Austro Hungarian trip

I leave today for Budapest, where we will stay for 4 days and travel to Vienna for another 4 days. I have been reading books and watching videos of these countries to acquaint myself. I visited Prague 2 years ago, and the coming trip will let me know more about Central and Eastern Europe. My imagination of these countries comes from the spy novels of John Le'Carre and the early Bond films with Sean Connery. But I have also watched the recent films about the Prague Spring and the earlier movie starring Daniel Day-Lewis.

I am reading the book by Korda about the earlier Hungarian revolution in the 1950s, a period I associated with the Kennedy, especially the 1960's after visits to Washington DC and going to the Spy Museum and the holocaust museum, where some camps are located. There are echoes of these events in my recent visits to Boston and the Kennedy Library. It feels like I am finally getting to see the places that my childhood imagination dreamed about, reading historical books on these subjects.

I compare these social upheavals with the EDSA people's revolution in 1986, where I watched firsthand and wrote a paper to get my college degree. These social movements are always led by young people who go to the streets to hanker for a better life. My college years of exploration and growing up amidst the political turmoil of the Marcos years come to my mind after the Aquino assassination. All these memories have been in my mind recently, perhaps due to coming into middle age, and that sentimentality seems more frequent.

I am starting a regular writing habit so I can start working on a memoir where I can express these stories. I start to look back on my life and also seek meaning in the remaining years of my working life. The brain reaches certain stages in a person's life, and I feel a certain slowness which seems to be expected as one comes into their 60s. So I have a strategy using tDSC devices and physical exercises to keep my mind sharp. I do get episodes of doubt and minor confusion when working on a project, where in the past, my actions were instinctive and confident.  

Such is the experience of everyone who grows old, and one needs to be careful into descend into senility, so travel and reading books remain all the more important. Instead of instinctive action and thought, one must now think and follow a working process, using tools like an action register and planners. To use tools like Loop to keep notes and AI tools like NotebookNLM, Gemini, and Chat GPT. It's a godsend that these tools are starting to mature in my old age.   

Bitter Episode

I still get flashes of anger when I recall those events when my supervisor and her boss ganged up on me and wanted to get rid of me, going so far by reporting my so-called lapses to the Vice-President. The fact that my supervisor is my so-called friend make the event more a betrayal and perhaps driven by jealousy. I give excuses for her behavior thinking that her boss who is narcissistic and ambitious despite not having good management abilities to her credit.

I never felt this hatred perhaps driven by pressure from the business but that should not have made them do what they did but instead focused on how I can improve. It was a meeting of fools where everyone was not up to the task; instead looking for a scapegoat and going against the weak link down the totem pole. I survived by calling a representative from personal so she could represent me and provide a balance picture since no one was in my side.

The Vice-President eventually came to my side by assigning me to another department and brought a welcome change to my career as I approach retirement. I ended up in a good team where I could thrive and grow instead of being the that cesspool where people were looking for faults and scapegoats. I remember these moments because I still see my so-called friend (actually my wife's friend) as we see each other socially with my other friends.

I still lurk into this vindictive phase where I look for failures in my former department, trying to prove my story that I was not at fault and the charge against me was malicious. I have been with the company for 30 years and deserved better with more respect. I have let bygones be bygone, conversing with the platform boos whenever I see her, now that she has moved to another post at a higher level, and a new platform manager from Europe has taken over.

The fact is that I went up a rank since my boss report directly to the Vice-President and I feel that the VP is on my side being an enlightened manager when compared to my former supervisor and her boss. My 'friend' still remains in her post and recently her platform has gone through another reorganization which shows the turmoil never ends in their area; with a domain manager missing from work where no one knows what happened to him.

What drives me nuts is that my 'friend' acts like nothing she did was wrong, living life like a princess with delusions or aspirations in her mind; living her life through her daughter. I envy her lack of self-awareness whereas I overthink and drive myself to anxiety and stress. But I am in a better place now, having survived the shameful episode though images of them both shouting at me like 'banshees' though it was more of the platform boss who I see now and again in the corridor and exchange pleasantries.       

