Keeping One's Bearings

Over the past few weeks, I have been trying to get my bearings in the work I am doing. Working on several projects is not easy, especially when one needs to dive deep and lead several initiatives in each individual project. Just keeping track of the tasks in each project, with several to-do lists, is a challenge. Using the latest tools like MS Planner is a lifesaver.  The mind has to multitask with the workload that one is subjected to. The tools that help one in this daily struggle will ensure mental peace.

One project is regional catastrophe planning, where several simulations are planned to transfer applications to a fail-safe environment. This entails coordinating meetings and workshops with multiple groups, including the customer support team, the application support team, and the external backup company, which has members worldwide. Another project is the ongoing obsolescence project, where app locations are moved to a more modern and secure environment.

This project also entails working with the customer support organization, application support, and the external infrastructure organization. This involves scheduling meetings, writing emails, planning workshops, and so on. A third project is a Logistics one where some programs need to be revised so that one's shipments to other countries are not hampered by incorrect documentation. This endeavor involved working closely with business leaders, stakeholders, and application developers.

Other smaller projects exist and are mixed into this stew of multitasking and further confusion and complexity. Decommission servers related to a previous project, coordinate backup testing for two applications in Central America and North America. Further adding stress is the ongoing request for funding for these projects due to the recent slowdown in markets that require the reduction of working budgets. Under this complex working environment, one has to stay afloat, attend department meetings, and log one's time entry before the end of the month. One has to be aware of the individual quirks of personality of the people one works with.

This is not the dreary and boring workspace of a large bureaucracy but the hot house of a major global company where initiatives come and go, crisis happens, and politics need to be played. Personal interactions are important, as one needs to be polite and follow the prevailing rules, go to the office at least for the majority of the work week, while trying to stay focused while working remotely and doom-scrolling on one's phone. Under this personal backdrop is the cultural and political chaos of the presidential office, the infighting and several divisions, which only causes more stress and confusion. It seems like a Russian plot to sow disorder in Western societies has now come to pass.  Hence, the need to get one's bearings, to restore a sense of equilibrium and balance, mainly to keep sane and continue functioning as a competent cog in the global machine of commerce.

Windy City

We spent the first week of July in Chicago, arriving on the 1st and leaving on the 5th with a day trip to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The weather was beautiful and the city was glorious. We spent the first morning on an architectural boat tour along the river, the guide an expert on the history and styles of the buildings. It was a very enjoyable trip under a brilliant blue sky, and as hot as we expected. After the boat trip, we explored Grant Park, listening to a free classical concert at Millenium Park. Dinner was a Poke bowl of tuna, salmon, rice, avocado, seaweed, and lettuce. 

The next days were spent visiting the Art Institute of Chicago, which had a great collection of Impressionist paintings and a short history of European history focused on the Catholic reign of Ferdinand and Isabel and the combination of the Habsburg empire with the marriage of their daughter to a Habsburg scion. It was a very large and substantive collection, and it was tiresome to look at the exhibits and, afterward, continue to explore the city and parks. The museum had great views of the Frank Gehry concert hall at Millennium Park, where we enjoyed free concerts.

The Chicago skyline and the architecture of the building were exceptional, especially the intriguing Cloud Gate sculpture commonly known as 'the Bean' and the Frank Gehry bridge crossing from Millennium Park to the Maggie Daley Park. The Cultural Center and the Design Museum were the common man's venue to display 'folk art', and I particularly enjoyed the Blondell Cummins dance exhibit 'Dance as Moving Pictures'. The center was the former City Library with impressive high-ceiling rooms, majestic staircases, and magnificent domed ceilings.

• Day 1: River boat tour on Chicago architecture
• Day 2: Art Institute of Chicago, Maggie Daley Park, watch fireworks along the shore
• Day 3: Walking tour of Art Deco buildings,  Cultural Center of Chicago, Design Museum
• Day 4: Visit Milwaukee via Amtrak train, Pabst Beer Mansion, Milwaukee park near shore, downtown, return to Chicago, 4th of July Concert at Millennium Park   

Armtrak train ride of Milwaukee oferred glimpses of the countyr side of Illinous and Minesota and a good brak and contrast from the grand urban city scape of Chicago. The Pabst mansion had incredible intricate interiors with impressive delicate wood work, great attention to detail and offered a glimpse of welath at the turn of the century. It was a large mansion but drawfed by the huge palaces that came at the turn of the 20th cenutry. We saw an NCAA fencing chanpionship as we explored the city , walking near the shore with a view of the Art Museum designed by Earo Saarnisen.

