TM Meeting Last Night

Last night I presented my advance speech on conversation. I think it went very well despite feeling uneasy prior to the meeting. My preparations was enough for me to speak well though I did not prepare as much as my past speeches. I guess it's a measure of my improvement in public speaking. During the speech project there was a short role play session and my friend, the club president kindly helped me. During the role play, I thought that I was not doing well because I was not presenting a speech but reacting to another person. Despite some awkward moments, I think the session ended well.

We experimented with a new change from previous practice by trying a group evaluation instead of a single evaluator. I think the experiment went well with every one contributing positively. Two guests attended last night with one from my home country. He lives close by from the community center and I think he was convinced in joining the club. The whole audience gave their feedback on my speech project as part of the group evaluation exercise. They mostly appreciated the handouts. I had precisely prepared the handouts instead of bringing my computer for a visual presentation. My new lap top was just to heavy and I decided that having handouts is a good takeaway for the club members.

I think this is the new strategy that we would like to promote. To have the club experience be a learning one with news letters, group evaluations, blog site and sharing hand outs so our members could learn more from the club. Our club president shared this aspect during his opening and closing speech last night. We had a good meeting and I felt that the members and guests had learned a few things from the meeting last night. From the prepared speeches and group evaluations and sharing of feedback. I think that we now have a better chance in solving our membership problem with these innovations.

I reflected on my Toastmaster experience this morning when I archived my speech and club programme in my folder. I keep the club programs, speeches and project manuals in one large binder. I have been a member for 2.5 years and I have participated in all it's activities. In fact, I have plunged headlong into all its activities: by doing about 20 prepared speeches, 11 evaluations, a handful of table topics, worked as club officer for 1.5 years as VPE and VPM, participated in 4 speech contests, 2 club officer trainings and visited other clubs. I really appreciate the experience and wished I could have joined earlier in my life.

I think this experience plus my blogging have been good for me. It has helped me become more whole and allow me to open myself to others. This is the starting point for building supportive relationships which I never focused on in the past. Building these open and supportive relationships is important if one wants to succeed in one's artistic endeavors (as explained in the book I am reading). I guess it's the missing link in my progress as a writer.

The first step I guess is to open yourself to people. Blogging and public speaking allow you to settle one's internal urges for solitude. I think it also helps to resolve one's neurotic obsessions or tendencies that arise with insularity and aloofness. This feeling of being a 'lone wolf' is not good in the long run. The 'lone creative genius' is in fact a social creature unlike those depicted in movies. At least, there is always someone supporting him in his artistic struggles.

Dis-engagement from Creativity

An interesting concept from the book 'Standing at the Water's Edge' is the idea of dis-engagement (DEG). It's when the artist disengages from creativity or the act of immersion in one's craft. This may be due to the creative blocks, physical or mental constraints or simply when one is busy doing his normal every day tasks. For example in my case where I have a normal job and I don't have the same resources as a full time writer. But it's this idea of immersion that I like and I experience this feeling whenever I am blogging.

I guess when you are expressing yourself through your journal you have focus and concentration that time flies away. I try to look for this feeling when I am formally writing a book. In this mode though it's not actually the act of writing but also planning and organizing and using other writing tools. The creative act of writing a novel is not the same as journal writing because the focus is not on oneself. Hence, dis-associating oneself from the novel's topic does not provide the same form of focus and immersion as being the center of the story as in a journal or blog. So I am dis-engaged (DEG) because I don't have the supporting relationships in place. (DEG due to lack of support).

So writing a novel is a different mind set and time does not fly away as often as in blogging. Not being in the flow and it's the time of doubt. So having a good psychological framework and good relationships with others that support you will be helpful during these periods. So looks like it's not a question of skill or motivation but acquiring the right psychological framework. Surviving the lulls between creative bursts which may come in days, months or, in my case, many years. Incremental improvements may allow you to progress but maybe not in a manner that one appreciates. This is my problem I think. (DEG due to lack of skills).

