contribution to the company. In retrospect, I am reading the book 'The Greatest Trade Ever'  about the big short on the housing market that made a small group of contrarian very wealthy. These people were thought to be over the hill, in the twilight of their career , personalities that did not fit the prevailing ethos of the current workplace they were in. Instead, believing in their own genius and went on toward their lonely path, eventually to greatness.

I am not like my my old friend, instead similarly to those people in the big short who listend to the beat of their own distant drums. I am an outsider who is never comfortable as squad lead, who did not like to be in the spotlight of being a leader. I think  I did have my moments but I always felt awkward. Looking back at my notes, I did mention that I prefer to act alone as a project manager rather than a scrum master.In fact I did apply for the post of project manager but due to a screw up (in my point of view) was shifted into this position which I just waltzed into, thinking my current skills will see me through.

It did not help that I was not given the training so  I did the best I could and the stupid management team clueless as well went to the clumsy attempts to try to improve me or convince me to go to another post. In the end, like a good soldier, I moved to the the post that I had originally applied for, accepting the responsibility or blame that my immediate management did not have the courage or decency to accept the judgement of being in the chain of command. I feel like one of those characters in the book looking for their place in the sun. 

I miss my old friend with the certainity of his convictions and the courage of his beliefs to move ahead to get things done no mattter the consequences. So I lurk in the shadows improving my mind through meditation, to keep my wits and sanity as I transition into this role, attending remote seminars on project management, learning new skils in building a second brain, reflecting and working on new projects as I try to get unstuck. In fact, it is not as bad as I make it seem as I have many supporters and friends and the company is kind. It is not a bad world afterall. 

Mind + Wandering = Procrastination

Last week I was able to complete the online courses I needed to finish for the year. This was probable the most fruitful work I did all week although I did engage in several good meeting on various projects and topics. A fair amount of procrastination occurred which I tried to manage by moving to my other work space in my bed room in the afternoon coming from my son's room where I  work in the morning. I do get bored in lose focus and attention if I stay in one place and see the need to move to regain focus. Also , the sun sets in my son's room which make the place warmer.

In my son's room, my 2 monitors are set up one on top of the other in a vertical alignment while my monitors in the my bedroom are set-up on a horizontal alignment. The different alignment allows me a fresh change. Yesterday I decided to only have 2 monitors active, instead of 3   which include my laptop but this has not helped me and perhaps contribute to confusion when I try to juggle multiple screens or work spaces. So I close the cover of my lap top monitor and work in the 2 external monitors. Simplicity does help in reducing mental confusion.

I am always in my head, thinking about solutions and next steps that I end up paralyzed and not moving as fast as needed. I will start externalizing my thinking by writing in notebook or tablet or eRemarkable or in my whiteboard or post it board to bring out the ideas in my head. Doodling and bullet lists and short observations or sentences should stimulate and better facilitate the needed action. I have the bad habit of thinking that I should write out the ideas in long form, in well thought off paragraphs like in an essay which is actually the finish product - a well though of action plan. Instead scribbling or doodling is an the act of thinking and moving forward already.

I like to do mind mapping but I tend to think through first what needs to be in the map when one should just do - it without any fully formed thoughts as the act of mapping without thinking is the idea as the exercise will stimulate the needed mental activity. Same with other external tools in my smart phone or devices : to - do list, calendars, note taking. My grand plan of trying our Build a Second Brain (BASB) concept has further confused me with all the jumble of ideas and tools that can be used to achieve the goal of externalizing the mind. Hence, I end up in my head with too much churning ideas.

Amidst the jumble of these mental activities plus the thinking involved in my work projects, training and personal projects like writing a book and cleaning out my garage, my mind leaps into day dreams; thinking about plots of revenge in office politics, or future dream states such as being rich and famous after writing bestseller or living in Europe or making high grossing films or future romances or escapades. These day dreams get triggered when I am bored or when a perceived slight occurs in the office, or  when I am stressed or anxious due to perceived external threats ( losing my job) that the mind escapes into fantasy.

Hence my attempts to do more meditation, to be more mindful of my mental gyrations and to be in the moment. But meditation is not enough to succeed in my my life and work. Being a knowledge worker requires the mind to be in top shape, using the latest tools and through externalizing thinking and having good habits and a conducive workspace. This is all the more important as one grows older with the mind losing it's former youthful power but with a potential to compensate for it's age with brain  plasticity. Is this were gadgets like TCDS (electric current ) or PEMF ( magnetic waves ) help the brain keep up.?             

