Staying Inside

Recently I suggested a different tool to get work done, bypassing the usual process as the current situation did not warrant a real project yet.  In my eagerness to show that I am smart and filled with new ideas, I thought my proposal would be approved. Instead, it did not get any enthusiasm and I landed flat in my face, realizing how silly it seemed after though I was eager to support business to get things done. I was stuck in my head with churning thoughts, logically aligning ideas that it seemed a stroke of genius but ended up like an immature act.

No one wants to do additional work or go beyond the usual tools, to stay safe. This was the wall that I smacked into but in reality I should have known better than to act like an eager newbie rather than a grizzled old veteran. In the end, my natural inclination to act was not viewed as leadership or initiative but a trying-hard attempt to seize control from the higher-ups. It was my mind getting ahead of me, over thinking futile attempts against the wishes of tired old men who are afraid of new ideas.

I failed to see the world as it really is; instead seeing the possibilities that can arise with one's verve and bravado. Living in the true reality does remove one's inclination to strive and do something. Instead, one moves with a slow pace and tries to see how one can live in the slow lane even if this means doing uninteresting tasks like preparing a PowerPoint presentation instead of doing the actual effort of getting things done and completing projects. To GO LIVE is the ultimate goal of the project manager.

Today I looked at my old stack of company newsletters from a company where I worked in my mid-20s; re-reading articles that I wrote, being a member of the Editorial Board, being a mentor to young kids, deploying new accounting systems, training staff on computer technology, attending seminars and being active in office activities. I was finishing my MBA, about to get married, and just changed career; moving from government as an economist researcher to the private sector into the field of computer technology and project management.

Those were exciting times nearly 35 years ago, making significant changes in my life and career. I did not waste an opportunity that came my way. I worked in that company for nearly 10 years before moving to Singapore where I lived for 7 years. Those times in Singapore were also exciting where I made another significant move. I recently posted a video of those times in Singapore which brought wonderful memories.

Now in my current stage of life, I still have my wits and with significant project management experience, just changed departments though still within my trade. It's been a long voyage across continents, to different cultures and companies. I survived and thrived all these years, though some moments filled with stress and anxiety, with so many changes occurring that I thrived in these circumstances. I am a global worker; moving with the tides where ever the economics would bring me. 

New Battles

With my career at the office at almost 30 years, looking for enthusiasm and excitement in the daily drudgery is not that difficult. I think I have achieved some peace by focusing on the moment though sometimes one thinks of the status of what one must have at my age and years of service. But that reeks of feeling privilege breeds resentment and rumination when one just needs to enjoy the simple aspects of working every day; be able to do one's trade to the best of one's abilities.

Others who are more fortunate to go up the ladder quickly do not make me feel bad though sometimes one feels resentment but with the realization that a higher role may not be apt for one's temperament. I like being in the front line so to speak, to be James Bond out in the fields instead of this boss 'M'. Smiley in John Le Carre's book is a good example of a master handler; orchestrating spy coups while working behind the scenes though this work did have its moments of strategy, boldness, and discrete actions.

Working with much younger people who are driven and smart does not exclude me from the game as I keep trudging along with difficult projects though far from the work that attracts the limelight. Like Smiley, I like to delve into the shadows, orchestrating and coordinating work behind the scenes so that my colleagues do recognize my experience and subtleness; not the usual blow-hard pronouncements of the grizzled old veteran. Somehow I manage to keep the youthful enthusiasm and spirit of a much younger man; without the bitterness or sullenness of a middle-aged careerist who may not have ascended the heights of management.

I do say what I feel and bring out my thoughts that others might be circumscribed to control that one may have a reputation of being a loose canon instead of a feel-good management climber who says what people like to hear.  I still have this urge to throw the bomb out of my own nature to say it it is but perhaps this hint of feeling bypassed that one needs to take a stand out of experience while must the younger generation. After all, I am a veteran of multiple projects and worked in different places like Asia, Europe, and US. So I have the gravitas of the old experienced warrior who may have crossed a few lines that prevented a career rise.

