At the airport at 7am

I am waiting for my flight which will be boarding soon. Last night my sister was at my home. She is here on business and will be departing tomorrow. I invited my cousin over for dinner. We had chili crabs, stingray, chicken, almond cake and chocolate Rocco cake. I had brandy before dinner and made me less sociable. I did not have enough time to talk to my guests because I was thinking about my trip. I was in a rush to complete many things before my departure.

I rushed to read my books so I can return them to the library, watched 2 DVD movies, went roller blading and swimming in the afternoon. In consequence, I was not able to go to mass because I went to the library to borrow my next set of books. So when my guests arrived I was a bit tired from all these rush of things. I realize that pressure and stress sometime come from your own self. It is this perceived idea that I keep on doing this things. Setting an imaginary goal to achieve by reading many books and watching movies and exercising. To keep me up to date.

In fact I was doing 2 things at the same time. Watching DVD movies while blogging and mind mapping. I did not provide quality time in watching the movies. Both were good movies and I did not have the proper attention. Instead it was divided to my other activities. Why did I borrow these films when I knew I would not be able to watch them with proper attention? I felt like being a glutton which is a sin in the old days. I just wanted to feel the achievement of having borrowed these notable films and being able to say I watched them even though from the periphery.

It's all internally set goals that prevent me on focusing on my true priorities. For example, my priority yesterday should have been with my sister who was here on a visit. I should have shown the proper respect and attention. To talk about how things where back home. But instead my mind was filled with many trivial thoughts and goals. This is really my problem. I seem to lose the correct perspective on things and insist on my own point of view. I should take my attention away from books and look at the real situation on hand.

In China, based on the article I read yesterday, students get elected in their school elections if they show self criticism. I think that is a good way to do self reflection. I guess blogging and talking about myself in this way helps to reflect about my problems. Self-criticism I think had it's roots in Mao's communist movement. I think it's the only way to manage a huge country by asking it's citizens to reflect on their personal flaws. To know thyself is the first step as mentioned by the Greeks and the Chinese 'Art of War'. I guess that is also the goal on why I write here. To better myself.

Blogging as an exercise

I still cannot write my novel but I now know why. Instead I blog to keep practicing my skill in writing and self expression. Still not enough to be a novelist. I just finished reading the book 'Write' and I plan to use the tools and tricks like letting my left and write brain communicate with each other. A strange theory but maybe worth trying. Lately, the books that I have been reading is not about the art of writing but more on the psychological side. This maybe more important than the craft of writing. If one has a good 'sense of self' or 'mature psychology' then mastering the craft of writing is easier.

My flight to China is at 8am tomorrow. I am reading an old National Geographic issue which features China. A good and easy way to keep in touch of developments in the country. It's really a modern country now like Singapore and no longer a communist state. I watched the film version of Ernest Hemingway's 'The Sun Also Rises.' I think it is a good adaptation of the book. By it's own merits, I think it is a classic film with good performances by Tyrone Power, Ava Gardner and Errol Flynn. It captures the mood of Paris, France and Pamplona, Spain in a distinctive era after World War I.

I am starting to feel a slight regret about my mail sent out last Thursday asking about the overseas offer. It shows that I think too much - a person who worries too much. This is a bad habit of mine to always regret something that I have done despite devoting some thought on the act. I hope to get a reply next week when I am in China. It will be an interesting time next week with out the business project leader. It's a pity that she could not go. It will be much colder and I think me and my colleague will have a fun though challenging time.

I believe that the act of maturity is to think less. I always feel nervous when faced with people who are more relaxed and in control of their temperament. My difficulty or perceived difficulty in life is my emotional nature. This is what is actually preventing me from being a novelist. My right brain is too active and I should let my left brain provide more control. The book provides some interesting tools like meditation, yoga and other such tricks to allow me to control my right brain emotions and let my left brain take charge. This will prevent me from taking the flight approach (instead of the fight or write approach). Perhaps I persist in focusing on my right emotional brain by doing things like blogging and letting my emotions run wild. But it is also by journal writing that I keep control of my temperament by writing it all out.

