Mountain Biking

I biked in the nearby Conestee State park with my electric bike. I used a new bike rack attached to my hitch to transport my bike. It was the first time I used the rack; straining to attach the rubber strap, which took a lot of effort that I questioned its design. I need to strengthen my fingers if I will be using the strap for the long haul. It was a pleasure to ride with the pedal-assist mode which relieved the usual effort of biking which becomes more difficult as one grows old. The e-bike brought me back to a younger time when I biked in the hills of Antipolo in my youth.

I had my usual mental doubts at the start but once the rack and bike hang on my car, the doubts disappeared. I always think too much up until the time when the action is needed. Procrastination is the bane of the worry - wort; missing again my pledge to work after getting back from my bike ride, as indolence, Ouzo, and the movie 'My Own Private Idaho' distracted me from my goal. Nevertheless, the day was not wasted as I cleared up some stuff from my garage, bringing empty cartons to the nearby recycling center.

One is delayed, procrastinating, doubtful whenever one succumbs to thinking or allowing the mind to go into its usual groove of thinking about recent events such as the dinner at my friend's house to celebrate Thanksgiving. The usual envy and resentment rise up, perceived slights and one-upmanship when in fact one does not need to compete.  One just needs to enjoy life and focus on your own inner joy such as mountain biking into the hills. Such episodes confirm that I am not comfortable in social situations because of petty conversation and prefer solitary activities.

Freedom from hate and envy and deluded thinking is the secret to happiness as everyone knows. Trying to achieve this nirvana is the trick. As I drove around for the day's activities I listened to John le Carre's book 'The Pigeon Tunnel'. He is a pleasurable writer to read and his attempt at autobiography shows a different side of him, away from the cloak and dagger of his books. One feels that he is not telling the full story and he alludes to the official secrets act that prevents him from doing so. All in all an enjoyable day despite missing the pledge to do some work.

Thanksgiving

Despite the holidays, I kept working, responding to emails, and completing tasks in my projects. The internal audit is taking more time than I thought. This job is usually done by my manager but assigned to me as he is incapable of doing it himself. I continue to work on areas that are not really my job but I do them anyway.  It is moments such as these that one contemplates retirement. Perhaps there are better things to do such as writing that great novel or screenplay. Taking stock of one's life seems to happen more often these days especially in comparison to my friends.

Luck does play a huge part and looking back at my success in moving here was due to my former boss, a New Zealand Indian who was born in South Africa. He was a nice guy where I often had arguments with in the past but in the end, he was a decent chap. He also helped my other friends to move here from Asia and they have prospered as well. It is the usual attitude that one attributes one's success to his abilities when in fact it was the help provided you by others. It is what comes next, how one uses his luck to further his fortune. The mistake is thinking that one has reached where he has due to his abilities rather than by luck.

It is humbling to think that luck plays a big part in one's success that one begins to doubt. Those who think otherwise, that success was due to their own cunning and abilities forge ahead and may end up in trouble due to hubris and miscalculation. I have envied my friends who have better luck and opportunities, angry that my own fortune is not the best but in fact, I am fortunate as well which I often do not see; instead, coveting what others have. It is reaching for an illusion rather than the good.

Everyone has a good soul and that my anger and envy have blinded me to this reality. Even if they are false in their beliefs, one should not fault them for their illusions. One becomes free to think we are all responsible for our destiny rather than looking at others for their better luck ( or so it seems). One must focus on his own life. This is a lesson that I take from that canny South African Indian living in New Zealand who hurled us outward to America. To help us along in our quest for a better life and to take responsibility for our lives.

Audit Deadline

We did not finish the required tasks on Friday which was the target. However, the patron did well to rise above the occasion. He did most of the talking as if he did work on the evidence.  Nevertheless, I was glad he led the meeting as I was exhausted and burnt out from the ordeal, doing a last-minute effort to get the work done. The auditor seem to be assured despite the rush work as the bossman was leading it himself and I am no longer the punching bag, keeping quiet and contributing when needed.

Friday was tough as my major project was going live with the creation of the first purchase orders although it was a manual task, several systems had to be set up correctly for everything to work. The order for US shipments was created and the next step is for the support team in India to run a script to update the order number. The order for Mexico still has to be created so the team has to complete all these tasks on Monday. During this go live, I had to scramble and resolve issues as they came up, missing set-ups where I had to ping several people in different departments for the required data.

