Churning Mind

Last week was another period of incessant thinking. I cancelled the business continuity test as the stakeholder requested to postpone due to another application going live that week. There was just too much downtime during the week. Stopping work at the warehouse for a few hours may impact sales especially with the promotion that is occurring every month. The fact that the economy is showing signed of being affected by the uncertainty in government.  

Such is the underlying situation with the seemingly confusion and turmoil happening at the highest level is causing businesses and ordinary people like me to have anxiety. There is too much happening from the tariff situation, Ukraine war, trade war, labor decline that some pundits are forecasting some dire times ahead. There is no immediate impact in terms of high prices as inflation is being manged by business by absorbing high tariff cost. 

The consequence is the reduction in staff or the pause in investment until more clarity is provided by the government.Contributing to the turmoil are the court cases saying these activities are illegal; from tariff, deportations and firing of government officials. Such as mess that everyone seem to be taking all these events in stride though their mental health may be suffering in the background. This is the situation I find myself reading these news while having challenges at the office.

I know a vacation is needed or at least time off when I feel agitated, where I get anxious meeting my colleagues in the office where I get paranoid unnecessarily seeing a different meaning behind every comments. My boss in our regular one on one meeting was also critical of the outcome of my project where I had to postpone the implementation despite frequent steering committee meeting. The steering committee is meant to provide guidance and approval so these actions that I made are sanctioned by the committee.

On another project that started this year, the other challenge is the priorities and capacity for the work squads who will work on this project. The squad are overloaded and at full capacity that they frankly don't have time to work on my project. I had reached out to the squad leads and product owners and had several meetings to no avail. It's no one's fault that there is a lot of work and my project unfortunately has the lower priority compared with the other project being worked on.

So I had to take the punches and accept the inevitable outcome which is to postpone or re-schedule my project activities until the team have time or at the right moment when stakeholder are okay with the impact to operations. It's been a challenging year for me that I get 'impostor syndrome' ; that I am not good enough or that I am over the hill and should retire. I sometimes regret not accepting the early-retirement package but I am also anxious of running out of money.

I helped my son moved in the townhouse that I had been renting hoping to put more stability in his life with lower rents and a larger place for him to enjoy. I should have asked him to move earlier and I though it was good to have an experience of making it on his own. I have 4 to 5 year lefts of working in the company and I am planning on my retirement or rather my life after retirement. A time where I start something new and have a new vision of myself that is refreshing and vital and meaningful instead of just being a tired old man.    

     

   

Writing Prompts

I woke up from sleep, the room still dark, and had a thought about writing prompts. Recently, I enrolled in a writing course advertised on Facebook that also had a course of writing prompts. This may be the missing piece that will help me get started as a novelist. The course I am taking right now is a series of exercises where I copy passages from famous novels curated by the teacher. Following the experience of writers like Hunter Thompson,  started his career as a writer by copying Ernest Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms. This anecdote is frequently shared on the web.

I have done about seven lessons so far out of a total of twelve lessons email to me. This is an effective way to study the work of these authors, as well as get into a 'writing' habit by typing the work of the greats. The 'teacher' also places his comments on sections of these works to highlight the author's technique. While doing these lessons on a regular basis, you get the understand not only the work you are copying but also get the feel of typing a novel daily. So this is how a writer works by getting in front of the computer or typewriter and banging out a novel.

I have also been reading Peter Elbow's book 'Writing Without Teachers', and I thought this was a method to also use to start a daily writing habit. To make the effort more fruitful, writing prompts would be useful to get the juices going instead of waiting for the mind to have a rhythm of consistent ideas relevant to the plot at hand. I do have a rough draft of a plot of a novel that I am working on that I started to us a tool called Sudowrite, which is an AI-based tool that tries to help would-be authors. At best, the tool is a writing assistant rather than a tool to do the writing for you.

