At the airport at 7am

I am waiting for my flight which will be boarding soon. Last night my sister was at my home. She is here on business and will be departing tomorrow. I invited my cousin over for dinner. We had chili crabs, stingray, chicken, almond cake and chocolate Rocco cake. I had brandy before dinner and made me less sociable. I did not have enough time to talk to my guests because I was thinking about my trip. I was in a rush to complete many things before my departure.

I rushed to read my books so I can return them to the library, watched 2 DVD movies, went roller blading and swimming in the afternoon. In consequence, I was not able to go to mass because I went to the library to borrow my next set of books. So when my guests arrived I was a bit tired from all these rush of things. I realize that pressure and stress sometime come from your own self. It is this perceived idea that I keep on doing this things. Setting an imaginary goal to achieve by reading many books and watching movies and exercising. To keep me up to date.

In fact I was doing 2 things at the same time. Watching DVD movies while blogging and mind mapping. I did not provide quality time in watching the movies. Both were good movies and I did not have the proper attention. Instead it was divided to my other activities. Why did I borrow these films when I knew I would not be able to watch them with proper attention? I felt like being a glutton which is a sin in the old days. I just wanted to feel the achievement of having borrowed these notable films and being able to say I watched them even though from the periphery.

It's all internally set goals that prevent me on focusing on my true priorities. For example, my priority yesterday should have been with my sister who was here on a visit. I should have shown the proper respect and attention. To talk about how things where back home. But instead my mind was filled with many trivial thoughts and goals. This is really my problem. I seem to lose the correct perspective on things and insist on my own point of view. I should take my attention away from books and look at the real situation on hand.

In China, based on the article I read yesterday, students get elected in their school elections if they show self criticism. I think that is a good way to do self reflection. I guess blogging and talking about myself in this way helps to reflect about my problems. Self-criticism I think had it's roots in Mao's communist movement. I think it's the only way to manage a huge country by asking it's citizens to reflect on their personal flaws. To know thyself is the first step as mentioned by the Greeks and the Chinese 'Art of War'. I guess that is also the goal on why I write here. To better myself.

Blogging as an exercise

I still cannot write my novel but I now know why. Instead I blog to keep practicing my skill in writing and self expression. Still not enough to be a novelist. I just finished reading the book 'Write' and I plan to use the tools and tricks like letting my left and write brain communicate with each other. A strange theory but maybe worth trying. Lately, the books that I have been reading is not about the art of writing but more on the psychological side. This maybe more important than the craft of writing. If one has a good 'sense of self' or 'mature psychology' then mastering the craft of writing is easier.

My flight to China is at 8am tomorrow. I am reading an old National Geographic issue which features China. A good and easy way to keep in touch of developments in the country. It's really a modern country now like Singapore and no longer a communist state. I watched the film version of Ernest Hemingway's 'The Sun Also Rises.' I think it is a good adaptation of the book. By it's own merits, I think it is a classic film with good performances by Tyrone Power, Ava Gardner and Errol Flynn. It captures the mood of Paris, France and Pamplona, Spain in a distinctive era after World War I.

I am starting to feel a slight regret about my mail sent out last Thursday asking about the overseas offer. It shows that I think too much - a person who worries too much. This is a bad habit of mine to always regret something that I have done despite devoting some thought on the act. I hope to get a reply next week when I am in China. It will be an interesting time next week with out the business project leader. It's a pity that she could not go. It will be much colder and I think me and my colleague will have a fun though challenging time.

I believe that the act of maturity is to think less. I always feel nervous when faced with people who are more relaxed and in control of their temperament. My difficulty or perceived difficulty in life is my emotional nature. This is what is actually preventing me from being a novelist. My right brain is too active and I should let my left brain provide more control. The book provides some interesting tools like meditation, yoga and other such tricks to allow me to control my right brain emotions and let my left brain take charge. This will prevent me from taking the flight approach (instead of the fight or write approach). Perhaps I persist in focusing on my right emotional brain by doing things like blogging and letting my emotions run wild. But it is also by journal writing that I keep control of my temperament by writing it all out.

Strange that I now have this perspective of analysing my left and right brain and it's in relation to my progress as a novelist. First it was the focus on my relationships and immersions into creativity. Now it is the left and right brain, inner dialogue and the writing process as a project. A lot of theories to help me understand the work that needs to be done. But I realize all these are helpful and I hope to internalize it and when I do, I think it will be an effortless activity. It is like any other skill that I try to acquire this year like playing the guitar, roller-blading and public speaking.

Off to China

I spend to much time in meetings these days. Meetings about new procedures, about problems, about new tools and what have you. Almost all the managers spend their time in meetings. Now I know why things don't get done. I always read about wasting time in meetings and I now realize why although maybe useful if done well. I guess that is how executives in the top rungs like to spend their time at their level. For me, I always like to get my hand's dirty and be an operations guy. But as one grows old, I guess one cannot help it but 'progress' into meeting mode.

I realize there is a special skill needed in meetings. One should have good communication ability and a take charge attitude. I think I can like participating in these meetings. The trick is to find the loop hole or gap and charge in. It's like looking for the enemy's weakness and going into the gap and exploiting the weakness. The weapons are verbal thrusts and parry to defeat the enemy through words and clever maneuver. Often time, when one runs out of tactics, the person makes up by raising his voice, creating a scene and repeating the other mistakes in an attempt to cover his empty armory. But this is a game that one should inevitably master.

