Davos for the Poor

Most of the newscasts have sections on the meeting at Davos where the powerful and wealthy meet to discuss today's problems. So people like me wait with bated breath as the reporters interview the mighty on their opinions on the global crisis and the stimulus packages. China and Russia found an opportunity to resurrect their old alliance and criticize the United States. In the meantime, the news are filled with job losses all over the world. For some people who are not affected yet, they wait anxiously for the ax to fall down on them.

The Davos meetings is a good idea I guess where most people get to meet in an informal setting and discuss the world's problem. Perhaps this is a better opportunity to coordinate and plan actions than in other venues. But maybe just a gossip mill where everyone can churn out opinions and maybe even cause some problems if followed by the wrong people. For instance, a well known personality called Dr.Doom was vehemently against the recently approved US stimulus package. On the other, other speakers have given a qualified approval of the plan. But it seems to me that they are pundits who are playing arm chair foot ball.

I guess it is significant that no senior official from the US government seem you have attended. Perhaps they have wisely decided to focus on the issue and push the approval by the Congress. Now that that's done, some form of hope and optimism can arise in most people. Again the news from some stations are against the good bank, bad bank plan and again provided by people who make their living being naysayers. It's like a reporter criticizing the decisions of a wise and respected government official who remarks that if the reporter has had more actual experience administrating or managing a country, then he would listen. Hence, we do not see the whole picture so need to be careful when criticising.

In the meantime, the common folks like us need to wait for the outcome of the decisions and maybe some wise pronouncement from Davos. It's like we are waiting for the decisions on our future. Can ordinary folks like us have a so-called Davos of the poor? It would not be staged in some posh location like Switzerland and can only happen in the Internet. Technology like social networking or concepts like crowd sourcing may be applied to create a virtual Davos for everyman who can participate and provide their views. Hopefully this can lead to good ideas and a venue that will allow people to meet in a virtual Davos in something like a Second Life environment.

In today's age, this idea may not be far off. With today's technology I think people are also are more aggressive in promoting these type of venues that democratize or allow for every one to participate. Hopefully this can lead to better solutions and plans in the future where everyone's opinion can be shared and help shape decisions. Perhaps this may be the new struggle that will replace the old Marxist class struggle that happened in the past. Mainly, a struggle to allow for more participation to global decision making using the latest technology. Resistance may come from those who wish to attain the exclusive situation where powerful elites prefer the status quo.

Reading Like a Writer

I am listening to Francine Prose's audio book 'Reading Like A Writer.' The book is more a literature appreciation course although it gives good insights on novel writing. She praises a few authors notably Anton Chekhov. I am looking for audio books in the library but find that a lot of movies have been made from his stories. I think I will borrow some of them to learn of his work. I have relied more on listening to books and watching videos or movies to learn more of the craft of writing. I think is it a much better and faster way to learn than just by reading. But I think Francine Prose's book is more for book lovers than writers and too much detail for me.

I am amazed at the amount of free information available in the Internet. I could learn just about anything and supplemented with book reading from the library is a very cost effective way to grow and develop. The skill needed is to be able to navigate this new world. I think Google has a step up with the types of tools it offers free to the public. It seems that Google is the only company not affected by the recession. In fact, after logging into the Internet this morning, the site I always often use are: Google, Yahoo and CNN. Of course, I also used side tools to organize my thinking by using Mind Mapping, Notes and Delicious to store web links. It's a much different world today than just a few years back.

This morning I read an article in an UCLA magazine that the world is getting more visual and losing it's critical and analytical skills. According to the study, more people are not reading or writing but watching videos, television and movies, playing games and surfing the Internet. So tools like mind mapping are getting popular to organize thoughts instead of say writing or even conversing with other people. The study proposes to change school tests to accommodate this trend. I guess the new medium is also increasing the amount of information streaming towards the individual and mind mapping becomes an important tool just to survive.

After looking at the blogs from the Philippines, I am struck by their focus and content. Of course these are the top blogs based on number of hits so they have unique and skilled authors mostly photographers or designers. Compared to my efforts I am self-absorbed and indulgent. The blogs are a good challenge for me to improve and I noticed that blogs these days focus on photography than any other subjects. Again it's the visual trend these days to offer a clear and unambiguous record to the public. No more internal thoughts or sub texts although the composition of a photograph does provide some internal design and thought. But like myself, I prefer to keep things simple and avoids lot of hand wringing.

It's a work day today but I did not feel like going to work. Instead I will try to write a few mails and maybe make a few calls. The hospital gave me a medical leave or certificate that allows me to stay home until the 31st of January. But I think I should try to go to work and do some of the stuff there especially the meeting. I know it is fuzzy thinking again but I always think that the company is looking to get rid of people especially during the recession. So I think I have to do some work before these things get delayed. I feel I am getting more organized with less tolerance for triviality after my accident. I guess pain has a way of shaking people into their senses.

Medical Leave

I have been on medical leave for more than a week. The past 2 days don't count because it's the Chinese New Year holidays. I have been watching movies and in the past 2 days, walking in the park with my wife. We visited my friend in the hospital last Sunday. He is fine and gives me hope that things will turn out well. I have problems sleeping because of the splint in my arm. I can't find a good position so I keep on moving in the bed. But not too much to keep my wife awake. The past days have been a welcome break though I often think about the things I have to do at work.

