Back to Golf

Last night I attended a Focus Group meeting at IBM. It was a PMI sponsored meeting where I get to earn 2 PDUs. It was a good session where we were divided into groups and reported on a case study of a yacht race in Australia. I like to attend meetings like these because it's a wise and good use of time to develop oneself. It is similar to the Toastmaster's experience where one does not need to spend much to learn new skills. I enjoy these meetings although sometimes I feel lazy to attend. But if it were not for these events I would be insular, drinking and having fun instead of focusing on self-improvement. I wish I discovered these events earlier in my life here in Singapore.

During the PMI session, I received an SMS message from a golf buddy inviting me to join their game on Sunday. I said yes although I haven't played for nearly a year. So this morning I went to the driving range and hit about 150 balls. I have not lost the touch although I still have some bad habits I think. I want to enroll for a 8 lesson course with a golf pro to raise me to the next level. I enjoyed my morning at the driving range, leaving the house at about 6:30 am. No one was around and I enjoyed hitting the balls alone. It was quite some time since my last practice at the Bishan golf range. In my last few golf outings, I preferred to play at Mandai because it has a 9-hole course where I could enjoy a game.

While I was hitting the balls, I had a chance to think about the recent work at the office. All the changes and the challenges have occupied my mind and prevented me from enjoying golf. In the early days of my transfer here, I often forced myself to play golf to remove my mind from focusing on work. These thoughts often stressed me even at home and I took to drink and watching movies to divert my self. So I actively pursued golf for it's enjoyment and also to combat my stress at work. I think I succeeded and I educated myself on the game. But now I reached a point where my handicap is much to high despite playing on and off for about 5 years. So I have decided to learn from a golf pro to polish my game and give me a certain amount of respect as my friend always beat me in the game.

I am also thinking of studying sailing. It will be a new adventure and I hope to be certified before I transfer to my new overseas assignment. The economy is not looking good in the coming months and sometimes I wonder if it's wise to continue to spend on things like guitar lessons or golf or sailing. I think it is an investment and a necessity to maintain my edge and keep me relevant. Otherwise, I don't think I will be able to cope with the new challenges the come at me at work. The mind and one's attitude is the only weapon one can wield in this era of globalization and outsourcing. It will drive you to learn new skills and stay relevant.

I am already having dreams about my new life. I feel strongly that it will push through unlike my previous feelings on the possible transfer to China. I had the same feeling but it was not as concrete and centered like my feelings on the new overseas assignment. Maybe it's because the first was shrouded in the shadows where one had to rely on rumours and chance remarks from the bosses. Now the news has come from people at a higher level and I had a chance to meet them by phone. So the feeling and prospects are more solid. I thank God because I feel that I am deteriorating in my work these past months and it's only by my initiative and curiosity that I keep myself interested and relevant.

Working at Home

I am reading my emails and working on a few things for work. I am using a new laptop issued to me and much better because the wireless connection works at home unlike my last one. Initially I felt that I needed to do some backup in my old laptop which I already did but felt that I needed to check each one directory and file. I am a pack rat and I still keep some old newspapers which I promised myself to read. But yesterday I threw out the box of old papers and I had a liberating feeling like when I turned over my old laptop. Life is to short to keep planning these little things for the future like reading old newspapers. Now I get everything in video and audio direct from the Internet.

Although I am on leave this week, I still need to continue working because there is a load of things to do and the year is coming to a close. I get a chance to plan better and I get to work on my own leisure pace. Yesterday morning I went roller-blading in the park and in the early evening I went swimming. Later I plan to go to the park, go to the library and attend a PMI meeting tonight. But I also need to do some work during the day. I have made some decisions to improve my daily schedule. I have been late these past many months at work which I attribute to my early morning exercises at the park. I also spend this time listening to my audio books which contribute to my lateness.

So I decided to stop my early morning walks at the park and instead switch them to the evening after dinner. So I get to work out my dinner so I can digest the food better and continue listening to the audio book. I think it will decrease my tardiness at work. I also will focus on work first thing in the morning while my mind is fresh and later do my Internet surfing and blogging in the afternoon. Bu I won't stop my morning exercise altogether as I plan to do them at least once for my roller blading. I moved my roller blading in weekdays instead of Saturday morning so I can focus on Saturdays for my writing. I started this schedule last week but could not focus on writing and instead procrastinated by surfing the Internet.

But I think I am past that because I have had my fill of what is out there. I am amazed that I could get high quality analysis in audio and video about the economy, politics, art, literature and culture so easily. So I don't need to hog my old copies of Financial Times, Economist and International Herald Tribune. Hence, I could throw out these printed papers and focus on the audio and video versions. I get to learn and absorb more but I found that I absorb better by reading instead of listening. But listening and absorbing via this medium is in fact another skill that I need to develop. It's a much faster and complete medium because it uses more senses particularly sound and sight, especially the videos.

I am completing Kipling's short stories and they're wonderful. It's very varied with stories of 2 British adventures in Central Asia, adventures of a colonel's 6 year old son in India, a match of polo in India with the ponies speaking to each other, 2 drummer's dying in a skirmish with Afghans and a story about World War I. But it's his India stories that catch the attention. While working I listen to the tape of contemporary Indian music which I bought in New Delhi. It's a good learning experience to be able to immerse yourself completely in the sights and sounds of a place and learn more about it. India was such a incredible experience for both the British and Indians.

