Wife's Birthday

It's my wife birthday today in Singapore. In Eastern Standard Time in the USA, the date is still a few hours away. Officially it will be tomorrow. It's now a holiday here so I spent most of the morning talking to my relatives in the Philippines and my wife and son in Singapore. I used the telephone and the Internet via MSN Messenger and Skype. We were holding three way conversation between Singapore, Philippines and USA. It's amazing how technology could bring us together. Of course, it was a bit difficult because it was near midnight in Asia while it was midday noon in South Carolina.

I could not speak at length with my wife because she is still feel weak from her stay in the hospital. I called my good friend in Singapore and we agreed that it's best to have someone fly over from the Philippines to Singapore to watch over her. So I called my mom, my sister in law and brother in law and discussed the various options. It was decided that my sister in law would move forward her visit to Singapore to around the 5th of June. So it will be only about 2 weeks more before my wife will have company. I hope she has the strength to be strong until her sister arrives. Otherwise, it will be a disaster.  I think I may have to fly over there myself to keep her company.

But I organized a schedule where my son would log in MSN Messenger every morning before he goes to school and early evening once he is back and finished studying. My sister in law and brother in law (who is a doctor), myself and my son will call in and have a video phone talk with her so we can see her and try to lift her spirits. I guess it is the stress of moving, the lack of company and the self-pity that is dampening her spirits. I even think that she may be in a depression without her realizing it. My brother in law told me that it is normal for her to be weak after all the medication she has received and also as a result from recuperating from the fevers.  I guess I am overreacting again to the situation.

I am glad that the Internet could help in this situation as we were able to organize an action plan while conversing on the Internet video conference tool. It would be useful to bring us closer and help her recover faster. The most difficult thing is to have good mental health to overcome these difficulties. I guess I have to try and help in the selling of the flat from here. I have to take a lot of responsibility from here and also ask my younger son to help out. I guess these experiences will help us become closer and I appreciate that my kids are responsive and actively helping but I am afraid that I may be pushing them. I wonder what are the thoughts in my wife's mind and I need to speak to my friend to find out what had transpired last Friday.

I think it is easier for me because I can write all my feeling down so I can handle my stress. My wife keeps everything inside which may be making the situation more difficult. I am afraid that the situation may be worse unless she unburdens herself. Sometimes I think that her mind loops into negativity. Now I think that I have to be the strong optimistic type and it's a role that I have to play to keep thing together until my wife gets her strength back. This is one of the difficulties of moving that I never anticipated. I think I have to ask the company and find out how we can help her. I will arrange with our personnel to have the airlines know about her medical situation so they can take better care of her.

Memorial Day Weekend

Yesterday my son and I drove to Charlotte, North Carolina. We went to the history museum a few miles from the city of Charlotte. It was a nice museum with well preserved colonial houses at the back. But we were not able to arrive on time to take the tour. After looking at the museum exhibits, we went out back and looked at the preserved houses but could not go in. The houses where situated in hill with lots of trees and you had to walk a trail to get to it. The set-up gives a good feeling of the way of life in colonial times, about 1770's. The museums here are good, with actual re-creation of houses, videos, computer simulations, dioramas and artifacts that greatly simplify the story. It's a very effective way to help visitors understand history in about 1-2 hours.

Afterwards, we drove to the city and went to Freedom park. We drove through elegant tree-lined streets with colonial houses before finding the park. The park had a lake and we walked around the lake before going to the city center. The main street was closed off for the memorial day celebration. There where a lot of people walking around. We found a parking lot and paid $ 8 for parking. There were food stands lining both sides of the streets, beer and margarita stalls, some commercial stalls selling cable TV services, car racing tickets and other stuff. There where also play centers where kids could come and jump around. There was a band playing at the center of the street. It was a nice city and we learned that Charlotte is the 2nd largest financial center in the country.

We drove back at past 7 pm and reached our home past 9pm. We went to the grocery store to shop. It was a nice day that started with my going to the gym and exercising. I like these weekend trips to the nearby cities and going to museums to learn about the history of the place. I think the American South is a much more interesting place than any other region in the country. I plan to visit the interesting places like Charleston, Savannah, Atlanta and New Orleans. These places is right in the center of American history especially on the Civil War and the fight for racial equality. It also has episodes in the American fight for Independence as well as the clashes with the Indian nation.  So it's a great place to be in order to learn about the history of the country.