Strange that I now have this perspective of analysing my left and right brain and it's in relation to my progress as a novelist. First it was the focus on my relationships and immersions into creativity. Now it is the left and right brain, inner dialogue and the writing process as a project. A lot of theories to help me understand the work that needs to be done. But I realize all these are helpful and I hope to internalize it and when I do, I think it will be an effortless activity. It is like any other skill that I try to acquire this year like playing the guitar, roller-blading and public speaking.

Off to China

I spend to much time in meetings these days. Meetings about new procedures, about problems, about new tools and what have you. Almost all the managers spend their time in meetings. Now I know why things don't get done. I always read about wasting time in meetings and I now realize why although maybe useful if done well. I guess that is how executives in the top rungs like to spend their time at their level. For me, I always like to get my hand's dirty and be an operations guy. But as one grows old, I guess one cannot help it but 'progress' into meeting mode.

I realize there is a special skill needed in meetings. One should have good communication ability and a take charge attitude. I think I can like participating in these meetings. The trick is to find the loop hole or gap and charge in. It's like looking for the enemy's weakness and going into the gap and exploiting the weakness. The weapons are verbal thrusts and parry to defeat the enemy through words and clever maneuver. Often time, when one runs out of tactics, the person makes up by raising his voice, creating a scene and repeating the other mistakes in an attempt to cover his empty armory. But this is a game that one should inevitably master.

I will be leaving for China on Sunday. The business project leader will be unable to make it due to the closure of the Bangkok airports. I hope the airports open soon so she can participate. It's a nightmare that this situation is unfolding in Thailand. It's really chaos and the rule of the mob. Democracy in all it's implications and responsibilities have not really seeped in I think like in most Asian countries. The principles of Jeffersonian democracy requires a rare maturity. Only the USA seems to have achieved this goal. But I suspect some hidden hand possibly due to royal politics coming to a head in anticipation of the departure of the revered king.

Last night, I wrote to my overseas controllers asking about news. A reply will come much later due to their holidays. I feel that I should keep the communication going; showing a positive, eager and enthusiastic side. I can't help but feel that I am like a beggar requesting for some scraps of food. But sometimes I am at the other extreme; thinking that they should exert more effort to try and woo me. But as usual I think to much. I can't help it because it's a dream that is coming true and I can't help feeling that one will always be disappointed in life. I realize though that going there will really be that start of a pleasant struggle because life is not as easy as compared here. But I now know that life can really be simple and easy where one can achieve one's dreams as long as one can control his passions and urges.

Economic Crisis

Now that I have a firm offer to transfer overseas, the economic crisis comes along to mess things up. Like most companies, a memo has been issued that some production slow downs are planned as well as technical lay offs in Europe and USA. I begin to fear that my prospects for transfer will be imperiled. It's a fear only without corroboration from personnel. I plan to write to them and raise the question. But I think it will not be cancelled but only delayed due to the retirement of a lot of employees. I just wonder if the government will be amenable to hire foreign talents despite the unemployment problem.

But I think the economic crises due to a slow down in housing and consumption can be fixed by a significant increase in immigration. Opening the borders will allow new immigrants with money to come and start spending. The backlog of houses can be cleared once immigration is relaxed. Perhaps a political issue but nevertheless a possible solution to the crises. Let the world's hungry and desperate masses come to the new world and solve it's problem. It's been done before many times and will make the economy more diverse and strong I think.

I think that the boss's man project will also need people and I can work there in case my transfer is delayed. I am still working on my project which is still proceeding at least until the end of next year. I will be leaving for China next week to start the training. We will be preassured in the coming months with the deployment. We are quite busy and I think it will take a lot of time. It's only now working with outsource agents that I now understand the new procedures. It's all about documentation and I am going deeper into the use of the PPM tool. I hope that I get to use all these new knowledge and experience in my overseas assignment.

