Christmas in Manila

I will be flying back to Manila this afternoon. I will be there until New Year's eve when we will be flying back home. I spent the weekend going to the museums. There were some good exhibits but I found later that one of them will be open free to the public from 24th to 4th of next month. I should have waited but I guess I saved some time next year. I wanted to go to the Marina Barrage but did not have time. I planned to go the next day on Sunday but decided to spend the day watching DVD. I am watching the HBO classic 'ROME'.

The mini-series is one of the best series I have seen in years. The first season I think was better than the second season. I started to read about the characters in Wikipedia this morning. I nearly finished with the second season and will continue when I get back. I don't have the time to finish all the episodes today as my flight is at 4 in the afternoon. I also reserved the audio book 'The 12 lives of Caesar' by Suetonius. I think I will not have a chance to read once I transfer abroad. I have had many thoughts about transferring over the weekend and I guess most people in the office think I will not transfer. I guess moving is more an act of will than anything else.

I always envision the life of other people who are now there, how they are living their lives now, how they have adjusted and assimilated. I then have dreams of my own life, the transfer of my family and the other things that concerns us during the move. I would then compare and contrast and see who had the better life. I think this instinctive act of comparison is how I adjust to the new life. I remember my grandmother who always challenges us by comparing each other, with my brothers or cousins. I think this has made us lose some self esteem or made us more competitive and aggressive. To judge our lives by comparing with the lives of others.

Perhaps this is also the explanation on why I go to all these museums or shows. To be part of some social elite, one that is aware of the trends in art, literature or architecture. I realized that I am a snob and I like elitist things. Then I try to imagine the life of the ordinary folks where I will be transferred soon. I realized that they may be more simple and down-to-earth folks who have no desire for stuff like art, literature and architecture. They are the more practical and pragmatic people, people who are ultimately the more happiest and simplest people. These folks are not driven to seek decadent pleasures like some people in sophisticated cities do.

But I guess that is the life that I must lead. I think I should focus more on the labor of writing and it will be similar to my life back home where I had a house and car to maintain. It will be a life filled with day to day stuff of maintaining a household unlike here in Singapore with housing flats maintained by the government. So I will have less time to read but maybe more time to focus on completing my book. Reading will be more a luxury there where quality books may not be as accessible as here. The library system here is probably the best in the world, geared towards a sort of citizen elite but resulting in some sort of sophisticated decadence I think.

Last Office Day in 2008

I can't seem to focus in work today. I kept looking at the websites sent by the overseas relocation team. I looked for houses and cars for sale. I choose a few from those available for 2 bedroom and 2 bath houses. I also choose a 2001 or 2002 Toyota Sienna van. I can't help having this dreams and thinking about my new life. I will be on a 2 week leave starting next week and I can't help surfing the Internet and dreaming about my future. I feel that it is already close to me that I can taste it. Listening to William Faulkner is also a sort of preparation for living in the South.

We had a meeting a few moments ago on the new organization structure for next year. My boss will be moving to China so I will be reporting to the group director. At least hierarchically but I still report to my boss functionally in China. I guess the situation will further evolve as we move along the year. There is still a lot of transition that will proceed. I am glad that I have been plucked out of my situation here and transported into a bigger stage. The bigger stage is in an economic mess right now that salvation depends on the new administration. So everyone is hoping for a grand plan that will lift them out of their troubles.

Tomorrow I plan to go to the museums. I plan to go to 2-3 museums then use my voucher at the Marriott hotel at Orchard. I think I will be back at my home at about 6 or 7pm. It will be probably be my last Christmas here in Singapore. It will also be my last visit to my home country in a long while as well. So I hope to make the most of it by going to museums and places of interest. I think I have seen a lot of Singapore with all the company and personal events that I have gone to. Now I plan and prepare from my new life. Similar to the book 'The New Life' by Orhan Pamuk which actually was the death of the narrator in a bus accident at the end of the book.