I am reading Ambeth Ocampo's history books on Andres Bonifacio and his lectures on Jose Rizal. He is a great writer in that he can capture the past and express it in a way that people can easily understand. I always like to read about Philippine history every time I go to a new place. When I went to New Delhi, India, I read the biography of Antonio Luna. Now that I am here in the US, I am re-reading about Jose Rizal. Maybe it's my way to stay grounded in that I can learn about my past while learning a new culture.  I do not like to neglect my heritage every time time I am studying a new culture. I guess it's also a time for me to catch up on my reading while I wait from my application to the local library.

I also spend some time looking at the videos in the Internet. I find Anthony Robbin's videos in You Tube inspiring. These days it's the best way to learn by looking at videos rather than buying or borrowing books. I am glad that the past months in Singapore were spent listening to audio books to keep me updated and sharpen my hearing cognition. It helps me listen more and understand that nuances in speech and culture here in the South. I always hear that people have a certain way of speaking here in the South and I agree so one has to listen closely to the conversation. This morning I watched a good movie staring Tommy Lee Jones called 'In the Electric Mist.'  It's from a book by James Lee Burke.

The movie is a story about a series of murders in Louisiana and the sheriff trying to solve the case. I think I will try to borrow more movies about the South so I can learn more about the local culture. The area is full of history and I will waste a good opportunity if I do not learn about it while here. I started thinking about a series of novels that links the people and events here in the South with the Philippine revolution. I think there are parallels in that both these places where occupied by a conquering army. Both places also had combatants fighting for there own vision of independence. In both situations, the dream ended in defeat and subjugation. But in the end, both places have risen above this tragedy and live anew. I think there is an opportunity to write a series of novels on this theme.

Difficult Time

I learned yesterday that my wife needs surgery for her liver. She has hemangioma of the liver. It not a life threatening illness though the doctor recommends the surgery which seems to be a simple operation. Earlier my wife had fever for several weeks and turned out her autoimmune system was attacking her anti-bodies. They gave her the right antibiotics and she is now fine. The doctors think that her liver illness may have triggered her autoimmune system which caused the fever. She is now feeling better and the hospital will release her next week.

I was worried as I could not help her being far away. I could not even talk to her when she was in the hospital. Now she is much better and she calls everyday in the morning. I am glad she is better now and I think when she comes over in June, her health will be better once the family is together again. I suspect the move overseas and the transport of our stuff may have stressed her. My boss said that change is always difficult and I agree as people’s health is the factors that will help them overcome the stress of change.

The closing date for my house purchase is next Tuesday. It’s actually my wife’s birthday on that date and I hope we can complete the transaction. It will be a good gift for her. Yesterday, the loan processor called me and gave me the result of the appraisal. It’s about $ 3K lower than the selling price. According to the appraiser, the property is in a declining market and the loan appraiser advised to renegotiate the selling price. I called my property agent and told her about the report. I don’t think I can bring down the price so I will move forward with the loan.

Despite the result of the report, I think it will be better to complete the sale. It fits my needs, budget and goals. Maybe I will sell it in a few years and move to a bigger house – possibly a semi-detached house. I want to have a bit of stability when my wife and younger son come over. We don’t need to look around and spend time moving again. My sons need to adjust quickly, learn to drive, enroll in their new school and adapt to the new learning environment. A permanent home will be good to provide some stability. I hope it will also help my wife have a good rest from her illness.

The schedule is a bit tight because I have to move out of my apartment by the end of the month. So I have to complete the sale, ensure water, power, phone and Internet connection, buy a fridge, washing machine and dryer. I also called the shipping company to prepare for the transfer of my stuff to my new house. So it will be busy in the coming weeks. Yesterday, I also visited the government agency. It seems that the problem has been solved and I can have my document in 2 weeks. So it was a bittersweet day -yesterday with a lot of things happening.

But it’s different here. Despite all these challenges I am not as stressed as I would have been. I seem to have more control and I can sleep better. I guess I have gone over my initial fears. Now I hope my family can adjust as well. It will take some time but I am confident that it will happen. I am encouraged by my high school friend who has moved to Canada 20 years ago. We got in touch together again after he found me in Face book. I meet my old friends now in Face book or by other means in the Internet. It’s amazing that the Internet and social networking can help old friends meet again.

