Old Friend

Yesterday I connected with a colleague who worked in China who knew an old friend of mine who died last March. We reminisced in the chat as we remotely remembered his brilliance and untiring devotion to his craft, he was a true legend and an expert in his field who unfortunately was a heavy smoker. He had a stroke and died after a few days. The outpouring of grief and remembrance was evident on his Facebook page. I was shocked when I heard the news disbelieving he was dead because of his outsized personality and larger than life to many people in Thailand,  China, Philippines, India and other places where he set up the logistics network. 

He never faltered in his career and everyone knew his contribution to the company. In retrospect, I am reading the book 'The Greatest Trade Ever'  about the big short on the housing market that made a small group of contrarian very wealthy. These people were thought to be over the hill, in the twilight of their career , personalities that did not fit the prevailing ethos of the current workplace they were in. Instead, believing in their own genius and went on toward their lonely path, eventually to greatness.

I am not like my my old friend, instead similarly to those people in the big short who listend to the beat of their own distant drums. I am an outsider who is never comfortable as squad lead, who did not like to be in the spotlight of being a leader. I think  I did have my moments but I always felt awkward. Looking back at my notes, I did mention that I prefer to act alone as a project manager rather than a scrum master.In fact I did apply for the post of project manager but due to a screw up (in my point of view) was shifted into this position which I just waltzed into, thinking my current skills will see me through.

It did not help that I was not given the training so  I did the best I could and the stupid management team clueless as well went to the clumsy attempts to try to improve me or convince me to go to another post. In the end, like a good soldier, I moved to the the post that I had originally applied for, accepting the responsibility or blame that my immediate management did not have the courage or decency to accept the judgement of being in the chain of command. I feel like one of those characters in the book looking for their place in the sun. 

I miss my old friend with the certainity of his convictions and the courage of his beliefs to move ahead to get things done no mattter the consequences. So I lurk in the shadows improving my mind through meditation, to keep my wits and sanity as I transition into this role, attending remote seminars on project management, learning new skils in building a second brain, reflecting and working on new projects as I try to get unstuck. In fact, it is not as bad as I make it seem as I have many supporters and friends and the company is kind. It is not a bad world afterall.