One is just grateful to be working in the field, doing what one does with quiet victories, and achieving simple goals like regular golf, Toastmaster's meetings, running 5k races, biking and hiking, and enjoying good food and movies. To be mentally and physically healthy with the good cheer of the old happy worker living out the remaining years of a long career with a chance to achieve a lifelong career in retirement that one has been preparing oneself is the ultimate victory of this quiet journey.

In the meantime, one faces new battles with new actors on the stage, a new way of working, a young and envigorated management team plus exciting developments in technology like AI that could potentially change the way one works. The old warrior adapts and journeys to this new terrain, keeping his wits with his nose close to the ground, keeping himself fit to maintain the relevance and stamina needed in the new workplace after the specter of COVID finally recedes in the background. 

Keeping Grudges

Yesterday I competed in a 5k race downtown with slight rain pouring down at different times. It was a nice day when the sun came out for a few moments but mostly downcast and cloudy. Running along the city streets, the park, and the swamp rabbit trail where we normally biked on weekends, it was a great morning despite the rain.  In the afternoon, I went swimming for about 30 minutes and enjoyed the hot tub and sauna. I ate Cuban roast pork with mojo sauce at lunch and enjoyed a glass of wine. It took more than 6 hours to cook the roast pork.  I drank cafe liqueur with gin and tonic water. 

Today, Sunday, afternoon I biked for 2 hours struggling with my racer bike because my e-bike had a flat. Nevertheless, it was a nice though cold and windy day. We biked after lunch with the remaining Cuban roast pork with black beans and yellow rice with mojo sauce. I ate too much which made me want to exercise to compensate for too much food and drink. I try to enjoy myself with activity as my mind keeps having thoughts of resentment of my former management, those moments of humiliation and anger that I keep inside. Despite my attempts at meditation and mindfulness and consciously avoiding troubling thoughts, my mind circles back to past grievances.

My week in the office was good with the team getting back to work after the Christmas holidays and getting on with new challenges. I continue to lead the obsolescence and migration project as the other PM is on vacation. I brought in new people - a database expert, a full-stack architect, and additional testing resources. I organized a meeting to get an old architectural document updated and responded to emails on this topic. I also attended meetings on a crisis impacting customers who are using multiple systems to create their accounts. I am also preparing for a major system testing scheduled this year.

All this new work is good for me to keep occupied, practice my trade as a project manager, learn new topics, and lead these activities to fruition. I also participated in Toastmeast meetings, evaluated a speech, and went to the gym to prepare the the 5k race this weekend. Despite this busy schedule, I can't help but have these churning thoughts of past resentments dominate my mind during moments of idle thought. Meditation does allow me to monitor my mind and try to consciously leave this state of negative thinking. It is a struggle especially when I sleep in the evening.

Meditation is supposed to deconstruct the mind according to some thoughts, but the struggle is to construct it in a state of 'non-duality' which is not an easy task as the EGO always comes back with a vengeance. I feel less hesitant moving forward on my projects, and less self-doubt which is the benefit of a less troubled mind with churning thoughts, trying to avoid 'predictive thinking' and living in the now. This is the task one needs to train the mind as it comes out of meditation with the awareness of churning thoughts.

Brain Rot

I was in the office today but spent most of the time surfing the web and reading various news stories about Russia and Ukraine, the Korean air disaster, eulogies on Jimmy Carter, and so on plus articles on dementia, mindfulness, and exercise. This type of behavior is often called brain rot, where the mind allows itself to be distracted; drifting from one topic to another and not focusing on the task at hand to revise a design document. 

I did do some work in the morning, reading emails, and coordinating a meeting on the remaining project task though these were trivial activities that one could multi-task while surfing the net. The office was empty and I did not need to be at work but went anyway thinking that I would not be procrastinating while at my work desk. Finally, near the end of the workday, I started to focus with the help of binaural beats using earphones. Perhaps it is my age that now requires me to use external techniques to keep me focused.