Driving to Columbia

We drove to Columbia - the capital of South Carolina. It was raining on the way and it took us about an hour and a half. It was a good drive and the car performed well. We went to the Museum of Art, Finley Park and the State House. It was an enjoyable drive and we listened to the best hits of 'Tears for Fears.' My first memory of driving in the US was in California and I remembered that it was a good evening and I was thrilled being there and the radio was playing the hit 'Everybody Wants to Rule the World.' It seems like deja vu and now I am with my son as I was with my father at that time long ago.

The last 2 days of the week was very productive. The outsource agent was here for a day and a half and we spent a lot of time explaining the situation. I think everybody is now ready to begin. On Thursday we drove to the Laurens warehouse. It was my second time there so I am now familiar with the way there. This gave me confidence to drive to Columbia. The capital city is more expansive then Greenville and it has a more confident feel. The State House is magnificent and it gave the city a feeling of grandeur. Everywhere there were echoes of the Civil War and It made me appreciate the place more.

But I was not feeling great because my wife is in the hospital for check up. I feel guilty leaving her there alone with my youngest son. But it was a decision we both made. Now I feel helpless and hope she will get better right away. I did not feel like being morose all day, just sitting around in the house watching television, so I decided to drive to Columbia with my son. I think he needs to spend more time outside of the house because he is cooped up all week in his room and spends most of his time in the Internet and watching television. I know I should step-up my role and talk to him and guide him for his future.

I finished watching the movie'Pride and Glory'. It about corrupt cops and it's really about the family. There are always parallels about family and the relationships between fathers and sons. I can't escape the irony of my situation now where I am suffering from a decision I made more than twenty years ago with my father. Now I hope that my son will not regret the I decision I made to move here twenty years into the future. Can I say I had no choice? I think I have made the best decision that I could make faced with the cards in my hands. Someday I hope that these experiences will make him a better and stronger person.

I talked to my youngest son this morning and told him to take care of his mother. He is in a difficult situation and I am glad that my friends are there to keep him company. This experience will make him more responsible and I hope I can call him often so I can guide him and make him aware that he is not alone. It's difficult to have a family separated by the Pacific Ocean and facing challenges that need response in order to move forward. In this situation, one has no choice but have faith on others and to a higher reason, to God. It is what makes you sane in this world.

My boss told me that attending the meeting and absorbing all the information is like drinking from a fire hose. He is right and I am not only absorbing a lot of data but I have to respond in the appropriate fashion. Learning about the way of life here, about the culture in the office, about the work and project that needs to be done, to prepare for the family to complete it's move and to help the kids assimilate and enroll in their new school is a tall order for anyone. I think I am rushing things like I usually do and I should stop and relax and silence my mind. This will allow one to think better. But trying to do all these things in a month is really a tough job.

Visit to Laurens Warehouse

We went to the warehouse this afternoon with the outsource agent. They flew into South Carolina this morning. Two of them flew in from Cleveland, Ohio while the other flew in from Boston. We will be meeting them tomorrow and discuss the details. I think we will be moving forward faster now than before. The project has a few nuances because the application supplied by the outsource company have to interface into the new system AND the legacy system that will be replaced in a few years. So it will be tricky project to do. Most of the people in the room have met a few times already and I am the new kid in the block.

It was a good day and I attended my first team meeting. It was with my boss and the rest of the team members. My boss asked me to introduce myself and I told them about my life in the company and the projects that I used to do. I think my boss liked it and asked the other members if they could share stories about themselves in the next meetings. I think it is a good idea to create rapport in the group. I think there will be a lot of challenges in the coming months and working together will be key to making the project work. In the meeting this afternoon, there was a moment when my boss was saying something about driving the project and I am not sure if he was sending out a signal.

I did not feel excited because it is a very straightforward project. I am just getting used to the way people work here. I see that democracy is a living breathing experience and not an abstract concept. It permeates everything here in the way people work and relate to each other. My experience in Asia is more authoritarian. Here every body's opinion counts and everyone is given his time to talk and people listen and judge the merits of the argument. A decision is made after all the views are weighed in. For me it is a different way of working and I have to get used to it in order to succeed in my projects.

My wife just called and said she is seeing a specialist in the hospital. She has not been well for the past 3 weeks. The fact that we are not together is putting pressure on her as well. I think the separation is affecting her health. I hope she becomes better. She needs to sleep and take a rest but I think that moving here to this new place is affecting her in more ways than she can understand. I think she will be better when we are here together as a family. I think I am lucky with my family compared to most people; talking to one of the outsource agents in the car this afternoon for example, I found out that they have foster children because they don't have any kids.

