Home Alone

I arrived home at about 8pm last night to a empty house. I passed the library to borrow the William Faulkner audio book - a collection of his short stories. I returned Somerset Maugham's audio book this morning. The styles of both writers are very different. When I try to compare Salman Rushdie's work with both these writers, I have the impression that Salman is more flash and less substance. He is the lesser amongst the three writers but his flashiness do have echoes of greatness. Somerset's novels has a more mature and deeper work. A true classic. But compared to William Faulkner, I think Somerset is a lesser writer.

William Faulkner has a more singular, creative and unique voice from my impression. No doubt Somerset is a great and classic writer but he seems more a workman, a craftsman of writing. It is his subject that makes his works great and no doubt his body of work enriches literature. But Faulkner's work seem to be made of a more higher state, with the voice of a true artist. He speaks of the American South together with Tennessee William's work. They both provide a rich picture although I know Tennessee William's work more from the movies made from his plays starring Marlon Brando. Faulkner is a more difficult work to understand but the construction of his novels is at a more elegant and sophisticated level.

Tonight I have a meeting from 7 to 9 pm in the evening with the support team from Europe. Yesterday I had a meeting with the regional team in Asia. The news from my projects is the reduction of budget. We will deploy to only a few plants in Asia next year. I also had a meeting about the budget with the new guy from project office. I had a loud discussion with him. I often have difficult sessions with him and I sometime think that he is talking down on me. I often have a difficult time talking with the locals. Maybe it's a different perspective which the locals have or I have to improve my communication skills. I admit I have some problem in that department but I think I work hard to try to explain myself clearly.

Now the end game is being played with my impending departure. I started writing this blog about 2 years ago to relive my stress in the coming changes in my life. The picture is clearer today regarding my fate. It was a fate that I would not have thought possible 2 years ago. It is really amazing how things often turn out. But the endgame is also a difficult phase. I expect a lot of obstacles and challenges. I feel more energized these days than previous weeks or months now that my future is known. I think the journey I started with the writing of this blog, searching for work in the Internet job sites, Toastmaster, project management certification and guitar lessons have made me a different person.

As I read about novel writing, the plot or story is about change or transformation of the characters. If there is no change, then there is no story. I often ask myself if there has been a change these past year. I think the change for me will be more physical when I transfer into a new location. I hope the journey would have prepared me for the new challenge. So the story is not yet over for me but only a beginning. I think the transformation for me is to have reached a saturation point - a point where I have revisited my previous haunts, a different and perhaps older person. I think I have aged in my current job where I get to experience my changed perspective when I revisited Thailand and China again and again in my projects.

Regarding my voyage as a writer, I realized so little I have known. My consciousness and perspective is changing as well from the naive dilettante to a more worldly maturity. My writing skills still needs to evolve from self-expression to a more focused and clinical objectivity. Perhaps it is more a move away from self-centeredness. At this point in time, I think I would need to rise above from my indolence and focus more on practical areas. I think now is the time where I will have less time to read but more time for action. Sometimes I feel that this job is like moving to a retirement home but in fact it will be a challenging place where there is no time for naivete but for hard earned experience.

Blogging as an exercise

I still cannot write my novel but I now know why. Instead I blog to keep practicing my skill in writing and self expression. Still not enough to be a novelist. I just finished reading the book 'Write' and I plan to use the tools and tricks like letting my left and write brain communicate with each other. A strange theory but maybe worth trying. Lately, the books that I have been reading is not about the art of writing but more on the psychological side. This maybe more important than the craft of writing. If one has a good 'sense of self' or 'mature psychology' then mastering the craft of writing is easier.

My flight to China is at 8am tomorrow. I am reading an old National Geographic issue which features China. A good and easy way to keep in touch of developments in the country. It's really a modern country now like Singapore and no longer a communist state. I watched the film version of Ernest Hemingway's 'The Sun Also Rises.' I think it is a good adaptation of the book. By it's own merits, I think it is a classic film with good performances by Tyrone Power, Ava Gardner and Errol Flynn. It captures the mood of Paris, France and Pamplona, Spain in a distinctive era after World War I.