The 4th of July concett was a blast with an entertaining Irish conductor. I had brought beer and I enjoyed the music, beauty and grandueer of the concert hall and the surrounding sky scrapers. Dinner was our usual Poke bowl and Ramen soup. I did not have time to enjoy the penthouse pool in the evening as we had to pack for the early morning trip to the airport. Chicago offered a welcome break and a chance to discover something new, to see a different part of America and admire the breath of the American experience.

Aging with Grace

Last week, my boss helped me by telling me what to post in a group chat with the director; he often posts his own comments in a three-way conversation where the director thinks he is conversing with 3 people but in fact in most instances with my boss, since some of my comments came from him. I pause when I post, thinking about how I should state things since recently I've been criticised for some of my commentary. I do agree that I post aggressive statements to provoke people I communicate with.

But sometimes I wonder if the way I speak is not appropriate. I notice that I jump to certain conclusions without the proper build-up that would ease the transition to my conclusion, to give the listeners time to understand how I reached that conclusion. I am an instinctive thinker, and I speak from my gut instead of building a logical argument that would explain the reasoning behind my statements. I also speak too fast as if to show that I discovered the 'truth' before anyone. 

I wonder if it's a sign of cognitive defect or the reverse: speed of thought, as my mind is always thinking, looking at all the angles. I do notice that people are slow in thinking, which is a conceit when in fact this is the right tempo to let the group slowly understand the subject being discussed and allow everyone in the group to reach a common realization. Of course, each will have their own reaction and conclusion, but with the same understanding of the facts.

I am working with new people that I've met only a year or so ago, in a new assignment and with different circumstances that before were where I'd work with my former colleagues for several decades in the same department. The newness of the situation kept the mind alert, to understand the new social norms, way of speaking and working, especially with a much younger than me. I have to pay attention to what I say and do, as the young folks don't share the same views as a much older person.

Recently, a former colleague retired, and like me, has been in the company for 3 decades, and I felt sad that she left, as we worked together for several years before I transferred to another department. This move has been very fortunate, and I thank the stars for my luck to come into a new environment and meet new people. It does bring more pressure, but I have been moving around a lot in my career, so I enjoy the journey and have done this transformation many times.

I do have to pay attention to social cues and norms, and Toastmasters has helped me navigate this voyage as well as improve my speaking and leadership skills. I do fret that age will affect my cognition, that the episode with my boss is a sign of some decline. But it is my overthinking that is causing all these instead of just moving forward and just doing it. There will be stumbles and mistakes, but that should be taken as a normal occurrence, and one should be humble and keep one's composure.

Watching Old Movies

I watched Robert Mitchum in the film 'Friends of Eddie Coyle'. His portrayal of a tragic, middle-aged low-level hood trying to make ends meet,  lost in the machinations of the mob and law, and ended up dead as the fall-guy; laid low by his boss - playing at a higher level that he was unaware of. Mitchum was an actor that I admired in my youth and looking at his portrayal at the age of around 56 in a good film by Peter Yates recalled all his great qualities as an actor especially in the film 'Yakuza' possible the best film on that genre.

It felt strange seeing him in that role at my age about 4 years older than Mitchum when he made the film. I am that middle-age person he is portraying, trying to make ends meet in my own work, going to the office and doing my projects and staying relevant. I am good at what I do, having done this work for most of my 30 year career and I identified with the character of Eddie Coyle, not because I am in the same line of work but in the situation of being middle-aged in a harsh world though not in the deadly underworld of the Boston mob.

I watched this movie before but forgot it's intimacy and details and watching the movie at my age; felt different than when I admired Mitchum's work when I was young; watching 'Yakuza' with my father when the movie first came out in the 70's, combining my love of Japan and the action of martial arts and the American cowboy loner fighting against the Yakuza. Japan as a movie locale with a Westerner thriving in that culture such as Sen Connery as James Bond in 'You Only Live Twice'.