There are still many loose ends at work but I cannot seem to get anything done. This attitude is not possible in my new job next year. The new office will be a no-nonsense, focused and hard working place. I hope the economic situation will improve when I get there possibly in the 2nd quarter. The things I still need to do here at work are: enter the work tickets for the project, plan for the data warehouse training, plan for the go live in China, follow-up IBM to complete the set-up, monitor the transition and transfer support to a new team before I leave. In my personal life, I still need to: finish the documentation for my visa, sign the dispute form, ask about my kid's deferment or possible cancellation of residency, arrange my finances and plan for my flat's rental.

There are a few minor things to complete as well such as complete my appraisal, call up my business project leader in Thailand and consultant in Europe. But the atmosphere at the office is already vacation time. I think the major activities have started and the little ones need some attention before they become urgent. The team in the office is getting less though some departments are increasing. I cannot help but feel that I should push the transfer process faster so I get to move soon. I think the economic prices will be good to me because house and car prices will be down.

Dinner in Chinatown

I had dinner tonight with my old friend. We used to worked together in a project before he left the company. We had dinner in Chinatown of spicy stingray, prawn omelet, kangkong vegetables, seafood fried rice and beer. We had a good conversation discussing about life. I like talking him because he is one of the few persons whom I can speak sensibly with. I will miss his company when I move overseas. I received this morning the documents to process my visa application. Things are beginning to move forward now. I started to look in the Internet at the houses for sale in the location of the new company. I like what I see and hope I will be successfully in my plans.

The conversation last night was about life, relationships and marriages. I spoke from my experience after being married for nearly 18 years. These days I am the old guy, the veteran at work. For instance, we had a meeting with my department where we shared our thoughts and spoke with the new team from the outsource agent. Most of the people around the table where quite younger than me. They all shared their stories and thoughts. When it was my turn, I said that I was with the company for nearly 14 years. It seemed like an incredible achievement these days. Sometime I wonder why. Is it because in today's culture, spending this length of time is an incredible task?

Sometime I sell my self short by thinking that I did not have the courage to move to a new company. But my old friend would always tell me that I have a wealth of experience. He is right but I don't have the mindset or gumption to appreciate what I have. My mind is always at the present tense, not thinking deeply of the past stores of experience that I have in me. I guess that is a problem because I always shoot at the hip without any serious thought. I always realize when ever I meet my old friend wherein he bring out in me my inner most thoughts and confidence. It was always a pleasure to work with him because he could size up a person well and understand exactly how that person can be best utilized, to bring out the best in him.

Today was a sort of sad day. A few of my colleagues from the old office in Manila are returning home tomorrow. We may not see them anymore as they have transferred their knowledge to the new outsource team, or will be working remotely in Manila or at another location. They may not have another opportunity to work in Singapore again. So we said our goodbyes and they went on their way. I tried to organize a dinner but could not reach a schedule where everyone was available. I went to the room where the knowledge transfer was being done with the boss man's company. We talked and had a good exchange and, finally, said our farewell to the staff who will be moving to India to continue the shadow support.

I was glad to speak before the team although my role has drastically been reduced. The Indian team touched me by saying that I was the only friendly person here in the company. It seemed that I was the only person the outsource people could talk to. I seemed to be always smiling and having a good time. I liked that and I am glad that my seemingly good nature has enabled them to enjoy their work. I jokingly said that my job is to entertain them to make sure that the real job gets done. So that I guess is my present role at my age and stature. With my length of service, my true role is to coordinate, lead, entertain, coach and guide. I may no longer be fit to do the actual work because there are other people who are smarter and more hard working than me.

I think that I have risen above the level of being the jester or comedian. I realize people not only look at me for humor but also for direction. Perhaps this is leadership when one can achieve it due to dint of age and experience. On another subject: it is difficult to read William Faulkner's books. His game is at a more difficult level and deceptively simple. His works are more difficult to understand if one just listens to it. But his work is relevant because it is new and chart's new territory. His work is like Picasso's cubist paintings which represented the avant garde at that point in time. Now my problem is trying to look for relevance in a world of change and young people. Perhaps to do something new and avant garde like Faulkner due to some inner insight or experience.

