Mozart and Strauss Concert

 Vienna is a huge dense city, unlike Budapest which has a large river frontage and open spaces with clear views of the river and high mountain in the Buda side to see the wide spread of the city. Vienna does not have a picturesque view of the Danube River nor high mountains nearby where one can see the lay of the land. There are no natural highlights but tall towers, or large Ferris wheels like the famous structure in the movie ‘The Third Man’.

However, there is charm in the city streets with the imperial palaces of the Hapsburg or former princes like the legendary general Prince Eugene of Savoy with his Belvedere palaces. Other noteworthy structure is the immense Opera house or the other Hapsburg palaces that have been turned into museums. There is also the food. We had an excellent dinner of lamb kebab and chicken skewered server with rice, sour crème, pickles, onions and beets. For starters, we had excellent Bortsch and pumpkin soup and for s=dessert a strudel and Turkish coffee.

The central train station and the tram system were excellent though we had to figure out the train lines and the route to travel in the city. After dinner, we watched a concert where a young group played various pieces of Mozart, Strauss pieces in a small concert hall Wiener Music house near the restaurant which was an Albanian or Turkish restaurant that faced the street where people walked about and some smoked Shisha pipe on the tables outside. One can feel the wealth and ease that comes from a rich state.

The television shows did not have English sub-titles unlike in Budapest which is refreshing to see an un-Engligh leaning country that is confident of its European history. I watched YouTube videos of the Hapsburg Dynasty and how the family became an empire. In the exhibition at the Belvedere, the paintings by Klimt and Egon Schiele and the other artist that led the Vienna Succession offered a new way of seeing things. Their style was a real break from the romantic view and more towards an impressionistic way of seeing.

 Any new empire would have a whole different way of seeing reality and would be reflected in their new art, whether in painting or literature. This confidence of being on the vanguard of the new may often lead its rulers into wars such as the First and Second World War. The Hapsburg empire was a true multi-ethnic state that had several innovations that heralded a new way but unfortunately led to devastation and eventually demise.

Vienna Noir

 

We arrived in Vienna on Sunday after a chaotic start in Budapest train station where we struggled to find seats in the train. We set at separate seats at the start of the trip but eventually found several seats where we all sat together in a new caboose added later in the trip. We bought chicken nuggets in the train station and enjoyed our lunch together as the train approached Vienna. The countryside was wonderful under a dreary sky but eventually a day emerged as the train arrived in Vienna at around 1 pm.

The hotel did not have the correct reservation for our friends, so we had to find another hotel nearby; across from the central train station where we arrived. After settling in, I bought tickets for the Hop on and Hop off bus tour that circled the city through specific routes. The bus had an audio tour where we connected our earphones and listened to lectures of the historic building we passed along the way. We left the bus at the train station near the center where I had Sushi and bear.

Afterwards, we walked along the busy Sunday streets to the St. Stephens Cathedral and St. Peters Basilica where was mass was going on. The church was magnificent with the high Gothic architecture of St. Stephens in contrast to the Baroque architecture of St. Peters Basilica. The interiors were magnificent with high ceilings, frescos and intricate design. I lit a candle, said some prayers and dipped my hand in the holy water as we left the church. The streets were filled with people enjoying the festive night with Christmas markets and the elegant stores lining the streets.

Yesterday, we again rode the Hop on and Hop off bus at the central train station after breakfast of salmon and cheese sandwich, Bavarian donuts and hot chocolate. I also bought Red Bull which I drank later in the day. We toured the city of Vienna listening to the audio tour and got off at Schonbrun Palace were we walked the gardens for about an hour until the designated hour to enter the palace.

The Schonbrun tour was informative with good displays and as we walked through the magnificent rooms, enjoying the visual and audio tours. I was always interested in the Hapsburg and the Astro – Hungarian empire and to finally visit these places where the Hapsburg lived and understand the city of Vienna that existed in my mind and to finally reconcile reality with the mental images of my youth.

We had dinner at the central train station where I had boiled pork in soy sauce with rice and vegetables and Austrian beer. We explored the train stations and the various shops, checked the train schedules and the terminal for the train to the airport as our friend were leaving Vienna to go back home. We will stay for 2 more days and plan to visit the art museums. I watched several You Tube Videos on Vienna and Hapsburg.

Buda and Pest

Yesterday we went around Budapest with a local guide in the free (or tips based) walking tour that we signed up online. The walk started in St. Stephen’s Basilica which was a 18-minute or so walk from our hotel. We walked along the Danube River to get to the Basilica where the walk started at 11 am. The tour snaked around the capital city where the tour ended at around 1 pm in the Parliament building.

The walking was enjoyable and possibly the best way to discover a city. We tried our first walking tour in Copenhagen and tried to do the same we visit a place. We did the same on our visit to Boston and Chicago. The tour was on the Pest side of the city and took a bus to Buda side, getting off the stairs below Fisherman’s Bastion at the height of the castle district. Before going to the other side of the river, we had an exorbitantly price lunch in a lunch in a Christmas Market.

We did not realize the cost because there was no screen register to see the amount plus the difficulty of calculating the exchange rate. Only later after eating our lunch we realized we paid about $70 dollars for a meal of Kielbasa sausage, fried rice, sauerkraut, pickles and beer. Our friend paid a similar amount for Pork knuckles, curry chicken and vegetables and fried rice. It would have been best to go into a formal Hungarian restaurant than eating street food in a Christmas Market while watching the interesting people around.  

The view from the castle district from the heights of Buda was spectacular, seeing the Pest side across the river with the magnificent building like the Parliament. We spent time taking pictures and enjoying the view though we did not have time to go to the Palace nor Mattias Church as there were many people and we still felt bad for overspending on our lunch; not having the common sense to calculate the cost. Nevertheless, the rest of the afternoon was fun walking in the Castle District and talking the tram and bus to move around the city.

Evening came early with the night settled into the city at around 4 pm. We went back to Pest and walked around to enjoy the festivity of Christmas Market and ate Chimney Cake apple pie and whip cream and went into a coffee shop to have coffee while checking our smart phones and talked about plans for the next day. We walked back to our hotel, tired from the day’s events. I watched YouTube videos on Budapest and enjoyed watching a French detective show at the same time.

Descent from the Alps

 

We arrived at Budapest at around 3 pm, took the 100E bus to the City Centre and walked for 5 minutes to the hotel. There was a long line of people waiting for the bus but we did not wait long as the huge tram like bus keep the line moving quickly. I thought about taking a taxi or Uber but decided to take the local bus to get closer towards the way life is experienced by the locals instead of zipping through like a tourist. I had a good view of the countryside and emerging city by looking out of the bus window.

After settling in the hotel, a small comfortable place with a young and friendly staff, we went to the Central Market where we ate Goulash – pork with pasta and beef soup, plus stuffed cabbages. I had a local draft beer with my food. We walked through the large Central Market looking at the local stall with their local products and Paprika products present in all the stalls being the national plant. I remembered watching a movie (Romania) where Paprika was mashed into a paste and sold into stores. Apparently Paprika was introduced by the Turks.

We walked through the city streets enjoying the lively flow of mostly young and attractive people, the cobblestone streets and shopping stores. We walked to the Christmas Market with a huge Christmas tree in the center square and looked at the food stalls with the myriad dishes of Goulash in bread bowls, sausages in various ways being served in bread, pork knuckles, beef steaks and the popular Chimney Bread which we had eaten in the Central Market served with ice cream. Chimney bread was also popular in Prague and Copenhagen.

We walked for an hour or two, enjoying the cold evening and the elegant old and massive buildings along the busy streets. Budapest is an old city and I saw the old hotel depicted in Michael Korda’s ‘Journey to a Revolution’ about the 1956 revolt against the Soviets. People had died along these streets some time in the past though one would not have thought looking at the young, prosperous people walking its streets today.