I will go to work on Thursday. I have a meeting that day with the team from Europe. I know I should relax but I keep thinking that I have responsibilities to do. Nevertheless I did not check my mail today although I think I have to tomorrow morning. Today I spent a lot of time looking at blogs written by my country men. I like the photography blogs and added their links to my other blog. I have also been looking at You Tube and the other tools from Google like Sites and Notes. I think it provides a good platform for me to work together with their other tools like Documents and Calendar. I think I can have consistent strategy in using these tools. Their web strategy is more consistent than Microsoft.

I also update the Toastmaster blog the other day. I think I may have a large presence in the Internet with pages in Face book, Linked In, etc. But I guess that is the trend today. In fact I realize that I spend more time in user created sites like blogs and You Tube and other social networking sites than the established media like CNN. In fact most of the information I need do not come from established sites but sites like wikis and other public domain. I was looking for a file and I found it despite it's elicit quality. There is too much information out there that the need for a filter like Google is getting to be very important.

I have been thinking deeply about my life these past days after my accident. I have also been listening to Obama's recent speeches after his inauguration. I was stuck by a statement quoted from the Bible that stated that 'the time for childish things is past'. I don't remember if Obama quoted this statement or what but it gave me some thought. I realized that for me to change my life I need to change my values. This is the only way for me to move forward. The first step is to admit my addiction and actively fights it's allure. Yes the time for childish things is past. I also don't feel my usual tolerance for foolishness and I get irritated or bored if I keep doing these things.

These past days while working at home with my computer I was able to increase my technical competence. For instance I was able to connect to the Internet with my work computer. The reason I could now do this is that I have lost the 'chatter' in my head. I think it came away while I was in the hospital waiting from my operation. If I allowed the 'chatter' to get to me, I would have been shouting hysterically. But somehow I kept my calm, settling my mind long enough for the sedative to take affect. The delay of 3 days also allowed me to force a calmness and resolve to patiently wait for the operation. I guess painful accidents like these help me be more mature. I just wished it happend earlier in my life.

Roller Blading Mishap

I broke my wrist last weekend. The Saturday started well enough with a bright morning and I skated around the park as usual. Sometime after my 3rd or 4th circle around the lake, I hit a twig that caused me to fall. I stayed in the hospital for nearly 5 days. I was operated on my 4th day and the doctor's placed a steel plate below my wrist. For 4 nights I stayed at a ward where the doctors decided when to operate on me. They wanted the swelling to subside before they could operate. So I stayed in bed with my left arm on a sling as I waited for the swelling to subside, played Solitaire in my phone, read magazines and slept. Mostly slept because I was tired and drawn out because of the accident.

It was my first operation and my close friend also had his heart operation scheduled last Monday. My operation was done on Wednesday. Of course my injury is trivial compared to him. But lying in the hospital bed, looking at the other patients, I felt the loneliness and vulnerability that one inevitably feels, waiting for doctors, the medicines they stick into your veins and the operation that will hopefully fix you. The patient beside me was a young boy who was strapped to his bed. He seemed to be having seizures and recently had a brain operation which I deduced as I saw a scar across his skull. There was always a member of his family with him. Usually, a grandmother in the mornings followed by the father, mother or sister as they come from work or school. But he was never alone.

Young nurses would come in the morning from the nursing college, rushing through the ward, talking and gossiping. They would come to replace the sheets in our beds or help the patients take their morning bath. Some nurses would help me wrap a plastic bag in my arm to protect it from getting wet as I took a shower. I usually take a bath and brush my teeth at dawn before 7 am before the doctors make their rounds. It was uplifting to wake up in the morning and to see so many young nurses busying themselves and trying to make the patients feel better. I now understand the novels I read about war and the nurses helping the wounded (or foolish like me). The hospital was very clean and I like the hot water in the showers in the morning.

During the days I was in the hospital, I was often sending text messages to my friends and colleagues. Mostly to tell them that I will be missing the Monday morning meeting or asking them to tell others I won't be attending an event or inquiring about my friends condition after his operation. There were times when I felt that fate is something that one cannot predict. I prayed that my friend and I will leave the hospital well and meet each other again. Possibly to have dinner in Chinatown like we usually do. I wondered if my accident was telling me something. That I should stop doing this silly things and focus on more serious matters. During those nights at the hospital ward I had a lot of time to think and play Solitaire.

Be Authentic

The very first application support issue has surfaced last Tuesday. It still hasn't been fixed. It has been four days (with a holiday in India last Wednesday) and still the problem is still there. I have been on the phone with the outsource staff. I am in a worst situation than I can ever imagine. Both the Thai customer and Indian support staff are new in the job. They both were discussing endlessly today with nothing getting done. They are both waiting for some solution to miraculously happen. I realize that I have had an excellent team in the past who were motivated and technically competent to resolve application problems. Now I am back to square one in trying to build a new team.

Earlier I could not help them because I had a meeting this afternoon. I also had to write a few important emails; one to the boss man which was the minutes of yesterday's meeting. I also took some time to write another mail explaining a budget overrun for a project. Not a large amount; in fact a very trifling amount compared with other projects. The variance is equivalent to one month's salary of some of the people here. So I dashed out a few mails, called the outsource team to try and direct them to the proper direction and continue with my work. At the same time trying to monitor the situation via chat.

