The First Meeting

I had the first meeting with the business project leader this morning. There about 5 more participants in the meeting and I contributed in some moments. I understand the process but not the specific details. I followed the discussions but my mind wandered a few times. Clearly I need to learn more about the specifics but I think I am doing good these past days. After all, I have been here for less than 15 days and I am glad that I could follow and contribute to the discussions. It was an awkward few minutes and I mostly kept quiet listening to the discussions. But I have no choice but to move forward even though I make some initial mistakes.

My boss, the project manager is not here for the week so I am trying to find my way. But I am more calmer here than in Asia because people seem more fair and there is no grandstanding and politics. I think there are subtleties around and people do work behind people's back but I feel that people are more decent and upright and calm than in Asia or Europe. I realize that the Americans have the best qualities that any modern people can possess. The idea of citizenship in the classic sense it a living and breathing reality. Fairness and equality are not some abstract concept but an every day principle of life.

I feel it in my bones in fact when I walk in the office and start working. It is not just the efficiency but the value that the system places on the individual. For example, I was able to buy a car, have my desk and computer set-up, my company badge made the next day I reported to work, my desk keys replaced with new ones, buying a home and getting a loan. So the system works to give people the best that life and work can offer. There is also a feeling of change and freshness maybe with the new administration in the government. I think the reality of the first African-American president is permeating all walks of life in the country.

Some news stories say that the recession is easing. So I am glad that I got in at the right time. I slept late last night wasting my time. I should have focused more on my project. But my senses is always excited with the newness of life here. I think I am overstimulated that I cannot sleep in my normal equilibrium. Despite doing more tasks here than in Singapore, I seem to have more energy in the evenings. Last night I slept at nearly 1am and I was sleepy the next day. I was struggling in the afternoon but I think I did well on average considering I am just new here.

I am again multi-tasking, completing the car purchase, working on the home financing, car insurance and checking the courses of my son's college. All these personal stuff plus the project that I am doing at work. I am making major decisions based on logical constructs that make reasonable sense. I think that is the magic of this place because the people are practical, logical, decent and straight forward. I guess that is why I feel less threatened and less stressful here than in Asia where emotions and personality relationships seem to influence decisions. There is more professionalism and fairness than anywhere in the word I believe.

Buying a 2005 Saturn Ion

Accomplished a lot today and yesterday. It's the 28th and I believe my luck runs in variants of 7. So I feel that it is a lucky day. I brought home the brand new 2nd hand car. It is a 2005 Saturn with about 34,000 miles used mileage. It does about 34 miles per gallon and the car cost about $ 8,000. I think it's not a bad buy even considering that GM may discontinue the product line. Yesterday GM announced that it will discontinue the Pontiac brand and made me a little worried. There are so many choices and it is difficult. I planned to buy either a second hand Toyota, Honda or Ford.

But the used car dealer lowered the price of the Saturn so it made it appealing to my budget. Saturn is also one of the more promising product lines of GM as it started this division to compete against Japanese brands. I made this choice because the car met the main criteria: fuel efficient (34 mpg), low used mileage (34,000) relative to other cars, relatively new model (2005), reasonable good customer reviews and most importantly the price. It was actually the price reduction that made me jump and buy it. My next purchase should be either Toyota or Honda so I can spread the risk. If I can lease a car, it would be a good alternative for me.

I also place a deposit on a townhouse. I felt a little concern buying so many things but I do not like to pay rent. I have never paid rent in my life and I would not like to start now. So I chose a property that was marked down by about $15,000. The real estate developer also provided a 6% incentive on the purchase price so I think it was a bargain. The agent has been helpful and kind, showing me around the place and driving all around looking at property. I have been looking at property for the past months before coming here. I also spend about 4 days looking at the available properties and this choice seem to me the best bargain. I have had experience in buying property so I feel more confident than perhaps most people.

The next step is arranging the financing. I have about 30 days to complete the transaction as agreed with the developer. So I need to move fast. Like my car loan, I am also arranging the financing with the credit union. I have been assured by the manager that I can get the loan so I am confident. Otherwise, I may need to struggle before I get a loan. The main obstacle is that I have no credit history here. So it's difficult to get financing. But I have no such constraint from the credit union because it is an organization for employees. It also the way of life here. I guess this is one secret of being a progressive nation because of the easy financing that one can get.