Both movies stared heroes of mine growing up and re-watching their movies decades later is poignant because I discovered these movies with my father who also admired both Robert Mitchum and Sean Connery. Connery was much younger when he made 'Your Only Live Twice' and he was a bigger influence to me and a great movie star. 

I watched 'Friends of Eddie Coyle' in a 85 inch screen, the image flashed by a projector, with large speakers providing a soundtract behind me, simulating the feeling of being in a movie house, s I lay on a benie bag looking up at the screen. It was as if I was back in the theathre many years ago watching Mitchum and enjoying his singular performance as an anti-hero; though without the adult understanding of the movie's context.      

Since reaching this age, I can see different angles that I was not aware of when I was younger, having the awareness of an older person, with the benefit of age and wisdom. Eddie Coyle did not have this awareness, caught up in his difficult life of crime and as he faced coming inprisonement. It was Mitchum's performance that was significant; portraying a character hurling towards his end as he enjoyed his beer watching a ball game as his 'friends' prepared to kill him. Perhaps this is a metaphor for the situation I face at work and life in my middle years. 

Saving Me from Myself

Last week, our daily standup on the obso project continued, plus an additional meeting with our European counterparts to find out about the impact on their process. The team is ready to move ahead, but did not know the full picture of the migration. Meeting with our European counterparts revealed the full extent of the work, so further meetings are planned to have the checklist updated. European Lead scheduled a meeting with me next week to go over the new planning.

A gap was discovered in one of our previous rollouts where a file was not being sent, which resulted in customer data not being updated. This was a serious issue that further distracted me as I had to respond to a reply from the squad that would fix this issue, insisting on prioritization. I have to quickly assess the situation and react without necessarily understanding the technical details.  A similar situation exists in the obso project, as knowledge of firewalls, virtual IP addresses, Linux machines, and high availability environments is required.

I met with another team with regards to the business continuity plan, where an exercise was postponed last week due to bad planning and the unpreparedness of the testing team. A portion of the cancellation can be laid at my doorstep as I was also scrambling due to the other projects that I was working on. Since I was working over and beyond my role, I lost focus on the other project that I was managing, especially the business continuity.

Two other projects required my attention as well. One project about export started badly with a conflict with the business leader has turned out better with a planning event scheduled in May. The other project with European participation on the production application has turned nasty, with the European team requesting that I turn over my responsibility to the European side. I had a good meeting with the deployment manager, and she was very kind and accommodating. Unfortunately, the good feeling did not last till the afternoon after her meeting minutes triggered a reaction.

My boss told me not to respond, but I did anyway, which upset him. I said I lost focus with the many other projects I was handling. Instead, I created a group chat as he instructed and engaged with the management team and the architect to get their understanding. I was upset to be 'muzzled', but I realized my boss was just protecting me from my worst instincts. I will know next week the outcome if I will continue in this project.

Nature Stills the Beast

Last week was the retrospective of the failed backup and recovery exercise. I was the center of the issue for almost all of the people in the call, though they were just looking for a scapegoat. The team was never really prepared, and the past session proved it. Most of my colleagues said the team is 'underwater', meaning their workload exceeded their capacity. In fact, I feel that I am underwater in that project as well, so we were all juggling too many tasks simultaneously. Indeed, it was a busy past few weeks, exacerbated by the silliness and turmoil in Washington.

The seemingly confused and incompetent government was a shield for most people in trouble, meaning if the government is not up to the job, just 'winging' then I am not in such bad shape with my own predicament. My other project is led by a brilliant young lady from Europe, but she seems to have their heritage in North Africa. She is highly capable, but she is also over her head, as she likes to do everything herself and does not delegate or work with other people. Seems like the current president thinks he is an expert in economics and trade policy.

A few weeks back, I was informed that I am eligible for early retirement, which my mind is in its overthinking mode, started imagining conspirarcies, that management sees that I am past my prime and too old to handle these difficult projects that I am leading; offering perhaps an easy way out; an off ramp so to speak. But such was not the case when I saw the list of names; prominent management people I looked up to, and I was glad to be in such distinguished company. I was starting to plan my early retirement when I shared this plan with my French friend, who was surprised that I would even think of such a thing.

