Virginia Creeper Trail

We arrived yesterday afternoon in Abington, Virginia and immediately biked into the trail. We biked for about 2 hours, along rolling hills, beside a rushing River, high above the trees, along green farmlands, crossing wonderful wooden bridges and thru small towns. The trail head at Abington had a small museum with old black and white photographs of the old stem engines that used to travel the trail, a glimpse into the long gone past of small towns, bustling railroads and a simple life that long ago existed.

The bike ride was exhilarating, traveling alongside tall trees and wonderful farmland, a chance to get away from the stress at work. My mind kept having thoughts of a fearful future at work, reliving the stressful meetings during the past weeks, of the anger and heartless comments made during meeting confrontation. Where has all the civility and kindness gone? As if one has plunged into a heartless future with no comfort to those like me who struggle and need help at work, having difficulty adjusting the increasing demands of work.

I decided to step aside from my role to remove the tension and concern in the current projects. I thought it was the best choice instead of digging in and  fighting it out. There is no salvation or redemption in this situation like in the movies where the lone underdog battles the powers that be. Instead, a thankless battle of silliness and pettiness. Instead, I did the smart thing and leave the field of battle to the fools that remain to fight their illusions. I prefer to focus on the things that matter to me and my future with the years left in my working career.

The bike ride in the wonderful countryside allowed me to enjoy nature and relieve the anxiety of this recent moments though I have calmly weathered them but not succumbing to overthinking which I still tend to do. My daily meditation, Tai Chi and exercise kept me sane and grounded. Writing also help with gratitude journals. The purpose of this blog still remains as I work through my work experiences with writing a welcome antidote to stress.

Office Strategy

It's clear that the objective of the boss lady is getting the team to provide information that she can supply to the management whenever needed. Despite my initial reactions to this selfish motive to look good, one can see that this is the normal way most bosses work. Get on with it. I guess the use of modern tools like Teams does look like it is an innovative way of working. On the other hand, the attempt does not really help the team on the ground in terms of how their work can be simplified and made more efficient.

Motivation determines the character of the person and the objective to look good as the primary goal deprives any real effort to improve the way the group works. I guess that is my job as a team leader. My only fear in this drive to look good is to throw our people under the bus where the boss lady points fingers at the inefficient staff when she really does not provide any leadership. In effect, the main role is to be a messenger,i.e. the mailman as if the purveyor of new information indicates leadership but only being the town crier.

Such silliness requires me to exert myself and be visible because the boss lady will just keep blaming her team if anything goes wrong instead of accepting responsibility. I am guilty of succumbing to such office trivialities but in another way, it is the game and how one plays in the arena of the office. Hence the need to craft some strategy to navigate and excel in the politics and jockeying of position.  Fortunately, I like to plot strategy and think of the long game which is a result of my overthinking and rumination.

Ultimately, I should shift my mental energies away from office politics towards creative writing. My mind is spent in too much rumination and daydreaming when one can channel these thoughts churning activity into writing a novel. Is it too late .? Writers like Ian Fleming or Roal Dahl have strayed into the novelist life late in their careers and such is the plan to do the same. My attempts on having the working environment and tools ready will bear fruition once this shift is completed.

Frictionless Effort

My attempts to just write without friction by choosing a cloud app such as apple notes, and making the tool available on my phone, iPad, laptop, and computers have done nothing to achieve my goal. Instead, I daydream of wiring, and with topics in my mind, I see myself working along without any hindrance or thoughts. Hence one does not think to be a writer but just be. Story of my life as the only outlet for creative writing is my blog.

Same story for my work where I stop myself from letting go and just being. But I do better at work except when I need to plan such as setting up meetings and scheduling work. I am stuck in a groove until the deadline comes and I am forced to act. It is my new role and I am not used to the activities that I need to do as squad leader. Instead, I languish and have tiny doubts, where I overthink and procrastinate instead of just going forward following my gut.

My long experience and introspective life allow me to be more instructive and follow my own inclination which often ends up right; even on the actions that I fail to do but dream doing it and events turn out the way they should not have if I have done what I thought I needed to do. For sure I am at a different level as a scrum master when in the past, I was a project manager where both are not the same roles though some misguided agile coach in the office would disagree.

I am in absurd times; lurking in the shadows though I have achieved a certain level of respect and renown which is what a long career does bring you. I have perhaps 3 - 7 years of work left in me that I can only play by living in the moment and avoiding overthinking and procrastination and doubt; to live like a rebel by not being what other people expect me to be: an old curmudgeon who is past his prime; lingering until his retirement.

Instead, one must be a rebel in the manner of Albert Camus; fight against convention and be true to your life's meaning. This is the only way one could avoid overthinking and procrastination.  I spent time in my last season of vacation learning new concepts such as Building a Second Brain and learning new products and tools which will keep in the game once I master them.