I close friend retired recently and I still see hear as we are both members in a civic organization that meets weekly. She also had bad incidents I believe calling the former platform head as being narcissistic. I think she also does not respect our former supervisor who thinks she is a cut above the rest when I believe she was elevated to her position to met diversity requirements. She does have good luck which makes me resent her all the more when I should not. I am in a good place and should be glad of it. 

Remaining bitter and vengeful of past events where I was not respected and was abused (whether imagined or not) is not a good place to be. I cannot remain normal during social gathering when I still remember these events when I should let go (her phrase). I determined that she is not a good person, perhaps with a streak of meanness that she hides under clever remarks and a pretty exterior. She is smart, diligent and competent but there is a snake living inside her soul. 

Retirement Thoughts

I ran or jogged this morning; first thing after getting up. I plan to jog every Friday to Monday for less than 20 minutes. It is an easy task going around the neighborhood block along a very short stretch of a path with tall trees alongside, offering a brief interaction with nature. I read the jogging or running is good for keeping one's cognition especially executive function which I feel I need to preserve as I move into my middle years. This exercise together with other strategies like using tDCS devices and going to the gym and meditation will help me face the challenges at work.

I registered to be a task leader at a volunteer group and be engaged with the community and meet people not form the office. I look for other activities outside work such as Toastmaster and competing in 5 k races to have experiences that fulfill my urge for more variety in my life. I always have this urge to be different by learning new things such as creating AI photos. I am intrigue with all this development in AI that I plan to use these tools and be an expert on them.

After my morning run, I sous-vied sirloin and rib-eye steak and my wife cooked seafood spaghetti, asparagus and tomato salad and sweet potatoes for our Thanksgiving dinner. I watched a documentary on Angela Merkel and another documentary about right wing alternative reality to facts. Merkel is a refreshing glimpse of a good leader amidst the current turmoil in American politics and the confusion of alternate facts that causes anxiety and stress. One does not have a firm grip on reality these days.

 Aside from my jogging, I have made a goal to write a novel or at least to have a daily writing habit such as this blog to keep the dream alive. I have read several books on writing that suggest that one should just write daily even for just 10 to 30 minutes, without though of writing the great American novel and just put thoughts to paper and see what comes out. Good advise to avoid the stress that one gives oneself but also a practice of focus and meditation.

I do not get to do my daily mediation in the morning whenever I run but I listen to Gregorian chant during my jog around the neighborhood and have the same meditative feeling. Keeping one's mental calmness by listening to Gregorian chants is a form of meditation instead of hearing commercial music that agitate the mind and heart. At noon, I swam for 30 minutes, soaked in the hot tub and spent about 10 minutes in the sauna. I will miss the gym and these self-care facilities when I retire and stop my gym membership. 

I plan to continue my daily run and use the community pool to keep healthy but I need to buy an inflatable hot tub so I can continue to enjoy the benefit of soaking in warm water. I already have an infra red sauna blanket for me to sweat in. I also have a Maxi Climber and rowing machine that I use from time to time but will use more when I stop my gym membership when I retire.  I will turn 62 next month and I have more thought of retirement and what I plan to do to keep busy.    

Succumbing to Distractions

I was not able to do any work this afternoon. I did file vacation leave for the afternoon but kept logged in in case some one would ping me. Instead, I laid in bed a few times falling into a nap a few times but mostly scrolling on my smartphone. During this episodes distraction or procrastination, I had decided to strap on a tDCS  on my forehead so that the electricity would focus my mind and allow me to work. But I did not do my own medicine and instead allowed myself to drift.

I did learn how to create an AI photo with  myself and some movie stars after watching a video. I used both chatGPT and Gemini Nano Banana to create these images. I have been attending several AI seminars this week and I have a list of videos of different AI lectures from SnapLogic.  I also attended several seminars from Google and Amazon. AI is the new thing and there is an explosion of content. In fact I have been studying AI for more than a year now, attending Linked-IN seminars several years back.

I find myself more knowledgeable than most people and will strive to be an expert in this field to improve my work. I feel I have to rise above my usual stupor and laziness by jogging this morning for 17 minutes. I plan to jog from Friday to Monday for only a short period while still continuing my regular fitness routine. But the real challenge is to stay out of my mind and to do something; a concrete action so I don't get caught up with my churning mind; lost in thoughts.