Inside the Bubble

Last week I wallowed in semi-self-pity and paranoia though fought back with deliberate mindfulness by not paying attention or having these thoughts without judgment to realize their silliness.  Daily meditation allows one to be in the moment but the mind ceaselessly churns out thoughts but now with less consequence and control. A meditative mind that is mindful of its thoughts needs a tool to be aware of the demands of work, the next steps of a project, reply to an email, need to schedule meetings, and whatnot. A calm mind is a solution to burnout and overwork but may not be the best mind in a busy workplace where the need for action is paramount.

However, there are great business leaders like Ray Dalio the late Steve Jobs, and other who benefits from meditation and mindfulness. The secret is to Build a Second Brain (BASB) - a tool for knowledge management that makes one efficient by having more bandwidth in the brain by moving out mental data into an external location using tools like OneNote, Notion, Obsidian, and EverNote. This is really more on managing your mind not only with meditation but in the way one thinks, and building systems like BASB and knowledge management.

The key is a strong note-taking habit and a process to distill and categorize these notes into a system can can be organized and easily retrieved when the need arises. This requires one to be less emotional which is my main challenge. Often thoughts brought out by events bring out anxiety and fear with misattributed or incorrect reasonings and misguided course of actions. Meditation allows one to control and mind and one's emotions which scales back the thinking process in a way that one is not used to if one like me is driven by thoughts, action plans, strategies, and so on.

Instead, a calm unassuming mind that is temperate removes the constant churning of thoughts and actions and externalizes them into outside systems of knowledge - a second brain that allows one to be active in the moment but content that another tool is behind one's well-being. Otherwise, one remains inside the bubble forever driven by a monkey mind without the benefit of mental rigor and calm deliberation. Get out of the bubble which is not only achieved by meditation and BASB but also by journaling and practicing CBT or cognitive behavior therapy.

Meditation Blues

Meditation and mindfulness exercises help a certain type of individual except for those who are prone to rumination and overthinking. Although the act does try to increase one's awareness of thought bubbles, after meditation the mind does go back to its circular thinking patterns if one does not consciously focus or recognize the mind has settled back into its usual process like a hand into a glove. One does brings attention to this predicament and tries to get out of the hole again.

Rumination swerves quickly to anxiety and worry that the next act is procrastination and distraction. Mediation does make one conscious of the thought bubbles but the result seems to be more procrastination; avoiding the work that one needs to do. This is another dilemma that compounds one's mental balance with the internet lurking in the background with its incessant feed and TikTok videos. One would think that meditation will make one more conscious of addictions but the inevitable effect is succumbing to distraction again.

This week was eventful with the supervisor away for another week due to covid though formally back to work though keeping a low profile. The movie star business leader is off making good progress with our help though our team was also busy completing the sprint demo and sprint planning for the next cycle of work. My mind dreads both the supervisor for her seeming feeling of superiority and the business needs leader's youthful drive to slay inefficiencies where ever he finds them. Both contribute to a slight tinge of worry which my mind always ruminates on.

In the meantime, I struggle in my own wheelhouse with my own thoughts of inadequacy and shortcomings. After each sprint is a retrospective where the squad gives their feedback on what went well, what did not, and what needs improvement.  As a squad leader, one needs to have a thick skin and roll with the punches, and avoid ruminating that one is inadequate. One soldier along with some victories such as the CSD meetings which one has initiated to try new tools.

But the onslaught of work, new information, and request keep coming into one's mental space. Active attempts to increase one's capacity via additional monitors, better work area, new techniques like building a better brain, and yes, meditation, tai chi, and exercise do continue. Sometimes it feels like a constant battle; to keep abreast of things and stay relevant and lead despite one rumination that all are against him with the silence of the supervisor which is either a lack of leadership that one is setting me up to fail. Or the onslaught of the business side who forever moves ahead for business efficiency; showing the squad's shortcomings and lack of initiative.

The answer is grace under pressure, to move like water instead of being an immovable mountain. Hence, back to meditation and mindfulness.  To be flexible and to continue increasing one's skills. Introspection and mind dump via journaling to express and re-frame one's experience is also important. Last week was another busy week in which we successfully completed our sprint, started a new one, and kept with the numerous meetings, chats, and email replies despite lack of sleep and lurking anxiety and procrastination.

Sprint Demo

Our squad had its sprint demo today with squad members presenting their accomplishments. The day started slightly disorganized as the team scrambled to complete the presentation. One slide was missed and the team rushed to add the missing slide a few minutes before the sprint started. The demo went well with certain members presenting their accomplishments. After the demo, we had a retrospective to review what worked and did not and what needed improvement.

