Year of the Rabbit

2023 is my year which portends good fortune. Yesterday was not one of those as I had a painful toothache, fumbling at a meeting that could have been a disaster, and some late responses to seemingly urgent chat requests. Throbbing pain in my tooth clearly took me off my stride with relief only coming today after 2 or 3 days of pain during a week of intense work of sprint demo, sprint planning, backlog refinement, and budget re-forecasting. Several other events kept springing up and I managed to complete most in a good way.

I worry about everything: the tasks I feel I should do, my relationship with my workmates and my friend, and my immediate manager. My suspicious mind keeps churning out nightmare scenarios despite my daily attempts at Tai Chi and meditation to silence the mind. The environment is also not conducive to smooth work such as 'hoteling' which requires me to book a desk every time I go to the office. This situation will soon be a thing of the past, just like the pandemic, when we will have our own cubicles.

In the management meeting on Friday, there was a moment when my manager was revealed not to have shared important information with me; an attitude that I have noticed for a while now. I just don't know if it is deliberate to make me look bad, or due to anger ( being friends) to my often acerbic attitude and criticism, or just plain honest forgetfulness. I fear that it is the first 2 reasons: deliberately not sharing information due to insecurity in providing me an advantage and also payback to my constant criticism.

I admit that I am a prickly person due to my age, self-righteousness, and feeling of superiority that I bring this reaction upon myself. I am the crusty old curmudgeon, a relic of the past just like the venerable Tom Keene in Bloomberg. But there is too much work to do now that our squad had increased by 3 people last month, bringing up the total to 12 members. I am growing in this role and took time to attend training courses on 'AGILE' methodology which I did not have last year. 

Hence, the feeling of ill will and suspicion, that I am being set up to fail, the resentment that I am not being supported. But this is getting to be the same old story like a broken record that keeps repeating itself. I have to get on with work and move on. Perhaps my horoscope portends good tidings as the stars are aligned my way to increase my chances of success. Finally, I do feel I am a new person after overcoming the challenges of last year.

Leaving the Tunnel

Crossed a major milestone this week with the completion of several PRTs or problem reports in test. A hotshot young business leader helped pushed the team over the finish line with 2 weeks left before the end of the month. Daily meetings back to back with teams in India, France, and USA with management well represented. Initially I said that daily meetings are not required considering the many daily meetings already scheduled and the stress it would cause. I was wrong considering the success of the team before Thanksgiving holidays.

Nevertheless, some squad members experienced stress with body aches and flu symptoms, lack of sleep, emotional stress with one team member sobbing over the phone. A few resources are relatively new , young and fresh from college and I spent a few one on one meetings to get them over perceived slights. There were some complaints from the business which I tried to smooth over to keep these fragile souls to keep moving to the next day's challenge. All have proven to be resilient and capable.

Frankly, I have reached my own limit, losing interest and control; allowing the young hot shot to lead after I spent many months leading my squad. In fact, the deadline was an artificial goal since the whole project is delayed for 6 months with go live moved to mid 2023. The world wide project team has also seen good members leave the project due to unnecessary stress. I think these artificial goals is an attempt by the global leader to compensate for the delay.

Under this backdrop of stress, I lead several small projects with their own inidividual challenges. The squad is undergoing it's own growing pains and adjustment as our new members merge into the squad. I have 10 members that I lead into a cohesive team. My co leader (in the business) and I underwent a retrospective with our Agile coach to exchange ideas and plan the next steps. It is a period of soul searching and humbleness in my part.

The situation is really not as bad as it seems and I have started some intiatives such as leading dedicated work groups to solve certain problems. I have a role to play that is not flashy and showy as I would think. I see the boredom and humdrum days ahead and I try different tools to make the work interesting. Nevertheless, there are major challenges with the overflow of problems and information that new tehcniques like building a better brain will help. There is light at the end of the tunnel after all.   

Foregerock Mess

I got dragged into a project that affected the apps in our domain. Company-wide move from one system to another is causing disruptions in a few systems. A fix was rushed last week but this did not seem to have fixed the issue. The workaround was to do a partial roll back by poting back to the old system so these apps can continue to work until a permanent fix is found.

This company-wide change and its impact on operations pulled a key resource from my project, a young Indian programmer - Arun - who is here for a few months. He hails from Bangalore India though he is initially from Hyderabad - a place known for its biryani. I had lunch with him and a young trainee in a restaurant in Woodruff known for its biryani. I miss this kind of lunch outing with young people for easy and spontaneous conversations.

