Meditation Blues

Meditation and mindfulness exercises help a certain type of individual except for those who are prone to rumination and overthinking. Although the act does try to increase one's awareness of thought bubbles, after meditation the mind does go back to its circular thinking patterns if one does not consciously focus or recognize the mind has settled back into its usual process like a hand into a glove. One does brings attention to this predicament and tries to get out of the hole again.

Rumination swerves quickly to anxiety and worry that the next act is procrastination and distraction. Mediation does make one conscious of the thought bubbles but the result seems to be more procrastination; avoiding the work that one needs to do. This is another dilemma that compounds one's mental balance with the internet lurking in the background with its incessant feed and TikTok videos. One would think that meditation will make one more conscious of addictions but the inevitable effect is succumbing to distraction again.

This week was eventful with the supervisor away for another week due to covid though formally back to work though keeping a low profile. The movie star business leader is off making good progress with our help though our team was also busy completing the sprint demo and sprint planning for the next cycle of work. My mind dreads both the supervisor for her seeming feeling of superiority and the business needs leader's youthful drive to slay inefficiencies where ever he finds them. Both contribute to a slight tinge of worry which my mind always ruminates on.

In the meantime, I struggle in my own wheelhouse with my own thoughts of inadequacy and shortcomings. After each sprint is a retrospective where the squad gives their feedback on what went well, what did not, and what needs improvement.  As a squad leader, one needs to have a thick skin and roll with the punches, and avoid ruminating that one is inadequate. One soldier along with some victories such as the CSD meetings which one has initiated to try new tools.

But the onslaught of work, new information, and request keep coming into one's mental space. Active attempts to increase one's capacity via additional monitors, better work area, new techniques like building a better brain, and yes, meditation, tai chi, and exercise do continue. Sometimes it feels like a constant battle; to keep abreast of things and stay relevant and lead despite one rumination that all are against him with the silence of the supervisor which is either a lack of leadership that one is setting me up to fail. Or the onslaught of the business side who forever moves ahead for business efficiency; showing the squad's shortcomings and lack of initiative.

The answer is grace under pressure, to move like water instead of being an immovable mountain. Hence, back to meditation and mindfulness.  To be flexible and to continue increasing one's skills. Introspection and mind dump via journaling to express and re-frame one's experience is also important. Last week was another busy week in which we successfully completed our sprint, started a new one, and kept with the numerous meetings, chats, and email replies despite lack of sleep and lurking anxiety and procrastination.