Meditation and mindfulness are supposed to keep me on track but that did not help today. I went to the gym and used the treadmill for 30 minutes and met a former colleague who retired a few years back and had a conversation reliving the old days. I updated him on the recent event before going back to the office to procrastinate some more. After work, we celebrated my son's birthday with my wife in a Japanese restaurant and ate sashimi, edamame, miso soup eel with rice, and squid balls. At least the day ended well with good food.

Procrastinating is the biggest challenge where one allows distraction to take over despite being mindful of allowing oneself to drift while watching movies and reading many trivial books to prevent the actual work from being done. Brain rot is like the disease of the elderly, where one allows oneself to go to seed without fighting that last good battle to achieve transformation. I intend to fight this drift by learning to juggle plus more frequent use of TCDS devices to zap electricity to my brain.

I already use devices like PEMF and binaural beats plus music therapy nearly every day to supplement my daily meditation and Tai Chi. These activities have reduced my usual rumination and catastrophe thinking though I still catch myself with thoughts of doubt in my work and anxiety towards work and my relationship with my friends. I fear shame with an insecurity complex or possibly low self-esteem, comparing myself to others and feeling inadequate.

Thankfully therapy and meditation keep me sane as I constantly challenge myself instead of just taking life as it is. The year-end allows me to take stock of where I am and realize that too much thought is dreadful. However, listening to a podcast about how philosophy can make you happy but contemplating one's life and with self-awareness and reflection can make a good life move achievable. The Scandinavian way of enjoying the outdoors,  exercise, 'fika', and 'hygge' is the Nordic secret to being happy.

Nordic Vibe

The recent trip to Scandinavia introduced new concepts like 'fika' and 'hygge' which attempt to make life more enjoyable and keep one sane and happy. The cold climate in these countries is a challenge to live a comfortable life though surveys reveal that these are the happiest countries on earth. Their way of life and looking at things provide clues on how this state of being is achieved. One thing for sure is that the people in these locales manage to keep their closeness and their common sense alive in these difficult environments transforming these places with human warmth.

Naturally, one needs to be sensible and careful as the climate is inhospitable and deadly if one is not careful. However the naturalness of everyday biking, the customs of frequent gatherings with friends for coffee and parties, and the use of candles and light bring coziness and warmth. I have been watching several Nordic shows and movies to glimpse the ways of life and possibly the secret to a good life. Watching mostly detective shows and wonderful dramas by directors like Thomas Vintberg and classic directors like Ingmar Berman and Carl Dreyer portray a different perspective than American 'Hollywood' style movies.

A refreshing discovery with the possibility of living a different life or point of view in the coming new year. Buying furniture and kitchenware from Ikea with the Scandinavian aesthetic is a quick and simple way to live the Nordic way with design minimalism to evoke a way of life. Perhaps this newness is appropriate now that a new dawn seems to be breaking in this country with the recent election. There is a feeling of freshness as if a new dawn has arrived with parallels in history with the past election of Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, or Barack Obama that resulted in a transformative change.

In some inexplicable way or perhaps an inevitability that progressive liberals have missed, Donald Trump transcended into acceptability right in frbefore our eyes. This rightward shift is a wave cresting all over the world with reaction against immigration and diversity and multiculturalism; a shift into nativistic tribalism, for lack of a better term. A Scandinavian series 'Furia' portrays this trend against the perceived Islamization of Europe with reaction from right-wing groups with links to the Kremlin.

My ongoing interest in Russia, Ukraine, and the fall of the Soviet Union intersected with my Nordic interest after watching 'Furia'. I recently read 'OverReach' about the war in Ukraine and Masha Gessen's 'The Future is History'. One can't help but think these events portend a significant shift; a watershed moment when the world suddenly shifts to a new paradigm; more tribal and enclosed and likely less democratic. The recent election results may seem surprising but really a change that feels transformative and inevitable. 

Philip Roth's books such as 'American Pastoral' ; though I just watched the movie but read 'The Plot Aginst America'  to series like 'The Man in the High Castle' or even the new movie 'Civil War' may seem prescient. Scandinavian countries being some of the most happiest countries on earth may offer an answer to divisiveness and polarity. Perhaps 'fika' and 'hygge' may offer some relief.

