Wrong Focus

When I speak in front of a group, I always focus on my diction and delivery. I get tangled in knots trying to get these aspects right. I focus on the form rather than on the substance. I get stuck up on the appearances rather than the substance of the speaker. The other day, an old friend of mine delivered a 2 hour presentation. It was probably longer than anything I have ever done. Perhaps from a form or appearance perspective it was something that could be improved a lot. But the audience liked it because the effort was sincere and, therefore, effective.


This is where one gets into a trap where one focuses on the outward appearances than in the inner values. For example, in the past before joining Toastmaster, I had focused on the message and did all I can to stay on the message and deliver it without drifting. For me, straying from the message always results in mental confusion especially when standing in front of an audience. So staying focused on the message results in a wooden performance without warmth or spontaneity. It lacks the sincerity that one would normally exhibit when one is just being himself when delivering the presentation. Of course, sincerity never really trumps appearance as form does matter.


The quality to develop is confidence. When one is confident in public speaking, then sincerity, warmth, appearance and spontaneity will come out naturally. This is the goal of public speaking courses like Toastmasters. The danger is that one would have a wrong focus on appearances or forms rather than substance. It’s a way to maintain some sort of confidence by sticking to formula instead of improvising and responding to the audience. Without being spontaneous or receptive or sensitive to the audience one will not be able to connect to his listeners. This is the quality that one is missing if one focuses on the wrong quality.

So how does one maintain confidence? The first step is controlling one’s thoughts. Agitated thoughts bring fear and anxiety and result in lost of confidence. One has agitated thoughts because he fears his audience, that his speech will fail and his listeners will laugh at him. Perhaps believing in the goodness of other people, in their better natures, will help one overcome his fear. His faith on people will allow him to make mistakes as the audience will still accept him as long as he prepares his presentation with good effort. In other words, showing one’s human side will relax the audience and bring confidence to the speaker. He does not need to be an ‘on-the-message’ robot but a warm individual who is doing a presentation with honest effort.

So how does one get confidence? The best answer is thru practice. By committed practice, one gets the expertise to develop the needed confidence. But committed practice should focus on the substance not on the form. The form and appearances will come about as well but the focus should be on developing the inner substance. This will result in a relaxed attitude that will allow one to connect to the audience. It will remove the petty thoughts that agitate that mind and cause fear and anxiety. Knowing the subject of the speech from the inside out is also an important part. Hence, confidence and being a subject matter expert is the substance that one should develop.

Vision for Philippine Novels

I have been reading the group emails from my old fraternity mates in college. There is an active exchange between alumni and current members. It’s funny to see the photos of these frat boys, me included, as they age through the years. They were preparing a collage of old photos which showed them in their college years. It’s for the souvenir program for the coming fraternity dinner and dance ball. We all looked so young then; thin, good natured, smiling without a care in the world. But the new photos now show men who are overweight, old but still with the smile of youth when the old frat boys meet together.

Most of the mails are about the Philippine condition. Most of the boys including me had nationalistic dreams back then. It was the image and heritage of the great campus that had nurtured past political figures; famous in local history. But I guess the times did not provide the opportunity to work on historical values and nationalistic urges. Instead most of the folks went out of the country to greener pastures. So most mails reminiscence about the past, post photos of drinking sessions and recent reunions with fraternity brothers. But the old feelings of nationalism are still there and one mail commented that the situation has not changed since Jose Rizal wrote about the Philippine condition in his 2 novels during the 19th century.



It’s true as no other novel seemed to have captured the imagination of the country since his death. It is like the country has been mired into decline after the revolution. Of course, it’s not true because the country has moved forward since then, achieving a lot of progress. But the pure feeling of love of country has not been aroused since that period of revolution. There were some episodes of minor resurgence but not enough to make a people proud or inspire a new generation of leaders. So people escape the country or join the New People’s army. I think it’s because there has not been a novel that can inspire the Filipino imagination.

The written word has been supplanted by Philippine cinema without achieving the proper maturity. Philippine cinema to me is the best in South East Asia in terms of maturity, imagination and brilliance. But the film medium remains the venue of escapist entertainments except for the rare films of the late Lino Brocka or Peque Gallaga. But film has a fleeting quality that does not have the permanence of the written word. I think there is a lack of good books that can portray the existing conditions. Compare this to the renaissance of Indian letters in English in the recent years. There are so many good Indian authors that are vibrant and creative but there is no Filipino equivalent.

