Old Friend

Yesterday I connected with a colleague who worked in China who knew an old friend of mine who died last March. We reminisced in the chat as we remotely remembered his brilliance and untiring devotion to his craft, he was a true legend and an expert in his field who unfortunately was a heavy smoker. He had a stroke and died after a few days. The outpouring of grief and remembrance was evident on his Facebook page. I was shocked when I heard the news disbelieving he was dead because of his outsized personality and larger than life to many people in Thailand,  China, Philippines, India and other places where he set up the logistics network. 

He never faltered in his career and everyone knew his contribution to the company. In retrospect, I am reading the book 'The Greatest Trade Ever'  about the big short on the housing market that made a small group of contrarian very wealthy. These people were thought to be over the hill, in the twilight of their career , personalities that did not fit the prevailing ethos of the current workplace they were in. Instead, believing in their own genius and went on toward their lonely path, eventually to greatness.

I am not like my my old friend, instead similarly to those people in the big short who listend to the beat of their own distant drums. I am an outsider who is never comfortable as squad lead, who did not like to be in the spotlight of being a leader. I think  I did have my moments but I always felt awkward. Looking back at my notes, I did mention that I prefer to act alone as a project manager rather than a scrum master.In fact I did apply for the post of project manager but due to a screw up (in my point of view) was shifted into this position which I just waltzed into, thinking my current skills will see me through.

It did not help that I was not given the training so  I did the best I could and the stupid management team clueless as well went to the clumsy attempts to try to improve me or convince me to go to another post. In the end, like a good soldier, I moved to the the post that I had originally applied for, accepting the responsibility or blame that my immediate management did not have the courage or decency to accept the judgement of being in the chain of command. I feel like one of those characters in the book looking for their place in the sun. 

I miss my old friend with the certainity of his convictions and the courage of his beliefs to move ahead to get things done no mattter the consequences. So I lurk in the shadows improving my mind through meditation, to keep my wits and sanity as I transition into this role, attending remote seminars on project management, learning new skils in building a second brain, reflecting and working on new projects as I try to get unstuck. In fact, it is not as bad as I make it seem as I have many supporters and friends and the company is kind. It is not a bad world afterall. 

Mind + Wandering = Procrastination

Last week I was able to complete the online courses I needed to finish for the year. This was probable the most fruitful work I did all week although I did engage in several good meeting on various projects and topics. A fair amount of procrastination occurred which I tried to manage by moving to my other work space in my bed room in the afternoon coming from my son's room where I  work in the morning. I do get bored in lose focus and attention if I stay in one place and see the need to move to regain focus. Also , the sun sets in my son's room which make the place warmer.

In my son's room, my 2 monitors are set up one on top of the other in a vertical alignment while my monitors in the my bedroom are set-up on a horizontal alignment. The different alignment allows me a fresh change. Yesterday I decided to only have 2 monitors active, instead of 3   which include my laptop but this has not helped me and perhaps contribute to confusion when I try to juggle multiple screens or work spaces. So I close the cover of my lap top monitor and work in the 2 external monitors. Simplicity does help in reducing mental confusion.

I am always in my head, thinking about solutions and next steps that I end up paralyzed and not moving as fast as needed. I will start externalizing my thinking by writing in notebook or tablet or eRemarkable or in my whiteboard or post it board to bring out the ideas in my head. Doodling and bullet lists and short observations or sentences should stimulate and better facilitate the needed action. I have the bad habit of thinking that I should write out the ideas in long form, in well thought off paragraphs like in an essay which is actually the finish product - a well though of action plan. Instead scribbling or doodling is an the act of thinking and moving forward already.

I like to do mind mapping but I tend to think through first what needs to be in the map when one should just do - it without any fully formed thoughts as the act of mapping without thinking is the idea as the exercise will stimulate the needed mental activity. Same with other external tools in my smart phone or devices : to - do list, calendars, note taking. My grand plan of trying our Build a Second Brain (BASB) concept has further confused me with all the jumble of ideas and tools that can be used to achieve the goal of externalizing the mind. Hence, I end up in my head with too much churning ideas.

Amidst the jumble of these mental activities plus the thinking involved in my work projects, training and personal projects like writing a book and cleaning out my garage, my mind leaps into day dreams; thinking about plots of revenge in office politics, or future dream states such as being rich and famous after writing bestseller or living in Europe or making high grossing films or future romances or escapades. These day dreams get triggered when I am bored or when a perceived slight occurs in the office, or  when I am stressed or anxious due to perceived external threats ( losing my job) that the mind escapes into fantasy.

Hence my attempts to do more meditation, to be more mindful of my mental gyrations and to be in the moment. But meditation is not enough to succeed in my my life and work. Being a knowledge worker requires the mind to be in top shape, using the latest tools and through externalizing thinking and having good habits and a conducive workspace. This is all the more important as one grows older with the mind losing it's former youthful power but with a potential to compensate for it's age with brain  plasticity. Is this were gadgets like TCDS (electric current ) or PEMF ( magnetic waves ) help the brain keep up.?             

Remote Training

Last week I attended a Zoom training for 4 days. Despite being remote, the seminar went well as the 2 trainers were extremely knowledgeable and experienced. They organized breakout rooms, effectively grouping people together and giving us small projects for each team to discuss and present. The  technology allowed us to interact and engage with each other despite not being physically together. I admit I lost my shyness by keeping our cameras open and interacting with other people.

Since moving into my new role, I have gotten back to my PMI world as PM, getting PDU units to keep my accreditation. I plan to also continue my Toastmaster membership and attend meetings. The decision for leave my former role was the right thing to do and I have to bear whatever burden and loss that may bring. I read an old journal entry where I recorded my conversation with the former manager and I told him that I wanted to leave the squad and act on my own as project manager. 

The challenge would be not to succumb to self pity and paranoia but to strike out in my new role and excel like I always do in projects. There is a path forward if I keep my wits and initiative, and the journey will be a rebirth, to get unstuck and recover from stress and anxiety. It is a good sign that this month I have the best sleep score than the previous months which shows I am heading back to a more saner life.

I am getting back my old confidence being away from working with people, organizing weekly activities and getting things done. I see the progress and new method being used and the change happening to the squad and glad the are thriving under the new squad leader. I am glad to have experienced that role and to meet with each of the squad member but this was not my wheelhouse. I am glad to have gotten the mental space and bandwidth to do project and also personally to finally focus on my project to write a novel.

AI has brought a new path forward and this new technology makes senses for me to use. Never have I imagined that such a tool would exist that would perfectly fit my situation and aptitude. I may have stumbled into an area that may fit exactly my temperament and skills (or lack thereof). A door has opened and it's up to me to focus, master the new technology and move ahead.