I will be leaving for China on Sunday. The business project leader will be unable to make it due to the closure of the Bangkok airports. I hope the airports open soon so she can participate. It's a nightmare that this situation is unfolding in Thailand. It's really chaos and the rule of the mob. Democracy in all it's implications and responsibilities have not really seeped in I think like in most Asian countries. The principles of Jeffersonian democracy requires a rare maturity. Only the USA seems to have achieved this goal. But I suspect some hidden hand possibly due to royal politics coming to a head in anticipation of the departure of the revered king.

Last night, I wrote to my overseas controllers asking about news. A reply will come much later due to their holidays. I feel that I should keep the communication going; showing a positive, eager and enthusiastic side. I can't help but feel that I am like a beggar requesting for some scraps of food. But sometimes I am at the other extreme; thinking that they should exert more effort to try and woo me. But as usual I think to much. I can't help it because it's a dream that is coming true and I can't help feeling that one will always be disappointed in life. I realize though that going there will really be that start of a pleasant struggle because life is not as easy as compared here. But I now know that life can really be simple and easy where one can achieve one's dreams as long as one can control his passions and urges.

Economic Crisis

Now that I have a firm offer to transfer overseas, the economic crisis comes along to mess things up. Like most companies, a memo has been issued that some production slow downs are planned as well as technical lay offs in Europe and USA. I begin to fear that my prospects for transfer will be imperiled. It's a fear only without corroboration from personnel. I plan to write to them and raise the question. But I think it will not be cancelled but only delayed due to the retirement of a lot of employees. I just wonder if the government will be amenable to hire foreign talents despite the unemployment problem.

But I think the economic crises due to a slow down in housing and consumption can be fixed by a significant increase in immigration. Opening the borders will allow new immigrants with money to come and start spending. The backlog of houses can be cleared once immigration is relaxed. Perhaps a political issue but nevertheless a possible solution to the crises. Let the world's hungry and desperate masses come to the new world and solve it's problem. It's been done before many times and will make the economy more diverse and strong I think.

I think that the boss's man project will also need people and I can work there in case my transfer is delayed. I am still working on my project which is still proceeding at least until the end of next year. I will be leaving for China next week to start the training. We will be preassured in the coming months with the deployment. We are quite busy and I think it will take a lot of time. It's only now working with outsource agents that I now understand the new procedures. It's all about documentation and I am going deeper into the use of the PPM tool. I hope that I get to use all these new knowledge and experience in my overseas assignment.

I am keen to go to China and meet my team mate from head office. The last time we met was in Thailand where we deployed the application. It was a fun time and we enjoyed ourselves buying some 'fake' goods. I hope to finish reading all the books that I borrowed though I know that I will bring some with me. I am listening to Perez-Reverte's excellent book 'The Painter of Battles'. I feel he is at the cutting edge of novelists; creating a new genre of books that speak about painting, war, photography and European history. It's a mix that is unique and exhilarating like no one has ever combined this heady mixture before.

Writing as a Process

I mind mapped the book 'Write' which I already read in the past. A lot of interesting techniques particularly in using the left and right side of the brain. It's an interesting book that provides some tricks depending on the state of your brain. It also has some interesting insights on the nervous system. The author calls it the 'write or flight' response. During my past attempts I always go to the 'flight' response. I did not know how to handle those moments of anxiety due to the pressure to write the novel.

The book describes writing as a process rather that a product. So one should not focus on the product which is a novel or book but in the process of writing. There are many stages of writing which one can focus on such as pre-writing, writing, gathering notes, revising, etc. I always seem to focus on the writing part and that's what gives me stress. So if I am not really 'writing' or creating sentences than I don't feel like I am working. But in fact gathering notes, researching, pre-writing and revising are also part of the 'writing process'. So I don't need to be actually 'writing sentences' to be a writer. The lesson is to be an expert in the process and not only on the 'writing' task.

There are a lot of tables, questions, to do lists and templates in the book. I thought it looked like a book of tricks to me like a parlor game and not a serious guide on writing. But then I found myself unable to write the novel like Hemingway in perhaps the so-called 'classic' way. I find that there are lots of tricks and techniques that one should master in order to complete a writing project. Hence, completing a book does not just involve the core task of writing. It involves a whole range of tools, techniques and mind-sets to get the job done. The best description is a 'writing project' instead of writing a book because 'writing' is not just the task needed.

The mind map provides me with an easy summary or reference to get the lessons and tips right away. I think it will be useful because there are so many moods that one feels during the course of the day that one should apply the appropriate tool depending on the situation. Mind map is a good tool for referencing the different writing tricks. Determining the right writing tool to use is also the difficult part. But first one should get used to the idea that writing is a process before one does the actual crafting of sentences.

Initialy the only writing objective is to complete a SFD or 'shitty first draft' without concern on the quality.

Writing for Healing

These days are again very hectic. The project office has scheduled a crash course on our PPM tool. Actually a refresher course but too much information I think to absorb in a short 2 day session. I could not attend both days full time due to the work I need to do for my projects. I was only able to attend a few hours today. I got into an argument with the project office head because he insisted that we resolve all the data quality issues in the coming 2 weeks. Everyone is rushing to complete their projects as the year ends and project office is rushing to improve the data quality of the PPM tool which is his project.