We walked along briefly the Danube River the flowed along several countries in Europe and planned to take the evening cruise later today. Coming over from Zurich, I saw the river snake through the countryside from the plane window. The plane had travelled over the majestic mountains of the Swiss Alps with it’s snow covered peaks breaking through the clouds and the ragged mountain tops making way to the green countryside and rivers after leaving the mountain regions and descending into the green plains of Budapest.

Austro Hungarian trip

I leave today for Budapest, where we will stay for 4 days and travel to Vienna for another 4 days. I have been reading books and watching videos of these countries to acquaint myself. I visited Prague 2 years ago, and the coming trip will let me know more about Central and Eastern Europe. My imagination of these countries comes from the spy novels of John Le'Carre and the early Bond films with Sean Connery. But I have also watched the recent films about the Prague Spring and the earlier movie starring Daniel Day-Lewis.

I am reading the book by Korda about the earlier Hungarian revolution in the 1950s, a period I associated with the Kennedy, especially the 1960's after visits to Washington DC and going to the Spy Museum and the holocaust museum, where some camps are located. There are echoes of these events in my recent visits to Boston and the Kennedy Library. It feels like I am finally getting to see the places that my childhood imagination dreamed about, reading historical books on these subjects.

I compare these social upheavals with the EDSA people's revolution in 1986, where I watched firsthand and wrote a paper to get my college degree. These social movements are always led by young people who go to the streets to hanker for a better life. My college years of exploration and growing up amidst the political turmoil of the Marcos years come to my mind after the Aquino assassination. All these memories have been in my mind recently, perhaps due to coming into middle age, and that sentimentality seems more frequent.

I am starting a regular writing habit so I can start working on a memoir where I can express these stories. I start to look back on my life and also seek meaning in the remaining years of my working life. The brain reaches certain stages in a person's life, and I feel a certain slowness which seems to be expected as one comes into their 60s. So I have a strategy using tDSC devices and physical exercises to keep my mind sharp. I do get episodes of doubt and minor confusion when working on a project, where in the past, my actions were instinctive and confident.  

Such is the experience of everyone who grows old, and one needs to be careful into descend into senility, so travel and reading books remain all the more important. Instead of instinctive action and thought, one must now think and follow a working process, using tools like an action register and planners. To use tools like Loop to keep notes and AI tools like NotebookNLM, Gemini, and Chat GPT. It's a godsend that these tools are starting to mature in my old age.   

Bitter Episode

I still get flashes of anger when I recall those events when my supervisor and her boss ganged up on me and wanted to get rid of me, going so far by reporting my so-called lapses to the Vice-President. The fact that my supervisor is my so-called friend make the event more a betrayal and perhaps driven by jealousy. I give excuses for her behavior thinking that her boss who is narcissistic and ambitious despite not having good management abilities to her credit.

I never felt this hatred perhaps driven by pressure from the business but that should not have made them do what they did but instead focused on how I can improve. It was a meeting of fools where everyone was not up to the task; instead looking for a scapegoat and going against the weak link down the totem pole. I survived by calling a representative from personal so she could represent me and provide a balance picture since no one was in my side.

The Vice-President eventually came to my side by assigning me to another department and brought a welcome change to my career as I approach retirement. I ended up in a good team where I could thrive and grow instead of being the that cesspool where people were looking for faults and scapegoats. I remember these moments because I still see my so-called friend (actually my wife's friend) as we see each other socially with my other friends.

I still lurk into this vindictive phase where I look for failures in my former department, trying to prove my story that I was not at fault and the charge against me was malicious. I have been with the company for 30 years and deserved better with more respect. I have let bygones be bygone, conversing with the platform boos whenever I see her, now that she has moved to another post at a higher level, and a new platform manager from Europe has taken over.

The fact is that I went up a rank since my boss report directly to the Vice-President and I feel that the VP is on my side being an enlightened manager when compared to my former supervisor and her boss. My 'friend' still remains in her post and recently her platform has gone through another reorganization which shows the turmoil never ends in their area; with a domain manager missing from work where no one knows what happened to him.

What drives me nuts is that my 'friend' acts like nothing she did was wrong, living life like a princess with delusions or aspirations in her mind; living her life through her daughter. I envy her lack of self-awareness whereas I overthink and drive myself to anxiety and stress. But I am in a better place now, having survived the shameful episode though images of them both shouting at me like 'banshees' though it was more of the platform boss who I see now and again in the corridor and exchange pleasantries.       

I close friend retired recently and I still see hear as we are both members in a civic organization that meets weekly. She also had bad incidents I believe calling the former platform head as being narcissistic. I think she also does not respect our former supervisor who thinks she is a cut above the rest when I believe she was elevated to her position to met diversity requirements. She does have good luck which makes me resent her all the more when I should not. I am in a good place and should be glad of it. 

Remaining bitter and vengeful of past events where I was not respected and was abused (whether imagined or not) is not a good place to be. I cannot remain normal during social gathering when I still remember these events when I should let go (her phrase). I determined that she is not a good person, perhaps with a streak of meanness that she hides under clever remarks and a pretty exterior. She is smart, diligent and competent but there is a snake living inside her soul. 

Retirement Thoughts

I ran or jogged this morning; first thing after getting up. I plan to jog every Friday to Monday for less than 20 minutes. It is an easy task going around the neighborhood block along a very short stretch of a path with tall trees alongside, offering a brief interaction with nature. I read the jogging or running is good for keeping one's cognition especially executive function which I feel I need to preserve as I move into my middle years. This exercise together with other strategies like using tDCS devices and going to the gym and meditation will help me face the challenges at work.

I registered to be a task leader at a volunteer group and be engaged with the community and meet people not form the office. I look for other activities outside work such as Toastmaster and competing in 5 k races to have experiences that fulfill my urge for more variety in my life. I always have this urge to be different by learning new things such as creating AI photos. I am intrigue with all this development in AI that I plan to use these tools and be an expert on them.

After my morning run, I sous-vied sirloin and rib-eye steak and my wife cooked seafood spaghetti, asparagus and tomato salad and sweet potatoes for our Thanksgiving dinner. I watched a documentary on Angela Merkel and another documentary about right wing alternative reality to facts. Merkel is a refreshing glimpse of a good leader amidst the current turmoil in American politics and the confusion of alternate facts that causes anxiety and stress. One does not have a firm grip on reality these days.

 Aside from my jogging, I have made a goal to write a novel or at least to have a daily writing habit such as this blog to keep the dream alive. I have read several books on writing that suggest that one should just write daily even for just 10 to 30 minutes, without though of writing the great American novel and just put thoughts to paper and see what comes out. Good advise to avoid the stress that one gives oneself but also a practice of focus and meditation.

I do not get to do my daily mediation in the morning whenever I run but I listen to Gregorian chant during my jog around the neighborhood and have the same meditative feeling. Keeping one's mental calmness by listening to Gregorian chants is a form of meditation instead of hearing commercial music that agitate the mind and heart. At noon, I swam for 30 minutes, soaked in the hot tub and spent about 10 minutes in the sauna. I will miss the gym and these self-care facilities when I retire and stop my gym membership. 

I plan to continue my daily run and use the community pool to keep healthy but I need to buy an inflatable hot tub so I can continue to enjoy the benefit of soaking in warm water. I already have an infra red sauna blanket for me to sweat in. I also have a Maxi Climber and rowing machine that I use from time to time but will use more when I stop my gym membership when I retire.  I will turn 62 next month and I have more thought of retirement and what I plan to do to keep busy.    

Succumbing to Distractions

I was not able to do any work this afternoon. I did file vacation leave for the afternoon but kept logged in in case some one would ping me. Instead, I laid in bed a few times falling into a nap a few times but mostly scrolling on my smartphone. During this episodes distraction or procrastination, I had decided to strap on a tDCS  on my forehead so that the electricity would focus my mind and allow me to work. But I did not do my own medicine and instead allowed myself to drift.