I guess in work as well I can't seem to immerse myself in my work like I used to. Like in my writing, I get distracted and find myself procrastinating. I guess it is this fear of moving forward that is affecting me as well. I also lack the self-confidence to process in my work as well as in my writing. Following this analogy, I really don't have a good working relationship with my co-workers as compared to in the past. I noticed that I work quite well when I work with people who appreciate the work that I do and care about my well-being. I experienced this only in two projects: with my good friend PB and RA. (DEG due to lack of support and skills).

I think I have done well on these two project working with them. With my current project, I don't seem to get the same support and encouragement. I try to find this relationship by trying to develop closer rapport with my contributors. But it's really not the same. I guess that is the same thing with my writing where I have no supporting relationship at all. I seem to have the writing experience, tools, background and theory but not the supporting relationship. So I don't have the stable psychological framework to proceed confidently with my dreams. (DEG due to lack of support).

So the next step is to try to develop this type of relationship. I guess this goes right to the core of my personality because I never had a good sustaining relationship. I hope I don't repeat this problem with my kids because I think this started in my family with my upbringing. I had never felt close to my parents so this maybe the dysfunction that is affecting my life. But with understanding comes healing and I guess I know what to do. Now I realize the blocks or reasons for dis-engagement to my creativity. The task now is to try to re-solve it. (DEG due to lack of support).

This morning I met with the boss man for the monthly meeting. It went well except for an episode where he castigated me on some figures. He is right of course and joke that I will be fired immediately if I worked overseas. I think he knows about the plan to transfer me overseas. But he is a good guy and I think he wishes me well. Tonight I will be doing my advance speech on conversation though I did not prepare too much. I prepared some handouts which I hope will compensate in case I forget some of my lines. I realize that my public speaking skills is affected by the state of my mind. So having a relaxed and stable mind is a key to good public speaking. (DEG due to psychological support).

Reason to Smile

I evaluated a speech last night at a Toastmaster club meeting near my home. The club had a good attendance and the facilities where old but distinguished a(s compared to my club which was recently built). It had an old world feel as the community center is at least 20-15 years old. There were attendees from India, Philippines, Indonesia, Europe and USA. The speeches were good especially from a DTM who was a past governor who gave a special speech on discipline. I felt a bit intimidated as the group seem to be distinguished.

So to bolster my courage I wrote done the clubs where I gave a speech evaluation. I counted about 8 clubs outside my home club. It gave me confidence because I did more than 8 evaluations if I count those that I did in my home club. I did my evaluation quite fast and there where moments where I could not find the right words. I had a lot of pause fillers as well. But I managed to give a good and relevant speech as I found a way to gently criticize an otherwise, near perfect speech. It was done by a genial and appealing person who writes a blog called 'Reasons for a Smile'. His speech was entertaining and had a good lesson on solving disagreements. The objective was to use body gestures which he did well.

I also met 2 ladies from my home country. Both are young teachers and have recently moved here. The club president encouraged them to join as they work together at the same school. I left after the program though I was invited for coffee. I needed to work on my speech for our club meeting on Thursday. I did not have a chance to write but I was able to read the articles I downloaded on the subject of conversing with ease. I like going to the club last night and it allowed me to see a different perspective. I think I can learn a lot by visiting clubs instead of just sticking with my own. I get to practice my evaluation skills more often.

I am finishing the book 'Standing on the Water's Edge.' An interesting book due to the psychological insights it provides to writers. I hope I can apply the guides in my struggles. I also finished reading a book about Queen Isabela. An amazing story where one could see that life is really more exciting that fiction. I am also reading a picture book on the castles of Great Britain. It helps me visualize the scenes from the book. Queen Isabella is one of those history books that I love to read with historical drama and adventure. I am now listening to an audio book called 'Empire' by an accomplished Oxford historian.