Last week, my young colleagues showed me his action register and his ways of working. He is using Excel to track activities similar to what I was doing long ago now that I have shifted to planner. He is more focused to me and the problem is not using the right tools or way of working but of focus and intent. I allow myself to drift and be unfocused most of the time like this afternoon. I have much ambition but I don't have the drive and motivation to just do it without thinking which my young colleague has remind me of. 

Yesterday, I received my new gadget called a Mendi which is a neuro-feedback device to help me focus; a device which cost me about $270. I now have several devices to help me focus: 3 tDCS devices such as LiftID, Brain Simulator, My Brain; PEMF magnetic head device plus my headphones to play Binaural beats or Gregorian chants to help me sleep and focus. My goal is to use the hours after dinner for writing and learning instead of falling a sleep in the coach in the library and wake up at midnight to go back to sleep. 

If I am able to use these hours in the evening, I could use 2 - 3 hours of productive activity. Unfortunately, I have not been able to focus or have the right energy to do proper work so the key is a combination of taking a shower, drinking coffee or team, meditation and using one of my brain devices to get to work. Learning how to focus especially with my middle age years where the mind will naturally drift, is the key challenge. It is the core issue of the monkey mind the continues to bedevil me.   

Using tDCS to Focus

The strategy I chose to get me writing is to use tDCS devices to calm and focus my mind. Research has shown that tDCS can focus attention to the task at hand and a good remedy to still the wandering mind. Exercise also has the affect or improving the mind's focus. This morning I ran a 5 k race at the local zoo, walking and jogging in the cold morning, through beautiful nature with the bright sky amidst trees of Cleveland Park. There was a good crowd of people who joined and with people from office. An old friend confided to me after the race that he is requesting to transfer to another project due to stress in the office.

The run was a welcome relief and I practiced in the past week by going to gym to run for 30 minutes, or walked around the office campus and, yesterday swam for 30 minutes after picking up my race kit. I listened to Gregorian chants while running, which was the same series of chants I listen to in bed when I wake up early in the morning. I need to listen to these chants to calm my mind and get me back to sleep. It was a interesting experience to listen to the chants while running amidst nature in cold weather. I ran with my usual partner and office worker from India.

I need these strategies to keep me focused or to reduce stress, whether tDCS devices or Gregorian chants or morning meditation to keep my mind straight. Otherwise I am reduced to doom scrolling the internet in my phone. I remarked to my old friend, a brilliant young Indian who moved here from Bangalore in the recent years, that the good days are gone. I will miss him especially the moment when I needed his help on software issues. He is fed up with the politics and being thew constant victim of 'escalation' from the new team that took over the support process.

He remarked that there is a lot of stress and turmoil in the office and I agree with him. I have moved to a new department which is much organized and less stressful as compared to my previous role as squad leader and project manager, but new role has the same stress though at a higher level. I still feel sadness and a rising anger whenever I remember those times prior to my move where my superiors where actually idiots who thought they were doing the right thing. If not for my strategies of coping, which included therapy, I would have become bitter and distraught.

Exercise and mediation is not enough to keep me straight so I have included a daily writing habit bolstered by tDCS to keep me focused as I attempt to finally write a book. This writing habit will be my savior and give meaning to my life as I enter my late years. Hopefully the effort will result in a book where I can share my stories and give a voice to a life long lost when I was young. It will be a story about my grandmother, about the war years, and my early youth when Martial Law was proclaimed, when a senator was killed and gave birth to a people's revolution that brought down an aging tyrant.    

   

Townhall Communication Stress

This morning, I attended the company's bi-annual town hall with networking opportunities to meet with my colleagues and exchange pleasantries. I usually get paranoid in these events, seeing people's faces long after the event, with imagined grievances or shortcomings in my part, of missed opportunities to speak and express oneself. Like a politician, I gravitate towards meeting people and having conversations, but in these events, one must control one's natural urges and keep to a short group.

The main speaker provided an excellent analysis of the department's situation and proposed actions, well-prepared and delivered well. The next speaker did not have the same breadth of topic and gravitas, but held her own with an honest appeal to action. Her intent was to tell all those gathered what a good job they had done under her leadership, of course. It was a welcome event, though my usual overthinking got the better of me as I went through my usual thoughts of contempt for those gathered, with imagined slights of not noticing me.