I did learn how to create an AI photo with  myself and some movie stars after watching a video. I used both chatGPT and Gemini Nano Banana to create these images. I have been attending several AI seminars this week and I have a list of videos of different AI lectures from SnapLogic.  I also attended several seminars from Google and Amazon. AI is the new thing and there is an explosion of content. In fact I have been studying AI for more than a year now, attending Linked-IN seminars several years back.

I find myself more knowledgeable than most people and will strive to be an expert in this field to improve my work. I feel I have to rise above my usual stupor and laziness by jogging this morning for 17 minutes. I plan to jog from Friday to Monday for only a short period while still continuing my regular fitness routine. But the real challenge is to stay out of my mind and to do something; a concrete action so I don't get caught up with my churning mind; lost in thoughts.

Last week, my young colleagues showed me his action register and his ways of working. He is using Excel to track activities similar to what I was doing long ago now that I have shifted to planner. He is more focused to me and the problem is not using the right tools or way of working but of focus and intent. I allow myself to drift and be unfocused most of the time like this afternoon. I have much ambition but I don't have the drive and motivation to just do it without thinking which my young colleague has remind me of. 

Yesterday, I received my new gadget called a Mendi which is a neuro-feedback device to help me focus; a device which cost me about $270. I now have several devices to help me focus: 3 tDCS devices such as LiftID, Brain Simulator, My Brain; PEMF magnetic head device plus my headphones to play Binaural beats or Gregorian chants to help me sleep and focus. My goal is to use the hours after dinner for writing and learning instead of falling a sleep in the coach in the library and wake up at midnight to go back to sleep. 

If I am able to use these hours in the evening, I could use 2 - 3 hours of productive activity. Unfortunately, I have not been able to focus or have the right energy to do proper work so the key is a combination of taking a shower, drinking coffee or team, meditation and using one of my brain devices to get to work. Learning how to focus especially with my middle age years where the mind will naturally drift, is the key challenge. It is the core issue of the monkey mind the continues to bedevil me.   

Using tDCS to Focus

The strategy I chose to get me writing is to use tDCS devices to calm and focus my mind. Research has shown that tDCS can focus attention to the task at hand and a good remedy to still the wandering mind. Exercise also has the affect or improving the mind's focus. This morning I ran a 5 k race at the local zoo, walking and jogging in the cold morning, through beautiful nature with the bright sky amidst trees of Cleveland Park. There was a good crowd of people who joined and with people from office. An old friend confided to me after the race that he is requesting to transfer to another project due to stress in the office.

The run was a welcome relief and I practiced in the past week by going to gym to run for 30 minutes, or walked around the office campus and, yesterday swam for 30 minutes after picking up my race kit. I listened to Gregorian chants while running, which was the same series of chants I listen to in bed when I wake up early in the morning. I need to listen to these chants to calm my mind and get me back to sleep. It was a interesting experience to listen to the chants while running amidst nature in cold weather. I ran with my usual partner and office worker from India.

I need these strategies to keep me focused or to reduce stress, whether tDCS devices or Gregorian chants or morning meditation to keep my mind straight. Otherwise I am reduced to doom scrolling the internet in my phone. I remarked to my old friend, a brilliant young Indian who moved here from Bangalore in the recent years, that the good days are gone. I will miss him especially the moment when I needed his help on software issues. He is fed up with the politics and being thew constant victim of 'escalation' from the new team that took over the support process.

He remarked that there is a lot of stress and turmoil in the office and I agree with him. I have moved to a new department which is much organized and less stressful as compared to my previous role as squad leader and project manager, but new role has the same stress though at a higher level. I still feel sadness and a rising anger whenever I remember those times prior to my move where my superiors where actually idiots who thought they were doing the right thing. If not for my strategies of coping, which included therapy, I would have become bitter and distraught.

Exercise and mediation is not enough to keep me straight so I have included a daily writing habit bolstered by tDCS to keep me focused as I attempt to finally write a book. This writing habit will be my savior and give meaning to my life as I enter my late years. Hopefully the effort will result in a book where I can share my stories and give a voice to a life long lost when I was young. It will be a story about my grandmother, about the war years, and my early youth when Martial Law was proclaimed, when a senator was killed and gave birth to a people's revolution that brought down an aging tyrant.    

   

Townhall Communication Stress

This morning, I attended the company's bi-annual town hall with networking opportunities to meet with my colleagues and exchange pleasantries. I usually get paranoid in these events, seeing people's faces long after the event, with imagined grievances or shortcomings in my part, of missed opportunities to speak and express oneself. Like a politician, I gravitate towards meeting people and having conversations, but in these events, one must control one's natural urges and keep to a short group.

The main speaker provided an excellent analysis of the department's situation and proposed actions, well-prepared and delivered well. The next speaker did not have the same breadth of topic and gravitas, but held her own with an honest appeal to action. Her intent was to tell all those gathered what a good job they had done under her leadership, of course. It was a welcome event, though my usual overthinking got the better of me as I went through my usual thoughts of contempt for those gathered, with imagined slights of not noticing me.

In the evening, while having dinner, I watched the movie 'Touched by Lightning' about President James Garfield and his assassin, who was well played by the actor. His raving mind and psychotic behavior reminded me of myself, especially after meeting many people in public events, as I want to withdraw and be myself to restore my equilibrium. I had lunch after the event and went back to the office to work in the afternoon, where I responded to emails followed worked via group chat.

I am still absorbing yesterday one and one meeting with my boss, where he challenged me to lead and be a dynamic leader instead of being passive, which is my nature. These one-on-one meetings are challenging as my boss gets right to the heart of the matter, of the areas where I need improvement, and says the right words to shame me into action. These are personal and challenging sessions, which I like because I respect my boss, who thinks at a higher level than most people.

I got to both absorb the internal challenge and, in my raw state, attended the public meeting where my mind succumbed to paranoid overthinking, which I managed well by keeping my wits despite the background noise of my monkey mind. Even my friends were not spared from my jealousy and contempt as I had to focus the bringing my thinking out from the gutter. I went to the gym and used the treadmill for 35 minutes, used the steam room, and had a refreshing shower.

The session at the gym was enough to restore me from the stress of today's events and the work back at the office, where even the emails gave me anxiety. I strive to be calm and have an even temperament, but this state is not really possible in the public sphere. I have to isolate myself and exercise to keep me sane. I received the overhead projector that displayed astronomical images like the moon and the night sky, and lay down and looked at the images in the ceiling while listening to the sublime music of Avro Part; an experience close to meditation and relaxation.

Pickleball Delight

For the past weekends, we have been playing pickleball with our friends in a nearby park. Usually in after afternoon on Saturdays or early Sunday mornings. These games usually end with lunch or dinner at our friends' house, where we end up sharing stories and playing Phase 10 or some other card or board games. Pickleball is a very easy game to take up and does not require significant physical exertion, so the games usually end after several changes of partners, with singles, doubles matches occurring multiple times. It is a very pleasant way to spend one's weekend with friends all the way into the evenings.

These weekend get-togethers are a welcome respite for me with the strains at work, with multiple projects that I work on. Currently, my workload is a business continuity project, an export paperwork project, an external app obso project (which is soon ending), and the recent application asset removal project at 4 different sites in the US, Central, and South America. These projects require me to write emails, organize meetings, and have several group chats in the course of planning, organizing the maging these projects to a successful conclusion. 

The work has obligated me to be more efficient and use AI tools like Microsoft Co-Pilot and tools like Loop to keep on top of things and keep me organized. Artificial Intelligence allows us to record meetings and summarize them with notes and next steps, which keeps everyone on track, as well as have tracking sheets (in Loop and Planner) to keep the team moving forward and collaborating effectively. The seamless integration into our daily workplace is impressive, like sliding into the future with these applications embedded in our software.

People don't realize how we have suddenly entered into a new world, like the Trump takeover, that is heralding a change in the way the world works.  I have had a career in the midst of globalization and diversity, riding a wave that allowed me to work in different countries and thrive, and being part of the community where I relocated, whether in Singapore or the United States. This is the old world now, it seems, with hostility to open trade and immigration and a diversified and progressive world.