November is Nanowrimo month where a lot of new novelist-to-be attempt to churn 50,000 pages in a month. I think that I will join in the enthusiasm of the event. My plan is to help craft the structure, plot and characters before hand. Once November begins, I will start writing out the first draft of the novel. I think Nanowrimo is a good idea and a lot of resources in the website are useful to would be novelist like me. I think at this point in time, I have diagnosed my shortcomings and areas where improvement is needed. Problem is my procrastination and my load of books and other activities to do. At least I hope to have a first draft of the novel by year end if I go forward with this schedule.

On Leave after Depavalee

I am on leave this week. Last Monday was Diwali holiday as they say in India. I took the family to a restaurant in Little India last Saturday. We ordered mutton masala, butter chicken, dhal makhanee and mix bread-naan, chapati,etc. I think they enjoyed it except my wife who thought the food was too spicy. We talked a bit about the transfer and I think my eldest son is not too keen. I think that it will eventually turn out right for everyone. I have a lot of stereotype image of high schools overseas filled with gun-toting black youths, gang fights in the school hall ways and yards. Not helped with the news on violence in the papers. I watched Micheal Moore's 'Bowling for Columbine' which is actually a scary documentary.

I wrote a mail yesterday asking about the schooling situation but got no reply yet. I know that the transfer is on and discussed in the relevant high levels. But not much information filters down to me. Response to my mail is also not fast. But I feel that the vast machinery of the company is moving forward and nothing will turn it back. So it's a done deal as my old boss would say and remarked that all will turn out right. Last night I have had dreams of working there overseas in that land of abundance. It's a whole different world and I feel that the feeling of insecurity and anxiety will be swept away once you live there. I can't help feeling that it's like coming to a home that is beyond your dreams.

A new life in full reality! I think the kids will like it once they settle in and I think it will take about 2-3 years. I can't help but feel that all will turn out well and I have been preparing myself for this opportunity all my life. It's like the confusion and restlessness of youth will now be swept away into a period of grace and empowerment. I guess it will not be a bed of roses but I think the way of life will be such as a normal boring pattern. I think my short sojourn here will have allowed me to complete my youthful yearnings. I hope to have solidified a few skills here such as public speaking, writing as a novelist (at least completing the basics), golfing, reading books and watching foreign movies.

It's a big world out there and I think I will miss the pettiness and trifling arguments that come from living in a small country. Even though I am on holiday leave, I read my mail and can't help but continue work and respond to some events that are really trivial. I am starting to get bored. Yesterday we were trying to resolve an issue in Thailand with help from the head office in Europe. It's such a trivial issue but that needs to be solved that I am continuing the technical work this morning. Last night I also attended a Toastmaster's meeting and, afterwards, our supplier from India called about another unsolved issue. So two issues yesterday that I hope to solve soon while on leave!

I am reading another of Kipling's book 'The Man Who Would Be King and other Stories.' A really great writer but someone I could not appreciate at my age maybe at a younger time but nevertheless a good book. I tried to borrow an old film of Errol Flynn on 'Kim' but could not find it in the Esplanade when I went last Sunday. So I reserved it yesterday on the internet. I also went to the art exhibit on Monday during the holiday. Not to bad exhibits with a few worthy ones. A good time spent to prepare for the meeting yesterday morning which I again attended. I have another meeting this afternoon with IBM where I will call in from home. What a life!

UnPrepared Novelist

I realized that I am an ill prepared novelist. Naive is the better word, thinking that I would be an accomplished writer by just reading books and writing in my journal. Last weekend I discovered a treasure trove of web sites on writing and realized how much I have missed. I have been busy 'reading' and getting on with my life that I seriously did not prepare myself for the writing vocation. Now I am discovering that there are a lot more things to learn about writing than just reading and writing. What a joke!

It started with the mind mapping blog entry on using mind maps to help structure a novel. It was a good suggestion which I have been doing in my attempts at a novel. But clearly it's not enough. It's a great tool but like a hammer, one should have the basic carpentry skills plus the knowledge of building a chair or a house which will make the use of the hammer worthwhile, productive and efficient. I know how to use mind maps and other tools like new novelist but not enough. I guess these tools help in the planning and organizing phase. Not really in the writing phase but in the significant area of plotting and characterization and other such techniques.

So I discovered this whole new world of writing techniques which I had not placed much attention to. I am now devouring books on writing, reading writer's blogs and even think about joining a writing course. I never realize how stupid and naive I have been. Of course, I have been busy with my life, doing projects, travelling and exploring the world. I guess this is the time where I have started to seriously look into the writer's vocation than anytime in the past. My past strategy on writing a book has been to 'wing it' plus a prayer or two plus a feeling of being lucky, that I will be blessed by some divine muse to help me complete my tasks. How wrong have I been!

But I am still driven and pursuing this quest and still continue my reading and meager writing and discovering all these new techniques has actually allowed me to realize my mistakes and identify the areas where I could improve. I guess it has allowed me to grow more and during the time where I actually need it. Reading the blogs and looking at the Nanowrimo site and viewing the videos have also been helpful by being with kindred spirits. The mass of would be writers struggling to complete a novel and be a writer. I realized that I am not alone which I knew but these discovery has allowed me to put a face and a voice and understand the reality of writing.