So these have been my attempts to start my writing career with the use of AI tools, but one does not become a writer by having a machine do the work for you. Instead, AI tools can provide writing prompts, perhaps critique the draft and offer suggestions, but not do the actual writing, which AI tools like Sudowrite attempt to do. This seems to be the dilemma of writers at the cusp of the unrelenting wave of artificial intelligence. Other experiments would be to use Gemini, ChatGPT, and tools like Notebok NLM to augment the writing craft of today's writers.;

During my early morning usings in the dark, several ideas for a novel also came up aside from my current idea of hiking with a French colleague:

• driving cross-country with my son from the South to the West Coast to begin his Army tour
• migration for work from Asia to the United States
• Further stories of my French colleagues with their families and animals

During these reveries, I thought about buying a motorcycle so I could roam the local countryside to rest from my writing labors. I used to have a Honda Ruckus and regretted having sold it when the scooter would not start. So my daydreaming started with thoughts about how to better organize my garage so that the new motorcycle would fit in; perhaps by raising the rack to place my 3 bicycles above the ground to make way for the Royal Enfield motorcycle that I planned to buy. As I get into my writing rhythm, churning out novels, motorbiking on the weekends, working on my garden, and having my sons and friends critique my drafts, using writing prompts and live the life of a productive novelist.

Soon I heard my wife's alarm sound, and I had to get up and prepare to work from home. I went to the bathroom to meditate, and I sat on the toilet, listening to binaural beats and the vibrating headpiece around my forehead, and when I finished, I did Tai-Chi to prepare for my day as I watched the thoughts swirl in my head of all the writing progress I would achieve with writing prompts. Now is the time when the actual hard work begins. As a start, I need to organize my work area on my computer and continue my experiments with AI, and create a model to help me with prompts

Keeping One's Bearings

Over the past few weeks, I have been trying to get my bearings in the work I am doing. Working on several projects is not easy, especially when one needs to dive deep and lead several initiatives in each individual project. Just keeping track of the tasks in each project, with several to-do lists, is a challenge. Using the latest tools like MS Planner is a lifesaver.  The mind has to multitask with the workload that one is subjected to. The tools that help one in this daily struggle will ensure mental peace.

One project is regional catastrophe planning, where several simulations are planned to transfer applications to a fail-safe environment. This entails coordinating meetings and workshops with multiple groups, including the customer support team, the application support team, and the external backup company, which has members worldwide. Another project is the ongoing obsolescence project, where app locations are moved to a more modern and secure environment.

This project also entails working with the customer support organization, application support, and the external infrastructure organization. This involves scheduling meetings, writing emails, planning workshops, and so on. A third project is a Logistics one where some programs need to be revised so that one's shipments to other countries are not hampered by incorrect documentation. This endeavor involved working closely with business leaders, stakeholders, and application developers.

Other smaller projects exist and are mixed into this stew of multitasking and further confusion and complexity. Decommission servers related to a previous project, coordinate backup testing for two applications in Central America and North America. Further adding stress is the ongoing request for funding for these projects due to the recent slowdown in markets that require the reduction of working budgets. Under this complex working environment, one has to stay afloat, attend department meetings, and log one's time entry before the end of the month. One has to be aware of the individual quirks of personality of the people one works with.

This is not the dreary and boring workspace of a large bureaucracy but the hot house of a major global company where initiatives come and go, crisis happens, and politics need to be played. Personal interactions are important, as one needs to be polite and follow the prevailing rules, go to the office at least for the majority of the work week, while trying to stay focused while working remotely and doom-scrolling on one's phone. Under this personal backdrop is the cultural and political chaos of the presidential office, the infighting and several divisions, which only causes more stress and confusion. It seems like a Russian plot to sow disorder in Western societies has now come to pass.  Hence, the need to get one's bearings, to restore a sense of equilibrium and balance, mainly to keep sane and continue functioning as a competent cog in the global machine of commerce.

Windy City

We spent the first week of July in Chicago, arriving on the 1st and leaving on the 5th with a day trip to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The weather was beautiful and the city was glorious. We spent the first morning on an architectural boat tour along the river, the guide an expert on the history and styles of the buildings. It was a very enjoyable trip under a brilliant blue sky, and as hot as we expected. After the boat trip, we explored Grant Park, listening to a free classical concert at Millenium Park. Dinner was a Poke bowl of tuna, salmon, rice, avocado, seaweed, and lettuce. 