It's nearly 8pm and still no word. In this scenario, with new people trying to solve complex problems, it's a nightmare. I have no choice but to lead and supervise. My lady boss also gave me some tips. It's her last day in the office as she's moving to Shanghai on Sunday. I realize from her stories that she has more problems than me. The many application she handles has more issues. So she needs to coordinate with more staff as well. In this situation, we both have to use email, chat and phone calls to the staff in India to direct, motivate, guide and support them to solve the issue. What a mess. Life is truly getting to be difficult.

This morning I was thinking on why it takes a lot of effort for me to express myself in front of other people. Even when writing emails. I realize that I have a persona to maintain - to speak or write competently or in a manner that is not foolish. So I am not relaxed or being true myself but playing a role. Then there was this sentence flashing in my mind - BE AUTHENTIC like some magical mantra leading me to salvation. So being authentic is the goal and ultimate new years resolution. I have been trying to lead myself towards many directions - trying to be a good investor like Warren Buffet, trying to be a great writer, trying to be a golfer, trying to be a sophisticated traveller who appreciate art and literature. Hence a snob.

So not meeting this many desires has frustrated me. So I try to live up to delusions in my life as well as succumbing to temptations. So I end up being mixed up when I really should be authentic. My good friend always told me that I should be authentic and I never could understand what he was talking about. I then realized what he was saying this morning. I had an epiphany. I knew that being authentic means having a relaxed down to earth personality, no more desire to be someone else. No need to borrow so many books, go to different places and watch so many movies in order to be someone else. Being authentic means looking into yourself and determining who you really are and just be it.

Early Morning Meeting

I had an early morning meeting with the my old nemesis - the boss man. The project office head was sick so she called me and said to proceed with the meeting. So I went with the new support staff from our Indian outsource. The boss man was his usual self, challenging us to improve the report. So I spent most of the time defending the reports that we presented. We were a shooting target because he just came and attacked all the format we presented. All the points mentioned were good but I think that we always spend more time arguing about the formats. But with the impending transfer, my days reporting on the system status are few. I hope the new team will not be stressed to much with the boss man.

A couple of days ago, my dear friend told me that he needs heart surgery to remove a benign tumour. I was shocked and could not respond much. He is five years younger than me but he is brave and seems unconcerned about the coming operation. The doctors say that stress maybe the likely cause. I also have a few colleagues who have ailments attributable to stress. This got me thinking that I should not stress my kids to much. The grades of my youngest son depressed him and I think he felt some form of stress. It seems a fact of life here that people are stressed to keep up with the demands of life and work. I am glad to be moving to a more laid back atmosphere and hope that it will be less demanding for my family.

I told my other colleague whose sister has chronic kidney failure to explore alternative medicine. It is easy for me to say as I am not affected. But to look at a future with a dialysis machine is not much of a future as well. But being exposed to traditional Chinese medicine and other alternative forms of medication in Asia give me more confidence in proposing this action. In fact the only way to stay healthy is to exercise everyday. Every morning I bike or walk in the nearby park or use my rowing machine for about 15 to 20 minutes everyday. I also stopped smoking, drink lots of liquids and handle stress by blogging and Tai Chi and, of course, exercise. It's the only way to survive these days rather than just dropping dead of stroke or cardiac arrest as some young people are wont to do recently.

So this brings me back to the boss man and my son. I should not react negatively with stress after meeting with the boss man. I should also avoid stressing my kids with high expectations though I should gently challenge them to be better. I also should not take the load or problems in my work. There is always a procedure and an elevation process. The support team in India should get most of the load. Yesterday, there was a call from Thailand of the other system that we just deployed. It had a problem uploading files. Usually I would be stressed and focus on the issue until it is resolved. But with so many things to do, I did not pay too much attention. So I just wrote an e-mail to the support team to look into the problem.

I guess another thing that I should adjust to is my age. I am not a doddering old man yet but I guess I can no longer do the things that I used to do in the past. My tolerance to stress is not as great as before. So I should be smart and learn to pass problems to the appropriate channel. I should also respect myself and try to go home early instead of staying late to resolve issues. There is always another day to work on the problem. Another thing as mentioned by my brother is not to bring my work problems home. I am guilty of this habit sometimes though I do not shout or get angry when I get home. Usually I am just silent and a bit surly with my family, neglecting them and looking for my own distraction like reading books or Internet. I guess with age come self-awareness to hopefully improve oneself.

Boss Moving to China

My immediate boss is leaving for China this week. Afterwards we will be reporting to the Asia regional head though functionally we are still under my boss in China. We spoke last night before I left the office and she offered me some tips. Late last night she sent an SMS informing me of the new person she hired in Shanghai to help me on my projects. Eventually he will take over once I transfer to my new assignment. I am thinking of writing to my new bosses to follow-up on the offer now that things are moving along here to replace me. I feel embarrassed sometimes and think that I should wait. But I really need to have more visibility because it affects my kids.

When I got home last night, my wife told me that my youngest can enroll in a diploma course as he does not need to repeat his secondary year. I am glad that he can do so because it will be more motivating for him to study in a new place. I don't need to spend a lot for polytechnic nor junior college which is more expensive than this diploma course. Basically he will be entering the level 11, I think when we move over. I am reading some articles on education in Newsweek and seems that it's starting to be a big business. With globalization and the complexity of modern business, more schools are focusing on improving their curriculum. Some are focusing on multi-disciplinary work as well some subjects on culture, art and design.