Looking Back

I have lived sixty decades on this earth starting tomorrow;  quite a milestone writing this thought in words though I don't feel a bit different except perhaps feeling that time often moves in slow motion. I swam for 30 minutes this morning and ran on the treadmill for about 40 minutes yesterday. I may be healthier than most with my physical exercises while mentally I reflect more in my actions and thoughts. I don't need to reflect more than what happened this year.

I moved to a new department last February, leaving a stressful and toxic environment that pushed me to my limits; but glad to end up in a much better place with a mature leader and colleagues who are young and energetic and full of optimism. Before the move, I was living in limbo, while a new person took over my role and I was cast aside from working on specific projects. I had feelings of anxiety and stress; of self-doubt as my self-worth was affected and experienced some trauma.

I underwent several sessions with a therapist and practiced self-reflection and re-framing my experiences while I attended several courses online to gain credits and keep my certification as a project management professional. Keeping busy, positive self-reflection, gratitude and therapy kept me sane during these months. I also traveled locally to Florida and Boston and overseas to Prague, Malmo, and Copenhagen. I also watched opera, played golf, participated in Toastmasters meetings, and ran in some 5k races.

These activities allowed me to adapt to change, avoid harmful rumination, and emerge with a healthy mental state.  I worked on some new projects in my new post and in November, I took over several projects transitioned to me by another project manager who left the company. We went live last week on a significant project and will complete the annual year-end activities. I sent out an email reporting the go-live with some pride; though with the understanding that life has its ups and downs and I just had a temporary swing of the pendulum in my direction.

In this turn of events, half of my former squad was moved to another squad to improve efficiency which could be interpreted as not being effective in their former set-up. I felt vindicated that I was not the cause of the squad's problems which led to my transfer and change and the domain and platform leadership were just looking for a scapegoat to blame. The reorganization of the squad, resulting in the reduction of their scope, when I was no longer the squad lead, gave me an empty victory.

It was all for the good of the organization wherein my move triggered a change in squad leadership but was not enough to make the squad perform better instead the squad's scope was reduced and staff moved to a much better squad. I also perform better with a focused scope and with a better environment to grow and thrive in. We all went through a journey of personal discovery and change, and I did not succumb to my usual negative thoughts.

Redemption

Last week our project went live after being transitioned to me just a little more than a month ago. The project was complex and entailed the participation of about 4 separate teams. The project was in good hands before being handed over but I contributed more rigor and leadership as needed. The email I sent announcing the success and the response from leadership was vindication to me after the change of roles and transition to a new department that occurred this year. Finally, I felt I had proven myself to the people who doubted me due to their incompetence and unfairness.

I cannot help but feel good after those past months of trauma and doubt about my abilities. Last week was when I proved my worth though I did not really need to since I have been doing this type of work for decades in different zones starting from Asia-Pacific. But working with people who are ignorant and just looking to assign blame can cause you grief and stress unless one has to keep proving yourself. I have learned a lot in this journey and for sure I also needed to step up and thrive given the right help and support which I did not have. But all this pain went away with last week's success.

A friend of mine often remarked on my resilience and I have done it again though I was just using my wits to survive. I kept my nose to the grindstone and kept working until an opportunity came by with the departure of the former leader who was let go to cut costs. I had always thought that giving work to contractors despite the talent within the organization was not good business sense. This was proven again with the recent changes that all businesses had to go through due to the economic situation.

It is a new world now, especially after the election where a change of the guard is needed like a breath of fresh air with new leadership. Comets have been viewed photographed and posted in our user group and comets often are a portent of great change. In my small way, I am riding this wave of redemption, to return to courtesy and respect for one's abilities instead of fault-finding and pointing blame. I will continue to excel by working hard, being diligent, and being responsible. I did check my horoscope for the coming Year of the Snake and forecast seems promising. We shall see.