It seems that the Philippine literary scene has remained stuck in 19th century conventions. There were experiments in magically realism, for example but it does not seem to have any substance. On the other hand, Philippine cinema seems to have gotten some recognition in recent years but not enough to fuel a renaissance. I think the country needs a voice in literature that could inspire the old feeling of nationalism in old fraternity brothers as well as the youth of the nation. But that is a long way from the winter of the Carolinas. Articulating that vision requires hard work and a clear goal to be achieved.

Growing the Mind

‘He’s really a big baby, despite nearing middle-age,’ complained the wife. Usually this means the partner scattering his clothes everywhere, or watching too much cartoons or overindulging in candy or food. Or maybe the husband or partner is spending too much time with his friends for fun and drinks.

‘She still thinks she’s the prom queen, still a regular princess,’ said the husband. Perhaps this means that the partner always likes to be the center of attention despite having 5 kids, for example. Normally the attention would shift to the kids instead of the parents. I don’t know if this makes any sense.


One hears these comments a lot when one complains of the maturity of the other partner, usually in a marriage or a long-term relationship. The main complaint is that the person should grow up and be more mature.

Even the president has said something to that effect in his inaugural address. Quoting the Bible he said that the ‘time for childish things are past.’ One guesses that the president is referring to the ‘childish’ politicking and divisiveness in the legislative branch. Gridlock would disappear in the capital once the members of congress or senate or perhaps the media ‘grows up’. Maybe the president is the only mature grown up in the political sphere it would seem.


Does the mind ever reach maturity? Or what is the thinking mechanism in a person wherein maturity is achieved? For instance, the aging body is clearly evident. What about the mind? I guess it refers to the physical decline, a loss of memory, distraction and being easily tired. But maturity really refers to an ethereal quality. Maturity is something that has no biological bearing. Or perhaps when the biological decline of aging affects the mind then one begins to be mature. Perhaps immaturity is that state where hormones are still raging until a balance is achieved with age. Think Bill Clinton and his supposedly insatiable appetite. Once the libido decreases with the onset of advanced age, will maturity and self-discipline finally arrive?

I guess one can make a conscious effort towards self-discipline in order to control certain immature urges. Does this mean that one should ‘educate’ the mind by telling himself what is the right conduct? I guess religion plays a part with regards to morality but there maybe a danger towards fundamentalism especially for those who need to control strong urges. All these development perhaps refers to the journey to manhood. I have been reading Michael Chabon’s ‘Manhood for Amateurs’ recently. It’s a good book with some good chapters. But it seems to lack a certain level of experience or wisdom. Like his novels, there are exuberant passages of imagination and inventiveness. He seems like a Jewish version of the WASP author John Updike with his literal verbosity and creativeness.

His book is a good story of one’s journey towards manhood. It’s the typical chronicle: adolescent, youth, meet girl, divorce girl, meet another girl, have children, and raise family and so on. The essays general speak of how a person grows up when he starts a family and the challenges he faces. I guess we are all amateurs in manhood until one becomes true grand parents.

Sound Understanding

Making sense of sounds into meaning requires a different mental effort as compared to reading. Out of sounds, the mind tries to assemble the pieces and make sense of what is being said. The main challenge is that the sounds are often fleeting. One can always re-read the printed page as many times as he or she wants but one cannot ask the speaker to repeat as many times as one wants. Replaying the passages in the audio book may not really allow one to absorb as readily as one would want. Oftentimes, writing down notes or making a visual picture ala mind maps will aid in understanding a spoken lecture, for example. But the result is the same; making a visual record by putting pen to paper or typing into a computer screen.

People who are readers are often not good listeners. The problem starts when one needs to understand different voice inflections or accents or changes in tone to appreciate what is truly being communicated. The spoken word may change with the way one says it. So one can be sarcastic or ironic or serious or flippant but with the same passage of text. This variation in sound reveals the true intention of the speaker. There is no such discrepancy in the printed page. One can miss the point more with the spoken word. Some people are often called dyslexic if they fail to notice the nuances in the spoken word. The mental mechanism to transform sound may not be working as well as the mechanism for reading; i.e. the transformation of visual signs into meaning.