I hope that I can give my kids a multi-cultural and multi-geographical educational experience. Even if the schools they enter are not the greatest, at least the experience will give them a more well-rounded education. I think I need to support for another 7 to 10 years before they graduate with a degree that they are confident in. I also tried to assess my education and experience these past years after reading all these literature on the current state of schools. Countries in the Middle East and Asia are spending a lot of money to improve their schools and all these turmoil in economics highlight the complexity and, really, inability of current managers to adapt to the new realities. Some articles are calling this debacle the first global crisis of the Internet age - in fact even caused by the Internet as it also speeds up complexity which current managers are unable to control.

I think that is the key for tomorrow. To be multi-cultural, multi-disciplined and mobile. Tomorrow's worker need to be familiar with all sorts of knowledge and skills with soft skills like communication and leadership are being highligthed. Maybe today's world and complexity push people to try to expand themselves because they seem to be inadequate in today's world. Most people pretend that they know and get into trouble. Unlike Warren Buffet who avoids investing in derivatives and credit default swaps for example, he honestly admits that he does not understand them. Others think they understand and invest but soon lose their shirts once events move faster than they can respond.

I find myself in this situation as well. Investing in things which I thought I understood but now I have a paper loss in my stock investments. But not as terrible as others maybe as Iam willing to wait for the long term until the market improves. The situation that is getting more complex is in today's environment where our outsource support team resides in Hyderabad -India and Shenzhen - China, my boss in Shanghai with users in Thailand and Shenyang - China. Add to the mix the new process where everything is logged into a system with tickets and people responding to issues electronically. So communication is now via chat, SMS and email whereas I prefer verbal discussions by phone or face to face.

I realize that I am overwhelmed and try to escape by blogging. Or at least to write down my thought so I can settle my mind into calm.

Exam results

Yesterday we received the results of my son's O level exams. He did not do as well as we expected. I did not know how to react. My wife and I were expecting to much and when things don't turn out as expected we were did not know how to react. The immediate reaction was to get angry and scold my son on the time spent in the Internet or the PlayStation. But this will not be helpful. I think there is too much stress placed on children over here. I feel that the time spent by my son on these entertainment is really to distract himself from the pressure. He may need to attend the same level again but hopefully until the middle of the year until we move.

I start to think that the transfer will help us start anew again. Hopefully my wife will be emboldened to work again and my youngest son will adjust to the new school environment. My eldest son will probable need more time to adjust but I plan to give him more experience in driving so he can focus on this new skill. It is such a huge country that I think we will enjoy travelling the roads and visiting the cities. It will be whole different world and culture. Adjusting to the culture will be relatively easy since we are all voyeurs of movies and television shows coming from there. But there will be a realization that understanding the culture is different from being part of it.

I hope that this transfer will last longer. I think the time is right especially with the age of my kids and the phase in my career. But I am troubled by the result of my son's exam and fear a more deeper problem. I think he needs more help in improving his self-esteem and confidence. I know he is a confident athlete but he need more help in his academic skills. So I am thinking of enrolling him in a famous 4-day seminar that is targeted to teens like him. It is quite expensive but I think it is worthwhile. I think he needs to build a strong foundation of self-respect and courage. I can't help but think that this maybe the affect that a competitive streaming process can do to kids who are not prepared.

Important Resolution

During the weekend, I worked on the pictures I took during my vacation to create a movie show. I have an old software that I used but did not have the correct driver. I had the driver in my old laptop which broke down early last year. So I tried to search for an alternative - even using Movie Maker. I was able to use it but did not have the solution I wanted. Instead I learned more about Movie Maker and was able to put together some of my video files instead of picture files. Both applications actually work well but the missing link is the CD or DVD burning software or driver that I need. I learned something new over the weekend but also wasted time experimenting on Movie Maker with some other files.

I also tried looking at the websites of the location I will transfer to. I also worked on fixing my laptop connectivity which had problems on wireless connection. I was only able to connect to the Internet by cable. I showed my youngest son the websites of the post secondary schools and soccer sites so he can spend some time looking at them. I also gave the list of sites to my eldest son on the technical and college sites. Both of them understandably did not show much enthusiasm but I hope for them to raise their concerns so we can discuss them. I have many thoughts on the future and how our fates may possibly play out. Moving a family is really one of the most difficult things to do. I did not have a chance to discuss the future with both of them and instead hope that the websites will help them envision their new life.

I hope to discuss with them the future so I can try to reduce their fears or whatever is troubling them. What is important is for them to bring it out in the open so we can discuss in a civilized way. What is clear is that we should move together as a family with no one remaining here. It is the only viable option at their ages and with the savings I have. I need to be careful with my money and I have reduced my expenses of trivial things such as guitar lessons and my only plan this year is to continue my golf practice. I think I should resolve to improve myself with courses that are not to expensive. Of course I will continue with my reading and watching movies. Last weekend I borrowed a good lecture on 'Supply Chain and the Internet.' It was a good one hour lecture from a professor from Stanford University.

I sent the completed questionnaire last Friday so the paperwork on the transfer could begin. I also sent the scanned copies. I hope to have the documented job offer sent to me before the end of the month. I still have this thoughts and fears in my mind about scheming people over there trying to avoid bringing me over. I also have thoughts of my eldest son sabotaging the move by sending malicious emails. I know I have an over active imagination bordering on the malicious. I have to tone down my thoughts and remove this malice intent existing in my soul. The only way for me to move forward is to remove my addiction to bad thoughts and desire. The sense of doom and gloom that pervade my mind by allowing your dark nature to take over.