I am keen to go to China and meet my team mate from head office. The last time we met was in Thailand where we deployed the application. It was a fun time and we enjoyed ourselves buying some 'fake' goods. I hope to finish reading all the books that I borrowed though I know that I will bring some with me. I am listening to Perez-Reverte's excellent book 'The Painter of Battles'. I feel he is at the cutting edge of novelists; creating a new genre of books that speak about painting, war, photography and European history. It's a mix that is unique and exhilarating like no one has ever combined this heady mixture before.

Writing as a Process

I mind mapped the book 'Write' which I already read in the past. A lot of interesting techniques particularly in using the left and right side of the brain. It's an interesting book that provides some tricks depending on the state of your brain. It also has some interesting insights on the nervous system. The author calls it the 'write or flight' response. During my past attempts I always go to the 'flight' response. I did not know how to handle those moments of anxiety due to the pressure to write the novel.

The book describes writing as a process rather that a product. So one should not focus on the product which is a novel or book but in the process of writing. There are many stages of writing which one can focus on such as pre-writing, writing, gathering notes, revising, etc. I always seem to focus on the writing part and that's what gives me stress. So if I am not really 'writing' or creating sentences than I don't feel like I am working. But in fact gathering notes, researching, pre-writing and revising are also part of the 'writing process'. So I don't need to be actually 'writing sentences' to be a writer. The lesson is to be an expert in the process and not only on the 'writing' task.

There are a lot of tables, questions, to do lists and templates in the book. I thought it looked like a book of tricks to me like a parlor game and not a serious guide on writing. But then I found myself unable to write the novel like Hemingway in perhaps the so-called 'classic' way. I find that there are lots of tricks and techniques that one should master in order to complete a writing project. Hence, completing a book does not just involve the core task of writing. It involves a whole range of tools, techniques and mind-sets to get the job done. The best description is a 'writing project' instead of writing a book because 'writing' is not just the task needed.

The mind map provides me with an easy summary or reference to get the lessons and tips right away. I think it will be useful because there are so many moods that one feels during the course of the day that one should apply the appropriate tool depending on the situation. Mind map is a good tool for referencing the different writing tricks. Determining the right writing tool to use is also the difficult part. But first one should get used to the idea that writing is a process before one does the actual crafting of sentences.

Initialy the only writing objective is to complete a SFD or 'shitty first draft' without concern on the quality.

Writing for Healing

These days are again very hectic. The project office has scheduled a crash course on our PPM tool. Actually a refresher course but too much information I think to absorb in a short 2 day session. I could not attend both days full time due to the work I need to do for my projects. I was only able to attend a few hours today. I got into an argument with the project office head because he insisted that we resolve all the data quality issues in the coming 2 weeks. Everyone is rushing to complete their projects as the year ends and project office is rushing to improve the data quality of the PPM tool which is his project.

This afternoon I had a phone conference with the IBM team on my project. The project head is a former colleague who has transferred to IBM. I am glad to work with her because at least we understand each other. The team is quite new and I am not happy with the response as I think it's quite slow. Nevertheless, I think that I need to be patient because I have to establish a good rapport with the team. I hope to have access to the environment because it will be helpful to resolve problems in the future. But under the new rules only IBM has access. So this will be a problem and user satisfaction will suffer if we don't have access.

The only way is to establish a close rapport via interpersonal interaction. This is the way it's done in the Europe office and I hope to establish the same in the local zone. I am not happy with the way we are required to follow the new rules. I always have diffculty adjusting to new procedures or new bosses. But the resentment is not as strong as before. I think I have mellowed down and controlled my impulses. The trick is to keep cool and focus on the activity at hand. I always lose my focus and attention due to the distractions that I allow myself to indulge in. It's the same thing with my writing when I cannot focus on the task at hand.

