Authentic Living

I read a recent book by Samantha Harvey called 'The Shapeless Unease', mainly about insomnia. Aside from the usual reasons, such as anxiety, she mentions external events such as Trump running for the first term in office and Brexit, where England left the EU. I had similar anxiety when Trump came to power, thinking of divisiveness and anti-immigrant sentiment. Recently getting my citizenship would have allayed these fears, but Trump was not expressing his opinion but voicing the feelings of a significant majority of the population.

The days of diversity, openness, and globalization are over; the feeling of global solidarity is fractured, and immigrants are told to go home. Where does that leave me, a recent immigrant and now citizen who has benefited from the globalization wave that swept the world, where people can go to work anywhere in a borderless world?  People are converging into their tribes, and one goes to work wondering who in this space or in this department or in this group harbors resentment of my being there; of depriving a native born white Anglo-Saxon person his rightful place.

But this is not about native rights but about skills, where one culture and background is attuned to studying and focusing and getting a degree, as compared to another culture, which does not have the same focus. Obviously, this sounds like a racial view, but this is more about respecting the culture. Europeans do not want to work as hard and prefer to enjoy life, said one podcaster, explaining why the GDP of Europe is lower than USA. Or why the Japanese or Korean, or Chinese office worker would work long hours in the office to aggressively get the work done and scale the ladder to upper management.

I grind my teeth, and it's in bad-looking shape, though I have no problem eating. Teeth grinding is caused by anxiety, as most literature on the internet would say, though my dentist had made a similar comment. I have anxiety because of existential threats in a polarized world, struggling to find myself and my role in the world. I see life more precisely or more minutely; perhaps because my meditation has finally trained my brain to be mindful of the present moment. I am no longer lost in daydreams, as there is a stillness in me. Hence, I no longer escape into distraction but face the world, trying to find an authentic life.

I am the oldest person in my department; perhaps decades older than most of my colleagues, but I still think like a dilettante instead of a seasoned veteran, which I believe is a role that I must play. But I am not an old man; people congratulate me when I tell them my age, as I don't look it. I exercise and go to the gym regularly and keep fit. I maintain my mind through reading, writing, meditation, and external agents such as tDSC devices. But my increasing mindfulness made me see that I am not exerting myself; instead, coasting along, exercising, and watching movies.

When our department sat together for lunch and shared their lives, most, if not all, said they rarely watch television, if at all. On the other hand, I spend a lot of time watching TV shows, serials, or movies; eager for the next season or chapter, while my colleagues have no clue about this way of life, preferring to focus on more real stuff like building a sauna, fixing their homes, or taking care of and walking their dogs. In other words, an active life of doing instead of a life of consuming, which is how my life has been for a while now. I am envious of that life as it seems busy and authentic.

I was in the gym this morning practicing racquetball for 30 minutes before going swimming.  You need to be focused on the ball to effectively strike it to the wall. The game requires focus. Similarly, I attended my first Habitat for Humanity, where we were trained to use tools like nail guns. I plan to be more active in this organization, which also requires focus and engagement. This is a more meaningful engagement than just joining Toastmasters. A different person is facing the coming year, looking for more meaningful activities and a desire to live an authentic life.