Last night I watched the video of 'The Last Lecture.' It's very inspiring and motivating. I would like to see the other videos on 'Time Management'. The message is clear and one should not waste time. The professor is only a few years older than me and I realize how much he has achieved. I looked at my work and realized that I have not planned and organized my novel at all. It's a mess and the reading I have had these days have motivated me and I think to the proper direction.

Conversation with Oneself

I am nearing the end of the audio book 'Kim'. I consider it one of the best books that I have read despite the racial tint due to imperialism. But that's also it's charm as it speaks of a past age long gone. I know that it's a love of books that drives me to be a writer. Also the love of writing and expression. But it's the organized process of a novelist that I lack. In fact it is something like an organized procedure that manages the creative process. It's this part where I should educate myself and gain the skill. Indeed, I lack the mental clarity and inherent organization needed so I need more external tools and methodology to succeed.

I am reading David Morell's book on being a successful novelist. I like the idea of writing by having a conversation with oneself. I am doing that already with my journal or blog but need to apply the same principle to writing a novel. According to him, having a conversation to oneself is where one can draw out the details of the plot, characterization, theme and other such details that need to be threshed out for a novel. Hence, the act of writing a novel does not necessarily translate into the writing of the novel itself.

So 'writing' a novel calls for the act of drawing out the story from oneself, to discuss with oneself the possible story and characters. This way one has the actual details already written out. This is the first phase where 'writing' can begin until the book had formed in one's mind and in the pages of the so-called 'conversation' notes. This is where tools like New Novelist come into hand. The tool allows the writer to record these notes or conversation into a form that can be referenced when the actual work begins. In fact, it can begin as well by dictating although it is silly talking to oneself so one needs to get used to it.

In fact, the creative act of writing entails this 'conversation with oneself' where the book start to take shape before the actual writing of the novel begins. I have been trying to combine both activities at once wherein the 'conversation with oneself' is done in the mind and once done, writing can begin. So the conversation with oneself should be a writing activity as well. Or a dictation. The goal is to bring out the story from oneself instead of leaving it within the mind with the constant churning of thoughts. So there is the different breakup of activities with their own specific purposes.

This is the organized structure of the creative writing process, where the writer attempts to 'write' down the structure, story, characters of the novel without beginning with the actual writing of it. Of course, different writers work differently and great writers perhaps like Hemingway can begin straight off. But I do not have such talent and I need to proceed within an organized structure using tools like New Novelist to help me create the novel. I did not realize the full significance of this tool until I started to learn more about the act of writing.

So this is the realization for me and I now have a better idea of the skills that I need to acquire to be a writer. I think the process of drawing out the story or having a written 'conversation with oneself' are all an act of expression without the actual writing of the book. I think the insight is that I am already doing this act by journal writing or blogging and that I should apply it to the act of writing a novel. Perhaps my experiences at Toastmasters have helped psychologically as it has also drawn me out of myself via public speaking. It has helped me express myself and given me confidence in expresing my ideas and thoughts.

So my love of books have given me the appreciation of the finished product. Real examples of plot, characters and story and the beauty of the written word. It is the enjoyment of the story and the learning of new things, to see new worlds and to broaden one's horizon. I guess the act of reading or writing helps develop a facility to be a writer and moving forward this goal requires the understanding of the steps I just mentioned. I guess books also drives oneself to experience the world, like grasping the existence read in books and as a fodder for the future novelist in his novels. The danger is falling into a life of indulgence which is well explained in 'Kim' by the old llama when speaking about life in general.

Thinking of the transfer

Yesterday evening I meet with my fellow officers of our speaking club over dinner. I mentioned casually that I may be transferred out next year. We started to talk about some ways to help my sons move out considering their obligations at school. It was a good meeting and we had an interesting discussion on how to improve the club. I like this type of sessions where we could discuss and talk over good food in a relaxed atmosphere. In the past, the discussions where almost always fuelled by alcohol. Last night was more relaxed where everyone was just talking freely. We talked about the financial crisis, those affected here, possible impact on local banks and, finally the fortunes of our club.

I proposed some ideas like sending out a newsletter every month and having group evaluations instead of indvidual evaluation. I like it that I could implement my ideas in the club. In fact I set up a blog site for the club last year to have a presence on the internet. Now sending a newsletter, with the blogsite as the base, will be another interesting project. These small projects allow me to exercise my skills in a different environment. I wish I had joined this club much earlier. I especially like the social networking and the fact that I could visit many clubs and meet a lot of people. It's also a challenge to learn and solve club problems. We have a problem right now in increasing membership. So these projects are planned to improve our recruitment.

Yesterday afternoon I chatted with my old boss. He has helped me get my new posting overseas. He is at our European head office and we chatted online. He enquired about the status and I sent him the mail I had sent to the overseas team after our meeting last week. He told me to wait for their response. He seems to be confident about my prospects and said that I will be OK. He emphasized that I focus on the family and not on the money. It's more the long term benefit. I agreed with him and if this deal will push through it will be good for my family as well as my future. I can't help feeling like Kim in Kipling's book where powerful benefactors are working to further your future.

I can't help feeling that transferring to my new overseas assignment seems to be so easy. I am always wary of the easy job. I always think there is something out there to ambush me. But I guess that it may be a character flaw in my part, for instance pride or recklessness or vice that could derail any project and not an external enemy. I guess for this case, it may be more my kid's circumstances and their move to a new school that will be the key challenge. So I should strive to work towards overcoming obstacles in this path. I am glad that I was given this opportunity and I pray that all will go well. I think I have prepared myself well and that I did not waste my time.

