An interesting concept from the book 'Standing at the Water's Edge' is the idea of dis-engagement (DEG). It's when the artist disengages from creativity or the act of immersion in one's craft. This may be due to the creative blocks, physical or mental constraints or simply when one is busy doing his normal every day tasks. For example in my case where I have a normal job and I don't have the same resources as a full time writer. But it's this idea of immersion that I like and I experience this feeling whenever I am blogging.
I guess when you are expressing yourself through your journal you have focus and concentration that time flies away. I try to look for this feeling when I am formally writing a book. In this mode though it's not actually the act of writing but also planning and organizing and using other writing tools. The creative act of writing a novel is not the same as journal writing because the focus is not on oneself. Hence, dis-associating oneself from the novel's topic does not provide the same form of focus and immersion as being the center of the story as in a journal or blog. So I am dis-engaged (DEG) because I don't have the supporting relationships in place. (DEG due to lack of support).
So writing a novel is a different mind set and time does not fly away as often as in blogging. Not being in the flow and it's the time of doubt. So having a good psychological framework and good relationships with others that support you will be helpful during these periods. So looks like it's not a question of skill or motivation but acquiring the right psychological framework. Surviving the lulls between creative bursts which may come in days, months or, in my case, many years. Incremental improvements may allow you to progress but maybe not in a manner that one appreciates. This is my problem I think. (DEG due to lack of skills).
I guess in work as well I can't seem to immerse myself in my work like I used to. Like in my writing, I get distracted and find myself procrastinating. I guess it is this fear of moving forward that is affecting me as well. I also lack the self-confidence to process in my work as well as in my writing. Following this analogy, I really don't have a good working relationship with my co-workers as compared to in the past. I noticed that I work quite well when I work with people who appreciate the work that I do and care about my well-being. I experienced this only in two projects: with my good friend PB and RA. (DEG due to lack of support and skills).
I think I have done well on these two project working with them. With my current project, I don't seem to get the same support and encouragement. I try to find this relationship by trying to develop closer rapport with my contributors. But it's really not the same. I guess that is the same thing with my writing where I have no supporting relationship at all. I seem to have the writing experience, tools, background and theory but not the supporting relationship. So I don't have the stable psychological framework to proceed confidently with my dreams. (DEG due to lack of support).
So the next step is to try to develop this type of relationship. I guess this goes right to the core of my personality because I never had a good sustaining relationship. I hope I don't repeat this problem with my kids because I think this started in my family with my upbringing. I had never felt close to my parents so this maybe the dysfunction that is affecting my life. But with understanding comes healing and I guess I know what to do. Now I realize the blocks or reasons for dis-engagement to my creativity. The task now is to try to re-solve it. (DEG due to lack of support).
This morning I met with the boss man for the monthly meeting. It went well except for an episode where he castigated me on some figures. He is right of course and joke that I will be fired immediately if I worked overseas. I think he knows about the plan to transfer me overseas. But he is a good guy and I think he wishes me well. Tonight I will be doing my advance speech on conversation though I did not prepare too much. I prepared some handouts which I hope will compensate in case I forget some of my lines. I realize that my public speaking skills is affected by the state of my mind. So having a relaxed and stable mind is a key to good public speaking. (DEG due to psychological support).