Writer's Psychology

It seems that successful writers have a well-integrated personality. From the book, 'Standing At The Water's Edge', the writer should have a well-adjusted psychological framework that includes healthy relationship with other people. The important supportive relationships include the following types:

- mirror relationship
- hero relationship
- twin relationship

Each of these relationship support the creative task of artists. These significant relationships allow the artist to immerse themselves into creative acts. In fact these environment takes care of the psychological needs of the artist. This aspect is important and will supposedly help resolve blocks, procrastination and delays. It is as important aspect as the person's skills as a writer or other such artistic ability.

It's a deep and insightful book from an author who is a therapist and a PhD on this subject. So I guess she knows what she is talking about. In fact, she also shares the challenges she faces as a writer when writing the book I am reading. So looking at the lessons I have learned so far are:

- writer's techniques such as planning and organizing
- using tools like the snowflake method and new novelist
- using tools like mind mapping and spread sheets
- understanding the psychological needs of creative people
- applying relationship guidelines to support creative immersions

These are all aspects I have never thought about but learning at a fast rate these days. New knowledge settles slowly and I am glad that I am understanding these aspects now. I don't know when I can start applying these lessons. But I realize that I really don't give myself time to work as a writer despite my so-called priority. Last night I borrowed 4 movies, 1 music CD and 3 audio books. I took advantage of the current library promotion to double the normal borrowing limit during the school holidays. All these audio visual materials I have to return in 2 weeks. So my weekends and free time will be busy.

So these distractions are the real problem. I cannot seem to control my mind to focus. I downloaded an article on this subject a few weeks back but had no chance to read it. From a brief look, I think it's related to age caused by the onslaught of today's technology - tv, internet, etc. I think the article provides some tips to solve these problems. So after learning all these new tools and techniques I am back to square one -> the mind's tendency to distraction. Perhaps I should practice meditation more to control my mind. Maybe yoga is the answer! Something I can try on the weekend as well!

Standing at the Water's Edge

I am reading a book by Anne Paris about the creative process. Interesting perspective as addresses the psychological blocks that prevent artists from working. She is a psychologist who seem to specialize on artists who have problems expressing themselves. These problems are procrastination, diversions, writer's blocks,etc. Anything that prevents artists from doing their work. According to the author, procrastination and other such things that prevent writers from writing is quite normal. In fact, it is during these acts of procrastination that the artist is actually creating.

Good timing for me to read this book. Procrastination shows that one is actually not ready for the so-called immersing act of creativity. There are blocks that prevent the artist from getting into the immersed state. The author provides may ways to be ready for getting immersed into creativity. Principally, the solution lies in one's relationship to others. I agree using my example. I feel that I am living a double life by trying to be writer. I am keeping all the challenges to myself and I should really bring in my family into my efforts. The idea is to allow them to encourage me, so I can also discuss my issue in the act of creation or writing.

Also, getting immersed into writing will not be difficult because my family will know what I am doing. These days, without them knowing what I am doing, my wife and kids think that I am just surfing the Internet. I feel that to write I should go away from the house, to the library or the park so I can concentrate and work. But this should not be the solution because it does not solve the root problem. So there is no acceptance form my immediate family, in fact it is a hidden act, treated with shame. This is the root problem. Instead, it should be handled with pride with everyone supporting in the act. Oftentimes, it is my friends who I can tell of my aspirations.

These insight from the book allow me to understand the challenges The author treats it like a psychological problem instead of an issue of skill or motivation. An interesting book which give some ideas on how to overcome procrastination and writer's block. Most artist see a therapist to reach this understanding and some writer's even suggest to see a therapist to help unblock creativity. I am glad I can read this book without paying a shrink. I now realize the other factors that affect artists and it's not only the skills and motivation. So the book has come at the right time for me. It prevents me from blaming myself again which I usually do.