It's a double edge sword with the way things have turned out in the economy recently. So there needs to be a balance. But I think there is no doubt that easy financing is the fastest way to achieve one's dream. It's the American dream to own a house and car and everything here is geared to helping people achieve this goal. It's really extraordinary that someone like me who just arrived about 15 days ago could buy a car and a house. It's amazing that one can come out and achieve things, driven by a desire to make it in life. Success here really depends on the amount of work and effort that you are willing to do.

Paris Mountain

Yesterday we went to a public park called Paris Mountain. We cooked barbecued pork beside the picnic tables. We also had pancit, pakbet, mangoes and onions salad and apple pie. I baked the apple pie in the morning before the trip. We used our friend's SUV to go to the park. My son cooked the barbecues. We had a nice time. After the late lunch, we drove around the park and walked around the reservoir. Not many people where in the park and some families where cooking barbecues, too. A few kids were playing soccer and my son remarked that his younger brother was better than them. We took pictures and our friends drove back and dropped us at the apartment.

Last Friday, my boss and I went to the nearby warehouse which is one of our biggest in the country. We walked around and he showed me the operation. An old lady was in charge of taking care of the shipments. She said that they had a problem a few days back and mentioned that the order number had a '666' number. It made me realize that the people here are quite religious and backward despite all the modern trappings. We drove back to the office and my boss passed his house to give me free tickets to the health club. It was nice of him to give me the tickets. We had lunch of pulled barbecue pork and it was great food. The place is called Charlie's and there were a lot of local folks around. My boss said that they are mostly workers like electricians, plumbers, and other work men.

I think we are establishing some sort of rapport these past few days. Although I still have a lot to learn about the way things work around here. But everyone tells me that this department is a good place to land. I like the way of life here and it's pretty slow. I think the challenge is to be very vocal and try to follow the local customs. I cannot step on a lot of toes though there is pressure to move the project at a faster pace. I feel a bit stressed because there is a lot of things I need to do in the following order: enroll both my son's online in their new college, buy a car, buy a house or at least look for a rental in the coming months before my wife arrives, get my Social Security card and driver's license.

It's good our friends have been great helping us adapt here to this new place. They have been showing us around to the places to eat, shop, places like the park as well as giving good advice in buying car or working in the office. I am still working on my set-up at the office to get connected to the right systems and reading all the needed documents. So it is a hectic time although I also need to be sociable trying to talk and meet the people and talk about the project. I am glad my new boss is a nice, easy-going person. He is not a hard driving guy like the other people I used know in Asia. I think I will get to like working with him.

Today is Sunday and we went to the St.Mary Church in downtown. We went early compared to last week, attending the 9am mass because we though that we could go to the nearby museum. But the museum opens only at 1pm so we went to Main street and walked around. We had a sandwich at Subways. I wanted to go to the Toyota dealer which was also going to open at 1pm. So we went first to the shopping center to buy some groceries. I bought a newspaper and saw that the discount at Toyota was not the same as in the television. I thought I could get more discount but found that it was not the same. So my son and I decided to go back home. We wanted to go to the Ford dealership but it seemed that it was not open on Sundays.

I liked driving through the roads nearby looking at the nice houses with columns and porches. The southern architecture is very beautiful especially with the flower in their gardens. There are some nice looking places and I always forget to bring my camera to take pictures. My wife called me this morning but we were in a hurry to go to church. The movers will be at our place in Singapore next week to pack the things. My cousin is there now to stay a few days. They will soon leave for home and my office mate will transfer by May. They will be living with my wife and youngest son for a month until their new flat is renovated. Sometimes I don't believe that I am already here living a whole new life.

New Boss

I am starting to learn about my new boss after working with him for a few days. He is a soft-spoken and kind gentleman with a tough edge. I think he is one of those who people call a good ole boy. I met with some of my neighbors and the guy beside my cubicle is an Indian who used to support the system that will be replaced by the application I am working on. He said that my hands will be full for the next 3 years at least. Looks like the new application lacks a lot of features needed by the customer. So my boss really needs help from everyone that can lend a hand.

I worked on the documentation needed by quality and started on a few tasks that he assigned to me. I think I am adding some value with this work because he is freed from doing some work which he could spend better time doing other things. I think he is more like me, a bit disorganized and doing a lot of things. I am spending a lot of time meeting people and getting to know them. I guess that's part of adapting to the people and local culture. It takes a lot of time and sometimes I feel awkward and that I might say the wrong thing. I think my boss and I had a few awkward moments but I think we are both mature enough to get over it.

