Aging with Grace

Last week, my boss helped me by telling me what to post in a group chat with the director; he often posts his own comments in a three-way conversation where the director thinks he is conversing with 3 people but in fact in most instances with my boss, since some of my comments came from him. I pause when I post, thinking about how I should state things since recently I've been criticised for some of my commentary. I do agree that I post aggressive statements to provoke people I communicate with.

But sometimes I wonder if the way I speak is not appropriate. I notice that I jump to certain conclusions without the proper build-up that would ease the transition to my conclusion, to give the listeners time to understand how I reached that conclusion. I am an instinctive thinker, and I speak from my gut instead of building a logical argument that would explain the reasoning behind my statements. I also speak too fast as if to show that I discovered the 'truth' before anyone. 

I wonder if it's a sign of cognitive defect or the reverse: speed of thought, as my mind is always thinking, looking at all the angles. I do notice that people are slow in thinking, which is a conceit when in fact this is the right tempo to let the group slowly understand the subject being discussed and allow everyone in the group to reach a common realization. Of course, each will have their own reaction and conclusion, but with the same understanding of the facts.

I am working with new people that I've met only a year or so ago, in a new assignment and with different circumstances that before were where I'd work with my former colleagues for several decades in the same department. The newness of the situation kept the mind alert, to understand the new social norms, way of speaking and working, especially with a much younger than me. I have to pay attention to what I say and do, as the young folks don't share the same views as a much older person.

Recently, a former colleague retired, and like me, has been in the company for 3 decades, and I felt sad that she left, as we worked together for several years before I transferred to another department. This move has been very fortunate, and I thank the stars for my luck to come into a new environment and meet new people. It does bring more pressure, but I have been moving around a lot in my career, so I enjoy the journey and have done this transformation many times.

I do have to pay attention to social cues and norms, and Toastmasters has helped me navigate this voyage as well as improve my speaking and leadership skills. I do fret that age will affect my cognition, that the episode with my boss is a sign of some decline. But it is my overthinking that is causing all these instead of just moving forward and just doing it. There will be stumbles and mistakes, but that should be taken as a normal occurrence, and one should be humble and keep one's composure.

Watching Old Movies

I watched Robert Mitchum in the film 'Friends of Eddie Coyle'. His portrayal of a tragic, middle-aged low-level hood trying to make ends meet,  lost in the machinations of the mob and law, and ended up dead as the fall-guy; laid low by his boss - playing at a higher level that he was unaware of. Mitchum was an actor that I admired in my youth and looking at his portrayal at the age of around 56 in a good film by Peter Yates recalled all his great qualities as an actor especially in the film 'Yakuza' possible the best film on that genre.

It felt strange seeing him in that role at my age about 4 years older than Mitchum when he made the film. I am that middle-age person he is portraying, trying to make ends meet in my own work, going to the office and doing my projects and staying relevant. I am good at what I do, having done this work for most of my 30 year career and I identified with the character of Eddie Coyle, not because I am in the same line of work but in the situation of being middle-aged in a harsh world though not in the deadly underworld of the Boston mob.

I watched this movie before but forgot it's intimacy and details and watching the movie at my age; felt different than when I admired Mitchum's work when I was young; watching 'Yakuza' with my father when the movie first came out in the 70's, combining my love of Japan and the action of martial arts and the American cowboy loner fighting against the Yakuza. Japan as a movie locale with a Westerner thriving in that culture such as Sen Connery as James Bond in 'You Only Live Twice'.

Both movies stared heroes of mine growing up and re-watching their movies decades later is poignant because I discovered these movies with my father who also admired both Robert Mitchum and Sean Connery. Connery was much younger when he made 'Your Only Live Twice' and he was a bigger influence to me and a great movie star. 

I watched 'Friends of Eddie Coyle' in a 85 inch screen, the image flashed by a projector, with large speakers providing a soundtract behind me, simulating the feeling of being in a movie house, s I lay on a benie bag looking up at the screen. It was as if I was back in the theathre many years ago watching Mitchum and enjoying his singular performance as an anti-hero; though without the adult understanding of the movie's context.      