The government shutdown, the divisiveness in politics and society, and continuing turmoil in Europe with the Ukraine and Russian war, ICE deportations, and National Guard units in cities paint a picture of disorder. Nevertheless, I continue to overthink and do too much, such as buying a Segway scooter, learning pickleball and racketball, running 5k races, borrowing many books, and watching movies when the proper approach is to pull back, meditate, and restore a sense of calm and balance.

But that does not seem to be the way in these times of technological breakthroughs, political upheavals, and change. One must keep moving and understand the new zeitgeist or get pummelled and buried into insignificance. In our storytelling last night with our friends, we were reminiscing about the old times, of moments with old friends in other countries on journeys in the past, of our children growing up, and our generation receding into old age and insignificance. Listening to the NYT interview of Anthony Hopkins talk about his life and book feels like a summing up and reckoning is coming with our life's meaning.

Churning Mind

Last week was another period of incessant thinking. I cancelled the business continuity test as the stakeholder requested to postpone due to another application going live that week. There was just too much downtime during the week. Stopping work at the warehouse for a few hours may impact sales especially with the promotion that is occurring every month. The fact that the economy is showing signed of being affected by the uncertainty in government.  

Such is the underlying situation with the seemingly confusion and turmoil happening at the highest level is causing businesses and ordinary people like me to have anxiety. There is too much happening from the tariff situation, Ukraine war, trade war, labor decline that some pundits are forecasting some dire times ahead. There is no immediate impact in terms of high prices as inflation is being manged by business by absorbing high tariff cost. 

The consequence is the reduction in staff or the pause in investment until more clarity is provided by the government.Contributing to the turmoil are the court cases saying these activities are illegal; from tariff, deportations and firing of government officials. Such as mess that everyone seem to be taking all these events in stride though their mental health may be suffering in the background. This is the situation I find myself reading these news while having challenges at the office.

I know a vacation is needed or at least time off when I feel agitated, where I get anxious meeting my colleagues in the office where I get paranoid unnecessarily seeing a different meaning behind every comments. My boss in our regular one on one meeting was also critical of the outcome of my project where I had to postpone the implementation despite frequent steering committee meeting. The steering committee is meant to provide guidance and approval so these actions that I made are sanctioned by the committee.

On another project that started this year, the other challenge is the priorities and capacity for the work squads who will work on this project. The squad are overloaded and at full capacity that they frankly don't have time to work on my project. I had reached out to the squad leads and product owners and had several meetings to no avail. It's no one's fault that there is a lot of work and my project unfortunately has the lower priority compared with the other project being worked on.

So I had to take the punches and accept the inevitable outcome which is to postpone or re-schedule my project activities until the team have time or at the right moment when stakeholder are okay with the impact to operations. It's been a challenging year for me that I get 'impostor syndrome' ; that I am not good enough or that I am over the hill and should retire. I sometimes regret not accepting the early-retirement package but I am also anxious of running out of money.

I helped my son moved in the townhouse that I had been renting hoping to put more stability in his life with lower rents and a larger place for him to enjoy. I should have asked him to move earlier and I though it was good to have an experience of making it on his own. I have 4 to 5 year lefts of working in the company and I am planning on my retirement or rather my life after retirement. A time where I start something new and have a new vision of myself that is refreshing and vital and meaningful instead of just being a tired old man.    

     

   

Writing Prompts

I woke up from sleep, the room still dark, and had a thought about writing prompts. Recently, I enrolled in a writing course advertised on Facebook that also had a course of writing prompts. This may be the missing piece that will help me get started as a novelist. The course I am taking right now is a series of exercises where I copy passages from famous novels curated by the teacher. Following the experience of writers like Hunter Thompson,  started his career as a writer by copying Ernest Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms. This anecdote is frequently shared on the web.

I have done about seven lessons so far out of a total of twelve lessons email to me. This is an effective way to study the work of these authors, as well as get into a 'writing' habit by typing the work of the greats. The 'teacher' also places his comments on sections of these works to highlight the author's technique. While doing these lessons on a regular basis, you get the understand not only the work you are copying but also get the feel of typing a novel daily. So this is how a writer works by getting in front of the computer or typewriter and banging out a novel.

I have also been reading Peter Elbow's book 'Writing Without Teachers', and I thought this was a method to also use to start a daily writing habit. To make the effort more fruitful, writing prompts would be useful to get the juices going instead of waiting for the mind to have a rhythm of consistent ideas relevant to the plot at hand. I do have a rough draft of a plot of a novel that I am working on that I started to us a tool called Sudowrite, which is an AI-based tool that tries to help would-be authors. At best, the tool is a writing assistant rather than a tool to do the writing for you.

So these have been my attempts to start my writing career with the use of AI tools, but one does not become a writer by having a machine do the work for you. Instead, AI tools can provide writing prompts, perhaps critique the draft and offer suggestions, but not do the actual writing, which AI tools like Sudowrite attempt to do. This seems to be the dilemma of writers at the cusp of the unrelenting wave of artificial intelligence. Other experiments would be to use Gemini, ChatGPT, and tools like Notebok NLM to augment the writing craft of today's writers.;

During my early morning usings in the dark, several ideas for a novel also came up aside from my current idea of hiking with a French colleague:

• driving cross-country with my son from the South to the West Coast to begin his Army tour
• migration for work from Asia to the United States
• Further stories of my French colleagues with their families and animals

During these reveries, I thought about buying a motorcycle so I could roam the local countryside to rest from my writing labors. I used to have a Honda Ruckus and regretted having sold it when the scooter would not start. So my daydreaming started with thoughts about how to better organize my garage so that the new motorcycle would fit in; perhaps by raising the rack to place my 3 bicycles above the ground to make way for the Royal Enfield motorcycle that I planned to buy. As I get into my writing rhythm, churning out novels, motorbiking on the weekends, working on my garden, and having my sons and friends critique my drafts, using writing prompts and live the life of a productive novelist.

Soon I heard my wife's alarm sound, and I had to get up and prepare to work from home. I went to the bathroom to meditate, and I sat on the toilet, listening to binaural beats and the vibrating headpiece around my forehead, and when I finished, I did Tai-Chi to prepare for my day as I watched the thoughts swirl in my head of all the writing progress I would achieve with writing prompts. Now is the time when the actual hard work begins. As a start, I need to organize my work area on my computer and continue my experiments with AI, and create a model to help me with prompts

Keeping One's Bearings

Over the past few weeks, I have been trying to get my bearings in the work I am doing. Working on several projects is not easy, especially when one needs to dive deep and lead several initiatives in each individual project. Just keeping track of the tasks in each project, with several to-do lists, is a challenge. Using the latest tools like MS Planner is a lifesaver.  The mind has to multitask with the workload that one is subjected to. The tools that help one in this daily struggle will ensure mental peace.

One project is regional catastrophe planning, where several simulations are planned to transfer applications to a fail-safe environment. This entails coordinating meetings and workshops with multiple groups, including the customer support team, the application support team, and the external backup company, which has members worldwide. Another project is the ongoing obsolescence project, where app locations are moved to a more modern and secure environment.

This project also entails working with the customer support organization, application support, and the external infrastructure organization. This involves scheduling meetings, writing emails, planning workshops, and so on. A third project is a Logistics one where some programs need to be revised so that one's shipments to other countries are not hampered by incorrect documentation. This endeavor involved working closely with business leaders, stakeholders, and application developers.

Other smaller projects exist and are mixed into this stew of multitasking and further confusion and complexity. Decommission servers related to a previous project, coordinate backup testing for two applications in Central America and North America. Further adding stress is the ongoing request for funding for these projects due to the recent slowdown in markets that require the reduction of working budgets. Under this complex working environment, one has to stay afloat, attend department meetings, and log one's time entry before the end of the month. One has to be aware of the individual quirks of personality of the people one works with.