So developing one’s comprehension and cognitive abilities via listening is a challenge to some who are not used to this mode. I guess listening and speaking is an entirely new level for readers or writers. I guess this is the point of Toastmasters. But it is not only the improvement of public speaking that one improves but also listening and critical thinking skills when one does speech evaluation. Another benefit is the social interactions and networking that occur during the meetings. In this situation, visual cues and speech and sound processing is merged. It’s like watching a movie where the all main senses are engaged. But one needs to react and respond to the visual and sound stimulus. Awkwardness in responding to cues in the social situation makes one seem shy or an idiot. In fact it only takes practice.



Speaking with office mates when one has just recently moved from Asia is one such challenge. Understanding meaning in everyday interactions may come as a challenge. Perhaps it is the challenge of adapting to a different culture. But oftentimes it now seems like a global culture with English as the main language. But it’s different because the social backgrounds and frame of reference are different. Seeking common ground and compromise is perhaps the art of democracy and the key to achieving social cohesion from diverse cultures. Perhaps watching television or movies is a short cut to achieving this equilibrium. Frequent exposures to different cultures maybe a good thing as well.

Yesterday was the Super Bowl and I went to my friends house to watch the game. The New Orleans Saints won against Indiana Colts. Two couples joined us. Basically it was Americans with Filipino wives. It was an interesting mix because of the internationality of the gathering. For example, one couple worked for 8 years in Japan, while the other has lived in places like Singapore, Philippines, USA and France. I lived in Singapore as well for the past 7 years and lived in the Philippines before that. So it was a crowd that has seen the world and lived in different cultures. We all came together to watch the football event that seems to unite the whole country for a single night.

Winter Weather

It is the most unique and strange winter this year most people would say. Nearby ski resorts claim that it’s the best time to ski as they have the best snow in 20 years.

‘The snow is different here than in Colorado,’ said a Charlotte lady on the phone who moved here recently. She did not like the local weather because of the recent rain.

I never met her in person but she had a delightful voice. All the ladies in the South have a very seductive, sweet little girl voice that’s hard to resist. I wonder how these ladies can have that distinctive and sweet tilt like one of those little damsels in a Walt Disney movie. No matter the shape or size, ethnicity or age, the sweet girl voice is almost always there.


‘The snow here is more frozen, more sleet than snow,’ said my colleague. He stands about six feet four inches in height.

‘Up north snow is fluffier. I could shovel about 4 feet of this fluffy snow and won’t feel tired at all. But I could break my back shoveling 2 inches of this cold hard snow,’ he said.

The rain continued to fall on the cars parked in the office lot. I could see the parking lot from where I sit. My cubicle was near a glass wall where one has a wonderful view of the wide parking spaces. It was a gloomy day with dark clouds covering the sky.

Last week it snowed in the weekend. Not much snow expected this week except winter rain. The Super Bowl is scheduled on Sunday afternoon and one wonders how that event will turn out. We will be visiting friends during the Super Bowl. Barbecue, spaghetti with white sauce and maybe beer is the expected menu. I wonder what else to bring. I never watched the Super Bowl and my kids may get bored if they don’t have a chance to play video games.


‘I have had enough of this snow,’ an old colleague said. He was speaking with his wife on the phone. I could hear his conversation from my cubicle. He lives near the fools hills of the Blue Ridge Mountains. They have snow almost every day as compared to the cities here in the upstate.

‘Florida is looking real good,’ said an old lady interviewed in television last night. She lived in one of the mountain cities. Scenes of snow falling on the street, cars driving through the white slush, people pushing shopping carts under falling snow, old folks interviewed in their jackets and hood; these were the scenes in the news show.

‘I love to ski,’ said a young man. ‘I like to snow board. Just bring it on.’ He looked ready to head to the ski slopes. But the old folks did not like the snow. They lamented on the bad weather, not exactly the wonderful fluffy snow that you can build a nice friendly snow man. It was the hard rain, sleet or hail that fell.