Since reaching this age, I can see different angles that I was not aware of when I was younger, having the awareness of an older person, with the benefit of age and wisdom. Eddie Coyle did not have this awareness, caught up in his difficult life of crime and as he faced coming inprisonement. It was Mitchum's performance that was significant; portraying a character hurling towards his end as he enjoyed his beer watching a ball game as his 'friends' prepared to kill him. Perhaps this is a metaphor for the situation I face at work and life in my middle years. 

Saving Me from Myself

Last week, our daily standup on the obso project continued, plus an additional meeting with our European counterparts to find out about the impact on their process. The team is ready to move ahead, but did not know the full picture of the migration. Meeting with our European counterparts revealed the full extent of the work, so further meetings are planned to have the checklist updated. European Lead scheduled a meeting with me next week to go over the new planning.

A gap was discovered in one of our previous rollouts where a file was not being sent, which resulted in customer data not being updated. This was a serious issue that further distracted me as I had to respond to a reply from the squad that would fix this issue, insisting on prioritization. I have to quickly assess the situation and react without necessarily understanding the technical details.  A similar situation exists in the obso project, as knowledge of firewalls, virtual IP addresses, Linux machines, and high availability environments is required.

I met with another team with regards to the business continuity plan, where an exercise was postponed last week due to bad planning and the unpreparedness of the testing team. A portion of the cancellation can be laid at my doorstep as I was also scrambling due to the other projects that I was working on. Since I was working over and beyond my role, I lost focus on the other project that I was managing, especially the business continuity.

Two other projects required my attention as well. One project about export started badly with a conflict with the business leader has turned out better with a planning event scheduled in May. The other project with European participation on the production application has turned nasty, with the European team requesting that I turn over my responsibility to the European side. I had a good meeting with the deployment manager, and she was very kind and accommodating. Unfortunately, the good feeling did not last till the afternoon after her meeting minutes triggered a reaction.

My boss told me not to respond, but I did anyway, which upset him. I said I lost focus with the many other projects I was handling. Instead, I created a group chat as he instructed and engaged with the management team and the architect to get their understanding. I was upset to be 'muzzled', but I realized my boss was just protecting me from my worst instincts. I will know next week the outcome if I will continue in this project.

Nature Stills the Beast

Last week was the retrospective of the failed backup and recovery exercise. I was the center of the issue for almost all of the people in the call, though they were just looking for a scapegoat. The team was never really prepared, and the past session proved it. Most of my colleagues said the team is 'underwater', meaning their workload exceeded their capacity. In fact, I feel that I am underwater in that project as well, so we were all juggling too many tasks simultaneously. Indeed, it was a busy past few weeks, exacerbated by the silliness and turmoil in Washington.

The seemingly confused and incompetent government was a shield for most people in trouble, meaning if the government is not up to the job, just 'winging' then I am not in such bad shape with my own predicament. My other project is led by a brilliant young lady from Europe, but she seems to have their heritage in North Africa. She is highly capable, but she is also over her head, as she likes to do everything herself and does not delegate or work with other people. Seems like the current president thinks he is an expert in economics and trade policy.

A few weeks back, I was informed that I am eligible for early retirement, which my mind is in its overthinking mode, started imagining conspirarcies, that management sees that I am past my prime and too old to handle these difficult projects that I am leading; offering perhaps an easy way out; an off ramp so to speak. But such was not the case when I saw the list of names; prominent management people I looked up to, and I was glad to be in such distinguished company. I was starting to plan my early retirement when I shared this plan with my French friend, who was surprised that I would even think of such a thing.

Hence, my mind went back to normal, realizing the error of its ways in overthinking + a wild imagination that likes to conjure up romantic entanglements and the jealousy that it brings to innocent encounters. Such is the state of an adolescent mind that still thinks about illicit romances through shielded gazes or half smiles that don't mean anything. Meditation stills the mind, and mindfulness allows one to recognize when the brain goes into the rabbit hole, thinking of scenarios that are crazy when viewed in a more sober light.

The weekend started with a great hike in the Jones Gap, climbing up the mountain to see waterfalls, amidst the trees, and the surrounding views of the surrounding mountains. It was a tiring, nearly 5-hour hike that cleansed the mind of its silliness. Nature brings respite, especially with friends, that ends in a good dinner and conversation. Easter Sunday and the Holy Week bring back solemn memories of times past in my youth, with somber parades of piety and people carrying crosses to be nailed to fulfill fantasies of being Christ on the cross.

