For the past several weeks, my wife and I are watching the detective series 'Vera', set in the North Cumberland locale of England. She reminds me at times of my grandmother who had the same set of driving discipline though she was a teacher and not a Detective Chief Inspector. We watch the show in our bedroom projected out to a 95 inch screen, giving an immersive experience. Watching made us forget the things that were giving us anxiety in the recent days: cancer surgery and changes at work. But last night, the show reminded me again of grandma and her inspiration to face my troubles aside letting me forget them.
My main fear is really shame, to face people in the office, my friends and colleagues with the spectacle of my failure. It is not really the loss of my position but the loss of face. Deep down I realize that this maybe the best thing that has happened to me; to be relieved of a role that I no longer felt challenged and excited about. I was just just drifting, waiting for a disaster to happen, and to improvise my way out of problems. Frankly, I no longer cared about my job despite my ability to keep delivering as best I can, often late, the requirements needed by business.
I really should be jumping for joy despite the initial shock which was really because I did not see it coming, working through my recent troubles and work load. It was really the inevitable result after all the discussion with my boss, exchange of emails and frequent quest for a new role via the application system. But I had cold feet to see it through the end. Now the kick in the butt may just be what I need to move me forward. In fact, I was warned already by my former boss early last year, who herself was transferred to a another position, relieving her of her responsibility in our department.
So it goes, as Kurt Vonnegut writes in 'Slaughterhouse Five'. A book I was reading this weekend. I also read a book on Edvard Munch and his painting 'The Scream' which is something that I feel like doing with my present predicament; to scream my despair which is all in my mind ( fear of shame). I yearn for the simple days when I was growing up under the welcome embrace of grandma, when life was simple. So it goes. The important thing is to show up and go on living, to sweep away the anxiety and fear and look at the situation straight in the face. Not to accept defeat which is not the intention of the change but to adapt to the new. So it goes.
My main fear is really shame, to face people in the office, my friends and colleagues with the spectacle of my failure. It is not really the loss of my position but the loss of face. Deep down I realize that this maybe the best thing that has happened to me; to be relieved of a role that I no longer felt challenged and excited about. I was just just drifting, waiting for a disaster to happen, and to improvise my way out of problems. Frankly, I no longer cared about my job despite my ability to keep delivering as best I can, often late, the requirements needed by business.
I really should be jumping for joy despite the initial shock which was really because I did not see it coming, working through my recent troubles and work load. It was really the inevitable result after all the discussion with my boss, exchange of emails and frequent quest for a new role via the application system. But I had cold feet to see it through the end. Now the kick in the butt may just be what I need to move me forward. In fact, I was warned already by my former boss early last year, who herself was transferred to a another position, relieving her of her responsibility in our department.
So it goes, as Kurt Vonnegut writes in 'Slaughterhouse Five'. A book I was reading this weekend. I also read a book on Edvard Munch and his painting 'The Scream' which is something that I feel like doing with my present predicament; to scream my despair which is all in my mind ( fear of shame). I yearn for the simple days when I was growing up under the welcome embrace of grandma, when life was simple. So it goes. The important thing is to show up and go on living, to sweep away the anxiety and fear and look at the situation straight in the face. Not to accept defeat which is not the intention of the change but to adapt to the new. So it goes.
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