        Do not go gentle into that good night,
        Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
        Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Year of the Rabbit

2023 is my year which portends good fortune. Yesterday was not one of those as I had a painful toothache, fumbling at a meeting that could have been a disaster, and some late responses to seemingly urgent chat requests. Throbbing pain in my tooth clearly took me off my stride with relief only coming today after 2 or 3 days of pain during a week of intense work of sprint demo, sprint planning, backlog refinement, and budget re-forecasting. Several other events kept springing up and I managed to complete most in a good way.

I worry about everything: the tasks I feel I should do, my relationship with my workmates and my friend, and my immediate manager. My suspicious mind keeps churning out nightmare scenarios despite my daily attempts at Tai Chi and meditation to silence the mind. The environment is also not conducive to smooth work such as 'hoteling' which requires me to book a desk every time I go to the office. This situation will soon be a thing of the past, just like the pandemic, when we will have our own cubicles.

In the management meeting on Friday, there was a moment when my manager was revealed not to have shared important information with me; an attitude that I have noticed for a while now. I just don't know if it is deliberate to make me look bad, or due to anger ( being friends) to my often acerbic attitude and criticism, or just plain honest forgetfulness. I fear that it is the first 2 reasons: deliberately not sharing information due to insecurity in providing me an advantage and also payback to my constant criticism.

I admit that I am a prickly person due to my age, self-righteousness, and feeling of superiority that I bring this reaction upon myself. I am the crusty old curmudgeon, a relic of the past just like the venerable Tom Keene in Bloomberg. But there is too much work to do now that our squad had increased by 3 people last month, bringing up the total to 12 members. I am growing in this role and took time to attend training courses on 'AGILE' methodology which I did not have last year. 

Hence, the feeling of ill will and suspicion, that I am being set up to fail, the resentment that I am not being supported. But this is getting to be the same old story like a broken record that keeps repeating itself. I have to get on with work and move on. Perhaps my horoscope portends good tidings as the stars are aligned my way to increase my chances of success. Finally, I do feel I am a new person after overcoming the challenges of last year.

SCRUM Bag

I am a SCRUM bag which is an insult considering I was not trained in this role when I took the post. Being set up to fail to seem to be the norm in my case, perhaps because of my arrogant and know-it-all attitude that I get thrown into the deep end to fend for myself. No primrose path for me as my first boss told me. In fact, I was headed for disaster on day one when I came over and the current circumstances are just par for the course; back to surviving on my wits which really is the norm for any immigrant coming over to the new world.

Last week I learned that SCRUM is the methodology one uses to 'implement' Agile practices. I was familiar with the ceremonies and rituals as a squad member but not as a squad lead so I was winging it; copying the steps of my predecessor without knowledge of the underlying theory. Now I know better and my ignorance on the technical side of it makes it astounding that I lasted this long with my diminishing grit and experience. IBM network courses are a lifesaver for me and the other Coursera courses. In fact, I was only paying lip service to the theory.

Grooming the backlog is the crucial step we missed together with the product owner who also does not have a clue. The use of story points, pipelines, or swimlanes such as inbox and the cooler prior to the product backlog is an eye-opener for me. JIRA tool used in the office does away with this preliminary step; going directly to the Product Backlog though this is likely due to the old version of the tool. The Coursera courses utilize ZenHub and Gitlub which offers a fresh perspective on the SCRUM process.

Last night we watched Babylon - a 3-hour movie extravaganza of 1920-30 Hollywood which I thoroughly enjoyed. Waking early in the morning to read the biographies of silent-era movie stars who had trouble adjusting to the new Hollywood of sound in pictures. I had a brief inkling of being one of those fading movie stars who had trouble adjusting to the new reality. I am in the same situation of learning these new tools to survive in the modern workplace of interconnectivity, collaboration, and accelerated work in a lean and agile world.

It is easy to succumb to booze, drugs, and other distraction instead of learning new skills which some of the real-life silent stars tried to do. But I have done this shift many times before, such as writing this blog 20 years ago to learn the new technology.  I have to make another leap not only to learn new tools but in new ways of working; first as a squad member and then as a squad leader. It is a new world and the mind opens up so many avenues that one get gets lost in the different paths ahead. Don't be a SCRUM bag!

Home Alone

 Yesterday I seemed to be the only one at work with the group calendar showing most of the folks OOO - out of the office. Some are out of state enjoying their vacation. Most will be coming back at the start of the new year. I decided to stay or rather had no plans to travel out of state. Instead, I decided to stay home and do some work attend, online training, catch up on work and strategize for the coming year. 2022 had been a wild ride for me with my new role and I often seemed overwhelmed.