Reading Kipling's Kim is an eye or ear opener. It is only when one reads the great books that one sees the world anew again. I now realize that Kipling is the father of John le Carre and other novelist like John Buchan or even Eric Ambler. It's not in the pop agent mold of Ian Fleming. But Kipling is more than that and his books is not also about spying and 'the great game' but also about life in general. It seems like the voice of India is well represented here; the English sahib, the mystical llama, the Hindu Babu, the Afghan Pathan trader, the ruffians in the markets, the wandering sadhus and all those amazing aspects that make up the great continent of India. It's really a joy to listen to this book.

Reading Kipling's Kim

I recently borrowed an audio book on 'Kim'. It's an incredible book by a great writer who is able to capture the sights and sounds of India. Of course, he writes like an imperialist and some sections have some troubling comments on 'orientals'. But all in all it's a great book that captures a time in India that may no longer exists. I am glad to have read this book now after spending time in India myself, reading Indian novels and histories and watching Indian movies and eating Indian food. I think I would not be able to visualize Kipling's work without having this background.

I am borrowing also his other books like 'The Man Who Would be King.' No doubt he is a great writer and seems to herald a time and gestalt in the past like Mark Twain. I hope to borrow the movies on his books from the Esplanade. 'Kim' is a great book because it also speaks about the great game and the espionage network in India and Central Asia. It is a romantic book with images of adventure in far off and mysterious places. I borrowed this book after it was referred to in John Keegan's 'Intelligence in War,' another audio book I borrowed recently.

Kipling is the sort of author that people like Winston Churchill would read. I think it would be the sort of book that American neo-rightist would be reading prior to their intervention in the middle east. It supports that sort of thinking which stipulates a sort of western superiority and the righteousness of their cause. I don't think it was Kipling's intent to express these view but more of expressing the views and feelings of his age. It was also an expression of people of his class. A romantic class where I could see traces of in New Delhi, the railroads, Bombay (where Kipling was born) and the English architecture everywhere from the Gateway of India, train station, Raj Path and so on.

I thought I have lost my interest in India after the memories of my last trip about 2 years ago fades away. I have been feeding these memories by reading and watching movies on India but admit that I am getting tired. But Kipling's 'Kim' has magically brought me back into the bustle of India recalling my trips in New Delhi, Rajastan and Mumbai where I had loved to walk with the crowds, getting lost in the romance of the place. The book has triggered those memories again and I hope to borrow again some classics like the last film of Apu Trilogy by Sanyajit Ray. I think I will also borrow books like 'Far Eastern Tales' by Somerset Maugham. It's like I want to bask in the glow of the old British empire in the East in case I will leave the place soon.

I am also reading David Morell's 'The Successful Novelist'. It's good book and as I mentioned, it's only now in my present maturity that I am able to read books like these which I disdained in the past. I guess I deluded myself into thinking I am another Hemingway. I like his Morell's words in that writers will just write - it's an urge that cannot be suppressed. I guess for my part, my expression of writing is my journals and now my blog. I guess I have the urge but NOT in the appropriate avenue to be a novelist. So it's this challenge to move towards being a novelist where an entirely different set of skills need to be developed.

November Writing Month

Last year I discovered the writing project Nanowrimo. I planned to participate last November last year but I was unable to continue. I think I stopped on the 3rd or 4th day. This year it seems more promising. I looked at a few videos in the Nanowrimo site and have a good feeling in sharing the same situation with other wannabe novelists. Last weekend I was still unable to write but read about writing techniques from a website owned by a novelist. He provided some techniques which is very helpful. It's called the 'snowflake' method following fractal geometry.

I am starting to understand the craft of writing from the works like these and I can relate it to the software I have bought particularly 'New Novelist' and others like 'Novel Writing'. I realized that in fact I don't know anything about writing. I was in a mistaken illusion that I can write in a sort of 'stream of consciousness' form in a few days of inspired frenzy. In fact, it was an illusion that was started by reading Hemingway. He is the most deceptive of writers by giving enraptured readers the impression that writing is very easy to do.

My second mistake is thinking that writing in a journal is the same as writing a book. This fueled the same illusion into thinking that the 'stream of consciousness' is the only way to go in writing novels. This is the error that Ayn Rand has pointed out that most writers think it's a mystical effort. I sometime do get this mystical feeling from journal writing but it is more a result of achieving clarity of thinking that diary writing easily does. It is also the release that comes from expressing yourself. So the act of writing was mistakenly equated with a mystical 'stream of consciousness' mind set which actually resulted in clarity of thought. Hence, it was actually an exercise of thinking and not writing.

So reading the advise from writers like Ayn Rand and Stephen King and others like the novelist who created the 'snowflake' method is very helpful. I guess Hemingway is that one in a million writerswho was born with a special gift or maybe I misunderstood his comment on writing as well. I kept on reading books and writing my journal for many years with the mistaken belief that my writing talent will come one day and my book will suddenly rush forth from me. Of course, reading and writing a journal is always good but will not sustain you into being a successful novelist.

I should have learned this other techniques on being a novelist about 15 to 20 years ago. Maybe I would have been a successful novelist by now. I have been in an 'experiencing' mode for the past 15 to 20 years; accumulating experience and thinking that it will be the gist where I will mold my stories. Instead, it has turned into a decadent descent into passionate and wasteful experiences when I should have been thinking less emotionally and more rationally. Nevertheless, it has not benefitted me as a writer but improved me in my work by fuelling my talents (so-called from strength finder) of input, intellection and ideation.