Christmas Anxiety

I am attending a make-up class on the software tool used for enterprise project management. I already attended a few sessions in the past but was unable to complete the whole training. Often times I leave early or could not attend the day's session due to some pressing concern. I now appreciate the training because I could now focus on the details. In fact I have a chance to sit across the table from the lecturer. Luckily he can't see me blogging across from him as he is busy lecturing to the others on the conference call. Most participants have called in from Thailand, China and Japan. I am the only attendee in the Singapore office aside from the lecturer.

The lecturer is quite good in his communication skills though I often have difficulty explaining things to him. He is more a talker than a listener. So we get into problems when I try to persuade him with my point of view. As a talker, the best approach is to try to ask probing questions and move him towards the direction that will explain my point. But he is a nice guy and his communication skills is quite good. He is diligent and studies his area well. The previous person in his position was also quite good but did not have his focus and diligence. Not because she was lazy but because of too much work; handling many responsibilities at the same time. In fact I like working with her and she now works with the boss man in my previous role.

Last night I slept a few minutes after midnight. I arrived home late after a meeting with the team from head office. I watched the HBO series 'Rome' when I got home and had a modest dinner of toasted bread, Cheddar cheese, anchovies, Camembert cheese, wine and a chocolate bar. It was the same dinner for the past few days. One good thing about being home alone is that I am less inclined to overeat. I was able to watch 2 episodes but fell asleep near the end of the second episode. I slept in my son's room so I could use his air con and read some of his Japanese Manga comics about a Japanese Samurai. I woke up at about 7am, had breakfast of oatmeal and cashew nuts and orange juice. I was able to exercise in the rowing machine for about 15 minutes while listening to William Faulkner's audio book.

This morning I met the human resource head, my former boss, on the way to the office. I think we shared the same train. We talked about my impending overseas transfer and he asked me about the status. I told him about the remaining issue on my starting date and that he needed to reply to a mail to confirm my starting date. I can now speak more in the open about the transfer. In the past, I would not like to speak about it until things are at a more concrete state. I feel that speaking about a possible event this early may affect my luck adversely. I think this attitude affects my enthusiasm about the transfer. The overseas team are very happy and enthusiastic but my replies by email may not be as enthusiastic enough. I guess I never felt such candor and openness in the past.

I feel like I am more like a wound-up ball waiting to explode. I am always in defensive mode looking for traps laid out by my enemies. I guess it is this fear that prevents me from relaxing and trying to be myself. I am more in a cautious and alert state, keeping watch of possible aggression and deception. I guess it is this state of agitation like being in a perpetual state of alertness. This is preventing me from being a writer or speaker and just living a relaxed normal life. I often try to review my past to determine when I started to live this way. Perhaps it was when I lost my first love in college or my dad's explosion of anger and harsh whacking to enforce discipline or maybe the frequent comparison to other people that affected my self-esteem during my early youth.

I was always called a quiet man, not noisy and verbose. Perhaps keeping more to myself, being comfortable in solitude. Now I am trying to break this mold with my Toastmaster experience and interactions in work. In fact I think that I should be more an extrovert and be a vocal person to succeed in work. So I am trying to change myself which is not the lesson expounded by current literature that speaks of focusing on your strengths. My actions for self-development in recent years have been to improve my weaknesses I think. I don't know if I have elevated myself to a higher level but I feel more paranoid and agitated. I guess it's all the changes and anxiety arising from the changes in the organization.