This afternoon I had a phone conference with the IBM team on my project. The project head is a former colleague who has transferred to IBM. I am glad to work with her because at least we understand each other. The team is quite new and I am not happy with the response as I think it's quite slow. Nevertheless, I think that I need to be patient because I have to establish a good rapport with the team. I hope to have access to the environment because it will be helpful to resolve problems in the future. But under the new rules only IBM has access. So this will be a problem and user satisfaction will suffer if we don't have access.

The only way is to establish a close rapport via interpersonal interaction. This is the way it's done in the Europe office and I hope to establish the same in the local zone. I am not happy with the way we are required to follow the new rules. I always have diffculty adjusting to new procedures or new bosses. But the resentment is not as strong as before. I think I have mellowed down and controlled my impulses. The trick is to keep cool and focus on the activity at hand. I always lose my focus and attention due to the distractions that I allow myself to indulge in. It's the same thing with my writing when I cannot focus on the task at hand.

I borrowed a book again called 'Write. 10 Days to Overcome Writer's Block. Period.' I borrowed it before but thought otherwise when I reserved the book online. I was looking for another book about writing and the title caught my attention. In fact it's a good book but I did not appreciate it when I first read it in the past. Now after my reflections and recent reading on writing, I now appreciate the lessons it's trying to impart. Like the previous book on writing that I have just finished, the author is a PhD. A psychologist and writer who can talk about different sides of writing.

The author also spoke about writing as a therapeutic activity. She mentioned books with titles like 'The Writing Cure' or 'Writing to Heal'. I remember that in my first journal I wrote the following title 'My Therapeutic Diary' where I recognized the healing effect of journal writing. I realized only now that the medical profession has recognized this effect of journal writing. So I have been journal writing for many years to cure my stress and heal myself of traumas. Hence, it's a good activity for self transformation and self knowledge. Since I have been doing it for many years, the impact was not really to improve my writing skills but to reduce stress. I now wonder if I have been living a stressful life or is it just me.

Now the challenge is to move from a writing experience derived from a stressful existence and self-understanding to a more formalized writing process. The main activity is self-expression and I should use this core benefit to move towards being a novelist. So I write for therapy and not as a novelist. So I write to heal instead of writing for profit. So the motivation is really different for both instances. So perhaps that is why I flounder when writing a novel. There is no therapeutic effect; no release because it feels like work. Hence, there is no feeling of exhilaration. So this is the challenge for me when I try to be a novelist to find that feeling of exhilaration derived not from therapy but from a pure expression.

Milestone Meeting

We passed the milestone meeting for the China project this afternoon. I attended the meeting with my regional CIO in his office. The attendees where people from Thailand and China (specifically from Shanghai and Laioning office). After the meeting, I updated my CIO on the offer to work overseas. It was a nice chat and he suggested some tips. I told him my challenges on the transfer and he offered some advice. He was very supportive and he offered to help if I need it. It was a nice conversation and I appreciated the gesture. He is actually a nice person and I had a lot of preconceptions about him. I guess that's the problem of second-guessing.

Before the milestone meeting, I had a pre-audit session with the head of the project office in the morning. I also briefed the CIO prior to the milestone meeting during the same time. Both went well and a good practice for the actual meeting. I spoke a lot to explain the details and a good way to inform and publicize the progress of the project. I felt that these type of sessions are not useful but I should not knock it because verbal communication serves a very subtle process. Certain activities are beyond my sight and may be initiated because of these discussions. It was a bit intense with the meeting with the project office. But I like the guy as he's just doing his work.

I will be in China next week for the training. I will be with my close colleague from France who is helping me in this project. He is a good guy and I would not have survived without his help. It will be an interesting week and will play a large role in the training. Like today's activities, it will be successful despite my worries. I had a lot of doubts and thoughts on my mind about the meeting today but realized most of these doubts are unfounded. It's the constant thinking that will distort the logical progression of ideas. I never learn and persist in thinking to much.

The weekend was eventful: meeting my cousin, going to 'baptismal' party, roller-blading, guitar lessons and watching 2 DVD movies and reading books. I did not have a chance to swim on Sunday because it was raining. I had too much to read and watch movies that I did not have a chance to write. There is a burning desire for me to write but I don't seem to have the time or the strong urge or motivation. Sometimes I think that my age will ultimately prevent me from writing any books. The decline of memory and purpose will eventually do me in.

On this subject, I read a short article from the Oprah website. It says that being distracted is in fact a loss of focus and attention. The mind as it ages cannot focus on the thing at hand because of the myriad distracting activities that divert one's attention. I agree but I realize that to allow oneself to be distracted is a conscious act. Hence, being diverted is a form of procrastination but for creative tasks is in fact a 'disengagement from immersion' as one is not truly ready. So I guess I have to continue reading about being a novelist to learn the techniques. This is the lesson of my procrastination I think.

Strange Days

John Lennon composed an elegant song I think called 'Strange Days.' It reflects the feeling I have these days. News are filled with dark tidings: about recession, bankruptcies, economic slumps and factory closures. Yesterday I went to a party for my golfing buddy's young son. I met my old office mates and a few talked about the economic situation. One mentioned that the German company she works for will close 80 plants all over the world. Also an IMF economist mentioned that the worse is still to come. Strangely I don't feel the sense of collapse in my situation.

