Thursday, May 7, 2009

Wednesday Blues

I was depressed and tired most of the day at the office. I was not able to sleep well and woke up at about 4am this morning. Last night after dinner, I thought about the things that may happen if worst comes to worst, exploring all the possible scenarios that may occur in my mind. I smoked a cheap cigar while deep in thought. Strangely I did not feel anxious mainly because America is a place of hope and one can have faith in man's better nature here. But then again sometimes the worst can come out of it. I slept relatively early after doing exercises, cooking and journal writing. Most days I get to bed a little after midnight and wake up at 6:30 am.

But I woke up very early in the morning feeling anxious like I used to in Singapore. I tried my breathing exercises and started to think good thoughts to control my mind. Eventually I got my PDA and started doing some calculation on my current cash position, to know how much I can convert to cash and pay the mortgage. My mind started going into overdrive and glad the flat has not yet been sold yet in case I am shipped out. On the other hand, I am also hoping that the house can be sold soon so I can use the money to pay off the down payment on the mortgage. I also thought about my wife and her difficulty back home.

After dinner last night, I called Singapore and spoke to my wife but she was not feeling well. I spoke to my son about the fight last Saturday of Manny Pacquio and Manchester United defeat of Arsenal. How I miss them and wish that I do not burden my wife too much. I have started to think now that coming here maybe a wrong decision. Back then it made perfect sense but after feeling the loneliness and stress, I wonder if it's really worth it. So I tried to imagine the good life with my kids well adapted and enjoying themselves, my wife working and myself successful in my projects. The good life within grasp after going over these difficulties.

Moving to another country is really a difficult exercise. I feel all sorts of pressure especially about mixing with the local people. My boss is a strange mix - sometimes he involves me and sometimes he forgets. We had a meeting at 9:30 am this morning and I tried to find him. I guess he is busy and he can't keep guiding me. I guess I am a spare tire to him these days and after the meeting where I did not contribute much, he rushed off to another meeting. So I was left to do the document he assigned me to do. The work is actually not possible to do yet as it's still early in the game. Sometime he reminds me of myself and my tendency to manage things 'at the seat of the pants' style. But I think he is worst than me though he is a much more assured and confident man.

I can't help but feel that I am not really wanted here. I have the feeling that some of the folks resent people being posted from overseas. But it's my imagination again working overtime. My paranoia and vindictive self feels like lashing out to everyone. I guess it is the stress of being away from my family, my wife not feeling well, problems with the government document, buying a new home, working on a new project, adapting to new a culture and people and so on. Sometimes I feel that it is more lonely here in this country despite the hope and optimism shown in television and the cheery disposition of the people. The climate of clear skies, fresh wind and sun uplifts the spirit perhaps superficially.

But it was raining today and the weather was depressing. It contributed to my down feeling with my concern for my wife. I sent her a text message hoping to cheer her up last night and I got no reply. I guess she is not in a mood to reply romantically. I just hope it will lift her spirits. She is now sharing our flat with our friends who moved in because their flat is being renovated. I had hoped that it would reduce her loneliness but I guess it may also prevent her from sleeping well. I cannot do anything from here and just to call and hope for the best. I have another worry with my sons who need to adapt to the education system here and acquire new skills like driving and meet new friends.

I felt that my luck has run out today with the depressing mood. My boss left for his vacation after lunch and I was alone in my desk trying to work. I was falling asleep because I felt tired. I was expecting to go to the agency to explain the problem. But I guess the government maybe investigating more or they just process the request to avoid additional paper work. I suddenly had images of the government calling the office and finding out all about me. Suddenly I will be called to personnel to explain and maybe asked to resign. Maybe all my colleagues at work will laugh and feel glad that I will leave. I can't help but feel like Nixon in his ranting during the Watergate scandal. I guess stress can do that to you and flip your mind.

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