Watching John Ford

As a latecomer to John Ford's films, one is surprised at the sophistication and technical excellence of his films; realizing later that Ford has more Academy Awards as a director than anyone. I had the impression that his films were cheesy with cliche Westerns but in fact, his oeuvre can be compared to the works of Kurosawa and Bergman. My prejudice or rather my snobbishness made me miss the richness of his movies. I had seen movie scenes of his work many times but avoided plunging in; preferring foreign directors like Fellini, Antonioni, and Kurosawa and neglecting Ford who may be the best of them all.

It was the series 'Dark Winds' about a Native American sheriff located in the immense grandeur of Monument Valley with memories fresh from my visit to the desert near Temecula in Southern California. There was a scene in the series in a hotel in the valley where Ford stayed together with his film stars when filming his movies. My interest in Native Americans increased since watching the recent movie "Killers of the Flower Moon". I visited Cherokee village in the Smoky Mountains with a close friend many years ago and the memory is still fresh with the dances and museum visit.

Going back to Ford's Westerns was a welcome change where right and wrong was clear though there were moments of complexity that gave his films a fair and realistic tinge. It felt like a return to old values when the issue was clear unlike in today's world of disinformation, lies, and confusion. So far I watched 'My Darline Clementine', 'Cheyenne Autumn', and 'The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance' and can't wait for his other films. The performance of the old movie greats was also distinctive with nuances that I did not notice when watching these greats while growing up. 

Henry Fonda, Richard Widmark, John Wayne, and James Stewart are much better actors than I remembered them to be. Their old-time allure especially of old Hollywood brings back to my mind the books of David Niven of a Los Angeles that no longer exist. I always loved LA and my recent visit due to my niece's wedding recalled back to the old days as the reception was in an old Orchard.  I cling to the past of the old movies and books of those long-ago days.

A terrible hurricane swept through the Carolinas last week bringing power outages, lost internet, and destruction to mountain communities on a Biblical scale. I was disoriented last week after the storm, going to the office for 3 days due to no internet access at home, watching the news of the devastation in Western North Carolina, and seeing downed trees and pole lines everywhere while I took advantage of the lull amidst the storm by taking a course on AI for Project Managers; an excellent course that shows a path to the future.

In this chaotic situation brought about by the weather, I also struggle with my new circumstances being in this new department in my new role for about eight months. The noise and turmoil of the election adds to this mix that I often find myself bewildered though focusing on learning new things like AI and Power BI, while trying to fix a BI issue where I am trying out new skills. The election will be done so hopefully in a peaceful manner, while the hurricane has passed and people try to get back or rebuild their lives.

Further struggles lie ahead but a welcome respite watching Ford's old Westerns, reconnecting to old values, and moving forward with one's instincts and keeping one's wits. These old movie stars with their grace and perseverance offer a kind of hope though their kind is never to be seen before. A venerable Toastmaster also passed away a few weeks ago, someone who I had admired with his English accent and manners though he was from New Zealand as if he was from an old tie when people respected each other; an impression I had from my Grandmother who also passed away; a representative of any older and kinder time and those who remain here in this work for the moment are left to continue their example.

On Being A Professional

I had the chance to attend several web trainings last week. The courses I attended were Digital Marketing, Hybrid Project Management, and SAFe or Scaled Agile Framework. So much I did not know especially about SAFe despite being practiced in the company. I thought I knew what was going on but in fact, I was just winging it in my ignorance; based on a vague understanding of what was going on. It's more of the experience gained which I don't consciously recognize due to my predilection to having a 'beginners' mind all the time.

A beginner's mind is always good but needs to consider the skills and experience already gained with the many years at work. Similar to the way I play golf; still have that imposter's feeling of being a beginner and having all the techniques and stances and swing rules in the playing fields when one needs to throw that away and just 'feel' the game. This is how one graduates from being a perpetual amateur and into being an old hand. Lessons do help obviously but one needs to incorporate confidence by having faith and playing the game with one's natural 'feeling' and wits.

"Feeling" in golf means to chunk away the lessons in the mind but just go about playing with what feels right which is gained from many years of effort. I have been playing golf for more than 20 years and I should recognize that and not go back to being an amateur in my mental space. Similar to novel writing, I do not have the confidence to just write but instead, go back to the lessons and buy all sorts of webinars to continue my learning when I have read and write since my youth. This experience already entitles me to a certain confidence that should allow me to move ahead.