The meeting with the government agency went well. The staff processed m application after I expressed remorse. I hope it will turn out like these for the rest of my stay. I cannot seem to enjoy myself here and be at ease with this sword hanging over my head. It's like I am a criminal and one day my secret will be exposed and I will be disgraced. Everyone in the office will loath me and shun me like the plague. Anyway that is my fear although I learned to handle these challenges in different streams so that I will not be paralyzed by my fears. There are too many things running at the same time that one can lose focus.

The Agency Call

The day started with a call from Asia about my former project. There was an issue that could not be solved. After discussing the problem via chat and phone, the issue was fixed. It made me anxious that they would call me in the early morning though actually the problem was just fixed by re-starting a server. It just needed calmness and common sense. The real issue is personnel. The person I was training for the past 2 months has left the company. It's a difficult situation over there since the transition is still ongoing. I am glad the issue was resolved and I had a chance to chat with the support lady from India. She is fun to work with and she will play a key role now that the person I trained is gone.

We had a meeting in the morning and it went well. I did not participate too much and left after the meeting. Most of the team members stayed including my boss but I felt that I did not need to stay and there was a momentary awkwardness that I think I handled well by leaving. Sometimes I think that some people think that I will take away work from them after arriving here. After the meeting, I struggled for most of the day trying to complete the document I was working on since last week. I finally was able to finish a draft by the end of the day. I spoke to my boss and told him to review the document and he was in good spirits. He apologized for not spending a lot of time with me but I understand as he has been away on vacation.

I also worked on the house loan papers. I got a call from the loan processor and she sent me some documents to sign. We reviewed it together on the phone and I signed everything. I faxed them back from their local office in the building. She is kind and vivacious lady from Illinois. It looks like the processing is moving along as expected. The appraiser will also visit the property this week and his report is the major milestone to complete the loan process. I also wrote to the tax accountant to ask her about capital gains tax. I told her that I may be able to sell my flat and she gave me some advise. It will be a welcome event if the flat gets sold because it will help in the expenses.

Finally, the government agency called me and requested I come to the office. I was dreading the call and was wishfully thinking that all is well. I guess it took them a week to investigate the situation and now they are ready to question me. I guess I will try to pretend ignorance and see what they are going to say. I will then try to explain my situation and my dire need to get the documents. I have uprooted my family and brought them over here to live and this will be the only obstacle. I guess they are within their rights to deny me and I think they will say so upfront to try to make me admit my guilt. My only hope is to pretend ignorance if they have all the facts.

I will only admit that it was a long time ago and that I have forgotten it already. Of course this explanation does not absolve me of the guilt. But I will explain that it was a long time ago and that I was a different person then and I am now a family man and deeply regret what has happened in the past. I will try to appeal to them and ask for another chance. I don't know if it will work or if it will ever get to this point. I am a different man now and I pray that their religious values will give them the compassion to give me another chance. My family and I have been preparing for the move for the past 6 months and it's sad that is will end this way if they will not give me another chance. I pray that God will give me the strength and the words to explain and persuade them while I hope the agency staff will also have the strength to forgive.

Saturday at the Apartment

Last night I watched the correspondent's gala dinner with President Obama in C-Span. I enjoyed the show , especially the jokes from the President and the featured comedian. To me some of the jokes where harsh but I guess it's nothing in this culture. One should really have a thick skin to survive here. We spent the whole day in the apartment yesterday. We only went out to Wendy's to buy burgers and chicken for dinner. Before the C-Span show, we watched the romantic comedy 'Notting Hill' with Julia Roberts. I have watched this show many times but I am a sucker for the romantic moments especially in the end when the male lead tries to win the lady back. It's a great movie with wonderful performances especially from Hugh Grant.

I was able to exercise yesterday morning and I wanted to swim afterwards but people started coming and there where kids jumping in the pool which was not conducive for swimming laps. I will try again today before going to church. It was a relaxing day as I was able to sleep for a few hours in the afternoon after watching mindless television. I cooked adobo chicken for lunch and it was not bad. Since coming here, I have had a lot of opportunities to cook and, so far, I have cooked adobo, picadillo, baked pork chops, baked steak and adobong sausage. I was afraid at first but I guess necessity removes any doubts. When one is faced with an urgent need, one just plunges along.