Completing the audit requirements as well as supporting the project activities on the same day was nerve-racking. Happily, both the meeting with the auditor and the order creation went ahead with good results though work is still needed for both in the coming days. I again felt sorry for myself for being in this situation where I had to create the document which was really the job of my boss. The support activity in the major project should actually be done by a functional analyst instead of the project manager. 

This is the dilemma that I find myself wherein I doubt if I am doing the right thing, doing the work instead of having someone work on these tasks. I have skills in both project management and functional analysis that I swerve from one role to the other, often at the expense of the other. It's a balancing act but this is the way I have been working successfully for several years. The other week, I got good feedback from my peers and my boss was glad that I achieved recognition for my work so I think I am doing things right.

Immersive Van Goh

The journey to Charlotte North Carolina took less than 2 hours with stretches of slow driving to due to road construction near the state line. The day was cool and the drive was pleasant. We filled the car with gas which went down slightly to $ 2.99 per gallon. We had planned to go to the exhibit in October but the show was extended all the way to January. This weekend trips to Charlotte or any big city are always welcome like a pressure valve has been opened to release steam from the week-long struggle with small minds which is the bane in small rural cities.

We have not been hiking as much as last year so I missed these weekend activities that relieve the mind. My back yard faces a forest and the fall colors are a welcome relief every day but not enough. I was hoping the exhibit would take my mind out of its usual rumination that turns destructive if I am not careful. Thoughts go into a wicked pattern of seeing distrust, envy, and paranoia in the office which poisons one's outlook and loss of innocence at the moment. People are straightforward and open though admittedly not the sharpest tool in the shed which is normal in this field of the high-tech supply chain.

Van Goh has had his episodes of madness, cutting off his ear to spite a fellow artist. Genius is often afflicted with mental strain despite his closeness to nature as seen in his paintings of sunflowers, irises, farmlands, the mountain, and the evening sky. His story is also about his struggle to express his artistic vision amidst a populace that thinks he is off his rocker. However, the world today sees his painting as works of extraordinary originality and genius. The immersive show is like a peek into his mind as he strove to live his life as an artist.

Nowadays, in today's hyper materialistic age, people express their individuality by buying stuff, living in large houses and, in a way, living in a dream world. Purchasing on the internet is so easy and ownership of these assets makes one feel successful, without the hardship that one should endeavor such as by artists like Van Goh.  After returning from Charlotte, with a side trip to Ikea, I watched the excellent movie "Another Round", a story of middle age teachers who try to rise above their mediocrity by getting drunk. In the end, their alcoholic binge does help them rise above their situation after tragedy and painful repercussions.

Living in Fantasy

 At dinner last night at a friend's huge house, a product of the recent surge in home prices plus a tinge of  FOMO - fear of losing out.  Living in a large house has never appealed to me mainly because of the time spent in maintenance, large electrical bills, taxes, and whatnot. As an investment, it does not make sense too once you include expenses and taxes despite the low-interest-rate environment. The only way to earn money is if the prices keep rising at a significant pace. I am skeptical that the situation continues to happen though there are viewpoints on the eighter side; bubble territory vs. lack of supply versus increasing demand. I am on the side that the rising prices don't make sense and are driven by websites like Zillow and corporate entities buying houses; meaning an artificial event.

If large corporations are indeed buying these houses explain the run-up of prices, will rental income keep them in the game.? Zillow has already closed its home-buying business. Nevertheless, a large expensive house does make you feel successful, even if your lifestyle is funded by 401k, pushing the day of reckoning in the future; a tragedy that plays out every day in America. Mastering the borrowing game can sustain you for several years until it no longer does. To cope with this envy, one imagines his own house perhaps smaller but up in the mountains, with the splendor of mountain views. This is sometimes the only way to avoid the green-eyed monster is to live in your own fantasy world to combat the other fantasy world of pretension. 

 

On Getting Old

Last week I needed to write an email in reply to Miss High and Mighty and respond to her silly email.  I also planned to work on a document that I needed to submit to her audit. I have done this sort of thing many times at work; quick and smart answers to silly questions and rushing off to finish a technical document. But I hesitated, bored in doing this sort of stuff again and again. 

