The Heat of the Moment

About five weeks more before moving abroad. Training the new staff is proceeding as planned. A few operational issues have occurred and I am involving the new staff in resolving them. Sometimes I realize that the system is quite complex and have a difficult time explaining the problem. Keeping things simple is really a virtue. But we have to slog along and persevere in the training. Also, IBM team is now getting into the thick of things. They have successfully installed the latest patch last night after encountering problems in the last 2-3 attempts. We relied on the instructions sent by the previous staff to install the patch. Looks like an issue on the product and a full re-installation may be needed in the long term.

On the other hand, I feel a bit nervous about the pace of the relocation. The local personal was busy yesterday and suggested to meet tomorrow. Another delay that is driving me up the wall. I have a lot of questions and I wanted some answers on the transport of my stuff and was referred to another personnel. But the person did not answer me sufficiently. I also wrote to the law partner who is helping me on the move. But I still got no reply. I am expecting prompt answers due to my situation but looks like things are moving at a slow pace. Major decisions are being made and I am fretful that some last minute issue will derail everything. Strange but it actually seems that I am preparing myself for the failure of the move. It's like I actually don't want to move and I am expecting some sort of issue like a visa restriction, or a reversal of decision due to the economic crisis.

The heat of the moment is driving me nuts. I need to know the certainty of the move but I am afraid I may drive people crazy if I keep on following up. I have to get the idea in my thick skull that the move is a done deal. I am in a successful run and should prepare accordingly. I read somewhere that sometimes people don't know how to handle success. They flip flop and struggle when faced with success. Maybe this is my ultimate problem. I am comfortable succeeding and prefer the loser, the romantic martyr who struggles along. Something like T.E.Lawrence not being able to assimilate back to normal society after his success in the Arabian campaigns. Of course, I am actually lucky in a modest sense but I know that future struggles still lie ahead. My office friend advised me to relax and wait until the 20th of the month. I should have all the information by then. But what if it's too late of the worst happens? Do I still have time to react?

My mind is moving at 100 miles an hour, thinking about the move as if it's a life long dream that will finally come true. But I have to ease down the mental throttle and relax and focus on the issues at hand. I have a lot of things in my plate like trying to complete my Toastmaster advance manual. I plan to complete the remaining 4 speeches while I am here so I need to prepare for them. But I am just pushing myself foolishly. I am also rushing on the books that I need to read before I move. It's like a relentless rush to do things. It's like I am planning for my retirement when I get there. With the pace of life in the rural south, I guess it may feel like retirement as well. My family is also a bit cautiously excited and like me, cannot seem to imagine the new life. At my age, I guess this maybe the best time to move again or I will not have the strength or
courage after a few more years.

I am morbidly glad that I broke my wrist last January. The accident has slowed me down. I am more conscious of my actions and careful. If I had not slowed down, maybe I would be doing more things that will actually exhaust me more. The monkey mind in action. Anyway, I will meet the personnel staff tomorrow and I will have answers to most of my questions on the move. The delay is actually one of the main causes of my mental unease. With the slow down of my usual activities (no swimming, jogging or biking), I am in a different mode which I try to fill up with other things. In fact, I should be winding down and moving work to the support staff as I prepare for the move. In case it does fail, I can still wait for a payout soon. Otherwise, plan to move to China as the next alternative.