I am starting to feel a slight regret about my mail sent out last Thursday asking about the overseas offer. It shows that I think too much - a person who worries too much. This is a bad habit of mine to always regret something that I have done despite devoting some thought on the act. I hope to get a reply next week when I am in China. It will be an interesting time next week with out the business project leader. It's a pity that she could not go. It will be much colder and I think me and my colleague will have a fun though challenging time.

I believe that the act of maturity is to think less. I always feel nervous when faced with people who are more relaxed and in control of their temperament. My difficulty or perceived difficulty in life is my emotional nature. This is what is actually preventing me from being a novelist. My right brain is too active and I should let my left brain provide more control. The book provides some interesting tools like meditation, yoga and other such tricks to allow me to control my right brain emotions and let my left brain take charge. This will prevent me from taking the flight approach (instead of the fight or write approach). Perhaps I persist in focusing on my right emotional brain by doing things like blogging and letting my emotions run wild. But it is also by journal writing that I keep control of my temperament by writing it all out.

Strange that I now have this perspective of analysing my left and right brain and it's in relation to my progress as a novelist. First it was the focus on my relationships and immersions into creativity. Now it is the left and right brain, inner dialogue and the writing process as a project. A lot of theories to help me understand the work that needs to be done. But I realize all these are helpful and I hope to internalize it and when I do, I think it will be an effortless activity. It is like any other skill that I try to acquire this year like playing the guitar, roller-blading and public speaking.

Standing at the Water's Edge

I am reading a book by Anne Paris about the creative process. Interesting perspective as addresses the psychological blocks that prevent artists from working. She is a psychologist who seem to specialize on artists who have problems expressing themselves. These problems are procrastination, diversions, writer's blocks,etc. Anything that prevents artists from doing their work. According to the author, procrastination and other such things that prevent writers from writing is quite normal. In fact, it is during these acts of procrastination that the artist is actually creating.

Good timing for me to read this book. Procrastination shows that one is actually not ready for the so-called immersing act of creativity. There are blocks that prevent the artist from getting into the immersed state. The author provides may ways to be ready for getting immersed into creativity. Principally, the solution lies in one's relationship to others. I agree using my example. I feel that I am living a double life by trying to be writer. I am keeping all the challenges to myself and I should really bring in my family into my efforts. The idea is to allow them to encourage me, so I can also discuss my issue in the act of creation or writing.

Also, getting immersed into writing will not be difficult because my family will know what I am doing. These days, without them knowing what I am doing, my wife and kids think that I am just surfing the Internet. I feel that to write I should go away from the house, to the library or the park so I can concentrate and work. But this should not be the solution because it does not solve the root problem. So there is no acceptance form my immediate family, in fact it is a hidden act, treated with shame. This is the root problem. Instead, it should be handled with pride with everyone supporting in the act. Oftentimes, it is my friends who I can tell of my aspirations.

These insight from the book allow me to understand the challenges The author treats it like a psychological problem instead of an issue of skill or motivation. An interesting book which give some ideas on how to overcome procrastination and writer's block. Most artist see a therapist to reach this understanding and some writer's even suggest to see a therapist to help unblock creativity. I am glad I can read this book without paying a shrink. I now realize the other factors that affect artists and it's not only the skills and motivation. So the book has come at the right time for me. It prevents me from blaming myself again which I usually do.

There is really so much that I still don't know. The love of books and reading and writing is really not enough. There is a wider area that still needs to be considered to be a successful writer. Other areas like the psychological preparation, planning and organization of writing is the areas I have not focused on. Is it too late? I always think that my age will prevent me from being what I want to be. In fact I start to feel the ravages of my age, maybe not physically but more on the mental side if I am not careful. But then again it's more the alignment of my thinking process that's changing with my new experiences and knowledge. Wow, that a lot of bull!