The next day after the hike, I looked at old pictures from 28 years ago when I went hiking with friends in the mountains of Batangas and Rizal,  camping overnight after the long trek up, swimming in waterfalls and eating and drinking, and going to the beach on the way down. Other pictures of a young family with young kids, riding horses on the trail up Taal volcano. My life in my late 20s was good, with camping trips and road trips with my wife and family, wonderful years before moving to Singapore and later to South Carolina.

Disaster Cometh ?

Last week was eventful and stressful. The project activity scheduled this weekend was canceled and postponed to the fall. I was at the center being the project leader met with several in a room where we traded accusations on who was at fault. I remained calm and responded with several barbs on my own. The meeting ended relatively well and continued via group chat with meeting notes plus my announcement that the event was canceled after meeting the committee. This was welcome news as everyone was relieved. I got a few likes with that post.

I continued to have workshops where the support people did a 'dry run' for the scheduled activity; clearly, they were not ready, especially with the timing where they needed to complete their work in a short window. The support folks are new, having only started this year, and did not have the same experience and knowledge that the previous group that did this activity for several years. The lack of experience, the departure of key leaders involved in the past event, and the removal of a key project role left me holding the bag. Hence, the vultures start circling my corpse.  Is a resurrection possible?

Being a Catholic with a belief in redemption, pain, and suffering, there is a journey to take which requires going through the gauntlet. I have been in this position before and always persevered to the end, like in the 5k races I joined or the mountain hikes, where I crossed the finish line not as the best in class but as a survivor who never gives up. This is not necessarily the experience management would like but often times this work is only done by the stupid idiot or the bull-headed because no one in their right mind would attempt it. Could there be a better way?

Perhaps there is a better way, but under the circumstances of having a new team, of the distractions due to everyday problems, change in the leadership structure, and the departure of key people,; this was the inevitable outcome. Canceling the project was the best action; deciding quickly to avoid a larger cost was my saving grace; making the case for redemption. But should I continue and persevere or just take the money and enjoy my retirement. Last month, I crossed a milestone of serving 3 decades in the company, and last week was awarded an early retirement package giving me an escape hatch. 

This is the situation I find myself in where I have a chance to start my retirement and work on my dreams of being a writer and enjoying life instead of working for a few more years. A new journey of starting anew. Do I have the financial resources to avoid claiming social security early? I believe so but I still have not lost the urge to fight and continue on the struggle which I do enjoy and pursue the pleasure of getting the job done and overcoming obstacles. Starting life anew in retirement may seem to be the hardest choice but perhaps the wisest at this stage of my life.

Nature Works

Last week, there were episodes of stress. One project had a critical go-live this weekend (which ended well), and participants were getting nervous and raising pessimistic scenarios. Another larger project was also going live in the next week where there was risk perceived by the overall manager. He sent an email and organized a daily meeting for next week with top managers. He was right to raise the red flag as I have been left to fend for myself in not the best of circumstances.

I often find myself in this situation where I have to extract myself from difficulties like a hero in a movie. I tend to move forward in a risky environment confident of breaking through with my optimism and drive. Perhaps this attitude seems reckless but like an athlete in a race, one must just prevail against constraints imposed by the body, by the environment, and by other individuals who like to hamper progress. In other words, I treat a project as a mental and physical challenge that needs to be conquered.

Obviously, the hero culture is a remnant of the old ways of working, instead a systemic process should prevail with governance and shared responsibility ensuring a well-measure response without stress or burnout to any individuals. This is the hallmark of a mature and advanced organization. My present workplace is a mix; in transition towards the target workplace and away from the 'Wild West' of the past with a hard-driving hero culture where the fittest survive.

On Friday, the emergency meeting started at 8 am and I prepared a slide to present the situation and delivered a report that explained the situation. In the afternoon, the leader of the support organization called and requested to postpone the disaster exercise which relieved me of the responsibility of the delay and preventing a failed exercise over the weekend. This is the best outcome that one can think of while hopefully, saving me and my reputation, wherein I find myself time and again in this place.