There is really so much that I still don't know. The love of books and reading and writing is really not enough. There is a wider area that still needs to be considered to be a successful writer. Other areas like the psychological preparation, planning and organization of writing is the areas I have not focused on. Is it too late? I always think that my age will prevent me from being what I want to be. In fact I start to feel the ravages of my age, maybe not physically but more on the mental side if I am not careful. But then again it's more the alignment of my thinking process that's changing with my new experiences and knowledge. Wow, that a lot of bull!

Outsourcing Support

IBM is taking over our support operations in the coming days. So I have been busy attending a lot of trainings on the new operations. I think we will have problems because the new processes are a bit cumbersome. I think I may have under estimated the problems. It's only now that I realize the problems. I can no longer rely on my current suppliers who have access to the servers. I think I need to work fast and try to think of a work around. I think I am in a mess if things do not turn out right. Now it's going to be a big challenge with more work involved.

While attending a seminar remotely, I read the news stories of the US election. Obama is quite an extraordinary and inspiring person. I hope he can really solve the current problems facing the USA because of the repercussionst to the world. Personally, I have suffered a lot in my stock market investments and I hope his election will give some confidence on the markets. Obama, I think has the right combination of temperament and skill needed in this particular point in history. His books, speeches and oratory are quite extraordinary.

The overseas offer is now firming up. I got an email the other day giving me an update. Now there is a real chance to transfer. I am grateful but I know the actual move will take place maybe 3-6 months down the road. Quite far away but can move very swiftly. I still have a lot of things to do especially with my ongoing projects. Now I find that there is less time left with the deadline coming in. Wow I am starting to grow old with the realization of all these responsibilities. But change is in the air, in the election, in the USA, everywhere in the world. Soon in my life as well.

Back from Vacation

I was away from the office for about a week. It was fun to be away. I spent most of the time surfing the net, listening to audio books, watching movies, going to art exhibits, roller blading, biking, swimming, playing golf and reading my e-mails. I had planned to prepare my writing work by completing my reading on 'The Successful Novelist'. But I could not finish the book and did little preparation in terms of working on the plot and characters. I wanted to be ready for the Nanowrimo event this November but I did not feel motivated enough.

Instead it was more a routine of scheduling time for me to respond to my emails because I was afraid I would miss something at work. A few events where I was needed to be involved to resolve a few issues in Thailand and China. Not serious issues but enough to cause some problems if not handled properly. I am still thinking about my pending transfer overseas and planning alternatives. I research the Internet and sent out a few mails on the subject to my overseas 'coordinators' and to my overall boss in China to keep him in the loop. Both mails have had no reply yet.

I watched 2 French movies last Saturday which I could have spent better by writing. Instead I focuses on blogging and yesterday, after a game of golf, I wrote an article for our club newsletter. Writing yes but not the form that I wanted to do. In the evening, we were visited by my cousins and aunt who were visiting. It was a fun evening and we had a nice time telling stories and having conversation. A lot of activities but not the correct ones during the week. I think I am still not settled in my mind about the mental challenges of being a novelist. I think my mind is preparing myself to acquire this mindset after reading about the writer's life in the books that I plan to be reading.

In fact, it seems more like a mental game without the passion. But I guess the passion will come once one gets into the groove of writing. It is just a re-channelling of the mental focus from blogging and journal writing to crafting a story which requires more analysis, planning and organization. It cannot be the unstructured, stream of consciousness type that occurs in blogging. Of course, this method can be utilized in a story but in the mind of a character. So perhaps the challenge is to remove or disassociate oneself from the characters mind and allow it to assume it's own existence.

But I realize as well that writing is really the gift of expressing and this is the skill that blogging does cultivate. My problem is that I am also settling issues within my self such as clarifying my thoughts and organizing my mind by journal writing. I think this is the activity that I enjoy and writing is just a means to achieve it. On the other hand, writing a novel is the end goal of a novelist with planning, organization and creativity are the means to achieving it. In fact I should spend less time thinking and more of writing. The key I think is to follow the structure already proposed in tools like the New Novelist.