Last Monday I spoke with my new boss. I wanted to find out if I am still in the good graces of the team. The answer was 'yes' so one could breath easy. I slept well that night, more than 7 hours according to my health app. I wore a fleece jacket over my shirt, fleece pajamas and socks, sleeping under a fleece blanket and comforter. For some reason, I did not feel hot despite my abundance of cover. The temperature did not seem to be any more colder than the previous day. I woke up early the next day, refreshed and ready for work.
The first day was really difficult for me after the weekend, with my mind spinning with thoughts of shame. I did not attend the Monday morning stand-up, instead, I went down to the canteen, bought apple juice and walked along the corridors and stair well waiting for the meeting to end before going back to my cubicle. It was a sad and pitiful sight as I wondered about my future. Meeting the boss before noon and clearing the air was a welcome relief. During lunch time, I went to the gym to swim, soak in the hot tub and steam room before heading back to work.
I wrote to my career counselor that day and still have not received her reply. My mind again started to go into overdrive, where I questioned my self, if I had a right to sending that email. Maybe I should just curl up into a ball and accept whatever fate befalls me. But I have a right to choose my future, perhaps moving to other domains for a different role instead of accepting what is given me. This is democracy after all and I need to explore other options in case my new role does not pan out as expected. But deep down I feel that the team has my back, and I could rely on them to keep me working.
Last night I enrolled into some courses; online training on programming so I can start building my skills again. Sad that I find myself in the same situation after more than a decade. I started this blog to write away my churning thoughts and fears while learning new skills like blogging. There was a reorganization also underway at that time in Singapore and my blog entries helped me keep my sanity. Many year later, I again find myself in the same stressful situation and I am much older, my age creeping up to me. This is the sad reality of capitalism with creative destruction making it's way for the new world to emerge.
The first day was really difficult for me after the weekend, with my mind spinning with thoughts of shame. I did not attend the Monday morning stand-up, instead, I went down to the canteen, bought apple juice and walked along the corridors and stair well waiting for the meeting to end before going back to my cubicle. It was a sad and pitiful sight as I wondered about my future. Meeting the boss before noon and clearing the air was a welcome relief. During lunch time, I went to the gym to swim, soak in the hot tub and steam room before heading back to work.
I wrote to my career counselor that day and still have not received her reply. My mind again started to go into overdrive, where I questioned my self, if I had a right to sending that email. Maybe I should just curl up into a ball and accept whatever fate befalls me. But I have a right to choose my future, perhaps moving to other domains for a different role instead of accepting what is given me. This is democracy after all and I need to explore other options in case my new role does not pan out as expected. But deep down I feel that the team has my back, and I could rely on them to keep me working.
Last night I enrolled into some courses; online training on programming so I can start building my skills again. Sad that I find myself in the same situation after more than a decade. I started this blog to write away my churning thoughts and fears while learning new skills like blogging. There was a reorganization also underway at that time in Singapore and my blog entries helped me keep my sanity. Many year later, I again find myself in the same stressful situation and I am much older, my age creeping up to me. This is the sad reality of capitalism with creative destruction making it's way for the new world to emerge.
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