Of course, I am still working but the sense of doom has not permeated my company. In my dark moments, I feel that it may affect my chances for the overseas transfer. But I also think that the situation is overblown. I just read an article about Citigroup a few moments ago. The stock price has tumbled to about USD $3. But in fact the article says that the bank has billions in cash, a stable business and enough capital to tide them over any huge losses. But it was the market sentiment that is affecting the stock price. In other words, the stock price does not reflect the reality.

So theory is turned on it's head. If the stock market does not reflect the underlying value of the company, what does? It's like the right sense is fighting against the side of illusion that is buttressed by old theories that used to be relevant long ago. Now the whole game has changed. Strangely I feel optimistic and think that things will work out fine. I have great faith in the ability of the USA to resolve global problems. Now that the leadership has passed to a person who is himself a unique and strange and uplifting individual. Perhaps his unique or strange make up is the answer to today's great and unusual problems.

Last night my cousin came to the house with his young son. We drank brandy and talked about life. We watched a photo show of our reunions back home. It was great to be reminiscing about the past happy times with relatives. Both our dads have resolved their problems and are now talking together. I hope that it will turn out right. It's great to have these moments when people from back home visit. I am afraid that we won't have these moment again if ever we move to my new assignment. But I guess I will be seeing my brother there if we do move. Life is all about movements and adaptations.

Botanical Garden

Our company had a fun event yesterday afternoon at the Botanical Garden. It was a fun afternoon and our team won the top prize. It was a very tiring afternoon but it was good fun to run around the gardens and play games. A pleasant afternoon which ended with a buffet dinner at a nearby hotel. Afterward, we met up with an old friend at Starbucks and had a fun time talking and telling stories about the day's events. We finished at about 11pm. We hope to plan a regular get together like dinner on Fridays to keep in touch. Soon some of us will be leaving the company and moving to new assignments.

The Botanical Garden was created by the British in the mid 1800's. It was awarded as the best urban jungle in South East Asia by Time magazine in 2008. It emphasizes the good benefits of the British Empire. A first hand glimpse of this aspect after reading Niall Ferguson's 'Empire' and Somerset Maugham's 'Casuarina Tree'. I also just finished the anti-globalization book 'Game as Old as Empire.' A good counter argument against globalization which was started by the British Empire theorized in Ferguson's book. I just finished this book this morning while roller-blading in the park near my home. Actually, this is what motivates me to exercise in the morning; to listen to the audio books I borrow from the library.

Last night in the buffet I enjoyed the oysters with hot sauce and lime, Japanese udon noodles, oxtail and champagne. I got a lot of other things but did not enjoy them. I had a lot of food in the buffet table while talking to the project leader in Thailand on my cell phone. I did not get a chance to think about the food and kept filling my plate. In the end, I could not finish it and ask the waiter to take it away. I always take too much food which I force myself to eat. I sat beside the project office quality head and enjoyed our conversation. She told many amusing stories of her job in Australia and everyone in the table was laughing. We compared our stories about the local culture and realized that we all come from outside the country.

I think that is the common thread of our associations with our friends in the office. Generally, most of our close groups are with 'outsiders',i.e. not native born. I also noticed that the topic of the conversation is always the same -> about the local culture. It's fun to compare our different cultures and talk about the adjustments needed to adapt to the local milieu. It's the ties that bind the foreign talents that come and work here. It's always the talk of adjustment and adaptation. But last night after dinner, the discussion was more on retirement.

With the company changes, talk was about returning back to our home country and living the simple life. Most talk of starting a simple business and living a simple life of farming or starting a simple computer business. I can't help but think of my new assignment as well. The change will be different and the challenge will be of adapting to the new culture again. I did not explain to my friends that I felt the need for a change. It's like realizing after so many years that my personality does not fit the local milieu. Something like a divorce when you realize that after many years, you realize that you married a stranger.

This brings to mind the stories of Somerset Maugham. The stories of British expatriates or colonial administrators living in the Malay archipelago, about fragile marriages in the jungle, about adapting to the local culture and keeping the English tradition alive. I guess this is globalization at work, telling the story about the front lines where British people are governing the uncivilized masses. I guess the Malay Federation was a lesser version of British India. With lesser challenges and more friendlier people. I think it's this understanding that I will be bringing with me when I depart the place. Maybe a very similar feeling that Lord Chris Patten felt when he left Hong Kong as the last British Governor. He was interviewed at CNN the other night and a real life supplement to the books on the British.

Outsource Go Live

We have now moved to the outsource support. I cannot just walkover to the infrastructure team to have something done. Mainly becuase they are no longer there or soon transfer to the outsource company. I have to raise a ticket and request for service. So I have to log into the intranet site and record all the request and problems that I receive. I am also doing a knowledge transfer from the team in India. So it has now begun and I feel that we are moving into an impersonal world like in George Orwell's book. I feel that the new structures are absurd with the many levels of approval and review.

I wonder how this would improve and simplify work. Looks like creating more layers of bureaucracy and people who have no business on the infrastructure and implementation side now have their fingers in the pie. I wonder what will happen to my request logged somewhere in cyber space. Will it be really reviewed by the approving committee. It's now all about committees and processes. Long gone are the days where rapport and meeting and discussing with colleagues are gone. Everything is now replaced with faceless efficiency and impersonal procedures. I guess that's progress for you.