I also spent some time surfing the Internet yesterday and wasted again some time. But I think I can better focus here than in the past. Life here focuses on the essentials. I do not blog as much in the office like in Singapore (which I should not really do) but more at fear at being caught. So I get to focus on work and I realize that I cannot concentrate while listening to the others in their cubicle. My mind goes into overdrive so I plan to bring my Sony Walkman so I can listen to music which I hope will help me concentrate. It will limit the opportunity to listen in to the conversation around me. This is the main distraction that prevents me from focusing.

Last Thursday, I attended a forum about a new collaboration tool to be used in the office. It was a good tool which encourages collaboration with several people in the project. They talked about blogging and seems that most people do not blog as compared to my own experience. Is that a sign of normality? But I am surprised by the high level of technical understanding of the people in the room who have been working for many years in the company. The featured person in the meeting was someone who has worked there for 20 years. Most of them are middle-aged already but are very open to the new changes happening everywhere. I guess my experience is something that gets me in the door and I should really excel to rise up when compared to the crowd here which is at a higher level in terms of maturity, seriousness and ability.

I am inspired by Obama when I talk with people and speak with others in public. I think I tend to speak like him, copying his cadences and use of words. I have listened to his 2 books and watching him progress especially last night in his speech is really an inspiration. His books make you know him better and allow you to try to be a better speaker. There is no other role model I can think of to guide aside from the immediate people in the office that I admire. It was a good relaxed day yesterday with a few moments of anxiety which my mind again attaches to the the government document. The gala show last night was a good end to this day.

I guess it will be a sign of my progress if I handle anxious situations in a more mature manner. I still have a lot of thinking faults which I have to correct. It's affecting my performance as well in the office. But realizing these wrong thinking patterns is a good start. My problem is anticipating and second guessing, by thinking too much. But working over here makes me realize that thinking too much is a liability. It impacts clear thinking. So there is more impetus here to silence the mind and listen to people and assess the situation. In fact one should get up and start talking and meeting with people. This cannot happen if one thinks too much.

Listening to a lecture last week from TED, it's the background noise that affects people from learning and building new connections in the brain. How true indeed. I started to imagine how living here would mean to my family. Previously I cannot visualize beyond this point. My worst scenario plays out in the mind that I cannot see further than next week. But I am more relaxed now and I get to imagine living in my new flat. To finally experience the new life once I get my papers. But in fact I am already living the new life which I do not yet acknowledge. Selling the flat in Singapore is a major milestone to think forward now. In the office, I do a lot of visual thinking in paper to help me think forward in moments when my mind is not functioning at all. So I am trying to use all the tools I learned to make me effective.

Star Trek

We watched the new Star Trek movie last night with my son after I came home from work. It was a good movie, a prequel to the current series. All the old characters are portrayed cleverly. It focused on the human aspect rather than special effects with enough science theories to keep it at a top level. It was a brilliant movie that I think will bring new life into the series. I think it is the same tactic the producers did with the James Bond series. Kick starting the series by introducing a new actor in a prequel or how the super spy started in the business. I guess prequels had their start with Francis Ford Coppola with his 'Godfather II'.

After watching the movie, we went to Wendy's and bought burgers for dinner. It was fun to watch the movie here and see all the fans. The office also had a lot of fans who are awaiting the opening of the movie. I always felt that the Star Trek fan club was a Philippine thing having grown up with people that really enjoyed the show. I even bought a model USS Enterprise in grade school. But seeing that people here are even more familiar with the show, I realize that global culture has deep roots and exist below the surface. People identify with the culture and take ownership and when one see it manifested in another culture, one can't help but feel that people are the same everywhere.

My wife called me early this morning at about 4:30am. She asked if my name was the same in the Identity card. I thought that it was related to the issue I have here in the local government agency because of the tone of her voice. But it was in fact the real estate broker asking because there is a buyer for our flat. After confirming my name, she hanged up the home, leaving me awake and concerned about my local issue even though it was not about it. I am glad that the flat can be sold because it leave less concerns for me. Again my mind trips back to my issue every time an incident occurs, my mind attempts to link it to the current problem; seeking a connection that does not exist.

I though about my problem and also my brother who is also here. We are both experiencing the consequences of our father's action nearly 24 years ago. I guess it was a good intention to plan for a better future but it involved inappropriate tasks that still haunts me and my brother well into our adult lives. I was watching a movie where a husband murdered his wife in Kentucky. They are relatively wealthy and the father of the husband helped his son in the crime. I guess he had no choice. This brought the thoughts of my own father and I also though about my son. I guess my actions will have repercussions to my son's life like our decision to move here.