The session was brutally honest as more areas needed to be improved compared to what went well. It was a call for changes and I did my part by scheduling weekly sessions with each squad member. A humbling experience for me but I had the reckoning coming. The honesty of the session was good as everyone had a chance to speak out and clear the air. The next step is clearly to perform and make improvements. This is the kind of situation that I like due to the challenges.

In the afternoon, I had my frequent feedback session where we cleared the air with my domain manager. There were past episodes of tension and my boss had a chance to express her concerns while I had an opportunity to apologize, More work was piled on me but that is what I wanted anyway since the model I wanted to do was not approved. Such is the game that I find myself in with challenges from the squad and from my boss.

The productivity videos and books that I am reading are just in time for such a quandary. I do not feel any stress and took these challenges in stride. These are the circumstances of any manager facing tough times at work and one needs to keep his wits and weather the storm.  The work day ended on a good note with the last meeting of the day where I explained the plan for the deployment of a project I was leading as project manager. The business team supports my view.

There is a lot of talk about mental health these days as people cope with inflation, return to work, covid ( some people in the office still wear masks) personal challenges, and work demands. The threat of nuclear war in the horizon with the war between Ukraine and Russia. Is this milieu causing people to complain more? Can this situation be attributed to external factors rather than immediate work stress? People have their own perception of reality ( see Vladimir Putin) that the world is a mess.

Good Week ?

A day ago my relative left the hospital, talking to him on the phone as his family drove him home, he sounded fresh and, yes, different: more articulate and perhaps self-aware, although difficult to tell in such a short conversation. Today is his birthday and he replied to my birthday greeting,’ 2nd life is the best gift ever’. So it is turning out to be a good week despite my mental and physical exhaustion at work.  Still scrambling, fighting fires; unable to define a systematic process that will help me, instead of being reactive to the events as they come. I scheduled several meeting to meet with customers and development team, writing minutes and updating tickets. Oftentimes this has made me inefficient, finding it difficult to multitask due to my aging brain(?), adjusting not only to the physical decline but to mental decline (?) as well. Oftentimes I am unable to continue working the rest of the day after these meetings.  Therefore, a systemic way of working is truly needed.

But I have too many excuses: adjusting to a new role, learning new tools, meeting and working with new people, increasing workload, continuing support to 2 systems, increased extracurricular tasks (as Area Governor in Toastmaster) and, lastly,  family problems. All these have added their burdens and my usual method of coping: exercising, Tai Chi meditation and journal writing to fight stress and pressure are not as effective today.  I also try to learn new things to keep my mind active by having new experiences (war re-enactment, electronic art, exploring parks, etc.) similar to what I tried to do in Singapore: learning to play the guitar and roller blading. The mind is elastic; participating in Toastmaster has been good but I may have reached my limit. But is it a mental boundary? Although I do feel that I have reached my physical boundaries as well. But one must go on and the fluid mind is the answer, to be light on one’s feet and not dwell on mistakes or embarrassments like the speech contest gaffe that occurred in last Saturday’s conference. But these are all trivial when compared to my friends’ ordeal.

I want to start a new, simpler life; borrow fewer books, see fewer movies and focus on important things: do I quit Toastmasters, stop my cable subscription and other insignificant things? Last weekend, I went and threw my bundle of junk mail, throwing away stuff like old boxes that piled up in the garage, placing my equipment in a new place so I can free up space in my cabinet; inconsequential ways to improve for sure, trying to rid the mind of old patterns that strive to be in motion, following the dictates of a ‘monkey’ mind. A hint of mortality has come with my friend’s episode, re-focusing life to the important things, seeking authenticity and relevance, trying to find signs of a life well – lived. Being middle aged, still unable to write and live the life of one’s dream, but pressed by challenges; aware finally of one’s mortality brings new freshness; to focus on what is important. One has to discard the dreams of a young man as no longer feasible, to travel more and seek more adventures; instead to stop wandering and hunker down as one prepares for the final fight with mortality.

On Paranoia

Yesterday I had a short meeting with my boss because my efficiency rate for the previous month was below par. It was a civil discussion and I admitted that I needed to do some improvements. I think it also raised my point that I am open to new work or project. But I realized I made a mistake in my time sheet entries last month although I thought that it was a subconscious urge to make my desire known of my availability for other projects. Normally this episode would have made me anxious and tense if I were in Asia. But I did not feel the usual stress because the environment here is much more open and supportive. Back stabbing is not a good office behavior.