This is not the dreary and boring workspace of a large bureaucracy but the hot house of a major global company where initiatives come and go, crisis happens, and politics need to be played. Personal interactions are important, as one needs to be polite and follow the prevailing rules, go to the office at least for the majority of the work week, while trying to stay focused while working remotely and doom-scrolling on one's phone. Under this personal backdrop is the cultural and political chaos of the presidential office, the infighting and several divisions, which only causes more stress and confusion. It seems like a Russian plot to sow disorder in Western societies has now come to pass.  Hence, the need to get one's bearings, to restore a sense of equilibrium and balance, mainly to keep sane and continue functioning as a competent cog in the global machine of commerce.

Windy City

We spent the first week of July in Chicago, arriving on the 1st and leaving on the 5th with a day trip to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The weather was beautiful and the city was glorious. We spent the first morning on an architectural boat tour along the river, the guide an expert on the history and styles of the buildings. It was a very enjoyable trip under a brilliant blue sky, and as hot as we expected. After the boat trip, we explored Grant Park, listening to a free classical concert at Millenium Park. Dinner was a Poke bowl of tuna, salmon, rice, avocado, seaweed, and lettuce. 

The next days were spent visiting the Art Institute of Chicago, which had a great collection of Impressionist paintings and a short history of European history focused on the Catholic reign of Ferdinand and Isabel and the combination of the Habsburg empire with the marriage of their daughter to a Habsburg scion. It was a very large and substantive collection, and it was tiresome to look at the exhibits and, afterward, continue to explore the city and parks. The museum had great views of the Frank Gehry concert hall at Millennium Park, where we enjoyed free concerts.

The Chicago skyline and the architecture of the building were exceptional, especially the intriguing Cloud Gate sculpture commonly known as 'the Bean' and the Frank Gehry bridge crossing from Millennium Park to the Maggie Daley Park. The Cultural Center and the Design Museum were the common man's venue to display 'folk art', and I particularly enjoyed the Blondell Cummins dance exhibit 'Dance as Moving Pictures'. The center was the former City Library with impressive high-ceiling rooms, majestic staircases, and magnificent domed ceilings.

• Day 1: River boat tour on Chicago architecture
• Day 2: Art Institute of Chicago, Maggie Daley Park, watch fireworks along the shore
• Day 3: Walking tour of Art Deco buildings,  Cultural Center of Chicago, Design Museum
• Day 4: Visit Milwaukee via Amtrak train, Pabst Beer Mansion, Milwaukee park near shore, downtown, return to Chicago, 4th of July Concert at Millennium Park   

Armtrak train ride of Milwaukee oferred glimpses of the countyr side of Illinous and Minesota and a good brak and contrast from the grand urban city scape of Chicago. The Pabst mansion had incredible intricate interiors with impressive delicate wood work, great attention to detail and offered a glimpse of welath at the turn of the century. It was a large mansion but drawfed by the huge palaces that came at the turn of the 20th cenutry. We saw an NCAA fencing chanpionship as we explored the city , walking near the shore with a view of the Art Museum designed by Earo Saarnisen.

The 4th of July concett was a blast with an entertaining Irish conductor. I had brought beer and I enjoyed the music, beauty and grandueer of the concert hall and the surrounding sky scrapers. Dinner was our usual Poke bowl and Ramen soup. I did not have time to enjoy the penthouse pool in the evening as we had to pack for the early morning trip to the airport. Chicago offered a welcome break and a chance to discover something new, to see a different part of America and admire the breath of the American experience.

Aging with Grace

Last week, my boss helped me by telling me what to post in a group chat with the director; he often posts his own comments in a three-way conversation where the director thinks he is conversing with 3 people but in fact in most instances with my boss, since some of my comments came from him. I pause when I post, thinking about how I should state things since recently I've been criticised for some of my commentary. I do agree that I post aggressive statements to provoke people I communicate with.

But sometimes I wonder if the way I speak is not appropriate. I notice that I jump to certain conclusions without the proper build-up that would ease the transition to my conclusion, to give the listeners time to understand how I reached that conclusion. I am an instinctive thinker, and I speak from my gut instead of building a logical argument that would explain the reasoning behind my statements. I also speak too fast as if to show that I discovered the 'truth' before anyone. 

I wonder if it's a sign of cognitive defect or the reverse: speed of thought, as my mind is always thinking, looking at all the angles. I do notice that people are slow in thinking, which is a conceit when in fact this is the right tempo to let the group slowly understand the subject being discussed and allow everyone in the group to reach a common realization. Of course, each will have their own reaction and conclusion, but with the same understanding of the facts.

I am working with new people that I've met only a year or so ago, in a new assignment and with different circumstances that before were where I'd work with my former colleagues for several decades in the same department. The newness of the situation kept the mind alert, to understand the new social norms, way of speaking and working, especially with a much younger than me. I have to pay attention to what I say and do, as the young folks don't share the same views as a much older person.

Recently, a former colleague retired, and like me, has been in the company for 3 decades, and I felt sad that she left, as we worked together for several years before I transferred to another department. This move has been very fortunate, and I thank the stars for my luck to come into a new environment and meet new people. It does bring more pressure, but I have been moving around a lot in my career, so I enjoy the journey and have done this transformation many times.

I do have to pay attention to social cues and norms, and Toastmasters has helped me navigate this voyage as well as improve my speaking and leadership skills. I do fret that age will affect my cognition, that the episode with my boss is a sign of some decline. But it is my overthinking that is causing all these instead of just moving forward and just doing it. There will be stumbles and mistakes, but that should be taken as a normal occurrence, and one should be humble and keep one's composure.

Watching Old Movies

I watched Robert Mitchum in the film 'Friends of Eddie Coyle'. His portrayal of a tragic, middle-aged low-level hood trying to make ends meet,  lost in the machinations of the mob and law, and ended up dead as the fall-guy; laid low by his boss - playing at a higher level that he was unaware of. Mitchum was an actor that I admired in my youth and looking at his portrayal at the age of around 56 in a good film by Peter Yates recalled all his great qualities as an actor especially in the film 'Yakuza' possible the best film on that genre.

It felt strange seeing him in that role at my age about 4 years older than Mitchum when he made the film. I am that middle-age person he is portraying, trying to make ends meet in my own work, going to the office and doing my projects and staying relevant. I am good at what I do, having done this work for most of my 30 year career and I identified with the character of Eddie Coyle, not because I am in the same line of work but in the situation of being middle-aged in a harsh world though not in the deadly underworld of the Boston mob.

I watched this movie before but forgot it's intimacy and details and watching the movie at my age; felt different than when I admired Mitchum's work when I was young; watching 'Yakuza' with my father when the movie first came out in the 70's, combining my love of Japan and the action of martial arts and the American cowboy loner fighting against the Yakuza. Japan as a movie locale with a Westerner thriving in that culture such as Sen Connery as James Bond in 'You Only Live Twice'.

Both movies stared heroes of mine growing up and re-watching their movies decades later is poignant because I discovered these movies with my father who also admired both Robert Mitchum and Sean Connery. Connery was much younger when he made 'Your Only Live Twice' and he was a bigger influence to me and a great movie star. 

I watched 'Friends of Eddie Coyle' in a 85 inch screen, the image flashed by a projector, with large speakers providing a soundtract behind me, simulating the feeling of being in a movie house, s I lay on a benie bag looking up at the screen. It was as if I was back in the theathre many years ago watching Mitchum and enjoying his singular performance as an anti-hero; though without the adult understanding of the movie's context.      

Since reaching this age, I can see different angles that I was not aware of when I was younger, having the awareness of an older person, with the benefit of age and wisdom. Eddie Coyle did not have this awareness, caught up in his difficult life of crime and as he faced coming inprisonement. It was Mitchum's performance that was significant; portraying a character hurling towards his end as he enjoyed his beer watching a ball game as his 'friends' prepared to kill him. Perhaps this is a metaphor for the situation I face at work and life in my middle years. 