It's a strange time to be anxious; being in the midst of the Christmas season. Sometime I think that I can no longer understand the way the office works. Especially working with the people in the office. It seems like there is no order and coherence in their words and efforts. I feel that their works have no clarity or structure. Of course, they all talk but nothing significant is really being said. So that is why I want to transfer. I hope that I can better adapt to the new world than trying to understand today's generation of personnel at the office. It is also these seeming incoherence, a babble of confusing tongues, which give me stress as well. Maybe as the mind ages, it looks for simplicity and order.

Home Alone

I arrived home at about 8pm last night to a empty house. I passed the library to borrow the William Faulkner audio book - a collection of his short stories. I returned Somerset Maugham's audio book this morning. The styles of both writers are very different. When I try to compare Salman Rushdie's work with both these writers, I have the impression that Salman is more flash and less substance. He is the lesser amongst the three writers but his flashiness do have echoes of greatness. Somerset's novels has a more mature and deeper work. A true classic. But compared to William Faulkner, I think Somerset is a lesser writer.

William Faulkner has a more singular, creative and unique voice from my impression. No doubt Somerset is a great and classic writer but he seems more a workman, a craftsman of writing. It is his subject that makes his works great and no doubt his body of work enriches literature. But Faulkner's work seem to be made of a more higher state, with the voice of a true artist. He speaks of the American South together with Tennessee William's work. They both provide a rich picture although I know Tennessee William's work more from the movies made from his plays starring Marlon Brando. Faulkner is a more difficult work to understand but the construction of his novels is at a more elegant and sophisticated level.

Tonight I have a meeting from 7 to 9 pm in the evening with the support team from Europe. Yesterday I had a meeting with the regional team in Asia. The news from my projects is the reduction of budget. We will deploy to only a few plants in Asia next year. I also had a meeting about the budget with the new guy from project office. I had a loud discussion with him. I often have difficult sessions with him and I sometime think that he is talking down on me. I often have a difficult time talking with the locals. Maybe it's a different perspective which the locals have or I have to improve my communication skills. I admit I have some problem in that department but I think I work hard to try to explain myself clearly.

Now the end game is being played with my impending departure. I started writing this blog about 2 years ago to relive my stress in the coming changes in my life. The picture is clearer today regarding my fate. It was a fate that I would not have thought possible 2 years ago. It is really amazing how things often turn out. But the endgame is also a difficult phase. I expect a lot of obstacles and challenges. I feel more energized these days than previous weeks or months now that my future is known. I think the journey I started with the writing of this blog, searching for work in the Internet job sites, Toastmaster, project management certification and guitar lessons have made me a different person.

As I read about novel writing, the plot or story is about change or transformation of the characters. If there is no change, then there is no story. I often ask myself if there has been a change these past year. I think the change for me will be more physical when I transfer into a new location. I hope the journey would have prepared me for the new challenge. So the story is not yet over for me but only a beginning. I think the transformation for me is to have reached a saturation point - a point where I have revisited my previous haunts, a different and perhaps older person. I think I have aged in my current job where I get to experience my changed perspective when I revisited Thailand and China again and again in my projects.

Regarding my voyage as a writer, I realized so little I have known. My consciousness and perspective is changing as well from the naive dilettante to a more worldly maturity. My writing skills still needs to evolve from self-expression to a more focused and clinical objectivity. Perhaps it is more a move away from self-centeredness. At this point in time, I think I would need to rise above from my indolence and focus more on practical areas. I think now is the time where I will have less time to read but more time for action. Sometimes I feel that this job is like moving to a retirement home but in fact it will be a challenging place where there is no time for naivete but for hard earned experience.

Christmas Vacation

My family left for our hometown yesterday afternoon. I spent most of the weekend watching DVD movies and drinking brandy. I slept late last night at about midnight. I got a text message from my son when they arrived at the airport in a province outside the city. I will try to call them later this evening. I will leave next Monday for my vacation and join them for my 2 week holiday. We will be back together here in Singapore on the 31st of December. I will miss the reunion with my relatives next Sunday but it's for the best. I don't feel like meeting them although it maybe our last visit for a long while once we transfer overseas.