Every thing is about continuity, even the new Star Trek movie. The hero - Captain Jim T. Kirk's father was also the captain of a star ship who died while saving his crew and family. Even the Godfather series is about family. In the early hours of the morning, I took my laptop and browsed the Internet, looking at the Manny Pacquiao videos. It is a good moment for the Philippines as I saw his victories and the impact to the Filipino community all over the world. I think he has the potential to be the greatest boxer in the world since he is the champion in six different titles. So it is an amazing achievement. He also talked about family and country.

Sleepless Night

I could not sleep again last night. I kept getting up and walking around. I tried to listen to music and was able to drift to a short nap. I think I was able to catch some rest though my mind thinks that I was wide awake the whole night. But I think I was able to restore some energy as compared to yesterday. Actually after dinner wherein my son and I cooked spaghetti, I slumped to sleep while watching TV. We were suppose to study the driving rules together but I felt tired and went to bed at about 9pm. But I awoke at about 11:30 pm and could not get back to a good sleep again.

I was thinking about my fate as I awaited the government document. I was thinking about all sorts of scenarios again although there where moments of lucidity where I was calm. But it was not enough to let me sleep. I keep awaking after dozing off. It was like being at war where falling asleep would be fatal when the enemy attacks. I did not have the panic attacks but an anxiety that I was able to control by reasoning out. So I lay in bed thinking, dozing, waking, walking around. I called my wife at about 2am which was the afternoon in Singapore. She was feeling better as she visited the doctor and was prescribed antibiotics.

I also spoke to my son and wished that both of them be here right away. The conversation was good for me because my wife is now feeling better. I like this early morning talks where we could get to speak in the darkness. I went to the office at about 8am. I had a relatively good day in the office: writing emails to initiate a backup request, writing the report I need to make, making phone calls to the accountant to discuss my taxes and talking to the loan processor from Illinois. I learned more about taxes and also my loan seems to be moving along in a positive note. So my home purchase looks like it is headed to a successful conclusion. But again my fear was always in the background.

I have had no word from the agency for 3 days. It would seemed that they have let go of the issue as something not to spend time on or worst a more in depth investigation is taking place. But I realize that I am such an insignificant small fish to warrant that much attention. I was able to function well, talking to the Indian expert, coordinating the backup via email and having a brief conversation with the architect. I also sent out a lot of mail reading the context diagram. But in the afternoon, my mind felt drowsy and I could not continue writing. So I spent most of the afternoon reading about new concepts in logistics. There are so many new things to learn in this field.

I feel very lonely and alienated here and I realized that life here is very ordered and boring when compared to Singapore. I miss the lunches with my friends eating all sorts of food. These days I make a ham and cheese sandwich most mornings and I eat the sandwich at my desk during lunch time. It's a pathetic sight compared to my previous life. I am getting to understand the newness of the place and the way of life here. The people are great in fact and I get to talk to them more. But there is a certain aloofness as well, which is a way of life where conservatism and God-fearing rules. But its a great way of life so that's why I felt like going to retirement when I decided to come here. This is why I fear the worst outcome because it will result in shame and disgrace in this environment.

Wednesday Blues

I was depressed and tired most of the day at the office. I was not able to sleep well and woke up at about 4am this morning. Last night after dinner, I thought about the things that may happen if worst comes to worst, exploring all the possible scenarios that may occur in my mind. I smoked a cheap cigar while deep in thought. Strangely I did not feel anxious mainly because America is a place of hope and one can have faith in man's better nature here. But then again sometimes the worst can come out of it. I slept relatively early after doing exercises, cooking and journal writing. Most days I get to bed a little after midnight and wake up at 6:30 am.

But I woke up very early in the morning feeling anxious like I used to in Singapore. I tried my breathing exercises and started to think good thoughts to control my mind. Eventually I got my PDA and started doing some calculation on my current cash position, to know how much I can convert to cash and pay the mortgage. My mind started going into overdrive and glad the flat has not yet been sold yet in case I am shipped out. On the other hand, I am also hoping that the house can be sold soon so I can use the money to pay off the down payment on the mortgage. I also thought about my wife and her difficulty back home.