Saving Me from Myself

Last week, our daily standup on the obso project continued, plus an additional meeting with our European counterparts to find out about the impact on their process. The team is ready to move ahead, but did not know the full picture of the migration. Meeting with our European counterparts revealed the full extent of the work, so further meetings are planned to have the checklist updated. European Lead scheduled a meeting with me next week to go over the new planning.

A gap was discovered in one of our previous rollouts where a file was not being sent, which resulted in customer data not being updated. This was a serious issue that further distracted me as I had to respond to a reply from the squad that would fix this issue, insisting on prioritization. I have to quickly assess the situation and react without necessarily understanding the technical details.  A similar situation exists in the obso project, as knowledge of firewalls, virtual IP addresses, Linux machines, and high availability environments is required.

I met with another team with regards to the business continuity plan, where an exercise was postponed last week due to bad planning and the unpreparedness of the testing team. A portion of the cancellation can be laid at my doorstep as I was also scrambling due to the other projects that I was working on. Since I was working over and beyond my role, I lost focus on the other project that I was managing, especially the business continuity.

Two other projects required my attention as well. One project about export started badly with a conflict with the business leader has turned out better with a planning event scheduled in May. The other project with European participation on the production application has turned nasty, with the European team requesting that I turn over my responsibility to the European side. I had a good meeting with the deployment manager, and she was very kind and accommodating. Unfortunately, the good feeling did not last till the afternoon after her meeting minutes triggered a reaction.

My boss told me not to respond, but I did anyway, which upset him. I said I lost focus with the many other projects I was handling. Instead, I created a group chat as he instructed and engaged with the management team and the architect to get their understanding. I was upset to be 'muzzled', but I realized my boss was just protecting me from my worst instincts. I will know next week the outcome if I will continue in this project.

Nature Stills the Beast

Last week was the retrospective of the failed backup and recovery exercise. I was the center of the issue for almost all of the people in the call, though they were just looking for a scapegoat. The team was never really prepared, and the past session proved it. Most of my colleagues said the team is 'underwater', meaning their workload exceeded their capacity. In fact, I feel that I am underwater in that project as well, so we were all juggling too many tasks simultaneously. Indeed, it was a busy past few weeks, exacerbated by the silliness and turmoil in Washington.

The seemingly confused and incompetent government was a shield for most people in trouble, meaning if the government is not up to the job, just 'winging' then I am not in such bad shape with my own predicament. My other project is led by a brilliant young lady from Europe, but she seems to have their heritage in North Africa. She is highly capable, but she is also over her head, as she likes to do everything herself and does not delegate or work with other people. Seems like the current president thinks he is an expert in economics and trade policy.

A few weeks back, I was informed that I am eligible for early retirement, which my mind is in its overthinking mode, started imagining conspirarcies, that management sees that I am past my prime and too old to handle these difficult projects that I am leading; offering perhaps an easy way out; an off ramp so to speak. But such was not the case when I saw the list of names; prominent management people I looked up to, and I was glad to be in such distinguished company. I was starting to plan my early retirement when I shared this plan with my French friend, who was surprised that I would even think of such a thing.

Hence, my mind went back to normal, realizing the error of its ways in overthinking + a wild imagination that likes to conjure up romantic entanglements and the jealousy that it brings to innocent encounters. Such is the state of an adolescent mind that still thinks about illicit romances through shielded gazes or half smiles that don't mean anything. Meditation stills the mind, and mindfulness allows one to recognize when the brain goes into the rabbit hole, thinking of scenarios that are crazy when viewed in a more sober light.

The weekend started with a great hike in the Jones Gap, climbing up the mountain to see waterfalls, amidst the trees, and the surrounding views of the surrounding mountains. It was a tiring, nearly 5-hour hike that cleansed the mind of its silliness. Nature brings respite, especially with friends, that ends in a good dinner and conversation. Easter Sunday and the Holy Week bring back solemn memories of times past in my youth, with somber parades of piety and people carrying crosses to be nailed to fulfill fantasies of being Christ on the cross.

The next day after the hike, I looked at old pictures from 28 years ago when I went hiking with friends in the mountains of Batangas and Rizal,  camping overnight after the long trek up, swimming in waterfalls and eating and drinking, and going to the beach on the way down. Other pictures of a young family with young kids, riding horses on the trail up Taal volcano. My life in my late 20s was good, with camping trips and road trips with my wife and family, wonderful years before moving to Singapore and later to South Carolina.

Disaster Cometh ?

Last week was eventful and stressful. The project activity scheduled this weekend was canceled and postponed to the fall. I was at the center being the project leader met with several in a room where we traded accusations on who was at fault. I remained calm and responded with several barbs on my own. The meeting ended relatively well and continued via group chat with meeting notes plus my announcement that the event was canceled after meeting the committee. This was welcome news as everyone was relieved. I got a few likes with that post.

I continued to have workshops where the support people did a 'dry run' for the scheduled activity; clearly, they were not ready, especially with the timing where they needed to complete their work in a short window. The support folks are new, having only started this year, and did not have the same experience and knowledge that the previous group that did this activity for several years. The lack of experience, the departure of key leaders involved in the past event, and the removal of a key project role left me holding the bag. Hence, the vultures start circling my corpse.  Is a resurrection possible?

Being a Catholic with a belief in redemption, pain, and suffering, there is a journey to take which requires going through the gauntlet. I have been in this position before and always persevered to the end, like in the 5k races I joined or the mountain hikes, where I crossed the finish line not as the best in class but as a survivor who never gives up. This is not necessarily the experience management would like but often times this work is only done by the stupid idiot or the bull-headed because no one in their right mind would attempt it. Could there be a better way?

Perhaps there is a better way, but under the circumstances of having a new team, of the distractions due to everyday problems, change in the leadership structure, and the departure of key people,; this was the inevitable outcome. Canceling the project was the best action; deciding quickly to avoid a larger cost was my saving grace; making the case for redemption. But should I continue and persevere or just take the money and enjoy my retirement. Last month, I crossed a milestone of serving 3 decades in the company, and last week was awarded an early retirement package giving me an escape hatch. 

This is the situation I find myself in where I have a chance to start my retirement and work on my dreams of being a writer and enjoying life instead of working for a few more years. A new journey of starting anew. Do I have the financial resources to avoid claiming social security early? I believe so but I still have not lost the urge to fight and continue on the struggle which I do enjoy and pursue the pleasure of getting the job done and overcoming obstacles. Starting life anew in retirement may seem to be the hardest choice but perhaps the wisest at this stage of my life.

Nature Works

Last week, there were episodes of stress. One project had a critical go-live this weekend (which ended well), and participants were getting nervous and raising pessimistic scenarios. Another larger project was also going live in the next week where there was risk perceived by the overall manager. He sent an email and organized a daily meeting for next week with top managers. He was right to raise the red flag as I have been left to fend for myself in not the best of circumstances.

I often find myself in this situation where I have to extract myself from difficulties like a hero in a movie. I tend to move forward in a risky environment confident of breaking through with my optimism and drive. Perhaps this attitude seems reckless but like an athlete in a race, one must just prevail against constraints imposed by the body, by the environment, and by other individuals who like to hamper progress. In other words, I treat a project as a mental and physical challenge that needs to be conquered.

Obviously, the hero culture is a remnant of the old ways of working, instead a systemic process should prevail with governance and shared responsibility ensuring a well-measure response without stress or burnout to any individuals. This is the hallmark of a mature and advanced organization. My present workplace is a mix; in transition towards the target workplace and away from the 'Wild West' of the past with a hard-driving hero culture where the fittest survive.

On Friday, the emergency meeting started at 8 am and I prepared a slide to present the situation and delivered a report that explained the situation. In the afternoon, the leader of the support organization called and requested to postpone the disaster exercise which relieved me of the responsibility of the delay and preventing a failed exercise over the weekend. This is the best outcome that one can think of while hopefully, saving me and my reputation, wherein I find myself time and again in this place.