Hence, my mind went back to normal, realizing the error of its ways in overthinking + a wild imagination that likes to conjure up romantic entanglements and the jealousy that it brings to innocent encounters. Such is the state of an adolescent mind that still thinks about illicit romances through shielded gazes or half smiles that don't mean anything. Meditation stills the mind, and mindfulness allows one to recognize when the brain goes into the rabbit hole, thinking of scenarios that are crazy when viewed in a more sober light.

The weekend started with a great hike in the Jones Gap, climbing up the mountain to see waterfalls, amidst the trees, and the surrounding views of the surrounding mountains. It was a tiring, nearly 5-hour hike that cleansed the mind of its silliness. Nature brings respite, especially with friends, that ends in a good dinner and conversation. Easter Sunday and the Holy Week bring back solemn memories of times past in my youth, with somber parades of piety and people carrying crosses to be nailed to fulfill fantasies of being Christ on the cross.

The next day after the hike, I looked at old pictures from 28 years ago when I went hiking with friends in the mountains of Batangas and Rizal,  camping overnight after the long trek up, swimming in waterfalls and eating and drinking, and going to the beach on the way down. Other pictures of a young family with young kids, riding horses on the trail up Taal volcano. My life in my late 20s was good, with camping trips and road trips with my wife and family, wonderful years before moving to Singapore and later to South Carolina.

Disaster Cometh ?

Last week was eventful and stressful. The project activity scheduled this weekend was canceled and postponed to the fall. I was at the center being the project leader met with several in a room where we traded accusations on who was at fault. I remained calm and responded with several barbs on my own. The meeting ended relatively well and continued via group chat with meeting notes plus my announcement that the event was canceled after meeting the committee. This was welcome news as everyone was relieved. I got a few likes with that post.

I continued to have workshops where the support people did a 'dry run' for the scheduled activity; clearly, they were not ready, especially with the timing where they needed to complete their work in a short window. The support folks are new, having only started this year, and did not have the same experience and knowledge that the previous group that did this activity for several years. The lack of experience, the departure of key leaders involved in the past event, and the removal of a key project role left me holding the bag. Hence, the vultures start circling my corpse.  Is a resurrection possible?

Being a Catholic with a belief in redemption, pain, and suffering, there is a journey to take which requires going through the gauntlet. I have been in this position before and always persevered to the end, like in the 5k races I joined or the mountain hikes, where I crossed the finish line not as the best in class but as a survivor who never gives up. This is not necessarily the experience management would like but often times this work is only done by the stupid idiot or the bull-headed because no one in their right mind would attempt it. Could there be a better way?

Perhaps there is a better way, but under the circumstances of having a new team, of the distractions due to everyday problems, change in the leadership structure, and the departure of key people,; this was the inevitable outcome. Canceling the project was the best action; deciding quickly to avoid a larger cost was my saving grace; making the case for redemption. But should I continue and persevere or just take the money and enjoy my retirement. Last month, I crossed a milestone of serving 3 decades in the company, and last week was awarded an early retirement package giving me an escape hatch. 

This is the situation I find myself in where I have a chance to start my retirement and work on my dreams of being a writer and enjoying life instead of working for a few more years. A new journey of starting anew. Do I have the financial resources to avoid claiming social security early? I believe so but I still have not lost the urge to fight and continue on the struggle which I do enjoy and pursue the pleasure of getting the job done and overcoming obstacles. Starting life anew in retirement may seem to be the hardest choice but perhaps the wisest at this stage of my life.

Nature Works

Last week, there were episodes of stress. One project had a critical go-live this weekend (which ended well), and participants were getting nervous and raising pessimistic scenarios. Another larger project was also going live in the next week where there was risk perceived by the overall manager. He sent an email and organized a daily meeting for next week with top managers. He was right to raise the red flag as I have been left to fend for myself in not the best of circumstances.

I often find myself in this situation where I have to extract myself from difficulties like a hero in a movie. I tend to move forward in a risky environment confident of breaking through with my optimism and drive. Perhaps this attitude seems reckless but like an athlete in a race, one must just prevail against constraints imposed by the body, by the environment, and by other individuals who like to hamper progress. In other words, I treat a project as a mental and physical challenge that needs to be conquered.