He will be on leave next week and I am left minding the store so to speak. I am checking my access to the help desk tools which I need to get me going to support the application. There is still a long way to go before I get up to speed. I think I made some connections with the people I talked with this morning. It's a close community and I am surprised that most people know about my intimate details. I guess my record and history and family circumstances have been discussed around the coffee area. I guess this is what it means about living in a very close knit community.

It's really an entirely different world here and I did not realize how much different it is as compared to what I had imagined. There is no time for distraction because you have to focus on the job and get things done. For example, I was given Internet access but I discovered that it's extremely limited. I don't even have Internet mail access. So I have no time for procrastination and distraction. When I have nothing to do, I think I need to spend it networking or planning my work. I am getting to know more about the way things work here in the South. The images are known from movies and photographs but quite different living it here in actual reality.

Looking for a House and Car

Yesterday we went looking for a car. We went to a second hand car dealer and dealers for Toyota, Honda and Kia. We compared prices to see if second hand cars are close to new car prices with the drop in prices due to the economic crisis. Looks like second hand cars with less than 10,000 miles of used mileage are sold at prices near the range of new car prices. The prices of new cars range from $ 12,000 to $ 19,000 thousand dollars for 4 door sedans. It is way beyond my budget. After some thought, I think I can only afford cars below the $ 10,000 dollar range. This means that the used mileage would range from 19,000 to 80,000 miles.

Searching for cars makes is very easy in the Internet. I have decided to focus my search to second hand Toyota, Honda and Ford cars. My criteria is prices below $ 10,000, engine displacement of about 1.8L - 2.0L, miles per gallon in the 29-34> range and a used mileage of less than 80,000 miles. My goal is to buy a second hand car that is fuel efficient, a four door family sedan with good reputation for long term durability. Of course, the most important criteria is to keep my monthly payments low. I will be borrowing the money to buy the car from the local credit union. I think I may have to spend about $ 3,000 of my money for the down payment and insurance.

As for the house, I just surfed the Internet and I hope to settle for a property of about $ 120,000. I think the mortgage payments will be equal to my monthly rentals so I think it's better to buy a home and claim tax credits. The main consideration again is the monthly mortgage payments. So I have to keep the amount low. I hope I can sell my flat in Singapore so I can use the money I earn by buying property here. I have to plan very carefully because these monthly payments may sink me if I don't plan properly. I will use up the money I have saved in the past 5 years for these expenses. I think I have to be very careful indeed because I have to factor in the living expenses as well as the education expenses of my kids.

We got home at about 7pm yesterday after looking at the cars for sale. We had lunch at our friends house and I cooked chicken adobo (for the first time), while our friends cooked pasta and spring rolls. After lunch we went out to look at the cars while my son stayed home. I watched 2 movies late in the evening after getting back: 'The Graduate' with Dustin Hoffman and the romantic comedy 'You've Got Mail' with Tom Hanks. I liked both movies and slept at about 2am. On Sunday morning today, we went to St.Mary's church in the city. Afterwards, we went shopping and got home at about 3pm. I slept for an hour and my friends and I went to the sports center. I jogged in the treadmill for 20 minutes and used the stationary bike for 40 minutes.

My friends bought Kentucky Fried Chicken and we had dinner at my place. My son did not join us because he was asleep. I still have to sort a lot of papers to get organized for the office. It's been 5 days since we have arrived and I think we have done a lot of things already. Maybe too much for such a short time. My friends have advised me to take a few days and even weeks to relax and settle down. But I tend to rush things and I need to buy a car soon because my rental car will be taken from me after 3 weeks. I also have to look for a place to buy or rent soon because I have 30 days in this apartment paid by the company. So things are moving fast, too.

Another thing I have to work on is to help my son enroll in community college. I think these are the activities I have to focus on before my wife and son comes over in June. I have to choose a place to live, buy a car and help my son enroll in college. While back home I have to monitor the shipment of my stuff and the selling of my flat so I can use some money for the down payment. I guess these are the usual activities that occupy people who move to another country. I think I will not have time for my usual activities of reading and Toastmaster. I need also to think of earning some more money to supplement my income. I don't think I can make ends meet if we live with only one income.