I have just finished reading Niall Ferguson's 'Empire' . It tells of how the British Empire help establish globalization. The final passages talk about how the mantle of global imperialism and leadership has been transferred to USA. The author has been labeled a neo-imperialist following the footsteps of Rudyard Kipling or the American neo-conservatives like Rumsfield or Cheney. But he is a good writer and I like his ideas. The hero of this group seems to be Winston Churchill with his sweeping imperialist tendencies to lead and save the British empire. I like to read his works as well and his writing skills, visionary and strategic abilities and, should I say his resistance to tyranny are his saving grace.

I am also reading Somerset Maugham, a writer that I did not appreciate in the past. Now I understand his milieu and I love his works especially on the life of British expatriates in the colonies. It is a fitting work to read and enjoy before one departs the islands and goes to the new world. All these seem to echo the voyage in my life as I prepare for my new posting. I have increased my input of books because I can just listen to them via the audio books from the library instead of reading them and ruining my eyesight. Now I get to enjoy a book when I walk to the train station, exercise or riding the bus home.

I reserve my reading and eyesight on really important books, picture books and manuals on how to write if no audio books exists. I have increased my capacity but I have also used up a lot of my spare time. Like being in a candy store, I have opened the doors and have borrowed too much books, movies and music CDs. I know that if I leave this place I will not have the excellent facilities offered in the libraries. The library system here is probably the best in the world. This is one of the things I will really miss if I leave here so that is why I am in a mad rush to borrow everything that I can in my last few months in the island.

Early Morning Epiphany

I woke up in the early morning with a sudden realization. I have been interested on Obama's campaign and have read his two books, monitored the US election as well as read other books and newspaper commentaries on American politics. I knew that he had a unique message and story and liked the way he spoke. But his oratorical gifts did not exactly portray the full victory of his campaign. It was only after reading his campaign manager's famous PowerPoint presentation about the Democrat's primary campaign and Xplane graphics on Obama's use of Facebook in getting campaign funding that I had a glimmer of his unique achievement.

There are many firsts in his achievement. Obviously with his being the first African American president is probably the most significant. But it was really the use of the Internet as the tool to get funds and run his campaign that it's really the first significant political victory that was achieved via the Internet. Since it was the US presidential elections that was won that the magnitude of his victory is truly incredible. This fact is overshadowed by the uniqueness of his victory that most people do not see it. So this was my epiphany in early morning that Obama's success can be categorized as a victory of technology similar to Steven Job's IPod or Apple Macintosh or Bill Gates's Microsoft or the rise of Google and web advertising.

So Obama's victory is a victory of technology, particularly the use of social networking. Hence, social networking is the tool of the future and one that people should study. My experiments with blogging, Facebook, LinkedIn, etc. have given me a front seat on this technology and Obama's victory have converged my interest in history, politics and technology. The convergence of these different strands made me realize the uniqueness and specialness of his victory. As he has mentioned, this is the power of the American democratic system that he could achieve the pinnacle of political success in the greatest nation on earth.

Hence, his success I dare say may not have been possible without the clever use of the Internet. If he had travelled the usual way by trying to get delegates, he may not have gotten pass the Clinton challenge. But his unique story and voice gathered the crowds that made possible the use of the Internet and Facebook and social networking. So it was a perfect storm with the confluence of the perfect candidate that could attract independents and swing voters and transcend all the political categories that resulted in a landslide. I guess all this is attributable to his brilliance and effective use of technology that may have swung the difference.

In fact, I am still a Hillary Clinton supporter as I liked her story as well as the brilliance of her husband. But as I said to my wife, Obama is a man of destiny. Fate seemed to have aligned the stars in his favor and the problems faced in the USA may require someone of his story and background and experience.

Standing at the Edge Again

I have just finished reading the book 'Standing at the Water's Edge'. It's a good insightful book. One of the main themes is that one should not force oneself to get into an immersing experience. Also, one should not be harsh on oneself and should accept moments of procrastination as normal moments when one's subconscious is working behind the scenes to solving current creative problems that one is facing. Quite a good advise especially these days when I am in a slump and missing my self imposed deadlines to write. So one should take it easy, relax and take it into one's stride.

I especially like the passages on getting supportive relations to help. The writer has made a link between once creative ability and one's psychological maturity. The sense of self that the writer write about in her book. The psychological maturity is embedded in one's having mature and stable relationships. So it's a good work that focuses on the artists psychological framework. It's something that I never though about deeply in the past. It was more on writing skills and getting more experience for me. I also like the section on crafting which is not really an immersing experience like the act of real writing. I guess this falls under the activities of planning, organizing and re-writing.

In the Appendix, there's a short questionnaire that reader's fill-up to learn more about themselves. I filled it up and learned more about my fantasies, self-perception, fears and support structures. I guess I know myself better plus my struggles to be a writer after reading this book. I plan to read all the books that I can on writing and being a novelist before I move to my new overseas assignment. I hope to complete all my readings so the new environment will be conducive for me to be a writer. There are so many areas that I had missed out of naivete. Now I know better.

Last weekend was good despite some moments of indulgence. I went to my son's school to listen to an overview of parenting teenagers and polytechnic education. A good series of presentation especially from the doctor who spoke about raising kids. We were given a tour of the facilities and I choose to look at the school's film and media facilities. We had lunch at the school as well and I tried to ask about moving my kids overseas but did not get a good reply. I enjoyed the morning session and I have a good idea of the local educational system. After I got back home, I slept in the afternoon and went roller-blading in the park, went to mass and had our usual dinner. I bought wine and borrowed a lot of books from the library.