After dinner last night, I called Singapore and spoke to my wife but she was not feeling well. I spoke to my son about the fight last Saturday of Manny Pacquio and Manchester United defeat of Arsenal. How I miss them and wish that I do not burden my wife too much. I have started to think now that coming here maybe a wrong decision. Back then it made perfect sense but after feeling the loneliness and stress, I wonder if it's really worth it. So I tried to imagine the good life with my kids well adapted and enjoying themselves, my wife working and myself successful in my projects. The good life within grasp after going over these difficulties.

Moving to another country is really a difficult exercise. I feel all sorts of pressure especially about mixing with the local people. My boss is a strange mix - sometimes he involves me and sometimes he forgets. We had a meeting at 9:30 am this morning and I tried to find him. I guess he is busy and he can't keep guiding me. I guess I am a spare tire to him these days and after the meeting where I did not contribute much, he rushed off to another meeting. So I was left to do the document he assigned me to do. The work is actually not possible to do yet as it's still early in the game. Sometime he reminds me of myself and my tendency to manage things 'at the seat of the pants' style. But I think he is worst than me though he is a much more assured and confident man.

I can't help but feel that I am not really wanted here. I have the feeling that some of the folks resent people being posted from overseas. But it's my imagination again working overtime. My paranoia and vindictive self feels like lashing out to everyone. I guess it is the stress of being away from my family, my wife not feeling well, problems with the government document, buying a new home, working on a new project, adapting to new a culture and people and so on. Sometimes I feel that it is more lonely here in this country despite the hope and optimism shown in television and the cheery disposition of the people. The climate of clear skies, fresh wind and sun uplifts the spirit perhaps superficially.

But it was raining today and the weather was depressing. It contributed to my down feeling with my concern for my wife. I sent her a text message hoping to cheer her up last night and I got no reply. I guess she is not in a mood to reply romantically. I just hope it will lift her spirits. She is now sharing our flat with our friends who moved in because their flat is being renovated. I had hoped that it would reduce her loneliness but I guess it may also prevent her from sleeping well. I cannot do anything from here and just to call and hope for the best. I have another worry with my sons who need to adapt to the education system here and acquire new skills like driving and meet new friends.

I felt that my luck has run out today with the depressing mood. My boss left for his vacation after lunch and I was alone in my desk trying to work. I was falling asleep because I felt tired. I was expecting to go to the agency to explain the problem. But I guess the government maybe investigating more or they just process the request to avoid additional paper work. I suddenly had images of the government calling the office and finding out all about me. Suddenly I will be called to personnel to explain and maybe asked to resign. Maybe all my colleagues at work will laugh and feel glad that I will leave. I can't help but feel like Nixon in his ranting during the Watergate scandal. I guess stress can do that to you and flip your mind.

The Past Returns

This morning we went to the government office to get our documents. We were assisted by a young and pretty Japanese lady. I though she was Mexican when were speaking over the phone to arrange our meeting. Her name was Chico which solidified my impression that she was Latin American. But Chico was in fact a nickname. She has been here for about 7 years and knows her way around. She was born in Nagoya, Japan. She helped us go the bank with my son to open his account. She also helped me in the gas station to check the tire pressure of the rental car. Actually, she told me how much money to tip the attendant who checked the tires.

Finally, she helped me return the rental car to the airport. She drove the rental because she was used to the automatic transmission. I drove the new second hand car which had a manual transmission. Checking again the Internet, this car model seemed to get mixed reviews. I discovered that it had more negative views than I had noticed previously. I wonder why I missed this part. I guess you tend to see only what you what to see. But I guess the over riding attraction for me was the lowered price. It was what made me buy it. Now that I am reading less than good reviews I wonder if I made a mistake. Now for the second car, I am deciding whether to buy a Ford or a Nissan.

I thought I should have a Japanese car for my second one so that I have a balance of reliability. At the moment, a 2007 Nissan in the car dealer I am looking at, is the brand with the lowest mileage and cost as compared to Toyota or Honda. In fact I think you can never get a used Toyota or Honda with a car mileage less than 50,000 miles because of their quality and durability. People tend to keep them and use them more rather than most car brands. The Nissan is the next good alternative and there are used car mileage of less than 50,000. A good reliable car but not in the same class as the other 2 well known Japanese brands.