Yesterday we hiked for 4 hours in a state park with cool weather of spring and I enjoyed the trek though my friends were not as physically fit. Similar to the project at the workplace, where I persevere with my stamina despite some momentary setbacks. I loved to hike in the forest which allowed me to restore my equilibrium from the toxic workplace though my mind churned away on thoughts about friends and jealousy and rivalries. But nature does help in claiming the mind and bringing thought back into balance.

The food at the picnic was not great but welcome after the hike as we sat before a small lake under the trees enjoying the scene. We went home afterward, with a short stay at a friend's house to watch the turmoil in the markets due to the tariffs raised a few days again (Liberation Day). I woke up early the next day at 2 am as a database was migrated to a new server and went live without an issue. This outcome was a good start for the coming week as I feel refreshed to face next challenges in the days ahead.

Spring Cometh

Spring is here. Last week the lingering cold of winter remains though spring is around the corner with buds coming out, birds and bees fly about. Time to focus on lawn care by spraying weed killer, scarifying the lawn, and laying out weed and feed granules. I thought about doing all these tasks in one day but realized it's my all or nothing mindset. Instead I cleared out the old pergola, rearranged the furniture and will spray weed later at dusk. I will do the other tasks later in the week.

The week at work had some diffcult meetings where I needed to re-schedule to clear up some concerns though I did not follow the procedure and went about my bullying and authoritarian ways. My boss gave his usula feedback and said I was doing good, being a veteran project manger and giving guidance to the younger people in the team. Of course, I am the oldest person in the department having close to 30 years of service so I am the eldest in the department which makes me feel dated and irrelevant.

He did say that my character fault is being abrasive which is a trait I admit to have, due to my feeling of superiority; not recognizing that people don't have a hyper-active mind like me. Surprise! Yesterday I participated as judge in the TM area contest and the speeches where very good, with a much higher quality of speeches than the usual area contest. It was a challenge to decide on the best when almost all were very good speakers; mostly coming from the same club. I like going to these events and listening to the speeches as judge. Perhaps my abrasiveness  is due people not living to the TM standards.

I spoke to an old friend, an office mate and toastmaster herself, roughly the same age and with similar years of service. We talked about retirement and about the old department where I used to work in together with her and exchanged notes on the leadership who did not treat me well. I was traumatized during that period though I recovered from the ordeal. The transition to my new post had been good though internally I was plaugued by doubt and everytme I have difficult meetings, I have attacks of imposter syndrome.

These episodes of stress are momentary as my meditation and mindfulness practice helped me evolved away from my usual catastrophic mindset which hit the apex in my last department role. Social interactions with my friends who are aware of my difficulties with a younger colleague, also a "friend" have been ackward but I exhibited my best behavior; keeping any anger in check and moving on. But I will never have the same closeness with my clique as our values are not the same. They now seem trivial and foolish with a shallow view of life.

I watched the film 'Siddharta' and listened to the book by Herman Hesse where the film was based, about the awakening of a young Brahmin. It's the type of book that one should read when young or when middle aged, searching for enlightenment in one's remaining years. Hesse was a Nobel awardee and so is Anne Ernaux whose book about a physical affair between an elder writer and a younger man would seem like overly sexual in an earlier time. The contrast between Earnaux and Hesse is stark; as if the world turned into hedonism and pleasure.

I am aware when my mind hits it's day dreaming mode, as if stuck in limbo the way a computer would "hang"; the mind filled with multiple thoughts and tasks. I wonder if this is the result of age; though I do have contradictory impulses or too much tasks like wanting to write a book, go to the gym, learn French and play the ukelele and guitar. The mental lapses is managed with TDSC and TMS devices especially in the afternoon as the mind gets tired and loses attention.

I have been using music and sound therapy, binaural beats and Georgian chants to suppliment my morning meditation. I also juggle and plan to play computer games to keep my cognition sharp. I worry that my mental state will deteriorate faster if I don't continue learning and meditate. This is the challenge of getting old and sometimes spring and summer give hope of renewal. I dreamed recently of being in a war, not with guns or bulletes, but of boundaries with people running in rolling fields and hillsides, protecting their territory with bluster.