Arun is also a key contributor to the French project which has been a challenge mainly because of the young team from India which takes more time to learn and ramp up. Sometimes it takes a long meeting to get things moving. A young graduate from Pune is learning the new system and I got resources to help mentor her on the tool she is using. She is keen to learn despite the challenges she faces and also the treatment of older Indian colleagues who denigrate her because she is female. Nevertheless, she has proven herself to be resilient with a good spunky attitude.

Next week the business project leader from France will be here for 4 days for onsite meetings. She is the second person from France who is coming locally to 'help' the local team in the project. I encouraged this type of interaction to get the French people to commit to themselves; to get skin in the game to ward our success locally; instead, of snipping from afar whenever our tasks are delayed. Nevertheless, it is always good to get people from France for socialising and team building.

Regulated Stress

I attended a retirement party at the office this afternoon. My colleaugue worked for 32 years with the company. I worked with her a few times; she has a irreverent quality that comes from someone who lived in California and experienced travel to Canada and France for work. She is a competent and knoledgebale person who people enjoyed working with due to her no nonsense approach.

I worked with the company for 27 years so far and the people I talked with during the event had 34 or 32 years of service though they were some who had less. I recall jokes that retirees often wondered what happened to their life as time went by quickly without their realizing it. But noone regretted spending more time in the office. I remeber a former coleague who retired several years ago who often invited me to fish but I refused as I feared being away from the office that I might missed doing an important task.

The fear of being fired was foremost in my mind; being afraid of what other people might think if I did not measure up. What an idiotic though I realize now. I have been going to therapy for some time now and these sessions helped me become aware of my incorrect thinking ways; causing me stress and anxiety when it was not really called for. We had nice cup cakes and the conversation was good; with each of us talking about retirement and counting the days or years left.

Early in the day, I had an early meeting to talk about the work units or user stories that our team needed to work on in our coming sprint. Now that the company is organized into Agile teams, which is the new way of working on projects where office work is broken into small segments of units that are completed during a 3 to 4 week sprint. Recently, I have been made squad leader who is responsible for Agile squad in our domain.

I am transitioning into this role which require a lot of planning, meetings and other 'executive' type of work which is different from my usual problem solving mode, to get rid of fires;  seat of the pants type of challenge. One has to step back and look at the long view and think about each individual as well as the overall welfare of the squad; to keep the unit up and running for each sprint. A much different way as compared to the work done in the past several years.

Agile Transformed

The boom has finally come. After dillydallying for several months, nay years, judgement day has come to pass and I walked right into it despite the signs. I should have left long ago, moving to another department with a new position, instead I lingered too long until the company made the decision for me. Announced publicly in front of an audience, while I stayed home, joining the meeting remotely to spare the embarrassment. But I wanted to go to work when I got up yesterday morning, but the weather was bad and I did not like to face the music. At least until Monday when I go to work.

I knew it was coming, the demotion but I just sauntered along with my performance slowly descending into mediocrity; overwhelmed with work. In a way, I should be glad because I still have a job plus I get to work in a role that is less stressful than my previous one.  All I need to do is grin and bear it. That will show them, grace under pressure; the devil may care attitude. I will show my character by being gracious and a good sport. The month has been stressful for me for sure, after my wife's operation which was deadlier especially with the cancer. Finally, my demotion or transformation as the month ended.

Perhaps there is a silver lining somewhere. The choice is to stay and bear the humiliation, though one must not see it that way; rather the inevitable evolution of older workers as they fade into the sunset, heading into retirement. Another is to move to another platform with the same position; not the anxiety of the project manager, but more an analyst role. I  am a mechanic; the crafty old Frenchmen said long ago; accurately seeing my skills for what they are. At least I lasted for about 5 years in the manager's role despite the angst and wear and tear of my psyche.

It is all for the best whatever choice I make because I was crumbling in my job; slowly disintegrating with my lack of passion and conscientiousness. I had to be kicked out to get the message. Loud and clear. Now begins the long road into a new job which should fit right in with the remaining years of my career. The last hurrah of my diminished state; perhaps one final though modest blaze of glory before I go. It already feels like a renewal; a semblance of something new, with sprouts of eagerness and freshness as a move ahead toward a new horizon.