This addiction I clearly know and I had hoped to sway it aside by thinking that I am a sophisticate instead a decadent narcissist. I read that the only way to change is to change one's values. This is correct and it's the most important resolution that I need to make for this year. Moving away form this addiction will remove the inclination of my mind to think in this malevolent direction. The first step is admitting this addiction and planning steps to remove these type of temptations in my life. I guess I have to remove all the files in my laptop as a start so as to remove any sort of item that will cause me to backslide. Figthing this addiction will be the first step in controlling a malignant mind.

The next step is to prepare for my move. I think my main selling point is that I have had about 14 years work experience in supply chain. I think I need to reinforce this experience by learning more about the subject. I have started to borrow some videos about the subject and hope to continue with other topics. I hope to complete my studies on writing a novel before I move over so the next step is to start the real writing. I think that I can finish a first rough draft before moving. My seven years here have helped me expand myself more and be a better person. I think I should look at my final months as a way to complete my studies to make myself effective in my new job. This would require mastering the new processes in the company as well.

Another Change

Another major change has been announced. Seems that further reorganization is in the cards. I did not feel anything as I am not affected because of my transfer. But I will still face a lot of challenges, primarily the resettling of my family. I have just sent out the needed forms and documents and hope that the process will move further along. I am afraid that I will be spending a lot of money with the move. The details regarding my children have been clarified a bit but now comes the execution part where forms have to be filled and money paid. I have a fair bit of savings but I think I have to make a loan so I have cash for emergencies.

Last night was a good meeting. I was the host of the evening as well as an evaluator. I stuck to the script and was able to handle the meeting in a relaxed manner despite my dual role. In the past I was always nervous and I could not focus on the script. There were just a few people in the room and maybe that's another reason why I was not so nervous. The new member from my home country did his first speech and I dare say he was much better then me in my first speech. I relied on notes and stayed put in the lectern. On the other hand, he memorized his speech well and was able to walk around and use body movement effectively.

I am reading Orhan Pamuk's 'My Name is Red.' It's a brilliant novel and I consider him the best living writer around next to Gabriel Garcia Marquez. It's subject is something that I am always interested in and his works always opens a new world to me. He has great skill, imagination and sensitivity. He also has depth which I don't detect in most writers today. I am listening to his audio book and I have to put much attention in order not to miss anything. I am more focused when reading than in listening. I guess this is the way I learn. But I have to develop this skill as well to learn by listening because it will improve my cognition. Even in my work I seem to be too slow and not to get the ideas if spoken verbally. I get it better if I read about it.

I think I have opened a new skill in me by listening at the audio books and public speaking. This has forced me to expose myself to the public and respond more to people. I think a different part of my brain is being used in these activities. I sometimes don't pick up the thread of thought during meetings or discussions as I either lose focus or lose sight of the crucial point. By listening more and speaking in public requires me to lose my inwardness. I am better at abstract ideas which I have to get rid of if I finally move to my new location. I should always remember my experiences and the focus that I bring to my work. It will be my saving grace.

Origins of Fear

I just finished a meeting with the project team. I feel relieved that the business leader was able to lead the meeting. In the past, she had some difficult moments but now I think she has adjusted well. With good leaders, I think that followers like me are less stressed. Actually I am not just a follower but the technical project leader as well. I think I will never be a good leader unless I have faith on others. I also have this fear that people will not do as they are asked to by their leaders and are only waiting to get something from the deal. I think this is the source of my fears and anxiety - the deep feeling that people are out to screw your life.

I wonder why and when I have reached this situation. What incident in my life has caused me to be this way? Is it the loss of my first love? Or the lack of parental attention in my childhood? I have become cynical and hard eyed that I am unable to trust people completely. Perhaps I put pressure on myself when I actually should not. I always feel that I should be doing something or the other party will feel that I am not worthy. So I stress myself and bring myself to pressure during situation where I need to exert leadership. During these times, especially with so many changes in the organization I am also feeling lost especially with the ongoing projects that I still have to deliver. Add to this confusing mix is the impending transfer that will turn my family upside down.

So I like it when other people take the lead. I have just finished listening to Suetonius 'The Lives of the 12 Caesars.' In terms of my leadership style, I may identify more with Mark Anthony rather than Julius Caesar. A leader himself but lacking the greatness and confidence of a Julius Caesar. So I am more of a follower but when thrust into leadership positions, I hesitate - filled with self doubt. I think I need to develop my leadership skills more if I want to succeed in life. I have not had the chance to have a lot of people report to me but during those short periods of time, I think those that have worked under me have greatly appreciated my leadership. I guess I have problems when I have to lead a group of aggressive and contentious people. I lose focus and confidence.

This is the problem I face when I tackle new projects when I have to learn new things. I am not the subject matter expert so I have to scramble and understand the subject. So I appreciate working with good leaders and I have had the chance to work closely with at least 3 people who I admire: the boss man, my old French friend and my country man in my last project. I appreciated working with them and the thing in common with them are: concern for their employees, demanding, hardworking, intelligent, leading by example, dedication, visionary and confident. I wonder how I can get that drive to be a leader. I think I have lost that drive when I transferred here but had flashes of my old enthusiasm when I had to a chance to work with these 3 inspiring leaders.