There is too much to learn and I started an online course on Agile and scrum made by the IBM network. I know most of the concepts but never in this manner. I did not have any training in my new role as scrum master and the training said this is the first mistake that companies make by not providing training to new people who come on board like me. In most cases, the thinking is that project managers can automatically become scrum masters and the biggest mistake is to adapt 'waterfall' methods to lean and agile sprints.

I did attend the lean and agiler journey but as a team member not as a scrum master. So I have a good understanding of the agile process but not as a squad leader. So the training is a good refresher. I am also attending short pieces of training on JIRA which is the tool used in our company. However, I get to use new tools like ZenHub and GitHub instead of JIRA. This is a refreshing change as gives another viewpoint on the process. One of the main concepts is kanban which is a technique to visualize work externally via visual cards. The use of dashboards and pipelines or swimlanes in these tools are good illustrations of the external mind.

I know I have to ramp up my skills with new thinking and methods and these training help me (because of a lack of a training plan due to the negligence of my superiors). I feel I am left on my own and to survive on my wits. Hence, I decided to spend my holiday vacation reflecting, learning new concepts, and trying out new techniques such as building a second brain and applying these new concepts using new tools like Notion and increasing my knowledge on MS suites like Teams, To DO, and Planner.

I started new meeting initiatives which also use planner dashboards that apply concepts like the external mind and second brain. There are also new thinking in my field that I need to ramp up on such as DevOps, Cloud computing, velocity, and cycle time. Being a squad leader also requires a different mindset ( following Agile philosophy) by applying the scrum process. One needs to be more of a coach and influencer rather than a manager. An entirely different role as compared to my former role as project manager. This is the paradigm shift.

From a biological point of view, I am learning to juggle, meditate, and be more mindful of my work methods and procrastination. My emotional reaction and mental bias and reactivity often take me to the wrong path so the challenge is to re-learn or replace my old mental models. This feels like a new world for me; a voyage of discovery has begun where I need to leave my mind and my mental rumination. In fact, I am trying too many things now that my mind has been opened.

The main challenge is really to focus instead on my usual scatter brain and opening up too much to new avenues that result in distraction and procrastination. This journey of self-control and focus will help me in my quest to be a novelist and entrepreneur. This is in preparation for my new career after I retire. There is too much to learn with all the available materials out there on youtube and online courses like Courserz. I plan to attend Google's digital marketing course and also several IBM courses.

Meditation Blues

Meditation and mindfulness exercises help a certain type of individual except for those who are prone to rumination and overthinking. Although the act does try to increase one's awareness of thought bubbles, after meditation the mind does go back to its circular thinking patterns if one does not consciously focus or recognize the mind has settled back into its usual process like a hand into a glove. One does brings attention to this predicament and tries to get out of the hole again.

Rumination swerves quickly to anxiety and worry that the next act is procrastination and distraction. Mediation does make one conscious of the thought bubbles but the result seems to be more procrastination; avoiding the work that one needs to do. This is another dilemma that compounds one's mental balance with the internet lurking in the background with its incessant feed and TikTok videos. One would think that meditation will make one more conscious of addictions but the inevitable effect is succumbing to distraction again.

This week was eventful with the supervisor away for another week due to covid though formally back to work though keeping a low profile. The movie star business leader is off making good progress with our help though our team was also busy completing the sprint demo and sprint planning for the next cycle of work. My mind dreads both the supervisor for her seeming feeling of superiority and the business needs leader's youthful drive to slay inefficiencies where ever he finds them. Both contribute to a slight tinge of worry which my mind always ruminates on.

In the meantime, I struggle in my own wheelhouse with my own thoughts of inadequacy and shortcomings. After each sprint is a retrospective where the squad gives their feedback on what went well, what did not, and what needs improvement.  As a squad leader, one needs to have a thick skin and roll with the punches, and avoid ruminating that one is inadequate. One soldier along with some victories such as the CSD meetings which one has initiated to try new tools.

But the onslaught of work, new information, and request keep coming into one's mental space. Active attempts to increase one's capacity via additional monitors, better work area, new techniques like building a better brain, and yes, meditation, tai chi, and exercise do continue. Sometimes it feels like a constant battle; to keep abreast of things and stay relevant and lead despite one rumination that all are against him with the silence of the supervisor which is either a lack of leadership that one is setting me up to fail. Or the onslaught of the business side who forever moves ahead for business efficiency; showing the squad's shortcomings and lack of initiative.

The answer is grace under pressure, to move like water instead of being an immovable mountain. Hence, back to meditation and mindfulness.  To be flexible and to continue increasing one's skills. Introspection and mind dump via journaling to express and re-frame one's experience is also important. Last week was another busy week in which we successfully completed our sprint, started a new one, and kept with the numerous meetings, chats, and email replies despite lack of sleep and lurking anxiety and procrastination.