Touchdown

We arrived at Washington Dulles airport at about 4:15 pm local time. We missed the connecting flight to South Carolina so we had to stay the night in Washington. We took the next available flight the next day at 8:05 am. We had a rented car and placed our things and went to our temporary apartment. The real estate agent met us at the airport and took us around the city. We went to her office and looked at a few houses in the Internet. I liked a few and wondered if I could afford the mortgage. I have to speak to a loan specialist before deciding. We had lunch at the Liberty bridge in downtown. My son had a super sandwich and enjoyed the place. After lunch we went and looked at about 5 to 6 houses. I liked a few and wondered if I could afford it.

The apartment is great - 2 bedrooms and 2 baths in an upscale location near the office. My former colleagues who transferred here earlier, met us in our place and we had dinner at the local Apple bees. It was a nice dinner where we had steak and ribs. We went back a bit late and I felt tired since it was a full day. The next day I went to the office and had an orientation with the relocation manager. Finally I got to meet her after corresponding with her by email and talking to her by phone. She is a wonderful person. My son was with me and like the real estate agent, kept talking to him to engage him. I appreciate that gesture to engage him and I think he learned a lot from the meeting with them. In the afternoon I met my new colleagues and had a chance to know them more. Generally, they all seem warm, friendly and welcoming.

We had dinner with my former colleagues again who are actually a married couple. We all used to work for the same company back in Manila and they recently got married a few months back. During the past 2 days since we arrived, we always have dinner together. They kindly showed us around and helped buy our groceries. Today, I was a bit late at work and spent the morning getting my badge, meeting with the relocation manager again and giving her the needed documents. I was able to get my account at the local credit bank and at the Bank of America. I plan to use one or the other to make a loan and purchase a car and a home. The relocation manager suggested that I can take another job during the weekend once I get my social security card. She is a shrewd lady.

The office is great, probably the best one in the company. I started to meet the people I work with and generally I liked them. I started reading on the project that I am going to do. It's actually a simple but challenging project. I will work as a functional analyst in the project. It seems that I am reporting to 2 bosses. Functional to the project manager - a nice guy that looks like a middle-aged Ryan O Neal. My hierarchical boss is a nice lady who help set-up my laptop and connection to the network. It was all working fine and had a chance to review my mail and read a few documents. I left the office at about 6:10pm and there were only a few employees left. Most people had already gone home early for the weekend.

Earlier in the afternoon, I felt a bit tired and did not feel like talking to anyone. My boss, the Ryan O Neal character told me that I should be taking more and he gently told me to keep asking questions. I realized suddenly that the name of the game is to be articulate and that I should communicate more. This is the crucial skill to succeed in this environment. There is no time for doubt and deep thinking. This place is all about movement and action. I have to spend a lot of time networking and communicating. I also just got alerted about my ACB certificate. My friend back in Singapore was able to register me. I guess I now have the chance to start using everything I learned from Toastmaster as well as the lessons from my previous project. I guess I am lucky to be given another chance to start a new life.

I think that the spirit of the place will not allow me to read a lot but to engage in action. So more writing instead of reading and procrastination. Instead of introspection, the premium is on practicality and engagement. I have to be very careful and rely on my instincts more. It's a great place to live and there are a lot of opportunities to grow. I started to look in some site in the Internet to meet new people with the same interest in writing and reading. But on second thought I think I should spend more time with my son. It's an opportunity for bonding. The new world is a place to start anew and I should know what is the opportunity that I should not miss. I think my main mission is to help my wife and children adjust and it will help me adjust as well.

Leaving on a Jetplane

Tomorrow I leave for my new assignment. It was a hectic weekend for me completing the activities I wanted to do before leaving. Last Friday was a holiday; it was Good Friday, the start of Holy week. But I was at the office working: doing software tests, throwing away my stuff, backing up my hard disk, writing my farewell mails, training the staff in China and talking to my boss. I left the office at about 9pm. I had lunch with the Japanese regional head. We had laksa and oyster omelette at Maxwell food centre. My friend an account agent also came by and we talked awhile while having coffee.

I brought back a lot of stuff in my backpack when I went back home. I wanted to have a massage but I did not have time. I took a taxi back home because I was carrying a lot of heavy things like folders. I threw away a lot of my old papers. I got to see all the stuff I have been working on in Asia. It’s like reviewing my life’s work up until this time. I felt proud on some of the work I did. Especially, when I started to read the functional specification for the production planning software, I felt proud of the work despite the project’s many flaws. I also got some of the replies today on the farewell messages I sent out and I was glad of the warm messages especially my colleagues in Japan.