I slept late but woke up early on Sunday morning. I went to my guitar lessons, sent swimming and watched the latest James Bond movie with the family. Afterward, we had a late lunch after 4pm at the Marriott hotel. I have free vouchers worth $ 200 and spent nearly 70% on a buffet which my kids enjoyed. I hope to go back to consume the rest. I went back home at about 6pm and watched an Argentine movie. My wife went around the shopping district after our late lunch. So not much was spent writing or surfing the Internet during the weekend. But I had a chance to continue listening to Niall Ferguson's great book 'Empire.'

TM Meeting Last Night

Last night I presented my advance speech on conversation. I think it went very well despite feeling uneasy prior to the meeting. My preparations was enough for me to speak well though I did not prepare as much as my past speeches. I guess it's a measure of my improvement in public speaking. During the speech project there was a short role play session and my friend, the club president kindly helped me. During the role play, I thought that I was not doing well because I was not presenting a speech but reacting to another person. Despite some awkward moments, I think the session ended well.

We experimented with a new change from previous practice by trying a group evaluation instead of a single evaluator. I think the experiment went well with every one contributing positively. Two guests attended last night with one from my home country. He lives close by from the community center and I think he was convinced in joining the club. The whole audience gave their feedback on my speech project as part of the group evaluation exercise. They mostly appreciated the handouts. I had precisely prepared the handouts instead of bringing my computer for a visual presentation. My new lap top was just to heavy and I decided that having handouts is a good takeaway for the club members.

I think this is the new strategy that we would like to promote. To have the club experience be a learning one with news letters, group evaluations, blog site and sharing hand outs so our members could learn more from the club. Our club president shared this aspect during his opening and closing speech last night. We had a good meeting and I felt that the members and guests had learned a few things from the meeting last night. From the prepared speeches and group evaluations and sharing of feedback. I think that we now have a better chance in solving our membership problem with these innovations.

I reflected on my Toastmaster experience this morning when I archived my speech and club programme in my folder. I keep the club programs, speeches and project manuals in one large binder. I have been a member for 2.5 years and I have participated in all it's activities. In fact, I have plunged headlong into all its activities: by doing about 20 prepared speeches, 11 evaluations, a handful of table topics, worked as club officer for 1.5 years as VPE and VPM, participated in 4 speech contests, 2 club officer trainings and visited other clubs. I really appreciate the experience and wished I could have joined earlier in my life.

I think this experience plus my blogging have been good for me. It has helped me become more whole and allow me to open myself to others. This is the starting point for building supportive relationships which I never focused on in the past. Building these open and supportive relationships is important if one wants to succeed in one's artistic endeavors (as explained in the book I am reading). I guess it's the missing link in my progress as a writer.

The first step I guess is to open yourself to people. Blogging and public speaking allow you to settle one's internal urges for solitude. I think it also helps to resolve one's neurotic obsessions or tendencies that arise with insularity and aloofness. This feeling of being a 'lone wolf' is not good in the long run. The 'lone creative genius' is in fact a social creature unlike those depicted in movies. At least, there is always someone supporting him in his artistic struggles.

Dis-engagement from Creativity

An interesting concept from the book 'Standing at the Water's Edge' is the idea of dis-engagement (DEG). It's when the artist disengages from creativity or the act of immersion in one's craft. This may be due to the creative blocks, physical or mental constraints or simply when one is busy doing his normal every day tasks. For example in my case where I have a normal job and I don't have the same resources as a full time writer. But it's this idea of immersion that I like and I experience this feeling whenever I am blogging.

I guess when you are expressing yourself through your journal you have focus and concentration that time flies away. I try to look for this feeling when I am formally writing a book. In this mode though it's not actually the act of writing but also planning and organizing and using other writing tools. The creative act of writing a novel is not the same as journal writing because the focus is not on oneself. Hence, dis-associating oneself from the novel's topic does not provide the same form of focus and immersion as being the center of the story as in a journal or blog. So I am dis-engaged (DEG) because I don't have the supporting relationships in place. (DEG due to lack of support).

So writing a novel is a different mind set and time does not fly away as often as in blogging. Not being in the flow and it's the time of doubt. So having a good psychological framework and good relationships with others that support you will be helpful during these periods. So looks like it's not a question of skill or motivation but acquiring the right psychological framework. Surviving the lulls between creative bursts which may come in days, months or, in my case, many years. Incremental improvements may allow you to progress but maybe not in a manner that one appreciates. This is my problem I think. (DEG due to lack of skills).

I guess in work as well I can't seem to immerse myself in my work like I used to. Like in my writing, I get distracted and find myself procrastinating. I guess it is this fear of moving forward that is affecting me as well. I also lack the self-confidence to process in my work as well as in my writing. Following this analogy, I really don't have a good working relationship with my co-workers as compared to in the past. I noticed that I work quite well when I work with people who appreciate the work that I do and care about my well-being. I experienced this only in two projects: with my good friend PB and RA. (DEG due to lack of support and skills).

I think I have done well on these two project working with them. With my current project, I don't seem to get the same support and encouragement. I try to find this relationship by trying to develop closer rapport with my contributors. But it's really not the same. I guess that is the same thing with my writing where I have no supporting relationship at all. I seem to have the writing experience, tools, background and theory but not the supporting relationship. So I don't have the stable psychological framework to proceed confidently with my dreams. (DEG due to lack of support).

