On Getting Old

Last week I needed to write an email in reply to Miss High and Mighty and respond to her silly email.  I also planned to work on a document that I needed to submit to her audit. I have done this sort of thing many times at work; quick and smart answers to silly questions and rushing off to finish a technical document. But I hesitated, bored in doing this sort of stuff again and again. 

Initially, I felt anxious for not getting to work, procrastinating, but I had other more important things to do and the multiple workloads froze my brain into inaction. In the past these emails would sweep me into a fervor of anger, to show them my quick intelligence by writing a blistering response. But I realize later that I felt old for this game, something that I person my age would have felt beneath his dignity. But I find myself stuck in this sort of limbo where I still work with these jokers who think they are all mighty.

This brings to mind the thought that maybe I should finally think of retirement. My father retired at about my age today, where he started a trucking business or an import and export business which all failed despite buying several gadgets but never making a lot of money. These business failures made him delve into real estate in Los Angeles which also did not prosper as he spent time in Las Vegas trying to earn money by gambling. 

He tried other ventures until age caught up and all he had was his golf though he continued to dabble in entrepreneurship by delving into custom-fitting golf clubs. At least he tried something; looking for ways to capitalize on being a salesman. On the other hand, I do not have his salesman's drive to go out in the road in search of fortune. I am a homebody and may end up like him despite some dreams of mine to be a writer or internet entrepreneur. I also play golf but not as good as he was and without the same fervor.

Did some idiotic person in the office drive him away? Perhaps it was a missed promotion or his career had stalled like mine. I continue to work in some limbo but I am doing good, gaining some of my old mojos back and doing project management work. However, Miss High and Mighty comes along and disrupts my tempo and I am no longer the young lighting that would have responded back in kind.

Audit BS

Yesterday I responded to a BS email from a European auditor who is a pain in the ass. The comment criticized my work as if I did not devote time and effort. I admit it was not my best output but the work was what could be produced with my workload. The email upset me as I took it personally which is my Achilles heel that results in anxiety and stress. A balanced temperament is what I should work on; to chill out and take things in stride.

I responded back to her giving a cc: copy to our overall boss who had sent me a message to reply back to the auditor. Apparently, miss uppity BS was giving her a story that I have not done anything though I did provide a draft as well as met with her many times and my immediate supervisors to discuss the deliverables. Her email pissed me off and discouraged me from working which is not what a caring colleague would do to motivate her fellow workers.  

My reply thanked her for her BS comments and I explained this was only a draft since we still have several weeks to work on the final report. I do not need these silly episodes with the labor I am doing on my major project which requires me to play several roles. I carry a big burden where I work with several teams in India, Europe, and the USA. Alas, this is is the tragedy or comedy one faces at work with episodes of exhilaration and trivial pettiness. It is the triviality and silliness in the office that will get you in the end if you don't have a sense of humor and detachment.

Getting Back to Work

 I did not go to the office this week. I try to go every Tuesday and Thursday but recently I go only once or not at all depending on work for the day. Initially, I wanted to be at the office most of the time, to try to get back to normal. However, the office is nearly empty with few people to talk to. This feeling of wanting to be in the office all the time is a remnant of fear and anxiety of not meeting company expectations. But covid pandemic allowed us to work from home so adjusting to homework was good but I wanted to go back to the office as soon as possible.

However, being in the office did not alleviate my old fear since no one really cares whether you are in the office or not. So I try to go less and less especially if I have a large load for the day and avoiding travel time and social interaction at the office makes me more productive. The idea was to work in collaboration rooms where squad members work together on a common problem. But the agile experiment does not work for our squad. So most of the talk is silly banter as we are working on separate tasks or projects so we end up getting agitated listening to the conversation of the other squad members attending meetings as they participate in remote sessions, their voice disturbing our concentration.

Several good outcomes last week meeting with our partners for a major project involving exports from Asia. The project is moving along despite the problems and potholes ahead. It will a bumpy ride. My boss assigned me to a blockchain project and interesting to learn new things. In our last frequent feedback session, he asked me what I liked to do and I preferred project work instead of squad work. He said he will pull me out of the squad so I can work independently with different projects.

I fulfill many roles in a project not only as a project manager or coordinator but also as a functional analyst. I like doing the extra effort despite the heavy burden but I have been an FA before so I know the subject matter. It is much better to be a generalist and do more things than being a specialist which requires constant interaction with other people who you have to manage, convince and coach. I like working with people but often time working solo is much more efficient.