Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Free Day

I woke up early today but did not go to the gym as I usually do in the early morning, instead going to work early to complete my personal assessment, meeting the boss man at 10 am but only to find out that he was not around and getting a request to re-schedule our meeting to tomorrow afternoon. The change relieved some pressure as I can take the whole day to prepare.  I did not get a good sleep last night, shifting my position to the other side of the bed at around midnight, thinking about this meeting in the dark but getting some sleep in the early hours before dawn. I was thinking about this encounter the whole weekend, apportioning some time to do some work, but neglected, due to a visit to Musgrave Mill Park on Saturday afternoon, where a lecture on the revolutionary war was taking place. The rest of the time was spent watching DVDs particularly 2 DVDs borrowed from the shopping center on the way back from the park. Sunday was no better with the arrival of the pergola I ordered and consumed most of the afternoon until the evening with my wife and son helping me set-up the structure. But the real issue is the self-destructive urge to keep borrowing DVDs, books and magazines that sabotages any free time in the weekend.

My mind was focused on the seeming threat posed by the boss man, driven by the grilling during the Friday meeting, and some emails which my mind interpreted as hostile to my career, seeing ghosts of the past, of evil bosses scheming to get me fired, the mind going in overdrive while seeing all sorts of demons hiding in the shadows. Nevertheless, my outward demeanor may be calm, reading books and watching DVDs, without a seeming care in the world. The good thing is that my back yard project is nearly done, the tiles lain out and the pergola erected in the patio. The stress of setting up the structure, the pressure at work and other things like planning a picnic all seemed like a burden to me, like making too many decisions, like biting off more than one can chew, all caused stress, though self-inflicted. Sometimes it seems that I am over reaching though I now realize that I can ask help, instead of carrying the whole weight on one’s shoulders. I am picking up the noise and not the signal, as Nate Silver would say, to the detriment of my mental well-being, perhaps not performing the Bayesian method of probability (or perhaps doing so without my conscious awareness) which is like cognitive therapy performed statistically.

I finished reading Nate Silver’s book and Jim Rogers’s elegant tome for his daughters on life and investment, skimming through the illustrated biography of George Washington (‘The Indispensable Man’) and another one about America’s engagement in the Middle East. Last week was hectic especially the personal problems I had to address back home, calling Manila to talk to by brother and sister to discuss and advice on our parent’s care. It is not a good thing to be away while one’s parents grow old, not being able to help in their advanced years except to provide money and guidance. Perhaps this is the true stress that is weighing me down, lurking at the back of my mind, adding to my mental strain. Last night, after dinner, I sat outside in the patio, enjoying the cool air and the sound of the cicadas, the other insects in the trees making their noise, just listening to the hum of the forest and looking up to the sky. The effect was calming, though brief as I left to go upstairs and prepare for the next day, apprehensive of the coming meeting that never came.

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