Year of the Rabbit

2023 is my year which portends good fortune. Yesterday was not one of those as I had a painful toothache, fumbling at a meeting that could have been a disaster, and some late responses to seemingly urgent chat requests. Throbbing pain in my tooth clearly took me off my stride with relief only coming today after 2 or 3 days of pain during a week of intense work of sprint demo, sprint planning, backlog refinement, and budget re-forecasting. Several other events kept springing up and I managed to complete most in a good way.

I worry about everything: the tasks I feel I should do, my relationship with my workmates and my friend, and my immediate manager. My suspicious mind keeps churning out nightmare scenarios despite my daily attempts at Tai Chi and meditation to silence the mind. The environment is also not conducive to smooth work such as 'hoteling' which requires me to book a desk every time I go to the office. This situation will soon be a thing of the past, just like the pandemic, when we will have our own cubicles.

In the management meeting on Friday, there was a moment when my manager was revealed not to have shared important information with me; an attitude that I have noticed for a while now. I just don't know if it is deliberate to make me look bad, or due to anger ( being friends) to my often acerbic attitude and criticism, or just plain honest forgetfulness. I fear that it is the first 2 reasons: deliberately not sharing information due to insecurity in providing me an advantage and also payback to my constant criticism.

I admit that I am a prickly person due to my age, self-righteousness, and feeling of superiority that I bring this reaction upon myself. I am the crusty old curmudgeon, a relic of the past just like the venerable Tom Keene in Bloomberg. But there is too much work to do now that our squad had increased by 3 people last month, bringing up the total to 12 members. I am growing in this role and took time to attend training courses on 'AGILE' methodology which I did not have last year. 

Hence, the feeling of ill will and suspicion, that I am being set up to fail, the resentment that I am not being supported. But this is getting to be the same old story like a broken record that keeps repeating itself. I have to get on with work and move on. Perhaps my horoscope portends good tidings as the stars are aligned my way to increase my chances of success. Finally, I do feel I am a new person after overcoming the challenges of last year.