Yesterday we hiked for 4 hours in a state park with cool weather of spring and I enjoyed the trek though my friends were not as physically fit. Similar to the project at the workplace, where I persevere with my stamina despite some momentary setbacks. I loved to hike in the forest which allowed me to restore my equilibrium from the toxic workplace though my mind churned away on thoughts about friends and jealousy and rivalries. But nature does help in claiming the mind and bringing thought back into balance.

The food at the picnic was not great but welcome after the hike as we sat before a small lake under the trees enjoying the scene. We went home afterward, with a short stay at a friend's house to watch the turmoil in the markets due to the tariffs raised a few days again (Liberation Day). I woke up early the next day at 2 am as a database was migrated to a new server and went live without an issue. This outcome was a good start for the coming week as I feel refreshed to face next challenges in the days ahead.

Spring Cometh

Spring is here. Last week the lingering cold of winter remains though spring is around the corner with buds coming out, birds and bees fly about. Time to focus on lawn care by spraying weed killer, scarifying the lawn, and laying out weed and feed granules. I thought about doing all these tasks in one day but realized it's my all or nothing mindset. Instead I cleared out the old pergola, rearranged the furniture and will spray weed later at dusk. I will do the other tasks later in the week.

The week at work had some diffcult meetings where I needed to re-schedule to clear up some concerns though I did not follow the procedure and went about my bullying and authoritarian ways. My boss gave his usula feedback and said I was doing good, being a veteran project manger and giving guidance to the younger people in the team. Of course, I am the oldest person in the department having close to 30 years of service so I am the eldest in the department which makes me feel dated and irrelevant.

He did say that my character fault is being abrasive which is a trait I admit to have, due to my feeling of superiority; not recognizing that people don't have a hyper-active mind like me. Surprise! Yesterday I participated as judge in the TM area contest and the speeches where very good, with a much higher quality of speeches than the usual area contest. It was a challenge to decide on the best when almost all were very good speakers; mostly coming from the same club. I like going to these events and listening to the speeches as judge. Perhaps my abrasiveness  is due people not living to the TM standards.

I spoke to an old friend, an office mate and toastmaster herself, roughly the same age and with similar years of service. We talked about retirement and about the old department where I used to work in together with her and exchanged notes on the leadership who did not treat me well. I was traumatized during that period though I recovered from the ordeal. The transition to my new post had been good though internally I was plaugued by doubt and everytme I have difficult meetings, I have attacks of imposter syndrome.

These episodes of stress are momentary as my meditation and mindfulness practice helped me evolved away from my usual catastrophic mindset which hit the apex in my last department role. Social interactions with my friends who are aware of my difficulties with a younger colleague, also a "friend" have been ackward but I exhibited my best behavior; keeping any anger in check and moving on. But I will never have the same closeness with my clique as our values are not the same. They now seem trivial and foolish with a shallow view of life.

I watched the film 'Siddharta' and listened to the book by Herman Hesse where the film was based, about the awakening of a young Brahmin. It's the type of book that one should read when young or when middle aged, searching for enlightenment in one's remaining years. Hesse was a Nobel awardee and so is Anne Ernaux whose book about a physical affair between an elder writer and a younger man would seem like overly sexual in an earlier time. The contrast between Earnaux and Hesse is stark; as if the world turned into hedonism and pleasure.

I am aware when my mind hits it's day dreaming mode, as if stuck in limbo the way a computer would "hang"; the mind filled with multiple thoughts and tasks. I wonder if this is the result of age; though I do have contradictory impulses or too much tasks like wanting to write a book, go to the gym, learn French and play the ukelele and guitar. The mental lapses is managed with TDSC and TMS devices especially in the afternoon as the mind gets tired and loses attention.

I have been using music and sound therapy, binaural beats and Georgian chants to suppliment my morning meditation. I also juggle and plan to play computer games to keep my cognition sharp. I worry that my mental state will deteriorate faster if I don't continue learning and meditate. This is the challenge of getting old and sometimes spring and summer give hope of renewal. I dreamed recently of being in a war, not with guns or bulletes, but of boundaries with people running in rolling fields and hillsides, protecting their territory with bluster.

Crossing a Threshold

I feel that I have overcome major obstacles recently, though I am not sure what. Perhaps it was the start-up presentation, the recent completion of a project or the good progress of others. Perhaps it is the recognition that I have considerable experience in what I do. Also being assigned to a significant undertaking is another step up. A lot of work lies ahead, and it would be a long journey for one undertaking, and it would be the first time such a major task that I would lead.

Perhaps it is the stillness of my mind due to meditation or mindfulness or just old age that I meet these new challenges with calmness. A recent podcast in 'The Art of Manliness' talked about the expansion of time, where time seems to expand during a traumatic event even if the actual activity took only a few seconds. Young people seem to enjoy this 'slowness' of time while middle-aged people seem to wonder how time flies. However, the time can be 'expanded' by meditation, which I agree.

The work environment also has a sober atmosphere, not driven by confusion or unwarranted urgency; where challenges are not dealt with panic or finger pointing, which I had in my previous department. It was a toxic place that brought out the panic mode of my character, contributing to churning thoughts and anxiety. I feel that I am in the company of more intelligent and professional colleagues that I count on to help me and watch my back. 

The character of our boss is the main reason for this state of affairs as he stays above the fray and gives his team freedom to handle the project being worked on. This confidence and his down-to-earth demeanor, plus his competency, brings out the best of us. The only obstacle is my own nature, where I like to grandstand and speak out of competitiveness to be noticed and recognized. The best thing I could do is to shut up and listen and speak only when asked.

This is the best circumstance where one could grow and thrive. I have finally arrived at a place where I could prosper, with the right people who are smart and intelligent and where I could learn something new, not in a competitive way but in a relaxed, loving environment. For sure, I have to keep growing, to learn new subjects and new skills, to change my normal inclination to talk and be more thoughtful in my response and measured in my response.

The days of being a swashbuckling super hero are long gone, mainly because of my role, my age, my circumstances and the demands of my role. Recently my thoughts were filled with memories past: my time in Singapore, in the old company in Alabang, of past friends and acquaintances. Facebook is filled with pictures of former classmates, co-workers, friends, and places. I posted yesterday pictures of a race I competed in, running amongst green fields as if I was a youngster.

I also started to relive past projects, past successes and victories as I looked in my old computer files as I got a new laptop. Past events that had escaped my mind as I was assigned a new project with old colleagues on a system, and I had managed for a long time, about 4 or 5 years ago, before COVID and the change to Lean and Agile. It was as if I had returned back in time to relive past victories and reclaim some of the magic of youth when everything seemed possible.

Shared Consciousness

Last week, I presented my project at the weekly meeting of the management team. I was anxious but kept my focus, maintaining focus and calm instead of my usual distraction and escape via day dreaming. Mindfulness and meditation kept me aware without succumbing to rumination and doomsday thinking. This was not a difficult task since I have been a Toastmaster for over a decade and had my share of public speaking assignments. It was the presence of upper management that gave me stress.

However, I did not waver, keeping my wits and speaking my spiel at the right tempo, though I was not able to answer the questions from the audience. Still, I did get help from some of the attendees. It was a good presentation despite my impression that I should have done better. I had several other meetings during the week where I led the discussions and also did well; voicing my views and leading the sessions. I am already too old to still feel these jitters despite my experience and training.

Yesterday, we had another get together with my friends, though I still feel alienated from the group despite our long relationship and friendships. I have never been comfortable in these settings and prefer drinking sessions with vigorous discussion of timely topics instead of the silliness and self-righteousness of these gatherings, feeling superior to others without understanding the realties of life; focusing on trivialities and materialism. Nevertheless, the food is always good, though I overeat and have to struggle to lose weight in the next few days.

I realize that my thoughts of superiority, to be above their silliness, is also vain exercise; feeling like I am better than them, but I may be the worse of the lot, and thinking too much instead of enjoying the moment. I still feel angry about some office politics and intrigue with some so-called 'friend' who distorts the topic behind my back, corrupting the friendship of my other friends, making me feel the outsider though I do not accept that I am at fault.