I also prepared for my last speech on Saturday. The morning was hectic as I went to the clinic to get my results and visited the museum nearby which had a good exhibition on Emperor Kangshi. Afterwards, I went home, had lunch and had a short nap. I went to the speech contest and did my speech. I was a bit hesitant at first because all the others where good. But I managed my internal doubts and proceeded to do my speech. I was well received and I felt better afterwards. I went home and watched the series Tudors. I hope I can finish both seasons.

We went to mass on Sunday and had lunch with my Toastmaster friends. We had a nice time and ate fresh noodles (la mian), dumplings and durian puff. Afterwards we went back to the flat where I met my friends who would be living there with my wife and kid for a few months. They will be moving to their own flat and some renovation work will be done. I watched a lot of movies, purged my papers and did some packing. I also was trying to finish the wine that I had. I still have one bottle left. I still have a lot of things to pack. My flight is tomorrow morning at 7 am.

Four more days

Last night I did my 2 advance projects in Toastmaster. It went well for me because I was able to deliver the speech, do the role play and conduct a summary. One evaluator give good marks but the other suggested I repeat the project. Both my project exceeded the time and I was not qualified for voting for best speech. The Toastmaster of the evening tried to ask for some consideration from the audience. But I really did not care because I already got satisfaction doing the speech. It was enough for me. I have another speech tomorrow which will complete my advance manual. Before going to bed I typed the speech, recorded in the recorder this morning so I can listen and memorize for tomorrow’s meeting.

It was a hectic day yesterday. I had a meeting with the regional boss based in China in the morning. Afterwards I had another meeting with the other company I used to support. I told them I was leaving next week for my new assignment. In the afternoon I met with the personnel to settle my papers for my departure. I also had a phone meeting with my boss and the French team, had my evaluation and started to backup my disk for my boss in China. I will give the portable hard disk to the regional head when he flies back to Shanghai. I did most of my tasks for the day except to go the clinic to get my medical results. I took a taxi to the Toastmaster meeting to save time and conserve my strength.

There are so many demands to my time and I am not sure if I am focusing on the right things. For instance, should I still do my project both at work and for Toastmaster? Shouldn’t I just prepare for the move with my family? I am rushing my medical appointments, my project turnover; my final visits to the museums and what not with more a mix of work and extra-curricular events. What makes things worse is that my projects at work are not doing fine. My replacement in China seems to want to resign. He is quite young and the role maybe to big for him. But it’s no longer my problem because I am halfway out the door. I tired to apologize with the French team and my boss but they said no apology is necessary. That’s life and I need to move on.

I still want to do a lot of things before I leave but I simply have not time. I want to read more books and see more movies and see places here before I go. So I am pressuring myself to do all these things. Meanwhile the relocation team is calling to prepare for my move and I could not put much attention to him. My focus is now and I just cannot imagine that I am truly moving. I guess I will know in a couple of days. Four more days and I will get on the plane with my son and embark on my new life. I am leaving my friends and colleagues and a place that I have grown to love. Life there will be much slower with a more rural and down to earth flavour that I need to adjust to.

Reunion Picnic

Yesterday we had a picnic reunion with our friends. We started at about 4:40 pm and ended at about 10:30 pm. We stayed at the barbecue pit beside the pool but went up to the flat in the evening for dinner. There where lots of food: steamed fish, stuffed fish, spring rolls with vegetables, hot dogs, cakes, marshmallows and pumpkin stew. The theme was to have healthy food. We all had a nice time with the young kids swimming in the pool, teenager playing cards, and adults joking around. When we were having dinner, a few people played the piano and were quite good. A lot of pictures were taken. It was a fun time and we also talked about my family’s impending departure.


My youngest son did not go because he was not feeling well. But there was food at home for him plus we brought back some dessert for him to eat. It was a nice place especially beside the pool with lots of trees and greenery. I did not eat much though I could have used some alcohol. There was a Malay wedding below our flat and was a bit noisy so I was glad to leave and go to the reunion. I went down in the morning to watch the wedding festivities when I heard the women singing. It will be one of the things I will miss when I leave. I went to the park early in Sunday morning for my exercise and I enjoyed the park during my walk.

I spoke to my boss today after lunch. It was a courtesy call after giving my resignation letter needed for my transfer. We had a good talk and he was very supportive. We did not have much time to work together since his return from France. He wished me luck and said that he was happy for me. All things considered, I think he is arguably the best boss the office ever had while I was working here. I said I will keep him updated on my progress. Walking back from lunch, I had this strange feeling looking around; like it will be the last time I will be walking here. It was a similar feeling I had when I was in the park.

