Keeping Grudges

Yesterday I competed in a 5k race downtown with slight rain pouring down at different times. It was a nice day when the sun came out for a few moments but mostly downcast and cloudy. Running along the city streets, the park, and the swamp rabbit trail where we normally biked on weekends, it was a great morning despite the rain.  In the afternoon, I went swimming for about 30 minutes and enjoyed the hot tub and sauna. I ate Cuban roast pork with mojo sauce at lunch and enjoyed a glass of wine. It took more than 6 hours to cook the roast pork.  I drank cafe liqueur with gin and tonic water. 

Today, Sunday, afternoon I biked for 2 hours struggling with my racer bike because my e-bike had a flat. Nevertheless, it was a nice though cold and windy day. We biked after lunch with the remaining Cuban roast pork with black beans and yellow rice with mojo sauce. I ate too much which made me want to exercise to compensate for too much food and drink. I try to enjoy myself with activity as my mind keeps having thoughts of resentment of my former management, those moments of humiliation and anger that I keep inside. Despite my attempts at meditation and mindfulness and consciously avoiding troubling thoughts, my mind circles back to past grievances.

My week in the office was good with the team getting back to work after the Christmas holidays and getting on with new challenges. I continue to lead the obsolescence and migration project as the other PM is on vacation. I brought in new people - a database expert, a full-stack architect, and additional testing resources. I organized a meeting to get an old architectural document updated and responded to emails on this topic. I also attended meetings on a crisis impacting customers who are using multiple systems to create their accounts. I am also preparing for a major system testing scheduled this year.

All this new work is good for me to keep occupied, practice my trade as a project manager, learn new topics, and lead these activities to fruition. I also participated in Toastmeast meetings, evaluated a speech, and went to the gym to prepare the the 5k race this weekend. Despite this busy schedule, I can't help but have these churning thoughts of past resentments dominate my mind during moments of idle thought. Meditation does allow me to monitor my mind and try to consciously leave this state of negative thinking. It is a struggle especially when I sleep in the evening.

Meditation is supposed to deconstruct the mind according to some thoughts, but the struggle is to construct it in a state of 'non-duality' which is not an easy task as the EGO always comes back with a vengeance. I feel less hesitant moving forward on my projects, and less self-doubt which is the benefit of a less troubled mind with churning thoughts, trying to avoid 'predictive thinking' and living in the now. This is the task one needs to train the mind as it comes out of meditation with the awareness of churning thoughts.