The rain would freeze on the road making it dangerous to drive. You would not see the ice on the surface until your car skidded off the road or worse, hit another car. You need to practice driving on the snow or ice to get the hang of it. You cannot get the winter driving skills by reading or hearing about it. One must experience it. Look for an empty parking lot filled with snow and try to drive around. Don’t always press on your brakes, he said.

No more chance now as only rain fell from the skies.

On Paranoia

Yesterday I had a short meeting with my boss because my efficiency rate for the previous month was below par. It was a civil discussion and I admitted that I needed to do some improvements. I think it also raised my point that I am open to new work or project. But I realized I made a mistake in my time sheet entries last month although I thought that it was a subconscious urge to make my desire known of my availability for other projects. Normally this episode would have made me anxious and tense if I were in Asia. But I did not feel the usual stress because the environment here is much more open and supportive. Back stabbing is not a good office behavior.

On the other hand I did wake up early in the morning at about 2 am and had an anxiety attack. Nervous thoughts filled the mind with all sorts of perceived connections. I recognize that the mind attributed the meeting with real or imagined procrastinations at work. Things like excessive Internet surfing or just staying in my cube without speaking to neighbors or perhaps working on personal stuff instead of actual work. It all came to fore as the real reason behind the meeting. It’s the old cognitive mistake; of the mind making an attribution error. But my readings of cognitive behavior therapy came to the rescue and my mind started to discount these attribution errors.


I struggled in the dark to calm my mind by trying to meditate, by counting my breath. It was more difficult now than ever before. It was difficult to bring my mind away from anxious thoughts and focus on my breath. My wife could not sleep as well and I had frequent trips to the toilet. All these events foretell an uneasy and sleepless night. But later on I was able to quiet my mind by counting my breath and I was able to drift to sleep. I realize that I needed to change my work behavior and I had crossed a threshold in my new work place. The honey moon is over and I need to get serious. Eventually I drifted to sleep although my wife went to another room to get a more fitful sleep. I think I started to snore by this time.

Perhaps triggering my paranoia is the coming changes in my workplace. Or at least the perceived changes that I think are coming. There are new people around and I think personnel in the project maybe changed. So it is part of my paranoia; driven by perceived changes as well as my awful work habits. At least I woke up early and I left for work before 8am. Usually I am late but I had a chance to be early today. Coming to work early is the first step for a change in work habits. Being up front with my office mates is also a required behavior. Being able to communicate and speak socially with your mates is important to survive here at work. A lone ranger, genius type arrogance is not popular here.


Behavioral and perceptual improvements are also needed in national politics. Watching Barack Obama in his recent state of the union address, meeting with both Republicans and Democrats I think foretell a required change as well. Political transformation seems to be on the air and Bill Clinton type adaptability and political maneuvering maybe needed in order to survive. I think there is too much emphasis on Obama’s leadership role to initiate change instead of a need for back room compromising and deft moves to push the process forward. Sometimes I think my fortunes also depend on Obama’s success because of the spirit of openness and change that he engendered with his election. His victory seems to have brought some openness and tolerance and diversity to all areas of society like my work place. I think some push back may occur if he fails.

Writing Therapy

I started to write in my youth mainly due to a psychological urge. It was an urge to settle thoughts, de-stress and achieve some sort of psychological benefit. Numerous articles state that writing provides psychological benefits like reduce stress and strengthen immune systems. I had stumbled into this avenue because I felt early on the advantage it gave to my mental and emotional state. I guess it was also an outcrop of my reading as I love to read. So I guess it was a love for words that drove me to write; the love of a perfect sentence or paragraph and the ability to achieve that perfection.

But since it was due to the psychological benefit, the main subject was me although some passages would contain ideas, concepts and observations. But it revolved on my experiences and the writing that came out to achieve some psychosomatic profit. So there was really no real formality in creating a writing career or a real discipline. Just some romantic notion to be a writer derived from reading Hemingway and fed by introspective and self-centered journal reflections. So journal writing had proceeded not as a writing exercise (which later become one via blogging) but as therapy.



Recent events seem to have changed this natural urge. Firstly, the move to a more stable and perhaps less stressful environment, completing about 34 years of journal writing, 3 years of blogging experience and reaching the age of 46 have resulted in a psychological stability or equilibrium. Perhaps one has reached an age where being self-centered no longer matters. Of perhaps the realization of one’s mortality and the stability of thinking which age and experience can bring. Hence, if the original urge to write is gone, one now moves towards a new goal of writing. Not exclusively to fulfill a psychological urge but to be a real writer for monetary end.