I think my main fault is that I distract myself too much. I fill my mind with too many books, movies and trivial experiences to make myself a well-rounded personality that I am lost when real and difficult events start to affect me. So I am often at a lost when the speed of everyday work life start to overwhelm me. So my first reaction is one of escape: to further bury my mind into new things, away from the problem. Last week, I finally had a chance to start sorting my stuff; getting rid of all those magazines or paper that I keep in the hope of reading one day and avoid missing some important stuff. I was able to do it by having a drink of brandy which help me steady myself. I guess if I concentrate I can focus on the subject at hand that I can address the challenge.

I noticed that my old friend who was also the business leader in our project is very calm and collected when faced with a challenging situation. He focuses on the issue, asks questions and tries to solicit down-to-earth solutions. He does not panic. On the other, if I was faced with a similar situation, I would probably get excited, start thinking of some sophisticated and new solution that would solve the problem. I am willing to try out new things not based on actual experience but on something that I have read. I guess I value more the things that I know than the actual experiences that I have.

I noticed this failing in me because I underrate my experiences. I also don't have faith in my fellow men which combines into an anxiety filled snob who prefers to spend more time in leisure - reading books and other activities but not actually working. So my usual reaction is to try to impress people, to show them that I am qualified. It is this insecurity that I should control and avoid thinking too much to impress. Instead try to force the mind to think of past experiencess and actual success that stories read in a book. Some book learning maybe good but should be applied subtly in actual situations. The trick is to keep both feet on the ground and accept one's short comings. I think if one stops pretending than one can become a true leader. Or maybe some who is just realistic and down to earth.

New Year Resolutions

Reading the recent blog postings on mind mapping, I see there's a convergence of some trends or syncronicity of thinking between mapping adherents. Using my experience for example, mind mapping is used in conjunction with stuctured productivity methods like Getting Things Done (GTD). Looks like an attempt to structure visual thinking into a more ordered methodology. Sometime I only use mind maps to clarify my thinking and brainstorm new ideas. But I would like to use it more but I cannot seem to find a consistent routine. So structured methdologies like GTD and project management are added into a visual thinking process like mind mapping to strengthen it's use.

My consistent method to clarify thinking is actually blogging. It's simple and effective although not enough when faced with more complex ideas wherein mind mapping is the best tool. Now visual thinking is also enhanced or combined with concepts like 'sense making' to broaden it's appeal. It just shows how universal visual thinking is getting to be especially in today's world where on is unudated with information and ideas. I think this is the same conclusion reached by most mind mappers as one looks into blogsphere. So a convergense is seen in the following situation: mind mapping -> visual thinking -> sense making -> project mangement -> Getting things Done (GTD) -> information overload.

This convergence have resulted in new tools that expand the main concept. Tools like Personal Brain -> eProductivity with Lotus Notes Templates -> Compedium, etc. So I think we are on the verge of a significant development where a new interface will soon be developed that will stretch the way we think and allow us to handle the new demands at work and life. Maybe it will also accommodate tools like blogging and mind mapping and Personal Brain that will allow us to see the world in a better and holistic way. Maybe something like blogger.com with mind mapping, calender, To Do List and document management. Perhaps that is something that I am trying to do with my blog where I write down my thoughts, post pictures, sometimes post my mind maps, books read and so on.

Maybe this is the future of user interfaces for computers. A way that is like MySpace but something more wherein the users could express themselves and have a tool that will help them make sense of the world. For instance, Enterprise Project Management tools like Clarity is very helpful although it took some time for me to get used to it's ideas and concepts. Now I see it as a very comprehensive tool to help you manage your projects. I have not yet reached this level as I am still confused on budget, tasks and time sheets. As I have mentioned it takes time for me to wrap my mind into new ideas. My mind always bubbles with thoughts and fears and blogging is a way for me to settle down by writing and constructing rational sentences.

Since it's the new year where one usually gets into setting resolutions, I list down some of my more important ones: practice yoga every weekend, attend sport lessons, play my guitar, learn more about supply chain and logistics, and project management and EPM tools like Clarity. These goals I hope to achieve as well as my other goals like preparing for the move, borrowing more audio books and watching movies. My major goal will still be to complete my book where I have had a chance to read more about the craft of writing. I think I am better prepared now than ever before. I wonder if I should try to learn something new this year although I am constrained by my budget.

Getting Things Done

I just attended an e-seminar regarding a new tool to improve productivity. It is based on the methodology of Getting Things Done (GTD) by Robert Allen. A good concept and I try to practice it as much as possible. But sadly I am not consistent and my Inbox for example is a big mess. I now have a better understanding of the method as compared to the past. It takes a while before my mind can wrap itself around new ideas. Although I understand the concept intellectually, I often need more time for it to settle into a better understanding before I can apply it consistently in my life. I have been reading about GTD concepts for some time and it's the first time I have seen it applied in a software.

I really need to have a better methodology to help me manage my life. With so many things that need to be done I spend more time procrastinating. In fact I read that smart people procrastinate the most, modesty aside. Mind dump is a good way to clear the mind although my method of mind dumping it more via blogging. It's not really a good way because it answers more the need for expression and a more systematic or structured 'buckets' need to created for office work. Blogging helps more in establishing a stable sense of self and psychological balance and stress relief than being a more efficient worker. Other tools like mind mapping help as well but not systematic in the way like the GTD method proposes.

