Friday, May 8, 2009

Sleepless Night

I could not sleep again last night. I kept getting up and walking around. I tried to listen to music and was able to drift to a short nap. I think I was able to catch some rest though my mind thinks that I was wide awake the whole night. But I think I was able to restore some energy as compared to yesterday. Actually after dinner wherein my son and I cooked spaghetti, I slumped to sleep while watching TV. We were suppose to study the driving rules together but I felt tired and went to bed at about 9pm. But I awoke at about 11:30 pm and could not get back to a good sleep again.

I was thinking about my fate as I awaited the government document. I was thinking about all sorts of scenarios again although there where moments of lucidity where I was calm. But it was not enough to let me sleep. I keep awaking after dozing off. It was like being at war where falling asleep would be fatal when the enemy attacks. I did not have the panic attacks but an anxiety that I was able to control by reasoning out. So I lay in bed thinking, dozing, waking, walking around. I called my wife at about 2am which was the afternoon in Singapore. She was feeling better as she visited the doctor and was prescribed antibiotics.

I also spoke to my son and wished that both of them be here right away. The conversation was good for me because my wife is now feeling better. I like this early morning talks where we could get to speak in the darkness. I went to the office at about 8am. I had a relatively good day in the office: writing emails to initiate a backup request, writing the report I need to make, making phone calls to the accountant to discuss my taxes and talking to the loan processor from Illinois. I learned more about taxes and also my loan seems to be moving along in a positive note. So my home purchase looks like it is headed to a successful conclusion. But again my fear was always in the background.

I have had no word from the agency for 3 days. It would seemed that they have let go of the issue as something not to spend time on or worst a more in depth investigation is taking place. But I realize that I am such an insignificant small fish to warrant that much attention. I was able to function well, talking to the Indian expert, coordinating the backup via email and having a brief conversation with the architect. I also sent out a lot of mail reading the context diagram. But in the afternoon, my mind felt drowsy and I could not continue writing. So I spent most of the afternoon reading about new concepts in logistics. There are so many new things to learn in this field.

I feel very lonely and alienated here and I realized that life here is very ordered and boring when compared to Singapore. I miss the lunches with my friends eating all sorts of food. These days I make a ham and cheese sandwich most mornings and I eat the sandwich at my desk during lunch time. It's a pathetic sight compared to my previous life. I am getting to understand the newness of the place and the way of life here. The people are great in fact and I get to talk to them more. But there is a certain aloofness as well, which is a way of life where conservatism and God-fearing rules. But its a great way of life so that's why I felt like going to retirement when I decided to come here. This is why I fear the worst outcome because it will result in shame and disgrace in this environment.

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