The next days were spent visiting the Art Institute of Chicago, which had a great collection of Impressionist paintings and a short history of European history focused on the Catholic reign of Ferdinand and Isabel and the combination of the Habsburg empire with the marriage of their daughter to a Habsburg scion. It was a very large and substantive collection, and it was tiresome to look at the exhibits and, afterward, continue to explore the city and parks. The museum had great views of the Frank Gehry concert hall at Millennium Park, where we enjoyed free concerts.

The Chicago skyline and the architecture of the building were exceptional, especially the intriguing Cloud Gate sculpture commonly known as 'the Bean' and the Frank Gehry bridge crossing from Millennium Park to the Maggie Daley Park. The Cultural Center and the Design Museum were the common man's venue to display 'folk art', and I particularly enjoyed the Blondell Cummins dance exhibit 'Dance as Moving Pictures'. The center was the former City Library with impressive high-ceiling rooms, majestic staircases, and magnificent domed ceilings.

• Day 1: River boat tour on Chicago architecture
• Day 2: Art Institute of Chicago, Maggie Daley Park, watch fireworks along the shore
• Day 3: Walking tour of Art Deco buildings,  Cultural Center of Chicago, Design Museum
• Day 4: Visit Milwaukee via Amtrak train, Pabst Beer Mansion, Milwaukee park near shore, downtown, return to Chicago, 4th of July Concert at Millennium Park   

Armtrak train ride of Milwaukee oferred glimpses of the countyr side of Illinous and Minesota and a good brak and contrast from the grand urban city scape of Chicago. The Pabst mansion had incredible intricate interiors with impressive delicate wood work, great attention to detail and offered a glimpse of welath at the turn of the century. It was a large mansion but drawfed by the huge palaces that came at the turn of the 20th cenutry. We saw an NCAA fencing chanpionship as we explored the city , walking near the shore with a view of the Art Museum designed by Earo Saarnisen.

The 4th of July concett was a blast with an entertaining Irish conductor. I had brought beer and I enjoyed the music, beauty and grandueer of the concert hall and the surrounding sky scrapers. Dinner was our usual Poke bowl and Ramen soup. I did not have time to enjoy the penthouse pool in the evening as we had to pack for the early morning trip to the airport. Chicago offered a welcome break and a chance to discover something new, to see a different part of America and admire the breath of the American experience.

Aging with Grace

Last week, my boss helped me by telling me what to post in a group chat with the director; he often posts his own comments in a three-way conversation where the director thinks he is conversing with 3 people but in fact in most instances with my boss, since some of my comments came from him. I pause when I post, thinking about how I should state things since recently I've been criticised for some of my commentary. I do agree that I post aggressive statements to provoke people I communicate with.

But sometimes I wonder if the way I speak is not appropriate. I notice that I jump to certain conclusions without the proper build-up that would ease the transition to my conclusion, to give the listeners time to understand how I reached that conclusion. I am an instinctive thinker, and I speak from my gut instead of building a logical argument that would explain the reasoning behind my statements. I also speak too fast as if to show that I discovered the 'truth' before anyone. 

I wonder if it's a sign of cognitive defect or the reverse: speed of thought, as my mind is always thinking, looking at all the angles. I do notice that people are slow in thinking, which is a conceit when in fact this is the right tempo to let the group slowly understand the subject being discussed and allow everyone in the group to reach a common realization. Of course, each will have their own reaction and conclusion, but with the same understanding of the facts.

I am working with new people that I've met only a year or so ago, in a new assignment and with different circumstances that before were where I'd work with my former colleagues for several decades in the same department. The newness of the situation kept the mind alert, to understand the new social norms, way of speaking and working, especially with a much younger than me. I have to pay attention to what I say and do, as the young folks don't share the same views as a much older person.

Recently, a former colleague retired, and like me, has been in the company for 3 decades, and I felt sad that she left, as we worked together for several years before I transferred to another department. This move has been very fortunate, and I thank the stars for my luck to come into a new environment and meet new people. It does bring more pressure, but I have been moving around a lot in my career, so I enjoy the journey and have done this transformation many times.

I do have to pay attention to social cues and norms, and Toastmasters has helped me navigate this voyage as well as improve my speaking and leadership skills. I do fret that age will affect my cognition, that the episode with my boss is a sign of some decline. But it is my overthinking that is causing all these instead of just moving forward and just doing it. There will be stumbles and mistakes, but that should be taken as a normal occurrence, and one should be humble and keep one's composure.