I think this has helped me become successful by widening my horizons, improved my thinking and strategic skills and allowed me adapt to different cultures and understand the different situations and systems in my work. But it has never helped me to be a better writer. I think the structure and process of being a writer following these techniques will make me a better worker as well. It will introduce discipline and structure where I need some improvement. So the next phase will hopefully not only make me be more efficient and productive at work but also a better writer.

Initial Meeting is Done

The meeting with the overseas team went well. It started an hour earlier and I anticipated that they would make a mistake in the local time. So I got up an hour early and sat beside the phone and read through the notes I prepared the evening before. I followed the lessons I learned from the recent seminar on negotiations. So I prepared a one page summary on the areas I wanted to focus on, the items I wanted to highlight to them and the questions I wanted to ask.

So I was prepared when the call came and I went through the list. I wanted to stay on the message as they say and speak on the notes. I was afraid that I would go off-tangent from the subject at hand. The overseas team were very friendly and I like the way they handled the meeting. I think I was able to show the appropriate attitude but there where times when I did not know how to react. During this awkward moments, I just laughed and said that it was too early in the morning for me. Implying that I was a bit slow because I just woke up.

But it was a good first meeting and I feel happy about the results. I shared this knowledge with a few people at work like the Asian regional boss, project office head and department accountant. I could not help but feel that it's a done deal. I mentioned that I will be ready by the first or second quarter of next year. I am surprised at my confidence and I often feel insecure of these situations where a good outcome is expected but I always expect the worse. Perhaps there is really a good ending in the story. But it will be the best ending that anyone could ever hope for.

The people I talked today about this pending transfer where all very positive and were happy about me. It was actually the first time I felt such good will and hope. There were episodes when I had similar good fortune but expressions of good wishes from others where taken with a grain of salt. Now it seemed that the stars are finally aligned in my favor. But still I can't help but feel that someone will throw a wrench into the works. There is always some one waiting in the wings ready to make life miserable to other people.

I guess it's the cynic in me. Yesterday eveing after work I went to the Toastmaster meeting and I had a feeling that something will not turn out right. I was a bit late but I found the club and joined the meeting. It was a good session and I participated in table topics and speech evaluation. I did not win any awards though I felt I had a chance. But this club had a larger number of distinguished speakers unlike the club I belong in. It was a good evening and I think it prepared me for the meeting the next morning with the overseas team.

Meeting Tommorrow

I will be having a phone conference early tomorrow morning. It will be the team from overseas and possibly including my future boss. I guess it will be a get to know session as well as a way to find out about my needs. I think they will try know where theycan position me in the organization. I don't think it will be a formal interview like applying for a job in a new company. Since we are in the same organization, I think the usual preliminaries are waived and more on the second level of understanding and placement. I hope to do well.

I spoke to my good friend about the meeting. I mentioned about some discussion on the option to get a lower position if that is the only one available. The object is to get into the organization first and work your way up. But my friend suggested that I go to the higher position which is in fact my current job. I should explain to them that I have a lot of experience being in this field for quite some time. I feel he is correct and I should emphasize that I have been with the company for nearly 14 years. So I have been around for quite some time and should be a plus factor for me. He also mentioned that I should focus on the contribution I would bring to the company and explain how I can help them.

Good advice. I hope to explain that I am also a certified PMP since 2005 and that I have recently renewed my certification for another 3 years. I guess I should also mention that I actively participate in the local PMI chapter. I think this should help in my application to get the job that I want. My friend also mentioned that I have experienced the full end-to-end process in the supply chain so that I am well qualified in supply chain and logistics as well. I guess the key is to express myself in a confident manner.

I have learned that blustering and bluffing is not a good way to advertise yourself. My friend just told me to be authentic. So I plan to outline my career in the company and explain my experience in deploying supply chain and logistics in Asia Pacific as well as in South America and Algeria. I should also express my experience in the current project which is a master system used world-wide. So the key is to express experience, my PMP certification and confidence. It should be done in a manner that's not boastful but more of measured competence.

I have a Toastmaster's meeting tonight and hope to practice my speaking skills to make me ready for tommorrow. The call will come in the early morning and I hope to be awake enough to answer their questions competently. I just hope they won't make a mistake in the time which may be an hour earlier. But it's good in the morning because my mind will be fresh and I hope I could answer well. I should write down a 'cheat sheet' including a list of questions that I need to ask about my terms and conditions. I think it will be good to show that I am enthusiastic and passionate about my work as well. I feel that it will be a good meeting tomorrow.

I feel that it will be a significant meeting but I don't think it will be something like a 'make or break' session. Like Obama I think I should just stay in there and answer competently and not make a big blunder and lose points. I think the challenge of this meeting is to decide whether I can keep my position or start in a lower rung first. So I should be able to convince them of my competence. I used to love this sort of sessions where the 'make or break' moment is dependent on my performance. Now I am not as confident maybe because of my age and recent difficult challenges.

A Dictation Experiment

I tried the voice recorder last night. I described the current plot of my book and the possible story line for the coming chapters. While I was speaking, ideas seem to flow much better as compared to writing. I discussed about the possible characters and their development and characteristics of some of them. It was a good session and I recorded about 10 minutes of 'notes'. I realized that it was another way to put down my thoughts in electronic form.