In the evening, while having dinner, I watched the movie 'Touched by Lightning' about President James Garfield and his assassin, who was well played by the actor. His raving mind and psychotic behavior reminded me of myself, especially after meeting many people in public events, as I want to withdraw and be myself to restore my equilibrium. I had lunch after the event and went back to the office to work in the afternoon, where I responded to emails followed worked via group chat.

I am still absorbing yesterday one and one meeting with my boss, where he challenged me to lead and be a dynamic leader instead of being passive, which is my nature. These one-on-one meetings are challenging as my boss gets right to the heart of the matter, of the areas where I need improvement, and says the right words to shame me into action. These are personal and challenging sessions, which I like because I respect my boss, who thinks at a higher level than most people.

I got to both absorb the internal challenge and, in my raw state, attended the public meeting where my mind succumbed to paranoid overthinking, which I managed well by keeping my wits despite the background noise of my monkey mind. Even my friends were not spared from my jealousy and contempt as I had to focus the bringing my thinking out from the gutter. I went to the gym and used the treadmill for 35 minutes, used the steam room, and had a refreshing shower.

The session at the gym was enough to restore me from the stress of today's events and the work back at the office, where even the emails gave me anxiety. I strive to be calm and have an even temperament, but this state is not really possible in the public sphere. I have to isolate myself and exercise to keep me sane. I received the overhead projector that displayed astronomical images like the moon and the night sky, and lay down and looked at the images in the ceiling while listening to the sublime music of Avro Part; an experience close to meditation and relaxation.

Pickleball Delight

For the past weekends, we have been playing pickleball with our friends in a nearby park. Usually in after afternoon on Saturdays or early Sunday mornings. These games usually end with lunch or dinner at our friends' house, where we end up sharing stories and playing Phase 10 or some other card or board games. Pickleball is a very easy game to take up and does not require significant physical exertion, so the games usually end after several changes of partners, with singles, doubles matches occurring multiple times. It is a very pleasant way to spend one's weekend with friends all the way into the evenings.

These weekend get-togethers are a welcome respite for me with the strains at work, with multiple projects that I work on. Currently, my workload is a business continuity project, an export paperwork project, an external app obso project (which is soon ending), and the recent application asset removal project at 4 different sites in the US, Central, and South America. These projects require me to write emails, organize meetings, and have several group chats in the course of planning, organizing the maging these projects to a successful conclusion. 

The work has obligated me to be more efficient and use AI tools like Microsoft Co-Pilot and tools like Loop to keep on top of things and keep me organized. Artificial Intelligence allows us to record meetings and summarize them with notes and next steps, which keeps everyone on track, as well as have tracking sheets (in Loop and Planner) to keep the team moving forward and collaborating effectively. The seamless integration into our daily workplace is impressive, like sliding into the future with these applications embedded in our software.

People don't realize how we have suddenly entered into a new world, like the Trump takeover, that is heralding a change in the way the world works.  I have had a career in the midst of globalization and diversity, riding a wave that allowed me to work in different countries and thrive, and being part of the community where I relocated, whether in Singapore or the United States. This is the old world now, it seems, with hostility to open trade and immigration and a diversified and progressive world.

The government shutdown, the divisiveness in politics and society, and continuing turmoil in Europe with the Ukraine and Russian war, ICE deportations, and National Guard units in cities paint a picture of disorder. Nevertheless, I continue to overthink and do too much, such as buying a Segway scooter, learning pickleball and racketball, running 5k races, borrowing many books, and watching movies when the proper approach is to pull back, meditate, and restore a sense of calm and balance.

But that does not seem to be the way in these times of technological breakthroughs, political upheavals, and change. One must keep moving and understand the new zeitgeist or get pummelled and buried into insignificance. In our storytelling last night with our friends, we were reminiscing about the old times, of moments with old friends in other countries on journeys in the past, of our children growing up, and our generation receding into old age and insignificance. Listening to the NYT interview of Anthony Hopkins talk about his life and book feels like a summing up and reckoning is coming with our life's meaning.