Watching Old Movies

I watched Robert Mitchum in the film 'Friends of Eddie Coyle'. His portrayal of a tragic, middle-aged low-level hood trying to make ends meet,  lost in the machinations of the mob and law, and ended up dead as the fall-guy; laid low by his boss - playing at a higher level that he was unaware of. Mitchum was an actor that I admired in my youth and looking at his portrayal at the age of around 56 in a good film by Peter Yates recalled all his great qualities as an actor especially in the film 'Yakuza' possible the best film on that genre.

It felt strange seeing him in that role at my age about 4 years older than Mitchum when he made the film. I am that middle-age person he is portraying, trying to make ends meet in my own work, going to the office and doing my projects and staying relevant. I am good at what I do, having done this work for most of my 30 year career and I identified with the character of Eddie Coyle, not because I am in the same line of work but in the situation of being middle-aged in a harsh world though not in the deadly underworld of the Boston mob.

I watched this movie before but forgot it's intimacy and details and watching the movie at my age; felt different than when I admired Mitchum's work when I was young; watching 'Yakuza' with my father when the movie first came out in the 70's, combining my love of Japan and the action of martial arts and the American cowboy loner fighting against the Yakuza. Japan as a movie locale with a Westerner thriving in that culture such as Sen Connery as James Bond in 'You Only Live Twice'.

Both movies stared heroes of mine growing up and re-watching their movies decades later is poignant because I discovered these movies with my father who also admired both Robert Mitchum and Sean Connery. Connery was much younger when he made 'Your Only Live Twice' and he was a bigger influence to me and a great movie star. 

I watched 'Friends of Eddie Coyle' in a 85 inch screen, the image flashed by a projector, with large speakers providing a soundtract behind me, simulating the feeling of being in a movie house, s I lay on a benie bag looking up at the screen. It was as if I was back in the theathre many years ago watching Mitchum and enjoying his singular performance as an anti-hero; though without the adult understanding of the movie's context.      

Since reaching this age, I can see different angles that I was not aware of when I was younger, having the awareness of an older person, with the benefit of age and wisdom. Eddie Coyle did not have this awareness, caught up in his difficult life of crime and as he faced coming inprisonement. It was Mitchum's performance that was significant; portraying a character hurling towards his end as he enjoyed his beer watching a ball game as his 'friends' prepared to kill him. Perhaps this is a metaphor for the situation I face at work and life in my middle years. 

Saving Me from Myself

Last week, our daily standup on the obso project continued, plus an additional meeting with our European counterparts to find out about the impact on their process. The team is ready to move ahead, but did not know the full picture of the migration. Meeting with our European counterparts revealed the full extent of the work, so further meetings are planned to have the checklist updated. European Lead scheduled a meeting with me next week to go over the new planning.

A gap was discovered in one of our previous rollouts where a file was not being sent, which resulted in customer data not being updated. This was a serious issue that further distracted me as I had to respond to a reply from the squad that would fix this issue, insisting on prioritization. I have to quickly assess the situation and react without necessarily understanding the technical details.  A similar situation exists in the obso project, as knowledge of firewalls, virtual IP addresses, Linux machines, and high availability environments is required.

I met with another team with regards to the business continuity plan, where an exercise was postponed last week due to bad planning and the unpreparedness of the testing team. A portion of the cancellation can be laid at my doorstep as I was also scrambling due to the other projects that I was working on. Since I was working over and beyond my role, I lost focus on the other project that I was managing, especially the business continuity.

Two other projects required my attention as well. One project about export started badly with a conflict with the business leader has turned out better with a planning event scheduled in May. The other project with European participation on the production application has turned nasty, with the European team requesting that I turn over my responsibility to the European side. I had a good meeting with the deployment manager, and she was very kind and accommodating. Unfortunately, the good feeling did not last till the afternoon after her meeting minutes triggered a reaction.

My boss told me not to respond, but I did anyway, which upset him. I said I lost focus with the many other projects I was handling. Instead, I created a group chat as he instructed and engaged with the management team and the architect to get their understanding. I was upset to be 'muzzled', but I realized my boss was just protecting me from my worst instincts. I will know next week the outcome if I will continue in this project.