Obviously, the hero culture is a remnant of the old ways of working, instead a systemic process should prevail with governance and shared responsibility ensuring a well-measure response without stress or burnout to any individuals. This is the hallmark of a mature and advanced organization. My present workplace is a mix; in transition towards the target workplace and away from the 'Wild West' of the past with a hard-driving hero culture where the fittest survive.

On Friday, the emergency meeting started at 8 am and I prepared a slide to present the situation and delivered a report that explained the situation. In the afternoon, the leader of the support organization called and requested to postpone the disaster exercise which relieved me of the responsibility of the delay and preventing a failed exercise over the weekend. This is the best outcome that one can think of while hopefully, saving me and my reputation, wherein I find myself time and again in this place.

Yesterday we hiked for 4 hours in a state park with cool weather of spring and I enjoyed the trek though my friends were not as physically fit. Similar to the project at the workplace, where I persevere with my stamina despite some momentary setbacks. I loved to hike in the forest which allowed me to restore my equilibrium from the toxic workplace though my mind churned away on thoughts about friends and jealousy and rivalries. But nature does help in claiming the mind and bringing thought back into balance.

The food at the picnic was not great but welcome after the hike as we sat before a small lake under the trees enjoying the scene. We went home afterward, with a short stay at a friend's house to watch the turmoil in the markets due to the tariffs raised a few days again (Liberation Day). I woke up early the next day at 2 am as a database was migrated to a new server and went live without an issue. This outcome was a good start for the coming week as I feel refreshed to face next challenges in the days ahead.

Spring Cometh

Spring is here. Last week the lingering cold of winter remains though spring is around the corner with buds coming out, birds and bees fly about. Time to focus on lawn care by spraying weed killer, scarifying the lawn, and laying out weed and feed granules. I thought about doing all these tasks in one day but realized it's my all or nothing mindset. Instead I cleared out the old pergola, rearranged the furniture and will spray weed later at dusk. I will do the other tasks later in the week.

The week at work had some diffcult meetings where I needed to re-schedule to clear up some concerns though I did not follow the procedure and went about my bullying and authoritarian ways. My boss gave his usula feedback and said I was doing good, being a veteran project manger and giving guidance to the younger people in the team. Of course, I am the oldest person in the department having close to 30 years of service so I am the eldest in the department which makes me feel dated and irrelevant.

He did say that my character fault is being abrasive which is a trait I admit to have, due to my feeling of superiority; not recognizing that people don't have a hyper-active mind like me. Surprise! Yesterday I participated as judge in the TM area contest and the speeches where very good, with a much higher quality of speeches than the usual area contest. It was a challenge to decide on the best when almost all were very good speakers; mostly coming from the same club. I like going to these events and listening to the speeches as judge. Perhaps my abrasiveness  is due people not living to the TM standards.

I spoke to an old friend, an office mate and toastmaster herself, roughly the same age and with similar years of service. We talked about retirement and about the old department where I used to work in together with her and exchanged notes on the leadership who did not treat me well. I was traumatized during that period though I recovered from the ordeal. The transition to my new post had been good though internally I was plaugued by doubt and everytme I have difficult meetings, I have attacks of imposter syndrome.

These episodes of stress are momentary as my meditation and mindfulness practice helped me evolved away from my usual catastrophic mindset which hit the apex in my last department role. Social interactions with my friends who are aware of my difficulties with a younger colleague, also a "friend" have been ackward but I exhibited my best behavior; keeping any anger in check and moving on. But I will never have the same closeness with my clique as our values are not the same. They now seem trivial and foolish with a shallow view of life.

I watched the film 'Siddharta' and listened to the book by Herman Hesse where the film was based, about the awakening of a young Brahmin. It's the type of book that one should read when young or when middle aged, searching for enlightenment in one's remaining years. Hesse was a Nobel awardee and so is Anne Ernaux whose book about a physical affair between an elder writer and a younger man would seem like overly sexual in an earlier time. The contrast between Earnaux and Hesse is stark; as if the world turned into hedonism and pleasure.