We had a phone conference with the relocation manager last Saturday morning which was Friday morning over there. She is a kindly woman who looked like a grandmother. She told us about the steps for relocation and the process of moving. I asked my wife to join so she can also hear about the process so she can plan as well. My wife will also be able to share this information back home once she meets with my family. I miss her terribly and realize that she has kept my life on an even keel despite my flights of fancy. I don't know why but seems that I appreciate her more while listening to the works of Somerset Maugham. It's strange that he could write with such delicacy and detail about family life. I especially like his stories about the life of expatriates in Malaysia and Singapore.

I can identify with the challenges faced by English families living in the colonies. We have moved about 7 years ago to Singapore and we are preparing again for another move. It will be another difficult time I think for my kids but maybe I am just exaggerating it. I think it will be a good environment and I am just being pessimistic after remembering all those images seen in American movies about schools with unruly kids. But the relocation manager in her kindly voice reassured us that it will be alright. My kids may need to stop their studies for a few months since they will be changing school when we move over.

During our talk with the relocation manager, she mentioned that there is some discussion on the my starting date with the company. I told her that the date reflected in the computer system is my start date here in Singapore and not at my home country. It should be about 13+ years covering my years at the old Philippine factory. Again I was suspicious that not enough effort is being done locally to help me in the transfer. I get the feeling again that I have to do all the work myself to push the transfer through. Strange that my former boss - the snake is now the head of our resource service. But it's my paranoia again working overtime.

I watched a good Chinese movie on Sunday, 'The King of Masks'. I still have a fresh memory of my trip to Liaoning province. This place always evokes for me a kind of exotic ness about China which I can't get anywhere except maybe Hong Kong. But Hong Kong reeks more of the British while Liaoning reeks more of the Japanese and Russians. I feel that I have had a settling of my mind during my stay there and my monkey mind is again reacting. But with my family on holiday and the house empty, it will be a difficult time to settle my thoughts. Loneliness and travel and assimilating into foreign local shores are a constant theme in Somerset Maugham's works and I can't help feeling the pain of his characters.

Recovering From Travel

I feel in a daze after arriving from China. Last night, I attended the Toastmaster meeting and I did not contribute too much. I felt tired but I wanted to attend the last meeting for the year. This morning we began the knowledge transfer for the boss man's data warehouse project. It was a struggle to start because it was a long while ago when I started this project. So I had to look for my old materials and remember what had transpired about 2 years ago. I realized that I had done a lot of work despite my failure to successfully complete the project.

In the afternoon, we had a phone meeting with the contributors from India. We settled a few issues on the scope of work needed to be done. We are in the midst of transition while the project is ongoing. I hope that the road is now clear. I was also answering a lot of emails from the technical head in China. The performance issue keeps on going round and round. But I realized that he does not know how to proceed. Hopefully, we got the message across. I still have to log my time sheet and work on the dashboard report for the meeting next week. A day in a life of a project manager.

I realized that tomorrow's knowledge worker should be someone with a wide ranging mind. Talking to different people in different areas in the globe, about different subjects or projects, learning new processes and things to do. I am reaching my breaking point and it's only the will to continue. Tomorrow's worker should not be bewildered by having a wide range of experience or have a wide range of interest by reading books. Maybe this will help them overcome the bewildering onslaught information. I guess I am feeling this way because I am tired from my trip. I will have a better mind when I get some rest during the weekend.

I have 1 disc left to listen to before completing the 15 disc audio book 'Shalimar the Clown.' Salman Rushdie strikes me as a more modern Gabriel Garcia Marquez. He wrotes more about the relevant issues of the day. But his novels lacks the mark of a classic and timeless work which Marquez or V.S. Naipaul reeks in. There is no doubt that his work is way above average, close to a work of true genius but there is a feeling of triviality or pop culture. His greatness lies in the broadness of his vision, inventiveness and craft. But somehow it lacks the power of Kawabata or Marquez or Naipaul or even Coetzee.