The mix of work and friendship is never good, especially if there is envy and competition and delusions put into the mix. But fortune has swung my way and I feel that I am in a good place, able to do my work, surrounded with good colleagues who are young and smart and energetic with a fair and good boss with good projects assigned to me that I feel I am finally thriving. Last week's presentation is a further step forward, away from the turmoil and bad management of the past.

In fact, my former department seems to be in turmoil with delayed projects, production issues, and the departure of key people plus significant reorganization. My department is also undergoing changes, though in a good way, with delivery of new application features, learning new techniques and growing our skills. I feel more confident in my schedule and leading meetings and getting things done whereas my former colleagues seem stuck in the same toxic environment.

 

Staying Inside

Recently I suggested a different tool to get work done, bypassing the usual process as the current situation did not warrant a real project yet.  In my eagerness to show that I am smart and filled with new ideas, I thought my proposal would be approved. Instead, it did not get any enthusiasm and I landed flat in my face, realizing how silly it seemed after though I was eager to support business to get things done. I was stuck in my head with churning thoughts, logically aligning ideas that it seemed a stroke of genius but ended up like an immature act.

No one wants to do additional work or go beyond the usual tools, to stay safe. This was the wall that I smacked into but in reality I should have known better than to act like an eager newbie rather than a grizzled old veteran. In the end, my natural inclination to act was not viewed as leadership or initiative but a trying-hard attempt to seize control from the higher-ups. It was my mind getting ahead of me, over thinking futile attempts against the wishes of tired old men who are afraid of new ideas.

I failed to see the world as it really is; instead seeing the possibilities that can arise with one's verve and bravado. Living in the true reality does remove one's inclination to strive and do something. Instead, one moves with a slow pace and tries to see how one can live in the slow lane even if this means doing uninteresting tasks like preparing a PowerPoint presentation instead of doing the actual effort of getting things done and completing projects. To GO LIVE is the ultimate goal of the project manager.

Today I looked at my old stack of company newsletters from a company where I worked in my mid-20s; re-reading articles that I wrote, being a member of the Editorial Board, being a mentor to young kids, deploying new accounting systems, training staff on computer technology, attending seminars and being active in office activities. I was finishing my MBA, about to get married, and just changed career; moving from government as an economist researcher to the private sector into the field of computer technology and project management.

Those were exciting times nearly 35 years ago, making significant changes in my life and career. I did not waste an opportunity that came my way. I worked in that company for nearly 10 years before moving to Singapore where I lived for 7 years. Those times in Singapore were also exciting where I made another significant move. I recently posted a video of those times in Singapore which brought wonderful memories.

Now in my current stage of life, I still have my wits and with significant project management experience, just changed departments though still within my trade. It's been a long voyage across continents, to different cultures and companies. I survived and thrived all these years, though some moments filled with stress and anxiety, with so many changes occurring that I thrived in these circumstances. I am a global worker; moving with the tides where ever the economics would bring me. 

New Battles

With my career at the office at almost 30 years, looking for enthusiasm and excitement in the daily drudgery is not that difficult. I think I have achieved some peace by focusing on the moment though sometimes one thinks of the status of what one must have at my age and years of service. But that reeks of feeling privilege breeds resentment and rumination when one just needs to enjoy the simple aspects of working every day; be able to do one's trade to the best of one's abilities.

Others who are more fortunate to go up the ladder quickly do not make me feel bad though sometimes one feels resentment but with the realization that a higher role may not be apt for one's temperament. I like being in the front line so to speak, to be James Bond out in the fields instead of this boss 'M'. Smiley in John Le Carre's book is a good example of a master handler; orchestrating spy coups while working behind the scenes though this work did have its moments of strategy, boldness, and discrete actions.

Working with much younger people who are driven and smart does not exclude me from the game as I keep trudging along with difficult projects though far from the work that attracts the limelight. Like Smiley, I like to delve into the shadows, orchestrating and coordinating work behind the scenes so that my colleagues do recognize my experience and subtleness; not the usual blow-hard pronouncements of the grizzled old veteran. Somehow I manage to keep the youthful enthusiasm and spirit of a much younger man; without the bitterness or sullenness of a middle-aged careerist who may not have ascended the heights of management.

I do say what I feel and bring out my thoughts that others might be circumscribed to control that one may have a reputation of being a loose canon instead of a feel-good management climber who says what people like to hear.  I still have this urge to throw the bomb out of my own nature to say it it is but perhaps this hint of feeling bypassed that one needs to take a stand out of experience while must the younger generation. After all, I am a veteran of multiple projects and worked in different places like Asia, Europe, and US. So I have the gravitas of the old experienced warrior who may have crossed a few lines that prevented a career rise.

One is just grateful to be working in the field, doing what one does with quiet victories, and achieving simple goals like regular golf, Toastmaster's meetings, running 5k races, biking and hiking, and enjoying good food and movies. To be mentally and physically healthy with the good cheer of the old happy worker living out the remaining years of a long career with a chance to achieve a lifelong career in retirement that one has been preparing oneself is the ultimate victory of this quiet journey.

In the meantime, one faces new battles with new actors on the stage, a new way of working, a young and envigorated management team plus exciting developments in technology like AI that could potentially change the way one works. The old warrior adapts and journeys to this new terrain, keeping his wits with his nose close to the ground, keeping himself fit to maintain the relevance and stamina needed in the new workplace after the specter of COVID finally recedes in the background. 

Keeping Grudges

Yesterday I competed in a 5k race downtown with slight rain pouring down at different times. It was a nice day when the sun came out for a few moments but mostly downcast and cloudy. Running along the city streets, the park, and the swamp rabbit trail where we normally biked on weekends, it was a great morning despite the rain.  In the afternoon, I went swimming for about 30 minutes and enjoyed the hot tub and sauna. I ate Cuban roast pork with mojo sauce at lunch and enjoyed a glass of wine. It took more than 6 hours to cook the roast pork.  I drank cafe liqueur with gin and tonic water. 

Today, Sunday, afternoon I biked for 2 hours struggling with my racer bike because my e-bike had a flat. Nevertheless, it was a nice though cold and windy day. We biked after lunch with the remaining Cuban roast pork with black beans and yellow rice with mojo sauce. I ate too much which made me want to exercise to compensate for too much food and drink. I try to enjoy myself with activity as my mind keeps having thoughts of resentment of my former management, those moments of humiliation and anger that I keep inside. Despite my attempts at meditation and mindfulness and consciously avoiding troubling thoughts, my mind circles back to past grievances.

My week in the office was good with the team getting back to work after the Christmas holidays and getting on with new challenges. I continue to lead the obsolescence and migration project as the other PM is on vacation. I brought in new people - a database expert, a full-stack architect, and additional testing resources. I organized a meeting to get an old architectural document updated and responded to emails on this topic. I also attended meetings on a crisis impacting customers who are using multiple systems to create their accounts. I am also preparing for a major system testing scheduled this year.

All this new work is good for me to keep occupied, practice my trade as a project manager, learn new topics, and lead these activities to fruition. I also participated in Toastmeast meetings, evaluated a speech, and went to the gym to prepare the the 5k race this weekend. Despite this busy schedule, I can't help but have these churning thoughts of past resentments dominate my mind during moments of idle thought. Meditation does allow me to monitor my mind and try to consciously leave this state of negative thinking. It is a struggle especially when I sleep in the evening.

Meditation is supposed to deconstruct the mind according to some thoughts, but the struggle is to construct it in a state of 'non-duality' which is not an easy task as the EGO always comes back with a vengeance. I feel less hesitant moving forward on my projects, and less self-doubt which is the benefit of a less troubled mind with churning thoughts, trying to avoid 'predictive thinking' and living in the now. This is the task one needs to train the mind as it comes out of meditation with the awareness of churning thoughts.