Sunday was hectic but I managed to do most of my tasks aside from going to the reunion. I prepared my 2 speeches for my coming Toastmaster meeting, sorted my papers and threw away unneeded stuff, called my parents (and my brother the other day) to confirm the move, read through 3 picture books, listened to my audio book and watched my favourite Japanese show. Saturday was hectic as well; visited Salvation Army warehouse to see if any good furniture, read the 2 books I needed to return, scanned the interesting pages, went to church and borrowed books from the library. I was able to watch also the Stanford video in the early morning on managing change. Despite that full schedule I did not have time to write although I got to watch the excellent move 'Frost/Nixon'. A good film to see after reading the book ‘Nixon and Mao.’

I guess with my last days winding down, I now get to focus on my new company. There are so many things that I still need to know. For example, health benefits, credit card and other things which I only thought about now. I always thought I would know the things I have to take care of but if there are too many things in one’s mind, it’s really impossible. Now I get to see the real change that is coming and I may not have prepared fully. But you can never be fully prepared and one must just plunge ahead. Otherwise, too much information will just paralyze you. Today there is already too much information in my mind and I hope that I can sort it all out. I always think that all that input coming in will self-organized itself in its proper place.

Understanding My Speaking Experience

I was thinking about the real gain from my Toastmaster experience. At the end of the day, I don't think I will be an accomplished speaker or be a professional speaker by occupation. For the short to medium term, I think the experience will help in my daily interaction at work: in meetings, discussions and interpersonal interactions. I don't think I will have an opportunity to speak in a public venue. The experience will be more on being vocal, expressive and
articulate during these interactions.

But I think the major skill that needs to be supplemented with speaking skills is negotiation. Negotiation is a good fit for public speaking because it involves communication and a certain confidence to achieve a certain goal. Reading the book 'Nixon and Mao' by Margaret Macmillan talks about the negotiation that took place between the US and China. It's a good book that tells the behind the scenes story of the summit that changed the relationship between these two countries. It's a good tale about the intricacies of negotiation, back door deals, drama and tension that led to the breakthrough.

By nature I do not speak much and think too much which affect my natural speaking capacity. But at times I am able to relax and can communicate well. Networking during the meetings were actual practice though maybe a bit superficial. But I had a lot of opportunities as well in the project management meetings. I think this should all help in negotiation when needed. I think meetings with discussions are really subtle forms of negotiations. I think negotiation is important in that it's a way to assert yourself.

My main problem is that I take things personally. Whenever there is a conflict or rejection of my ideas, I feel bad and I freeze. I have problems going over these moments of conflicts that I am ineffective in negotiation and any form of discussion. I think I should be able to accept disagreements and not take it personally. I need to rise above the meeting and try to find out the issue involved. Understanding the issue is the key to be able to find a way to overcome the roadblock. The key is to understand that you do not represent your views and disagreement is not personal.

I also need to prepare more when I speak whether in a meeting, public engagement or presentation. My tendency is to 'wing it' in a 'seat of my pants' style. I now know that it does not
work. Perhaps in a one to one session I am more successful in expressing myself. But I made the mistake when I think I can do the same in a public environment. This is what happened to
me during the PMI symposium and other moments in Toastmaster when I serve as the Toastmaster of the evening. Without preparation, I fail and freeze sometimes and unsuccessfully 'wing it'. Oftentimes I have no patience to prepare which cause my downfall.

During meetings, I fail when my ideas are rejected that I cannot get over it. I am lost just waiting to be slaughtered.During these sessions, I should relax and discern the issues involved. My tendency is to be defensive and to take the rejection as a disagreement of my idea (not my person). The trick is to look at my idea like it were an object, to look at it from all sides, find out the flaws, criticize it without feeling and discard it if not useful. It's being dispassionate and being able to bounce back and keep on fighting and exchanging ideas without fear of being rejected. It's the only way to learn.

I guess the speech evaluations is a good way to accept criticism and bounce back. My own inclination is not give a severe criticism to the speaker. I guess it reflects my own tendency to not receive criticism well. But again I should not take it personally. What is being criticized is not me but my public speaking skills and perhaps my preparation. This is another good thing about Toastmaster experience which I should recognize. So the improvement that is needed are in thinking skills or speaking skills or negotiation skills. Not really in improving one's personality. Otherwise you will keep blaming yourself and not really improve.