So I started thinking of how I should store them. Like written files, I can create individual folders in my computer and store them there. So instead of reading these files, I can just listen to them. A change in paradigm. But in fact most people still read and the audio books are just the audio works of written books. So the novel needs to be written first before being recorded. I have used the voice recorder before specifically reading my Toastmaster speeches and playing them back to hear it and as an aid to remembering.

But as a replacement to the written notes I think it may be a bit difficult. I feel the the voice files are not solid and does not have the concreteness and firmness of the written word. I feel that the spoken word does not have the strength of the written prose. I am starting to change my viewpoint though ever since I joined Toastmaster. In fact the spoken word in a speech for example need to be treated with the same delicateness as a poem. The only difference is that the spoken word is helped by the manner in which the words are spoken. So there is a slight difference although the impact is quite strong especially with great orators.

So I now understand the relevance of podcast in both audio and video. How these methods can be used in facilitating the writing of a novel is the challenge. In fact reading Richard Restak's book, he recommends writing a journal as one mental exercise. So in fact having a voice or audio journal is another way to continue this tradition in another format. Also I am more sensitive to sound these days especially since I am taking guitar lessons since the start of the year and listening to audio books.

In researching on music lessons and it's effect on the brain yesterday, some studies reveal that music lessons improve one's verbal fluency and spatial ability. Of course it makes one sensitive to the auditory sensations. So making use of the voice recording as a tool to help me complete my book offers a less effortful way of working. Together with music lessons, dictation will hopefully make me a better writer. As I wrote previously, it seems to be a better way to think without the pressure of the mechanical act of writing. So I have split the effort of 'writing' into thinking and writing as a mechanical task.

In fact, I can use dictation to develop ideas not only in writing a novel but also in my work. It can act as a brainstorming activity although with myself only. In a way, it feels liberating because the flow of ideas is much better. Getting new ideas, structuring and clarifying thoughts can be achieved by vocalizing them as well as writing them. Since I started with journal writing, dictation or verbalizing my thoughts is much easier and brainstorming can be achieved via the voice as well. Funny but the effect seems to be quite revolutionary although it's really quite a simple concept.

Mozart's Brain

I am listening to an audio book called 'Mozart's Brain and The Figther Pilot' by Richard Restak. An interesting book that has a different perspective from the usual views esposed in the mainstream media about the brain. The author is a registered medical doctor as well as a psychiatrist and neurologist. The differences that he espouses is quite subtle. For instance, the debate on right and left brain skills is a mis-interpretation of the work of Roger Sperry. In fact, the value of the brain is the integrative function or the ability to experience wholly without distinctions of whether it's the left or right brain.

An interesting perspective becuase I have been focusing for example in improving my left or right brain skills when in fact I should be thinking of integrating both hemispheres. For instance, mind mapping is actually a method that does integrate both hemispheres with the use of words and diagrams. Hence, it is a method that combines both visual and verbal skills although both at a symbolic and abstract level. So it's an interesting technique that actually helps bridge the functions of the brain. The book also advises some interesting points.

For example, the author suggests to use a voice recorder when expressing ideas or writing a journal. Instead of writing which requires more effort in terms of finding a paper and pen or firing up a computer or laptop, video recording is a faster method of recording ideas. So he separates the act of thinking with the act of writing or typing the ideas. So there is a clear distinction between thinking and --> writing, wherein writing is just the mechanical act of putting words into symbolic language. So what is the actual work of a novelist?

I guess a novelist is really a thinker where ideas are expressed first before putting down into paper or computer. So 'writing' a novel or a story actually means thinking or creating ideas into a structured form and putting these ideas into a written form (whether electronic or paper based). So I guess being a novelist does not necessarily mean typing into a typewriter when writing a book as shown in the movies. It can also mean dictating ideas into a voice recorder and, later, typing the result into a computer. Hence, a separation of thinking about the story and writing it down.

In other words, expressing the story verbally or at least expressing and formulating ideas. This was an insight from reading the book and I had some ideas to record my ideas about the book or story during the weekdays and typing out the result during the weekend. I think it looks more like a compromise. The book also states that one should also relax the brain when overused to avoid stress. Since I am typing at my computer and thinking most of the time at work, verbally discussing and recording my thoughts in the evening is less stressful and uses a different part of the brain.

So perhaps this method will be useful in separating the thinking part of the effort and the actual organizing and structuring work. So maybe the idea is to do the thinking and storytelling part by using the voice recorder during the weekdays and organizing and structuring in the weekend. It seems to be strange way to 'write' but I think this method is workable. I just need to find the place and the discipline to do my voice recordings. I think it will be an interesting way to complete my book.

Lost Weekend

Another lost weekend with my writing plans lost in the wind. But I was able to watch 4 movies in the meantime while I was attempting to do some writing. The movies were:

1- Charisma (Japanese)
2- Regarde Les hommes Tomber (French)
3- The Fugitive Kind (American)
4- 21 (American)

I also wasted time reading more books like a picture biography of Audrey Hepburn, another book on strength finder and 'How To Draw' by Betty Edwards. I also surfed the net and listened to videos and audio recordings in Financial Times, Economist, International Herald Tribune and New York Times. I finally realized yesterday evening that I am not really avoiding work or procrastinating but I need more training on writing. So it's not really a problem of planning or weak will but maybe more of a lack of skill.