So the next step is to try to develop this type of relationship. I guess this goes right to the core of my personality because I never had a good sustaining relationship. I hope I don't repeat this problem with my kids because I think this started in my family with my upbringing. I had never felt close to my parents so this maybe the dysfunction that is affecting my life. But with understanding comes healing and I guess I know what to do. Now I realize the blocks or reasons for dis-engagement to my creativity. The task now is to try to re-solve it. (DEG due to lack of support).

This morning I met with the boss man for the monthly meeting. It went well except for an episode where he castigated me on some figures. He is right of course and joke that I will be fired immediately if I worked overseas. I think he knows about the plan to transfer me overseas. But he is a good guy and I think he wishes me well. Tonight I will be doing my advance speech on conversation though I did not prepare too much. I prepared some handouts which I hope will compensate in case I forget some of my lines. I realize that my public speaking skills is affected by the state of my mind. So having a relaxed and stable mind is a key to good public speaking. (DEG due to psychological support).

Reason to Smile

I evaluated a speech last night at a Toastmaster club meeting near my home. The club had a good attendance and the facilities where old but distinguished a(s compared to my club which was recently built). It had an old world feel as the community center is at least 20-15 years old. There were attendees from India, Philippines, Indonesia, Europe and USA. The speeches were good especially from a DTM who was a past governor who gave a special speech on discipline. I felt a bit intimidated as the group seem to be distinguished.

So to bolster my courage I wrote done the clubs where I gave a speech evaluation. I counted about 8 clubs outside my home club. It gave me confidence because I did more than 8 evaluations if I count those that I did in my home club. I did my evaluation quite fast and there where moments where I could not find the right words. I had a lot of pause fillers as well. But I managed to give a good and relevant speech as I found a way to gently criticize an otherwise, near perfect speech. It was done by a genial and appealing person who writes a blog called 'Reasons for a Smile'. His speech was entertaining and had a good lesson on solving disagreements. The objective was to use body gestures which he did well.

I also met 2 ladies from my home country. Both are young teachers and have recently moved here. The club president encouraged them to join as they work together at the same school. I left after the program though I was invited for coffee. I needed to work on my speech for our club meeting on Thursday. I did not have a chance to write but I was able to read the articles I downloaded on the subject of conversing with ease. I like going to the club last night and it allowed me to see a different perspective. I think I can learn a lot by visiting clubs instead of just sticking with my own. I get to practice my evaluation skills more often.

I am finishing the book 'Standing on the Water's Edge.' An interesting book due to the psychological insights it provides to writers. I hope I can apply the guides in my struggles. I also finished reading a book about Queen Isabela. An amazing story where one could see that life is really more exciting that fiction. I am also reading a picture book on the castles of Great Britain. It helps me visualize the scenes from the book. Queen Isabella is one of those history books that I love to read with historical drama and adventure. I am now listening to an audio book called 'Empire' by an accomplished Oxford historian.

Writer's Psychology

It seems that successful writers have a well-integrated personality. From the book, 'Standing At The Water's Edge', the writer should have a well-adjusted psychological framework that includes healthy relationship with other people. The important supportive relationships include the following types:

- mirror relationship
- hero relationship
- twin relationship

Each of these relationship support the creative task of artists. These significant relationships allow the artist to immerse themselves into creative acts. In fact these environment takes care of the psychological needs of the artist. This aspect is important and will supposedly help resolve blocks, procrastination and delays. It is as important aspect as the person's skills as a writer or other such artistic ability.

It's a deep and insightful book from an author who is a therapist and a PhD on this subject. So I guess she knows what she is talking about. In fact, she also shares the challenges she faces as a writer when writing the book I am reading. So looking at the lessons I have learned so far are:

- writer's techniques such as planning and organizing
- using tools like the snowflake method and new novelist
- using tools like mind mapping and spread sheets
- understanding the psychological needs of creative people
- applying relationship guidelines to support creative immersions

These are all aspects I have never thought about but learning at a fast rate these days. New knowledge settles slowly and I am glad that I am understanding these aspects now. I don't know when I can start applying these lessons. But I realize that I really don't give myself time to work as a writer despite my so-called priority. Last night I borrowed 4 movies, 1 music CD and 3 audio books. I took advantage of the current library promotion to double the normal borrowing limit during the school holidays. All these audio visual materials I have to return in 2 weeks. So my weekends and free time will be busy.

So these distractions are the real problem. I cannot seem to control my mind to focus. I downloaded an article on this subject a few weeks back but had no chance to read it. From a brief look, I think it's related to age caused by the onslaught of today's technology - tv, internet, etc. I think the article provides some tips to solve these problems. So after learning all these new tools and techniques I am back to square one -> the mind's tendency to distraction. Perhaps I should practice meditation more to control my mind. Maybe yoga is the answer! Something I can try on the weekend as well!

Standing at the Water's Edge

I am reading a book by Anne Paris about the creative process. Interesting perspective as addresses the psychological blocks that prevent artists from working. She is a psychologist who seem to specialize on artists who have problems expressing themselves. These problems are procrastination, diversions, writer's blocks,etc. Anything that prevents artists from doing their work. According to the author, procrastination and other such things that prevent writers from writing is quite normal. In fact, it is during these acts of procrastination that the artist is actually creating.