I am aware when my mind hits it's day dreaming mode, as if stuck in limbo the way a computer would "hang"; the mind filled with multiple thoughts and tasks. I wonder if this is the result of age; though I do have contradictory impulses or too much tasks like wanting to write a book, go to the gym, learn French and play the ukelele and guitar. The mental lapses is managed with TDSC and TMS devices especially in the afternoon as the mind gets tired and loses attention.

I have been using music and sound therapy, binaural beats and Georgian chants to suppliment my morning meditation. I also juggle and plan to play computer games to keep my cognition sharp. I worry that my mental state will deteriorate faster if I don't continue learning and meditate. This is the challenge of getting old and sometimes spring and summer give hope of renewal. I dreamed recently of being in a war, not with guns or bulletes, but of boundaries with people running in rolling fields and hillsides, protecting their territory with bluster.

Crossing a Threshold

I feel that I have overcome major obstacles recently, though I am not sure what. Perhaps it was the start-up presentation, the recent completion of a project or the good progress of others. Perhaps it is the recognition that I have considerable experience in what I do. Also being assigned to a significant undertaking is another step up. A lot of work lies ahead, and it would be a long journey for one undertaking, and it would be the first time such a major task that I would lead.

Perhaps it is the stillness of my mind due to meditation or mindfulness or just old age that I meet these new challenges with calmness. A recent podcast in 'The Art of Manliness' talked about the expansion of time, where time seems to expand during a traumatic event even if the actual activity took only a few seconds. Young people seem to enjoy this 'slowness' of time while middle-aged people seem to wonder how time flies. However, the time can be 'expanded' by meditation, which I agree.

The work environment also has a sober atmosphere, not driven by confusion or unwarranted urgency; where challenges are not dealt with panic or finger pointing, which I had in my previous department. It was a toxic place that brought out the panic mode of my character, contributing to churning thoughts and anxiety. I feel that I am in the company of more intelligent and professional colleagues that I count on to help me and watch my back. 

The character of our boss is the main reason for this state of affairs as he stays above the fray and gives his team freedom to handle the project being worked on. This confidence and his down-to-earth demeanor, plus his competency, brings out the best of us. The only obstacle is my own nature, where I like to grandstand and speak out of competitiveness to be noticed and recognized. The best thing I could do is to shut up and listen and speak only when asked.

This is the best circumstance where one could grow and thrive. I have finally arrived at a place where I could prosper, with the right people who are smart and intelligent and where I could learn something new, not in a competitive way but in a relaxed, loving environment. For sure, I have to keep growing, to learn new subjects and new skills, to change my normal inclination to talk and be more thoughtful in my response and measured in my response.

The days of being a swashbuckling super hero are long gone, mainly because of my role, my age, my circumstances and the demands of my role. Recently my thoughts were filled with memories past: my time in Singapore, in the old company in Alabang, of past friends and acquaintances. Facebook is filled with pictures of former classmates, co-workers, friends, and places. I posted yesterday pictures of a race I competed in, running amongst green fields as if I was a youngster.

I also started to relive past projects, past successes and victories as I looked in my old computer files as I got a new laptop. Past events that had escaped my mind as I was assigned a new project with old colleagues on a system, and I had managed for a long time, about 4 or 5 years ago, before COVID and the change to Lean and Agile. It was as if I had returned back in time to relive past victories and reclaim some of the magic of youth when everything seemed possible.

Shared Consciousness

Last week, I presented my project at the weekly meeting of the management team. I was anxious but kept my focus, maintaining focus and calm instead of my usual distraction and escape via day dreaming. Mindfulness and meditation kept me aware without succumbing to rumination and doomsday thinking. This was not a difficult task since I have been a Toastmaster for over a decade and had my share of public speaking assignments. It was the presence of upper management that gave me stress.

However, I did not waver, keeping my wits and speaking my spiel at the right tempo, though I was not able to answer the questions from the audience. Still, I did get help from some of the attendees. It was a good presentation despite my impression that I should have done better. I had several other meetings during the week where I led the discussions and also did well; voicing my views and leading the sessions. I am already too old to still feel these jitters despite my experience and training.

Yesterday, we had another get together with my friends, though I still feel alienated from the group despite our long relationship and friendships. I have never been comfortable in these settings and prefer drinking sessions with vigorous discussion of timely topics instead of the silliness and self-righteousness of these gatherings, feeling superior to others without understanding the realties of life; focusing on trivialities and materialism. Nevertheless, the food is always good, though I overeat and have to struggle to lose weight in the next few days.