So I decided to read more on writing and focus on new methods of using your right brain. The book on drawing by Betty Edwards is great in explaining why people don't develop their drawing skills because it uses a different part of the brain. An intriguing concept which was resolved in her drawing course. If only I could apply the same insight in writing. I know writing is more a left brain skill but creative writing is more a right brain skill so the challenge is to merge the 2 sides of the brain in the same creative way explained by Betty in her book. I was thinking also of using the results of the strength finder to chart a unique course for me.

At the moment, I see that I have had writing experience but more as a way to think or structure my thoughts. So it is more an act of clarification and structure and exercise. Novel writing is another skill which requires a different mind set. I think my journal writing is creative in the sense that it results in synthesizing ideas and achieving an integration of all my thoughts, ideas and external input. It requires some emotion because it results in mental clarity and freshness. On the other hand, novel writing is not really an act of emotion but require more planning and discipline and less emotion. Hence, journal writing may no longer provide me with a benefit but more of an exercise on basic writing and thinking skills.

So I borrowed a book called 'Novel Writing' which I hope will help me go to the next level. I often disdained this kind of direction but I see now that it's really the key to move forward. I also have set time in the weekend by planning to move my Saturday morning skating exercise into a week day so I can focus more on the writing tasks in the weekend. I also need to plan how I can write during week days plus the use of tools like voice recorder. I think that I will dictate my thoughts instead of writing or typing them on the computer. So I have outlined a basic routine which I need to fulfill although I have already recognized that I lack the drive to be a writer except as a hedge if I lose my job.

So I guess that I have identified the problem and I am trying now to resolve it by more learning and training. It is not really procrastination as it's being overly critical of myself. I think I should spend time to write while also allowing time for me to watch movies and surf the net. I am trying to set-up this regular routine while trying to align the results of strength finder to provide some insight on my makeup as person so as to help me be a writer. I also realize that being a novel writer does not mean that I should spend time writing in a journal or diary. But work should also be spent in planning, organizing and structuring the writing work.

I also like the thought that improvement comes incrementally. I think I can improve little by little by listening to audio books or reading topics on novel writing. I will not be able to be a writer by just reading and writing on journals. Novel writing is another skill that I need to learn and master just like public speaking. It's a good analogy because I think I have improved my public speaking skills in less than 3 years with my attendance in Toastmasters. I also realized that I have loved reading not becuase of my desire to be a writer but becuase of my talent on input, learner and intellection. This also explains why I love to write in a journal - to satisfy my intellection urge and not really to write.

So this is why I procrastinate becuase I don't really have novel writing skill and I am just forcing myself to complete a novel becuase I have overestimated my abilities as a novel writer. I can write but not in the manner needed to be a novelist. This is the skill that I lack and I have realized this at the same time removing the mystical element in writing as mentioned by Ayn Rand. The mystical element is really the result of journal writing which results from achieving clarity of thought and understanding. Not exactly what an author is looking for when writing a novel which requires more planning and organizing skills.

On Being a Writer

Last weekend, I succumbed again to procrastination. I could not write anything as I wasted my time surfing the Internet and watching television. The intent was there when I opened my laptop but was derailed when I started surfing the net. It started innocently as I read the different news sites like CNN, Washington Post, Financial Times, New York Times and Herald Tribune. Maybe it was the interesting headlines being in an eventful week. For instance, the US congress approval of the bailout package and the vice-presidential debate. I think the outcome of both events will affect the future of almost everyone in the planet.

Of course, it's not a good excuse and I also thought about the other things I would be doing in case I was not surfing the net. Again I am over burdening my mind by reading too much and planning to many things. But I realize my procrastination may also hide an underlying fear. The fear that I could not really write. I guess my confidence stems from the fact that I have read a lot of books and have written a fair deal but mostly journal writing. Hence, my writing experience is more on diaries, email, technical reports and, lately, blogging. It's not inspiring but at least it fulfills the basic criteria mentioned by Stephen King. He mentioned that one should keep reading and writing to become a good writer.

Now that I have met the minimum requirements, the next step is to rise up into the un-emotional structure and discipline of a writer's life. Last weekend, I searched for local creative writing classes and found only lessons on script writing. I think this next step is well written somewhere in the Internet but I don't think I have the time or patience to read it. These days I seldom read unlike in the past but subscribe more to listening to audio books. I have borrowed quite a lot of audio books and I think I now enjoy listening to stories more than reading them. I think the ways of processing the information are different. From reading which is more a visual and symbolic processing act to a more auditory way. I think the internal in absorbing the material is much different.

In the recent years, my experience in both reading and writing has changed. For reading or learning, it's as I explained more on listening to audio books or watching videos in the net. As for writing, I have moved from writing by long hand into a paper journal, to typing my entries in an electronic 'journal' in a computer to writing and publishing a blog, which is a public expression of my thoughts and views. I think perhaps I have removed some neurotic tendencies or self indulgent thinking when blogging publicly to writing a personal journal not seen by anyone. This act together with my Toastmaster sessions (which also require me to write my speeches) have opened me to the (minimum) public as well as to a few well-meaning criticism.

So I think I have progressed a bit from being a self-indulgent diarist with neurotic tendencies arising from personal diary writing to being a more 'professional' writer through blogging and public speaking. Now comes more structure and discipline and I now have the means and tools to go to the next level. Procrastination is more a subject of the emotion and my distracted thoughts which I should strive hard to focus and control. I don't know if I should go about it alone by reading about the subject in the net or attending a formal class on creative writing. Of course, attending a formal class is more helpful as it allows me to network with other writers.

