Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Preparing for Minor Surgery

Rumors again abound in the office today. It seems that the ax is really about to fall on the rest of
the folks here. The economic crises has made the outsourcing and restructuring move more urgent and drastic. So there are no more sacred cows and looks like most of the high staff will be moved out. I think that the company will offer them to transfer to another country but most people would not like to leave. I thank GOD that I am fortunate to move overseas. I talked with my new bosses last night and thank them again and again. I felt that I did not talk to much but I think I did better than I normally think. It's just the circumstance which made the meeting seem awkward. Most of the staff here seemed to be on the edge. I pray that all them will end up well.

I realize that the pace of life in my new assignment will be quite slow. It will not be as exciting as here in a modern city. But it may finally offer me a chance to write. I realize that it will be a change in my paradigm. I think that I have a chance for a 'new me' - to reinvent myself in a manner of my choosing in order to fulfill my dreams. This is the great opportunity that lies open to me. I really cannot wait to leave and I am counting the days. I wonder if Toastmaster has really prepared me. I think that the change is subtle but I need to be on my toes in the new office. To try and catch the nuances and subtleties at the office. To be more vocal and outspoken and assertive in a positive way. I have been driving myself too much that my nerves are on the edge. So the best way for a change is a deep rest.
I thought about my reaction during the speech contest last Saturday. It was like I was awake during the speech. Usually I just blindly rush through the speech in an exercise of intuitive movement. But my mind was still and empty and I could see the faces of the audience. My mind was suddenly still and I was suddenly aware of the enormity of the situation. So maybe that's the reason why my knees started to shake. I was alive to the moment and I faced the audience with just my bare presence and a rough idea of the speech in my mind. Perhaps that's the reason why I seem to have connected to the audience, my situation was authentic which brought fear to me because I felt exposed and alone. Now I realize that making a speech demands courage and that one must be sure of himself like curling up in a ball so that one cannot be hit by doubt and anxiety. I feel I now understand the true reality of public speaking.

But then again I exaggerate. For the truly gifted and natural speakers, I guess all this musing will not come to mind. It's just that I am forcing myself to be a public speaker that all these doubts start to surface. I guess the key is just to saunter up the stage and be insouciant. Something I still need to develop but not be great in. Just a skill to supplement my work. Tomorrow is April fools day and I have an operation to remove the K-wire in my wrist. I will be at the hospital at 12pm noontime for a 15 minute operation according to the doctor. But I will be under general anesthesia. I hope to be back at the office though our secretary advised that I should rest at home. But I feel I need to be back after my operation to continue training the support team in China and India. Such a sad state that I am in to be working this way like a donkey.

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