I realize that my thoughts of superiority, to be above their silliness, is also vain exercise; feeling like I am better than them, but I may be the worse of the lot, and thinking too much instead of enjoying the moment. I still feel angry about some office politics and intrigue with some so-called 'friend' who distorts the topic behind my back, corrupting the friendship of my other friends, making me feel the outsider though I do not accept that I am at fault.

The mix of work and friendship is never good, especially if there is envy and competition and delusions put into the mix. But fortune has swung my way and I feel that I am in a good place, able to do my work, surrounded with good colleagues who are young and smart and energetic with a fair and good boss with good projects assigned to me that I feel I am finally thriving. Last week's presentation is a further step forward, away from the turmoil and bad management of the past.

In fact, my former department seems to be in turmoil with delayed projects, production issues, and the departure of key people plus significant reorganization. My department is also undergoing changes, though in a good way, with delivery of new application features, learning new techniques and growing our skills. I feel more confident in my schedule and leading meetings and getting things done whereas my former colleagues seem stuck in the same toxic environment.

 

Staying Inside

Recently I suggested a different tool to get work done, bypassing the usual process as the current situation did not warrant a real project yet.  In my eagerness to show that I am smart and filled with new ideas, I thought my proposal would be approved. Instead, it did not get any enthusiasm and I landed flat in my face, realizing how silly it seemed after though I was eager to support business to get things done. I was stuck in my head with churning thoughts, logically aligning ideas that it seemed a stroke of genius but ended up like an immature act.

No one wants to do additional work or go beyond the usual tools, to stay safe. This was the wall that I smacked into but in reality I should have known better than to act like an eager newbie rather than a grizzled old veteran. In the end, my natural inclination to act was not viewed as leadership or initiative but a trying-hard attempt to seize control from the higher-ups. It was my mind getting ahead of me, over thinking futile attempts against the wishes of tired old men who are afraid of new ideas.

I failed to see the world as it really is; instead seeing the possibilities that can arise with one's verve and bravado. Living in the true reality does remove one's inclination to strive and do something. Instead, one moves with a slow pace and tries to see how one can live in the slow lane even if this means doing uninteresting tasks like preparing a PowerPoint presentation instead of doing the actual effort of getting things done and completing projects. To GO LIVE is the ultimate goal of the project manager.

Today I looked at my old stack of company newsletters from a company where I worked in my mid-20s; re-reading articles that I wrote, being a member of the Editorial Board, being a mentor to young kids, deploying new accounting systems, training staff on computer technology, attending seminars and being active in office activities. I was finishing my MBA, about to get married, and just changed career; moving from government as an economist researcher to the private sector into the field of computer technology and project management.

Those were exciting times nearly 35 years ago, making significant changes in my life and career. I did not waste an opportunity that came my way. I worked in that company for nearly 10 years before moving to Singapore where I lived for 7 years. Those times in Singapore were also exciting where I made another significant move. I recently posted a video of those times in Singapore which brought wonderful memories.

Now in my current stage of life, I still have my wits and with significant project management experience, just changed departments though still within my trade. It's been a long voyage across continents, to different cultures and companies. I survived and thrived all these years, though some moments filled with stress and anxiety, with so many changes occurring that I thrived in these circumstances. I am a global worker; moving with the tides where ever the economics would bring me. 

New Battles

With my career at the office at almost 30 years, looking for enthusiasm and excitement in the daily drudgery is not that difficult. I think I have achieved some peace by focusing on the moment though sometimes one thinks of the status of what one must have at my age and years of service. But that reeks of feeling privilege breeds resentment and rumination when one just needs to enjoy the simple aspects of working every day; be able to do one's trade to the best of one's abilities.

Others who are more fortunate to go up the ladder quickly do not make me feel bad though sometimes one feels resentment but with the realization that a higher role may not be apt for one's temperament. I like being in the front line so to speak, to be James Bond out in the fields instead of this boss 'M'. Smiley in John Le Carre's book is a good example of a master handler; orchestrating spy coups while working behind the scenes though this work did have its moments of strategy, boldness, and discrete actions.