On the other hand I did wake up early in the morning at about 2 am and had an anxiety attack. Nervous thoughts filled the mind with all sorts of perceived connections. I recognize that the mind attributed the meeting with real or imagined procrastinations at work. Things like excessive Internet surfing or just staying in my cube without speaking to neighbors or perhaps working on personal stuff instead of actual work. It all came to fore as the real reason behind the meeting. It’s the old cognitive mistake; of the mind making an attribution error. But my readings of cognitive behavior therapy came to the rescue and my mind started to discount these attribution errors.


I struggled in the dark to calm my mind by trying to meditate, by counting my breath. It was more difficult now than ever before. It was difficult to bring my mind away from anxious thoughts and focus on my breath. My wife could not sleep as well and I had frequent trips to the toilet. All these events foretell an uneasy and sleepless night. But later on I was able to quiet my mind by counting my breath and I was able to drift to sleep. I realize that I needed to change my work behavior and I had crossed a threshold in my new work place. The honey moon is over and I need to get serious. Eventually I drifted to sleep although my wife went to another room to get a more fitful sleep. I think I started to snore by this time.

Perhaps triggering my paranoia is the coming changes in my workplace. Or at least the perceived changes that I think are coming. There are new people around and I think personnel in the project maybe changed. So it is part of my paranoia; driven by perceived changes as well as my awful work habits. At least I woke up early and I left for work before 8am. Usually I am late but I had a chance to be early today. Coming to work early is the first step for a change in work habits. Being up front with my office mates is also a required behavior. Being able to communicate and speak socially with your mates is important to survive here at work. A lone ranger, genius type arrogance is not popular here.


Behavioral and perceptual improvements are also needed in national politics. Watching Barack Obama in his recent state of the union address, meeting with both Republicans and Democrats I think foretell a required change as well. Political transformation seems to be on the air and Bill Clinton type adaptability and political maneuvering maybe needed in order to survive. I think there is too much emphasis on Obama’s leadership role to initiate change instead of a need for back room compromising and deft moves to push the process forward. Sometimes I think my fortunes also depend on Obama’s success because of the spirit of openness and change that he engendered with his election. His victory seems to have brought some openness and tolerance and diversity to all areas of society like my work place. I think some push back may occur if he fails.

Getting Up to Speed

Moving to another country with a family requires a fast track to the new home’s life style. For example, moving from Asia to America is a big leap. The attitudes and perspectives are miles apart that perhaps one could easily adapt if one spent his growing years feeding on Hollywood movies, western music and western literature. Still not enough to ensure an easy landing as it’s a big step to understand the inner working of American life. For instance, if one moves from a society that encourages public transportation to a car owner centric culture. Also, from a society that is based on scarcity to one of abundance.


After hitting the ground, the first thing that one should work on is one’s credit score. The credit score is one’s doorway to a good life. Getting a good credit score means having a credit card (sometime more than one) and using it frequently, paying a mortgage and a car loan at the very least. In other words, being in debt is the goal. Saving money is not something that is respected here. So being in debt to financial institutions is one’s passport to prosperity. It’s like an enormous factory producing money so that one should avail of this outpouring of credit to fit in. If one does not avail of credit, the powers that be will lower your credit score and adversely affect your future prospects.


Being in debt actually means that one is a part of a society who insures that the wheel of ‘prosperity’ is constantly turning. The turning wheel encompasses a long chain that start from the raw materials dug from the ground in Asia or Africa, products built in the factories of China and Malaysia or Eastern Europe, shipped through the seas to the developed world and sold on huge malls like Carrefour and Wall-Mart. This also means the multitude of cars manufactured in factories all over the world as well as the houses being built and stocks being sold all of which contribute to a rising bubble. A bubble means that it’s a fake, something not real but driven by artificial means.


Strangely, that’s modern life and one should know how to navigate all the complexities to be successful. Learning about IRA, ROTH plans medical insurance, health care, college tuition, car loan, mortgages, interest rates, ARM or fixed rate loans, driver’s permit, federal aid, bankruptcy laws, federal and state taxes, immigration laws and so on are just a part of what one needs to understand to settle here. All these are interconnected and affect your life in ways that you would not realize. But all these structures and rules and laws work to make one’s life a success in ‘the pursuit of happiness’.

Somehow these are the concrete manifestations of a dynamic society that works; a way of life shaped by wars and greed, by innovation and wealth and individual effort and hard work. Things seem much simpler back in Asia until one realizes that the government and its bureaucrats make all the money. Everyone here needs to hustle and all these structures aim to equip one with the ability to make money; often with a chance even to be wealthy. Of course, it’s an illusion because like a bubble it’s all a fake. No inner contentment despite the large house, new car and latest gizmos. Perhaps this is where Asia trumps the west with its yoga, tai chi, meditation and cultivation of the inner life.