I guess now is the chance to look back and analyze the situation. Some books say that one should know how one learns. Based on experience, I learn via sight or via symbolic or abstract language through reading and writing. Now I am moving towards a method of learning via sound or by listening to audio books and by speaking via Toastmaster. It’s not my natural learning method but I think I need to progress here to be a better writer. Some writers say that one should read literary works, to know intimately the sounds, cadences and rhythms of speech in prose and poetry. Some writers achieve a lyrical quality in their language; writers like Walt Whitman, Dylan Thomas and Ernest Hemingway come to mind.



An important ingredient to being a writer is not actually the writing experience but the reading experience. The question now is that instead of reading one is listening to an audio book. So one is moving away from the sense of sight learning (via reading and writing) and towards the sense of sound (via listening and speaking). Different parts of the brain are engaged and involve other parties (i.e. the speaker and audience) so it’s no longer a solitary experience but one where one is engaged with another. Also, writing a blog is no longer an introspective act but towards a public audience.

Other new developments are also significant such as writing tools like Novel Writer and yWriter. Also new technology like Dragon Speaking that can translate your dictation to text. All these developments are positive and can help one become a better writer. But the key in using these tools is to move away from the natural urge to achieve psychological gain and to write away from one’s self centeredness using techniques like clustering, the snowflake method, dictation and yWriter (by writing scenes). This requires the removal from one’s psychological need towards the childish, self obsession of journal writing. It’s the direction one must go in order to fashion a writing discipline.

Deconstruction

I watched a documentary on philosopher Jacques Derrida, author of the deconstruction philosophy. An interesting person though sometimes reading this type of work gives me a headache. He is a controversial figure based on the material in Wikipedia. But there are other articles that praise him. Looking at his performance in the documentary, one would think there is a misunderstanding on his work. Otherwise, controversy possible due to professional competition. His reputation is such that he is considered one of more significant philosophers of this century. The French are keen on intellectual rigor and are famous for their logic and cool demeanor. But sometimes these modes of thought are not applicable in everyday life. One would prefer to have a practical state of mind than a philosophical one.



Despite the difficulty in reading such works, there are often passages that strike you with insight and impact. One wonders why the French have a considerable number of philosophers. Learning about these theories is sure to give one a headache. I guess these ideas make sense and the rigor and logic is present but one wonders if they have any meaning or relevance in the everyday life. What attracted me to this film? I guess I have heard of this new theory and one could not help but think that deconstruction does impact colonial histories where history is written by the occupying country rather than the native people. So it is an interesting concept that can be applied to the colonial Asian experience. Former bandits can now be called heroes, for example.



It snowed during the weekend and most people did not travel out of their homes due to the ice that formed over the snow. Most new shows advised people to stay home at least until Sunday afternoon when the snow and ice would have melted. But it would have been different out in the mountains where some mountain cities had 11 inches of snow. I woke up early on Saturday morning and walked to the nearby park, looking at the snow covered sidewalks and streets. It’s a nice time to exercise and walk around after a snow fall. It snowed again in the early evening though some claim that it’s sleet or frozen rain. I borrowed 8 films last week and I was able to watch about 6 movies during the weekend. I guess this becomes routine for me now: watch movies in the weekend back to back while drinking beer or scotch.

The weekend was a good example of procrastination and distraction from one’s main goal. The weekend was not a complete loss though. I cooked breakfast and dinner as my wife was not feeling well. I am starting to like cooking and this skill is good for me. I cooked fried rice; made with onions, ham, garlic, scrambled eggs and rice. I also cooked picadillo; made with ground pork meat, potatoes, carrots, onions, garlic, chicken broth, and tomatoes. So it was a productive weekend in the sense that I helped in the household chores. I also took a couple of video clips of my youngest son playing soccer as he will send it to a university coach. The only thing I did not do was writing. Sometimes I do not see the consequence of my actions which result in affecting my true goals. For instance, borrowing in the library affects my weekend time to write. Or is it because I have no structure or writing method yet.