Initially, I felt anxious for not getting to work, procrastinating, but I had other more important things to do and the multiple workloads froze my brain into inaction. In the past these emails would sweep me into a fervor of anger, to show them my quick intelligence by writing a blistering response. But I realize later that I felt old for this game, something that I person my age would have felt beneath his dignity. But I find myself stuck in this sort of limbo where I still work with these jokers who think they are all mighty.

This brings to mind the thought that maybe I should finally think of retirement. My father retired at about my age today, where he started a trucking business or an import and export business which all failed despite buying several gadgets but never making a lot of money. These business failures made him delve into real estate in Los Angeles which also did not prosper as he spent time in Las Vegas trying to earn money by gambling. 

He tried other ventures until age caught up and all he had was his golf though he continued to dabble in entrepreneurship by delving into custom-fitting golf clubs. At least he tried something; looking for ways to capitalize on being a salesman. On the other hand, I do not have his salesman's drive to go out in the road in search of fortune. I am a homebody and may end up like him despite some dreams of mine to be a writer or internet entrepreneur. I also play golf but not as good as he was and without the same fervor.

Did some idiotic person in the office drive him away? Perhaps it was a missed promotion or his career had stalled like mine. I continue to work in some limbo but I am doing good, gaining some of my old mojos back and doing project management work. However, Miss High and Mighty comes along and disrupts my tempo and I am no longer the young lighting that would have responded back in kind.

Audit BS

Yesterday I responded to a BS email from a European auditor who is a pain in the ass. The comment criticized my work as if I did not devote time and effort. I admit it was not my best output but the work was what could be produced with my workload. The email upset me as I took it personally which is my Achilles heel that results in anxiety and stress. A balanced temperament is what I should work on; to chill out and take things in stride.

I responded back to her giving a cc: copy to our overall boss who had sent me a message to reply back to the auditor. Apparently, miss uppity BS was giving her a story that I have not done anything though I did provide a draft as well as met with her many times and my immediate supervisors to discuss the deliverables. Her email pissed me off and discouraged me from working which is not what a caring colleague would do to motivate her fellow workers.  

My reply thanked her for her BS comments and I explained this was only a draft since we still have several weeks to work on the final report. I do not need these silly episodes with the labor I am doing on my major project which requires me to play several roles. I carry a big burden where I work with several teams in India, Europe, and the USA. Alas, this is is the tragedy or comedy one faces at work with episodes of exhilaration and trivial pettiness. It is the triviality and silliness in the office that will get you in the end if you don't have a sense of humor and detachment.

Getting Back to Work

 I did not go to the office this week. I try to go every Tuesday and Thursday but recently I go only once or not at all depending on work for the day. Initially, I wanted to be at the office most of the time, to try to get back to normal. However, the office is nearly empty with few people to talk to. This feeling of wanting to be in the office all the time is a remnant of fear and anxiety of not meeting company expectations. But covid pandemic allowed us to work from home so adjusting to homework was good but I wanted to go back to the office as soon as possible.

However, being in the office did not alleviate my old fear since no one really cares whether you are in the office or not. So I try to go less and less especially if I have a large load for the day and avoiding travel time and social interaction at the office makes me more productive. The idea was to work in collaboration rooms where squad members work together on a common problem. But the agile experiment does not work for our squad. So most of the talk is silly banter as we are working on separate tasks or projects so we end up getting agitated listening to the conversation of the other squad members attending meetings as they participate in remote sessions, their voice disturbing our concentration.

Several good outcomes last week meeting with our partners for a major project involving exports from Asia. The project is moving along despite the problems and potholes ahead. It will a bumpy ride. My boss assigned me to a blockchain project and interesting to learn new things. In our last frequent feedback session, he asked me what I liked to do and I preferred project work instead of squad work. He said he will pull me out of the squad so I can work independently with different projects.

I fulfill many roles in a project not only as a project manager or coordinator but also as a functional analyst. I like doing the extra effort despite the heavy burden but I have been an FA before so I know the subject matter. It is much better to be a generalist and do more things than being a specialist which requires constant interaction with other people who you have to manage, convince and coach. I like working with people but often time working solo is much more efficient.