Last night I scanned the needed documents and I think I have all materials. The only thing remaining is to fill up the form of my past roles and responsibilities before sending it. I plan to send it by Friday. I still have to find out about the ways to defer the national service and end the current term for my eldest son. I hope he can move over the education units of his school term to his new school. My laptop was not working well when I first tried to scan so I removed all the games loaded by my youngest son. Afterwards, it was working fine. I think I need to explain to him the risk of downloading games more clearly. I need to spend more time communicating to my kids especially with the move.

I have to explain to them why the transfer is important and good for them in the long run. I really need to communicate more with my family especially now with my kids in adolescence. But I should communicate in a more respectful and considerate tone and not in a condescending way like Clint Eastwood's character in his latest movie 'Grand Torino'. There is need for me to step up in a responsible way and spend more time with my kids. My days of aloofness is over because their age needs more guidance and support. Even if they don't listen to me I have to exert more effort to explain and convince. I think I am good in communicating during 'make believe' sessions but need to be more effective in real life.

I reviewed again my Toastmaster manual where I keep my speeches. I reviewed my accomplishments and certificates but did not have the 'lost in thought' blur in my mind as last year. I think I have spent a lot of time procrastinating in this manner by looking at my 'accomplishments' during times when I am confused at work with too many things to do. I guess blogging is a way for me to get a handle on my life with too much stimulation. I again borrowed a lot of DVDs and books last night and during the weekend. But I do not feel the same excitement like in the past when I open a new book or watch a movie. I feel that I should be doing 'real' things like bonding with my kids or writing my book.

I guess I spend too much time in leisure and I notice that my kids have the same fault. They are often playing video games, surfing the Internet, watching television or movies. On the other hand, I am eigther reading a book, watching movies or surfing the Internet. My kids are following me so I often do these tasks in the early morning when everyone is still asleep. The move to the new office will be different with a way of life that is more laid back and practical. I think I should plan for more excursions so my kids will be able to see new things and grow with this new experience. I pray I will be successful in moving them abroad and settling them in their new life.

Back to Work

I woke up early today at about 4am. I could not sleep and thought about the impending transfer. My thoughts where on my eldest son who is reluctant to move. He has already has some close friends and likes the life here in Singapore. But the rest of the family is keen on moving. I thought that he would do something foolish that will jeopardize the transfer. In the early morning hours, I realized that this would be the main obstacle in our move. My son spoke to me day ago in the Philippines when he said the he has decided and wants to stay. I feel a coolness in my neck as I realized that this is the first time my son and I faced a difficult decision affecting his life. I pray that it will not impact him for the rest of his life on the decision we take.

I realized at this point that this is what it finally means to be father. I was always aloof and flippant about my responsibilities towards my children. I always relied on my wife especially as she is a housewife while I am out working. But it's an unfair thought because I need to carry my share of responsibility. I felt that I have never provided the hard headed guidance that puts discipline into my children. Instead it was my wife who has instilled into them more sense and inspired discipline. On the other hand, I played the happy-go-lucky guy travelling abroad and doing projects because I was not required on the home front. Now my decision to move will affect the life of my sons at a significant point in their lives.

It is only now that I realize the extent or impact of my decision. So I got up from bed at about 5:30 am and started to work on my visa application. I wanted to complete the form weeks ago but I never had a chance. So tried to complete it as well as locate the needed documents to be sent with the application. I wasn't able to complete the form today but have done most of it. I will still need to scan the papers into a color scanner and convert to PDF as requested by the relocation staff. In fact I spent most of yesterday trying to fix the scanner in my son's computer. I also spent the weekend fixing my DVD movies for the impending shipment. Today I also was looking for a free tool to convert image files into PDF format because my scanner only creates image files. So most of my time since I got back is finally working on the completing the documentation.

After the return from our vacation, I started to think seriously of the move. I had thoughts on my possible colleagues, imagined encounters during future meetings and projects as well as thinking about my former colleagues who are now there. It will be a big change for me and I feel that it is best that one should not think about it. Instead one should just move forward and just do it instinctively. This will probably be one of the remaining lucky opportunities that I cannot miss in my life. I guess I am moving away again from my comfort zone although in the same job. As I filled the visa application form, I also reviewed my past job and responsibilities. As always, I again compared it to my previous colleague as a gauge if I am better qualified or not. I see that this is a pattern in my thinking: to imagine these silly episodes and try to second guess everything.

But I realize that life will be much simpler and without pretension. It will be an ideal life without the cynicism and decadence of modern city life. My challenge is to stay down to earth but also to keep our new life exciting to my children. I hope that they both can drive so they spend time exploring the place. This will be my goal to develop my kids: to increase their independence by increasing their skills in driving. I realize that I need to play a significant role in this stage. To be the more dominant player now instead of my wife. Yesterday I did this role again by bringing them to a new place in Singapore - the Marina Barrage. It was a nice place where we all had a chance to enjoy the outdoors and learn something new in the exhibit. I saw my sons speak a lot away from my wife and I. I suspect they were talking about the transfer and I think that my eldest son is trying to convince my younger son not to agree in the transfer.

In the evening, we had dinner at an old well-known restaurant that served Russian. We have Shashkli (or skewer) of chicken and lamb, hard-boiled eggs with bacon, borst soup and desserts of ice cream flambe with wine and orange liqueur and crepes cooked in wine and liqueur as well. It was a filling dinner and I think my family enjoyed the food. My eldest son left early to meet his friend in a party. I think I should not have asked the opinion of my son and instead should have lay down the law and said no discussions on the move. But I think it was important to ask his opinion and feelings, to give respect to his views. I hope I did the right thing because my wife and my dad feels that I may have made a mistake by raising the possibility that he can stay. I have crossed a threshold and realize that this is where the true difficulty will lie.