On the other hand, Ford provides an attractive alternative. There are good pre-owned cars that have less than 20,000 miles, with good miles per gallon at a very attractive selling price. So I am seriously thinking of Ford if the car I liked - a 2 door 2007 Ford Focus - is still available when my wife and son arrives in June. I think the 2 door model will be a good car for my kids to go to school with instead of the Saturn. I am also closing the deal on the townhouse and it looks like it can be settled in less than 30 days. Last night I also took care of the school transcript verification for my son to complete his enrollment. Hopefully it will turn out right with his previous school credits accepted here.

It was actually a rough day and the government agency found an old record 24 years ago that I deeply regret having done. It was at the back of my mind and I did not think their system could have records stretching that far back. So now this problem has come back to haunt me and bite me in the ass after so many years. It has come at a time when everything seems to be working out fine. Now I am getting paranoid after this incident and I am getting to see demons everywhere because it can turn our really bad for me and my family. I hope they just delete the old record so that we can start anew.

I pray again that God will help me and turn things right. So many things in my mind and suddenly this comes out to strike me. It like that scene in the famous move ('The Godfather'? I think) when the hero tries to lead a new life but out comes his past to drag him back to a life of crime. this afternoon I had a good discussion with my boss on the things I need to do. I think he is a decent man and I have to continually talk to him to understand his thoughts. He is actually very intelligent and we reached a good understanding on the project. I am starting to get excited again on the work and in my life and circumstances but out comes this problem. Suddenly I have thoughts of failure and disgrace and shame.

I got my first paycheck yesterday and was shocked to find that my taxes where 33%. I was suddenly fearful that my financial plans will be thrashed. But I think my finances are still sound and we could still survive by living frugally. Maybe I need to get a 2nd job. The Ford purchase is also starting to look good. But now comes the ghost of my past lurking behind. I think the people at the agency will do the right thing instead of making it a big brouhaha. What have they got? I think they do not have a picture nor a thumbprint. Will they go to all that trouble to dig up the past? I think they can if they want to but I hope my situation will appeal to their humanity. Please God help me.

Peer Review Completed

We finished today the review of the business requirements of the project. I will be working on a small but significant part. There are many players and I like the way people work here. There is mutual respect and I think I was able to hold my own with the 'veterans'. They defer a lot to the outsource agent from India. He is a very nice and intelligent person and he knows a lot about the system and the way things work. I am the new guy and I have to observe how things work around here. I think I can make an impact by just keeping quiet and holding my tongue. It is important to show respect especially with the people who spent many years on the project than me.

I guess by holding my comments and show that I can listen and understand how things work around here. In Asia, when I am not included in the discussions I feel that I am dis-respected. But here I don't feel the same way because it is not personal. I mean they do include me in meetings even if I don't need to be there. But the people here do it to show respect. So I am glad about this atmosphere and it's really a place where you can grow. I am glad that the company is based here in the American South than in some other state. More modern cities will have arrogant and snobbish people. I remember the people I met when I was here 20 years ago in Los Angeles, California and the nice people I met here in the past few days.

I do not feel the same pressure to prove myself. I think people are willing to listen you but you have to talk sense. Otherwise you will be labeled as a 'blow hard'. So there is a price to the time people give you to say your piece. My inspiration is actually Barack Obama and they way he talks and explains things. I guess he is in a delicate position where he needs to explain more and be more competent because of the prevailing circumstances. His victory and the rise of outsource companies in India and the Philippines and their significant role in Western economies is a wonder to watch. It is a significant trend that only happened recently and one that I am lucky to watch and experience and even benefit. The key I think is communication which both countries have a natural ability.

It's amazing that I am also nearly completing the purchase of a home. It can only happen here in the United States. I started reading about the value of purchasing a townhouse as compared to a single detached house. I guess I made the decision already. I think that a new single detached house is beyond my budget and the only thing I can afford is the townhouse. Anyway the mortgage payments is the same or even less than rental payments. But I can also claim tax credits. I plan to sell the house and the good thing about it is that it's near a well known high school. I think that area will boom in a few years when more developments like malls and subdivisions get built in the area. The area looks and feels like an up and coming place.

I realize that the bar has risen here and I am in more qualified company. My advantage is my hunger to strive and work and experiences that I have. I guess my strategy is to keep quiet and work and achieve small victories. I have to observe properly and learn the local customs. I need to give respect to the Indian team and defer to them as the Americans do in the office. They have achieved significant victories I believe and they are riding an outsourcing wave that began decades ago. Thomas Friedman was right and I did not see it in Asia but it's really evident here in the United States. I guess it's a global shift in the division of labor and the English speaking facility has been the key as well as their Engineering capabilities.