Instead, I continue to attend trainings to keep me updated when I am already ahead. For instance, when I already know a particular subject, I persist in borrowing all the books about the topic and submerging myself into the subject until I am an expert. Such efforts are actually useless and only an indulgence. Of course, at work, I do have to earn units regularly to keep my certification as a professional project manager. There is so much new technology or knowledge to learn that one is perpetually a student.

Last week, I presented an update on my project and introduced a metric that the domain managers liked. This output came out of my experience and not from any training. I have been a PM for 19 years and have been with the company for 29 years. I have many decades of experience in golf, reading and writing,  biking, swimming, and being a Toastmaster. This background qualifies me to evolve into a confident golfer, a successful novelist, and a professional manager. Banish my doubts and feelings of being an imposter and being a perpetual amatuer.

Old Friend

Yesterday I connected with a colleague who worked in China who knew an old friend of mine who died last March. We reminisced in the chat as we remotely remembered his brilliance and untiring devotion to his craft, he was a true legend and an expert in his field who unfortunately was a heavy smoker. He had a stroke and died after a few days. The outpouring of grief and remembrance was evident on his Facebook page. I was shocked when I heard the news disbelieving he was dead because of his outsized personality and larger than life to many people in Thailand,  China, Philippines, India and other places where he set up the logistics network. 

He never faltered in his career and everyone knew his contribution to the company. In retrospect, I am reading the book 'The Greatest Trade Ever'  about the big short on the housing market that made a small group of contrarian very wealthy. These people were thought to be over the hill, in the twilight of their career , personalities that did not fit the prevailing ethos of the current workplace they were in. Instead, believing in their own genius and went on toward their lonely path, eventually to greatness.

I am not like my my old friend, instead similarly to those people in the big short who listend to the beat of their own distant drums. I am an outsider who is never comfortable as squad lead, who did not like to be in the spotlight of being a leader. I think  I did have my moments but I always felt awkward. Looking back at my notes, I did mention that I prefer to act alone as a project manager rather than a scrum master.In fact I did apply for the post of project manager but due to a screw up (in my point of view) was shifted into this position which I just waltzed into, thinking my current skills will see me through.

It did not help that I was not given the training so  I did the best I could and the stupid management team clueless as well went to the clumsy attempts to try to improve me or convince me to go to another post. In the end, like a good soldier, I moved to the the post that I had originally applied for, accepting the responsibility or blame that my immediate management did not have the courage or decency to accept the judgement of being in the chain of command. I feel like one of those characters in the book looking for their place in the sun. 

I miss my old friend with the certainity of his convictions and the courage of his beliefs to move ahead to get things done no mattter the consequences. So I lurk in the shadows improving my mind through meditation, to keep my wits and sanity as I transition into this role, attending remote seminars on project management, learning new skils in building a second brain, reflecting and working on new projects as I try to get unstuck. In fact, it is not as bad as I make it seem as I have many supporters and friends and the company is kind. It is not a bad world afterall. 

Remote Training

Last week I attended a Zoom training for 4 days. Despite being remote, the seminar went well as the 2 trainers were extremely knowledgeable and experienced. They organized breakout rooms, effectively grouping people together and giving us small projects for each team to discuss and present. The  technology allowed us to interact and engage with each other despite not being physically together. I admit I lost my shyness by keeping our cameras open and interacting with other people.

Since moving into my new role, I have gotten back to my PMI world as PM, getting PDU units to keep my accreditation. I plan to also continue my Toastmaster membership and attend meetings. The decision for leave my former role was the right thing to do and I have to bear whatever burden and loss that may bring. I read an old journal entry where I recorded my conversation with the former manager and I told him that I wanted to leave the squad and act on my own as project manager. 

The challenge would be not to succumb to self pity and paranoia but to strike out in my new role and excel like I always do in projects. There is a path forward if I keep my wits and initiative, and the journey will be a rebirth, to get unstuck and recover from stress and anxiety. It is a good sign that this month I have the best sleep score than the previous months which shows I am heading back to a more saner life.

I am getting back my old confidence being away from working with people, organizing weekly activities and getting things done. I see the progress and new method being used and the change happening to the squad and glad the are thriving under the new squad leader. I am glad to have experienced that role and to meet with each of the squad member but this was not my wheelhouse. I am glad to have gotten the mental space and bandwidth to do project and also personally to finally focus on my project to write a novel.

AI has brought a new path forward and this new technology makes senses for me to use. Never have I imagined that such a tool would exist that would perfectly fit my situation and aptitude. I may have stumbled into an area that may fit exactly my temperament and skills (or lack thereof). A door has opened and it's up to me to focus, master the new technology and move ahead.