Meditation Blues

Meditation and mindfulness exercises help a certain type of individual except for those who are prone to rumination and overthinking. Although the act does try to increase one's awareness of thought bubbles, after meditation the mind does go back to its circular thinking patterns if one does not consciously focus or recognize the mind has settled back into its usual process like a hand into a glove. One does brings attention to this predicament and tries to get out of the hole again.

Rumination swerves quickly to anxiety and worry that the next act is procrastination and distraction. Mediation does make one conscious of the thought bubbles but the result seems to be more procrastination; avoiding the work that one needs to do. This is another dilemma that compounds one's mental balance with the internet lurking in the background with its incessant feed and TikTok videos. One would think that meditation will make one more conscious of addictions but the inevitable effect is succumbing to distraction again.

This week was eventful with the supervisor away for another week due to covid though formally back to work though keeping a low profile. The movie star business leader is off making good progress with our help though our team was also busy completing the sprint demo and sprint planning for the next cycle of work. My mind dreads both the supervisor for her seeming feeling of superiority and the business needs leader's youthful drive to slay inefficiencies where ever he finds them. Both contribute to a slight tinge of worry which my mind always ruminates on.

In the meantime, I struggle in my own wheelhouse with my own thoughts of inadequacy and shortcomings. After each sprint is a retrospective where the squad gives their feedback on what went well, what did not, and what needs improvement.  As a squad leader, one needs to have a thick skin and roll with the punches, and avoid ruminating that one is inadequate. One soldier along with some victories such as the CSD meetings which one has initiated to try new tools.

But the onslaught of work, new information, and request keep coming into one's mental space. Active attempts to increase one's capacity via additional monitors, better work area, new techniques like building a better brain, and yes, meditation, tai chi, and exercise do continue. Sometimes it feels like a constant battle; to keep abreast of things and stay relevant and lead despite one rumination that all are against him with the silence of the supervisor which is either a lack of leadership that one is setting me up to fail. Or the onslaught of the business side who forever moves ahead for business efficiency; showing the squad's shortcomings and lack of initiative.

The answer is grace under pressure, to move like water instead of being an immovable mountain. Hence, back to meditation and mindfulness.  To be flexible and to continue increasing one's skills. Introspection and mind dump via journaling to express and re-frame one's experience is also important. Last week was another busy week in which we successfully completed our sprint, started a new one, and kept with the numerous meetings, chats, and email replies despite lack of sleep and lurking anxiety and procrastination.

Good Week ?

A day ago my relative left the hospital, talking to him on the phone as his family drove him home, he sounded fresh and, yes, different: more articulate and perhaps self-aware, although difficult to tell in such a short conversation. Today is his birthday and he replied to my birthday greeting,’ 2nd life is the best gift ever’. So it is turning out to be a good week despite my mental and physical exhaustion at work.  Still scrambling, fighting fires; unable to define a systematic process that will help me, instead of being reactive to the events as they come. I scheduled several meeting to meet with customers and development team, writing minutes and updating tickets. Oftentimes this has made me inefficient, finding it difficult to multitask due to my aging brain(?), adjusting not only to the physical decline but to mental decline (?) as well. Oftentimes I am unable to continue working the rest of the day after these meetings.  Therefore, a systemic way of working is truly needed.

But I have too many excuses: adjusting to a new role, learning new tools, meeting and working with new people, increasing workload, continuing support to 2 systems, increased extracurricular tasks (as Area Governor in Toastmaster) and, lastly,  family problems. All these have added their burdens and my usual method of coping: exercising, Tai Chi meditation and journal writing to fight stress and pressure are not as effective today.  I also try to learn new things to keep my mind active by having new experiences (war re-enactment, electronic art, exploring parks, etc.) similar to what I tried to do in Singapore: learning to play the guitar and roller blading. The mind is elastic; participating in Toastmaster has been good but I may have reached my limit. But is it a mental boundary? Although I do feel that I have reached my physical boundaries as well. But one must go on and the fluid mind is the answer, to be light on one’s feet and not dwell on mistakes or embarrassments like the speech contest gaffe that occurred in last Saturday’s conference. But these are all trivial when compared to my friends’ ordeal.

I want to start a new, simpler life; borrow fewer books, see fewer movies and focus on important things: do I quit Toastmasters, stop my cable subscription and other insignificant things? Last weekend, I went and threw my bundle of junk mail, throwing away stuff like old boxes that piled up in the garage, placing my equipment in a new place so I can free up space in my cabinet; inconsequential ways to improve for sure, trying to rid the mind of old patterns that strive to be in motion, following the dictates of a ‘monkey’ mind. A hint of mortality has come with my friend’s episode, re-focusing life to the important things, seeking authenticity and relevance, trying to find signs of a life well – lived. Being middle aged, still unable to write and live the life of one’s dream, but pressed by challenges; aware finally of one’s mortality brings new freshness; to focus on what is important. One has to discard the dreams of a young man as no longer feasible, to travel more and seek more adventures; instead to stop wandering and hunker down as one prepares for the final fight with mortality.