I have also learned more about the writer's craft by attending writer's meetings. I had the opportunity to listen to writers read their poetry and prose work at the National Library. I have listened to real authors like Anita Desai and Jodi Picoult so I now have a better idea of writers now that I have actually been with famous ones in the same room. I have also listened to some aspiring writers and minor poets talk about their work so I guess I have been making some incremental progress towards my quest. Of course the journey has also been helped by listening to writers speak about writing by listening to their audio books, for example, Ayn Rand and Stephen King.

So I have been progressing in the recent years and I have not remained stagnant. So maybe my procrastination means that I am not yet ready so I still need to continue towards my goal by achieving incremental milestones. Most writers I know like Hemingway and Garcia Marquez have started as journalist where they were able to hone their craft. I wonder if blogging is a good start for would be writers. What I know is that I have added new skills by typing directly my work (rather than by long hand), public speaking which increases my communication skills, listening to audio books which stimulate a different mental process, attend author's meetings, listening to the writer's craft and blogging and public speaking. These are really minor achievements but should be enough to bring me to the next level I hope.

Looking for the weekend

I am looking forward to the weekend. I think I can start working on my book in more seriousness. Yesterday I read an article on numerology where I converted my full name and birth date to a single digit number. The first result is called my destiny number - based on my name while the next result is called my life path number - based on my birth date. Based on my destiny number, I need order, discipline and structure to be successful. Based on my life path number, I am imaginative, travel a lot and like change. Interesting results though I think it's hogwash.

Nevertheless, it seems to provide some insight to my present condition. For instance, I really need order, discipline and structure in both my work and my attempts to be a writer. Secondly, I need these virtues because I am too imaginative and I open myself to a lot to stimulation. Also, the path to travel and living in other places also portends my possible future. Strangely, the results of my numerology experiment seems to provide some wise advise. Amazing how these things can come out, similar to opening a fortune cookie in a Chinese restaurant.

I spend to much time in self-analysis although it's more self-reflection. Often when I am faced with major decisions I paralyze myself with over analysis. I take myself too seriously and end up being neurotic. But I identify to the complex thoughts of the characters in the last book I read. They spend too much time thinking like me though on more serious matters affecting their lives and future.

I just finished reading Orhan Pamuk's book 'Snow', which is one of the best books I have read in quite some time. It's offers a very unique and modern voice for Islam. I can't wait to read his other books (although I have already read his other works like 'The New Life' and 'The White Castle'). The story is well-told and provides a kind of inner voice on the perils of the modern Muslim. It is a great difference to fundamentalist viewpoints seen in television today. I often read magazine that say that modern Islam can be seen in Egypt or Morocco but I think it's more seen in Turkey. I think it's where the future of Islam lies.

Procrastination

Yesterday was a holiday. I went jogging in the morning and surfed the Internet most of the day. I wanted to work on my book but the distraction of the Net was too seductive. I wanted to find out a few things and later was only able to work for a few minutes in the late evening. There is too much information out there that you will get lost and enticed. It started with my research on Kars - the eastern Turkish city depicted in Orhan Pamuk's incredible book 'Snow' which I am listening to these past days.

Soon I was in You Tube looking at Turkish documentaries, Google Earth looking at the actual map and pictures of Kars, various other sites on the same city and soon videos on the Turkish military, Kurds and belly dancing - both the Turkish and Arabic version, and finally, Turkish musical videos and exotic group dancing. I guess I fairly satisfied my curiosity on Kars and Turkey that started with Orhan Pamuk's book. Initially I thought it was a fictionalized city. (To increase my distraction, I am also reading a picture book on Islamic influence on Venice!)

I also spent some time reading the news on the major newspaper web sites on the credit and bailout crisis, US presidential elections, British politics, wine videos and, finally, some adult sites not worth mentioning. Afterwards, I watched a DVD movie of Michelangelo Antonioni's 'Red Desert'. So this is the greatest challenge I faced that is to beat my procrastination. So success in any endeavor as both Warren Buffet and Bill Gates have said is to have FOCUS. There are too many distractions in TV and the Internet that will pull you away from your work if you do not have an iron will.

I researched on the website devoted to writing a novel and found some sites that are helpful. Firstly, I realized that writing is not some divine mystical effort the I thought it was after reading Hemingway. He writes very simply that you are deluded into thinking that it's really easy to do, driven by a divine inspiration. But this has not worked for me and the CDs on writing I listened to such as by Ayn Rand and Stephen King have corrected me of this delusion. Writing a novel is really an activity that must be done without emotion and the websites on writing have emphasized this point. It is more like having a regular and structured schedule to write.

The writing approach is also fairly clinical and I realized that I already have the tools to be successful. I have purchased software programs like New Novelist and Novel Writing Standard that provide a structure. But I never was taken with this idea and preferred to be divinely inspired - driven by ecstatic emotions to fuel the creative urge like those artists seen in movies.

This is the impression that has built within me throughout the years and which have prevented me from achieving anything. Now I realized that it's like any project and tools like MS Excel, MS Word and Mind Mapping as well as the other software tools I mentioned are really helpful for the writer. It's removing the emotion (the so called creative urge from artsy-fartsy types) and embarking on regular working routine (like in any other work) that is the key to overcoming procrastination.