Back in Singapore

We left Manila in the late hours of 2008 and arrive back in Singapore in the early hours of 2009. We arrived in the airport at around 12:30 midnight and as the plane dropped from the skies we saw some fireworks below exploding in some parts of the city. It was a bright night with the moon and the city lights spread out beyond the waters of the straits as we descended into the airport. We finally got home at past 1am and to bed at about 2am. It was exhausting after spending about 9 days in the Philippines. My wife and kids had stayed about a week longer than me.

During the time we spent back home we were able to go to the beach at Anvaya cove in Bataan traveling there via the new SCTEX highway or the Subic-Clark-Tarlac Express way. It took about 2 hours to get there and we stopped at Jolibee after the Balintawak exit to have breakfast. The beach was great, clean with white sands. We had a good lunch of Crispy Pate, Kare-Kare, Kalderetang baka, and Pancit Canton. It was actually my birthday and I spent most of the time talking with my brother. I swam a few laps in the pool, went to the beach and lay a bit off the shore line with the waves gently lapping me, went back to the massage or Jacuzzi pool to relax on the water massage. We got back to home at about 10 pm after having dinner at Chow King. I was not hungry so I had ice cream.

During my stay, I usually start the day walking for about an hour listening to Murakami's book 'The Wild Sheep Chase'. I walk the nearby streets that I walked during my youth and took pictures. The streets near my ancestral home seem to be decaying, with old houses crumbling although there were a few new ones. But the streets seem more dirty than before with pot holes and electrical lines falling everywhere. But it's an exaggeration because there are pockets of prosperity with large gleaming houses in the suburbs near the commercial centers. I took pictures of the streets, the churches and the parks.

I also discovered a small but excellent museum near my ancestral home. It was a museum on the KKK - the revolutionary movement that fought the Spanish. It was ideally situated near the battle of Pinaglabanan, amidst the historic places nearby like the Church, old reservoir and ammunition depot. I was able to bring my family to see the museum. In the evening of that day, we went to a reunion at my cousin's place where we had beer, snails cooked in coconut juice, barbecued chicken entrails, steak, pork bellies and cake. It was a pleasant evening although I was tired and fell asleep during some moments.

I also visited my close friend from Singapore in his new condominium. I was a nice flat with good views over Mandaluyong and Pasig amidst the rising buildings. From this vantage point, it seemed like the country is progressing well. I also had a chance to go Taguig city - the rising new metropolis with it's new modern skyscrapers and commercial centers. I bought more books, took pictures and bought bottled tuyo or dried red herring that I love for breakfast. Looking around the modern building rising in this city I feel confident that the country is headed towards a bright future. Hopefully within my own or my children's lifetime.

Philippine Movies

I spent the past days in my home country watching movies and buying DVD movies and books. Being away for 7 years I missed the growth of Philippine independent cinema. Seems that a lot of new works have come up challenging the status quo. But the new artist are riding on the back of great artists like Lino Brocka and Peque Gallaga. I missed it because there is not much publicity in the world press.

The only recent news was the award given to the movie 'Himala', a film made 20 years ago I think. It has been voted the best South East Asian movie. I have often focused on the films of other countries like Thailand, Korea, China and Japan. I felt that the innovativeness of Philippine cinema has declined since the great output of directors like Brocka and Gallaga have ceased in late 80's. How wrong I was! The new generation of artists have pushed the envelope.

Yesterday I watched a good film called 'Baler' about an episode in the Philippine revolution of 1898-99. It's an above average movie that tells an interesting story in our past. I can't help but try to recover or regain my culture by watching these movies or buying books. I plan to buy the recent autobiography of the longest serving speaker of the House of Representatives. I bought Philippine movies like 'Tirador', 'Decada 70', 'Kaleida', 'Scorpio Night 2', 'Ang Bayaning 3rd World' as well as popular local songs in the 70's and 80's.

I bought this Filipiniana items because I think I will not have a chance to visit the country again for quite some time after I relocate. I hope my kids will have time to watch these movies or read these books to help them remember their home country. I had planned to go to the local museums with them during these trip but I think most museums will be closed. I tried to go to the Lopez Memorial Museum yesterday but it was closed. So I watched a movie instead, bought CDs and purchased the biography of the Philippine-Chinese tycoon John Gokongwei.

The Filipino Chinese community here in the Philippines do not have the same exposure like in Singapore. Immigrant Chinese communities are called 'Peranakan' but I think that the Filipino Chinese do not like to emphasis their Chinese-ness. Instead I think they prefer to be called Filipinos. I believe they have a strong sense of nation hood than the Chinese in Malaysia, Singapore and Indonesia. I think Thailand and the Philippines have the same situation where immigrant Chinese have assimilated well into the local communities.

I know that the assimilation has come at a price here in the Philippines. Historically, the Spanish have controlled the assimilation of Chinese immigrants into the country. These have resulted in a lot of local revolts. But the assimilation has been quite successful and I have noticed that most of the neighborhood stores in my youth where actually owned by Chinese. I have not noticed this distinct feeling until my stay in Singapore which have emphasized the 'Peranakan' phenomenon. But I think this may be intentional for various political reasons.