Good timing for me to read this book. Procrastination shows that one is actually not ready for the so-called immersing act of creativity. There are blocks that prevent the artist from getting into the immersed state. The author provides may ways to be ready for getting immersed into creativity. Principally, the solution lies in one's relationship to others. I agree using my example. I feel that I am living a double life by trying to be writer. I am keeping all the challenges to myself and I should really bring in my family into my efforts. The idea is to allow them to encourage me, so I can also discuss my issue in the act of creation or writing.

Also, getting immersed into writing will not be difficult because my family will know what I am doing. These days, without them knowing what I am doing, my wife and kids think that I am just surfing the Internet. I feel that to write I should go away from the house, to the library or the park so I can concentrate and work. But this should not be the solution because it does not solve the root problem. So there is no acceptance form my immediate family, in fact it is a hidden act, treated with shame. This is the root problem. Instead, it should be handled with pride with everyone supporting in the act. Oftentimes, it is my friends who I can tell of my aspirations.

These insight from the book allow me to understand the challenges The author treats it like a psychological problem instead of an issue of skill or motivation. An interesting book which give some ideas on how to overcome procrastination and writer's block. Most artist see a therapist to reach this understanding and some writer's even suggest to see a therapist to help unblock creativity. I am glad I can read this book without paying a shrink. I now realize the other factors that affect artists and it's not only the skills and motivation. So the book has come at the right time for me. It prevents me from blaming myself again which I usually do.

There is really so much that I still don't know. The love of books and reading and writing is really not enough. There is a wider area that still needs to be considered to be a successful writer. Other areas like the psychological preparation, planning and organization of writing is the areas I have not focused on. Is it too late? I always think that my age will prevent me from being what I want to be. In fact I start to feel the ravages of my age, maybe not physically but more on the mental side if I am not careful. But then again it's more the alignment of my thinking process that's changing with my new experiences and knowledge. Wow, that a lot of bull!

Outsourcing Support

IBM is taking over our support operations in the coming days. So I have been busy attending a lot of trainings on the new operations. I think we will have problems because the new processes are a bit cumbersome. I think I may have under estimated the problems. It's only now that I realize the problems. I can no longer rely on my current suppliers who have access to the servers. I think I need to work fast and try to think of a work around. I think I am in a mess if things do not turn out right. Now it's going to be a big challenge with more work involved.

While attending a seminar remotely, I read the news stories of the US election. Obama is quite an extraordinary and inspiring person. I hope he can really solve the current problems facing the USA because of the repercussionst to the world. Personally, I have suffered a lot in my stock market investments and I hope his election will give some confidence on the markets. Obama, I think has the right combination of temperament and skill needed in this particular point in history. His books, speeches and oratory are quite extraordinary.

The overseas offer is now firming up. I got an email the other day giving me an update. Now there is a real chance to transfer. I am grateful but I know the actual move will take place maybe 3-6 months down the road. Quite far away but can move very swiftly. I still have a lot of things to do especially with my ongoing projects. Now I find that there is less time left with the deadline coming in. Wow I am starting to grow old with the realization of all these responsibilities. But change is in the air, in the election, in the USA, everywhere in the world. Soon in my life as well.

Back from Vacation

I was away from the office for about a week. It was fun to be away. I spent most of the time surfing the net, listening to audio books, watching movies, going to art exhibits, roller blading, biking, swimming, playing golf and reading my e-mails. I had planned to prepare my writing work by completing my reading on 'The Successful Novelist'. But I could not finish the book and did little preparation in terms of working on the plot and characters. I wanted to be ready for the Nanowrimo event this November but I did not feel motivated enough.

Instead it was more a routine of scheduling time for me to respond to my emails because I was afraid I would miss something at work. A few events where I was needed to be involved to resolve a few issues in Thailand and China. Not serious issues but enough to cause some problems if not handled properly. I am still thinking about my pending transfer overseas and planning alternatives. I research the Internet and sent out a few mails on the subject to my overseas 'coordinators' and to my overall boss in China to keep him in the loop. Both mails have had no reply yet.

I watched 2 French movies last Saturday which I could have spent better by writing. Instead I focuses on blogging and yesterday, after a game of golf, I wrote an article for our club newsletter. Writing yes but not the form that I wanted to do. In the evening, we were visited by my cousins and aunt who were visiting. It was a fun evening and we had a nice time telling stories and having conversation. A lot of activities but not the correct ones during the week. I think I am still not settled in my mind about the mental challenges of being a novelist. I think my mind is preparing myself to acquire this mindset after reading about the writer's life in the books that I plan to be reading.

In fact, it seems more like a mental game without the passion. But I guess the passion will come once one gets into the groove of writing. It is just a re-channelling of the mental focus from blogging and journal writing to crafting a story which requires more analysis, planning and organization. It cannot be the unstructured, stream of consciousness type that occurs in blogging. Of course, this method can be utilized in a story but in the mind of a character. So perhaps the challenge is to remove or disassociate oneself from the characters mind and allow it to assume it's own existence.

But I realize as well that writing is really the gift of expressing and this is the skill that blogging does cultivate. My problem is that I am also settling issues within my self such as clarifying my thoughts and organizing my mind by journal writing. I think this is the activity that I enjoy and writing is just a means to achieve it. On the other hand, writing a novel is the end goal of a novelist with planning, organization and creativity are the means to achieving it. In fact I should spend less time thinking and more of writing. The key I think is to follow the structure already proposed in tools like the New Novelist.