Working with much younger people who are driven and smart does not exclude me from the game as I keep trudging along with difficult projects though far from the work that attracts the limelight. Like Smiley, I like to delve into the shadows, orchestrating and coordinating work behind the scenes so that my colleagues do recognize my experience and subtleness; not the usual blow-hard pronouncements of the grizzled old veteran. Somehow I manage to keep the youthful enthusiasm and spirit of a much younger man; without the bitterness or sullenness of a middle-aged careerist who may not have ascended the heights of management.

I do say what I feel and bring out my thoughts that others might be circumscribed to control that one may have a reputation of being a loose canon instead of a feel-good management climber who says what people like to hear.  I still have this urge to throw the bomb out of my own nature to say it it is but perhaps this hint of feeling bypassed that one needs to take a stand out of experience while must the younger generation. After all, I am a veteran of multiple projects and worked in different places like Asia, Europe, and US. So I have the gravitas of the old experienced warrior who may have crossed a few lines that prevented a career rise.

One is just grateful to be working in the field, doing what one does with quiet victories, and achieving simple goals like regular golf, Toastmaster's meetings, running 5k races, biking and hiking, and enjoying good food and movies. To be mentally and physically healthy with the good cheer of the old happy worker living out the remaining years of a long career with a chance to achieve a lifelong career in retirement that one has been preparing oneself is the ultimate victory of this quiet journey.

In the meantime, one faces new battles with new actors on the stage, a new way of working, a young and envigorated management team plus exciting developments in technology like AI that could potentially change the way one works. The old warrior adapts and journeys to this new terrain, keeping his wits with his nose close to the ground, keeping himself fit to maintain the relevance and stamina needed in the new workplace after the specter of COVID finally recedes in the background. 

Keeping Grudges

Yesterday I competed in a 5k race downtown with slight rain pouring down at different times. It was a nice day when the sun came out for a few moments but mostly downcast and cloudy. Running along the city streets, the park, and the swamp rabbit trail where we normally biked on weekends, it was a great morning despite the rain.  In the afternoon, I went swimming for about 30 minutes and enjoyed the hot tub and sauna. I ate Cuban roast pork with mojo sauce at lunch and enjoyed a glass of wine. It took more than 6 hours to cook the roast pork.  I drank cafe liqueur with gin and tonic water. 

Today, Sunday, afternoon I biked for 2 hours struggling with my racer bike because my e-bike had a flat. Nevertheless, it was a nice though cold and windy day. We biked after lunch with the remaining Cuban roast pork with black beans and yellow rice with mojo sauce. I ate too much which made me want to exercise to compensate for too much food and drink. I try to enjoy myself with activity as my mind keeps having thoughts of resentment of my former management, those moments of humiliation and anger that I keep inside. Despite my attempts at meditation and mindfulness and consciously avoiding troubling thoughts, my mind circles back to past grievances.

My week in the office was good with the team getting back to work after the Christmas holidays and getting on with new challenges. I continue to lead the obsolescence and migration project as the other PM is on vacation. I brought in new people - a database expert, a full-stack architect, and additional testing resources. I organized a meeting to get an old architectural document updated and responded to emails on this topic. I also attended meetings on a crisis impacting customers who are using multiple systems to create their accounts. I am also preparing for a major system testing scheduled this year.

All this new work is good for me to keep occupied, practice my trade as a project manager, learn new topics, and lead these activities to fruition. I also participated in Toastmeast meetings, evaluated a speech, and went to the gym to prepare the the 5k race this weekend. Despite this busy schedule, I can't help but have these churning thoughts of past resentments dominate my mind during moments of idle thought. Meditation does allow me to monitor my mind and try to consciously leave this state of negative thinking. It is a struggle especially when I sleep in the evening.

Meditation is supposed to deconstruct the mind according to some thoughts, but the struggle is to construct it in a state of 'non-duality' which is not an easy task as the EGO always comes back with a vengeance. I feel less hesitant moving forward on my projects, and less self-doubt which is the benefit of a less troubled mind with churning thoughts, trying to avoid 'predictive thinking' and living in the now. This is the task one needs to train the mind as it comes out of meditation with the awareness of churning thoughts.