Pilot Week

Another hectic week similar to those days in Asia. The only difference is that I have clarity of mind or awareness that I did not have back then. Maybe it is because everything is above board here and one has to express himself to be understood. In certain ways one is left alone in Asia to do one’s thing and one move forward with just a blind determination to succeed. There are also a lot of distractions that one can remove the stress of the day. No such distractions here except television or internet and a few cocktails while watching movies.  In Asia there is a floating world where one can lose himself and time seems to float by in a sensuous dream. No such indulgence in the Bible belt especially in the cold winter. One cannot escape the daily grind except live with it.

One notices that sleep is important here. Somehow in Asia one can go by the day even with less sleep. Somehow the floating world of indulgence can rest the mind. My morning Tai Chi serves as a way to focus due to the many diversion. In the West it is more of a way to focus the mind to prevent one from going insane. The reason is that without distractions, one cannot help but focus on the issue: write emails, discuss over the phone and so on. One does not have the opportunity to walk out during lunch time and choose the best place to eat with all the multitude of Asian choices. Here one stays in his cubicle, eating a sandwich or some snack to get by. After work one can go to the gym or directly home unlike in the East where one has many choices to indulge in.

A pilot run was scheduled this Friday which was again postponed. I was driving the charge and seem that I struck out again. The first was in Nevada and now here in home court. But I see no way forward except to gamble on a chance. It may seem reckless and I sometime doubt myself as well. I have taken a role which is not mine to take due to a vacuum.  But there is no way that I could lay back and rest because it will delay the project. So following the grand tradition of charging forward with out looking, I have gone ahead leading while others try to stop me or follow my lead. Now in the dregs of near failure and disaster, I see that others are laughing behind my back wondering why the project is taking nearly 2 years to finish. But again there is movement and the weekend will cool down nerves and one can see the full picture again.

One is faced with many issues but one has to move forward, calling the help desk, raising tickets, talking to every man and his dog, writing emails and trying to get things done. One is in a blur but it is the clear thought of someone with experience. Speaking with smart people from India, programmers from Ohio, experienced office workers, talking with the top dogs to make your voice heard. Strangely I sometime miss my morning Tai chi exercises which I rarely miss while in the East. Nevertheless I do not feel stressed as before which was more a blind dread of the future. Now all seems clear and the path is open perhaps due to the logical, linear thinking of the West as compared to the Eastern thinking where all things are linked and anything can happen. In the West, there seems to be a feeling of inevitability, like things moving forward as it should.

I guess it has been a wonderful week despite the failure of the pilot. In fact one would think that issues have been found during the testing. It is better to see the problems now than when it is in production. It is the thinking mind that brings people to grief, forever churning in the dark without external diversion, where dark thoughts arise. It is only through sleep and mediation that one can avoid the fate of insanity or cognitive decline. But despite the pressure and stress I think I have crossed a milestone and risen above the fray with self control, humor and insight that one has experienced this before and one would survive by keeping one’s nerve.

Getting Up to Speed

Moving to another country with a family requires a fast track to the new home’s life style. For example, moving from Asia to America is a big leap. The attitudes and perspectives are miles apart that perhaps one could easily adapt if one spent his growing years feeding on Hollywood movies, western music and western literature. Still not enough to ensure an easy landing as it’s a big step to understand the inner working of American life. For instance, if one moves from a society that encourages public transportation to a car owner centric culture. Also, from a society that is based on scarcity to one of abundance.


After hitting the ground, the first thing that one should work on is one’s credit score. The credit score is one’s doorway to a good life. Getting a good credit score means having a credit card (sometime more than one) and using it frequently, paying a mortgage and a car loan at the very least. In other words, being in debt is the goal. Saving money is not something that is respected here. So being in debt to financial institutions is one’s passport to prosperity. It’s like an enormous factory producing money so that one should avail of this outpouring of credit to fit in. If one does not avail of credit, the powers that be will lower your credit score and adversely affect your future prospects.


Being in debt actually means that one is a part of a society who insures that the wheel of ‘prosperity’ is constantly turning. The turning wheel encompasses a long chain that start from the raw materials dug from the ground in Asia or Africa, products built in the factories of China and Malaysia or Eastern Europe, shipped through the seas to the developed world and sold on huge malls like Carrefour and Wall-Mart. This also means the multitude of cars manufactured in factories all over the world as well as the houses being built and stocks being sold all of which contribute to a rising bubble. A bubble means that it’s a fake, something not real but driven by artificial means.


Strangely, that’s modern life and one should know how to navigate all the complexities to be successful. Learning about IRA, ROTH plans medical insurance, health care, college tuition, car loan, mortgages, interest rates, ARM or fixed rate loans, driver’s permit, federal aid, bankruptcy laws, federal and state taxes, immigration laws and so on are just a part of what one needs to understand to settle here. All these are interconnected and affect your life in ways that you would not realize. But all these structures and rules and laws work to make one’s life a success in ‘the pursuit of happiness’.

Somehow these are the concrete manifestations of a dynamic society that works; a way of life shaped by wars and greed, by innovation and wealth and individual effort and hard work. Things seem much simpler back in Asia until one realizes that the government and its bureaucrats make all the money. Everyone here needs to hustle and all these structures aim to equip one with the ability to make money; often with a chance even to be wealthy. Of course, it’s an illusion because like a bubble it’s all a fake. No inner contentment despite the large house, new car and latest gizmos. Perhaps this is where Asia trumps the west with its yoga, tai chi, meditation and cultivation of the inner life.