I borrowed a book again called 'Write. 10 Days to Overcome Writer's Block. Period.' I borrowed it before but thought otherwise when I reserved the book online. I was looking for another book about writing and the title caught my attention. In fact it's a good book but I did not appreciate it when I first read it in the past. Now after my reflections and recent reading on writing, I now appreciate the lessons it's trying to impart. Like the previous book on writing that I have just finished, the author is a PhD. A psychologist and writer who can talk about different sides of writing.

The author also spoke about writing as a therapeutic activity. She mentioned books with titles like 'The Writing Cure' or 'Writing to Heal'. I remember that in my first journal I wrote the following title 'My Therapeutic Diary' where I recognized the healing effect of journal writing. I realized only now that the medical profession has recognized this effect of journal writing. So I have been journal writing for many years to cure my stress and heal myself of traumas. Hence, it's a good activity for self transformation and self knowledge. Since I have been doing it for many years, the impact was not really to improve my writing skills but to reduce stress. I now wonder if I have been living a stressful life or is it just me.

Now the challenge is to move from a writing experience derived from a stressful existence and self-understanding to a more formalized writing process. The main activity is self-expression and I should use this core benefit to move towards being a novelist. So I write for therapy and not as a novelist. So I write to heal instead of writing for profit. So the motivation is really different for both instances. So perhaps that is why I flounder when writing a novel. There is no therapeutic effect; no release because it feels like work. Hence, there is no feeling of exhilaration. So this is the challenge for me when I try to be a novelist to find that feeling of exhilaration derived not from therapy but from a pure expression.

Milestone Meeting

We passed the milestone meeting for the China project this afternoon. I attended the meeting with my regional CIO in his office. The attendees where people from Thailand and China (specifically from Shanghai and Laioning office). After the meeting, I updated my CIO on the offer to work overseas. It was a nice chat and he suggested some tips. I told him my challenges on the transfer and he offered some advice. He was very supportive and he offered to help if I need it. It was a nice conversation and I appreciated the gesture. He is actually a nice person and I had a lot of preconceptions about him. I guess that's the problem of second-guessing.

Before the milestone meeting, I had a pre-audit session with the head of the project office in the morning. I also briefed the CIO prior to the milestone meeting during the same time. Both went well and a good practice for the actual meeting. I spoke a lot to explain the details and a good way to inform and publicize the progress of the project. I felt that these type of sessions are not useful but I should not knock it because verbal communication serves a very subtle process. Certain activities are beyond my sight and may be initiated because of these discussions. It was a bit intense with the meeting with the project office. But I like the guy as he's just doing his work.

I will be in China next week for the training. I will be with my close colleague from France who is helping me in this project. He is a good guy and I would not have survived without his help. It will be an interesting week and will play a large role in the training. Like today's activities, it will be successful despite my worries. I had a lot of doubts and thoughts on my mind about the meeting today but realized most of these doubts are unfounded. It's the constant thinking that will distort the logical progression of ideas. I never learn and persist in thinking to much.

The weekend was eventful: meeting my cousin, going to 'baptismal' party, roller-blading, guitar lessons and watching 2 DVD movies and reading books. I did not have a chance to swim on Sunday because it was raining. I had too much to read and watch movies that I did not have a chance to write. There is a burning desire for me to write but I don't seem to have the time or the strong urge or motivation. Sometimes I think that my age will ultimately prevent me from writing any books. The decline of memory and purpose will eventually do me in.

On this subject, I read a short article from the Oprah website. It says that being distracted is in fact a loss of focus and attention. The mind as it ages cannot focus on the thing at hand because of the myriad distracting activities that divert one's attention. I agree but I realize that to allow oneself to be distracted is a conscious act. Hence, being diverted is a form of procrastination but for creative tasks is in fact a 'disengagement from immersion' as one is not truly ready. So I guess I have to continue reading about being a novelist to learn the techniques. This is the lesson of my procrastination I think.