Meditation Blues

Meditation and mindfulness exercises help a certain type of individual except for those who are prone to rumination and overthinking. Although the act does try to increase one's awareness of thought bubbles, after meditation the mind does go back to its circular thinking patterns if one does not consciously focus or recognize the mind has settled back into its usual process like a hand into a glove. One does brings attention to this predicament and tries to get out of the hole again.

Rumination swerves quickly to anxiety and worry that the next act is procrastination and distraction. Mediation does make one conscious of the thought bubbles but the result seems to be more procrastination; avoiding the work that one needs to do. This is another dilemma that compounds one's mental balance with the internet lurking in the background with its incessant feed and TikTok videos. One would think that meditation will make one more conscious of addictions but the inevitable effect is succumbing to distraction again.

This week was eventful with the supervisor away for another week due to covid though formally back to work though keeping a low profile. The movie star business leader is off making good progress with our help though our team was also busy completing the sprint demo and sprint planning for the next cycle of work. My mind dreads both the supervisor for her seeming feeling of superiority and the business needs leader's youthful drive to slay inefficiencies where ever he finds them. Both contribute to a slight tinge of worry which my mind always ruminates on.

In the meantime, I struggle in my own wheelhouse with my own thoughts of inadequacy and shortcomings. After each sprint is a retrospective where the squad gives their feedback on what went well, what did not, and what needs improvement.  As a squad leader, one needs to have a thick skin and roll with the punches, and avoid ruminating that one is inadequate. One soldier along with some victories such as the CSD meetings which one has initiated to try new tools.

But the onslaught of work, new information, and request keep coming into one's mental space. Active attempts to increase one's capacity via additional monitors, better work area, new techniques like building a better brain, and yes, meditation, tai chi, and exercise do continue. Sometimes it feels like a constant battle; to keep abreast of things and stay relevant and lead despite one rumination that all are against him with the silence of the supervisor which is either a lack of leadership that one is setting me up to fail. Or the onslaught of the business side who forever moves ahead for business efficiency; showing the squad's shortcomings and lack of initiative.

The answer is grace under pressure, to move like water instead of being an immovable mountain. Hence, back to meditation and mindfulness.  To be flexible and to continue increasing one's skills. Introspection and mind dump via journaling to express and re-frame one's experience is also important. Last week was another busy week in which we successfully completed our sprint, started a new one, and kept with the numerous meetings, chats, and email replies despite lack of sleep and lurking anxiety and procrastination.

Sprint Demo

Our squad had its sprint demo today with squad members presenting their accomplishments. The day started slightly disorganized as the team scrambled to complete the presentation. One slide was missed and the team rushed to add the missing slide a few minutes before the sprint started. The demo went well with certain members presenting their accomplishments. After the demo, we had a retrospective to review what worked and did not and what needed improvement.

The session was brutally honest as more areas needed to be improved compared to what went well. It was a call for changes and I did my part by scheduling weekly sessions with each squad member. A humbling experience for me but I had the reckoning coming. The honesty of the session was good as everyone had a chance to speak out and clear the air. The next step is clearly to perform and make improvements. This is the kind of situation that I like due to the challenges.

In the afternoon, I had my frequent feedback session where we cleared the air with my domain manager. There were past episodes of tension and my boss had a chance to express her concerns while I had an opportunity to apologize, More work was piled on me but that is what I wanted anyway since the model I wanted to do was not approved. Such is the game that I find myself in with challenges from the squad and from my boss.

The productivity videos and books that I am reading are just in time for such a quandary. I do not feel any stress and took these challenges in stride. These are the circumstances of any manager facing tough times at work and one needs to keep his wits and weather the storm.  The work day ended on a good note with the last meeting of the day where I explained the plan for the deployment of a project I was leading as project manager. The business team supports my view.

There is a lot of talk about mental health these days as people cope with inflation, return to work, covid ( some people in the office still wear masks) personal challenges, and work demands. The threat of nuclear war in the horizon with the war between Ukraine and Russia. Is this milieu causing people to complain more? Can this situation be attributed to external factors rather than immediate work stress? People have their own perception of reality ( see Vladimir Putin) that the world is a mess.

GTD – Self Organization

Yesterday I participated as a judge in a speech contest, previously sending an email to my club members to convince them to attend the contest; an event hosted by 2 area governors that had a small handful of participants where none attended form my club despite my reminder. But it was an interesting session with speeches on cats, dogs, brassieres and a hilarious one on how Toastmaster will help save the planet and extend lives; the last speech delivered by a brilliant standup comic who lost (as he did not come in a formal coat and tie like the others). Earlier in the week we had our club meeting where my members where asking about the area contest as some of us received an email asking for help. This made me realize, in the days leading up to the contest, that I had a responsibility to organize a contest for my area, wondering how this major event slipped my mind, realizing that the pressure and stress at the office wiped out the task from my mind.  The truth is that I was running away from any kind of work, neglecting to read emails especially one from a governor to start organizing our area contest, focusing instead, but rightfully so, at my office work, thereby, allowing my responsibility as governor to slip away. Now I have 2 weeks left to organize a contest. 

I could not sleep the night before the Saturday contest, thinking that I will be derided by the other officers, but I resolved to accept the shame and come clean and ask for help. But nothing of the sort of humiliation occurred despite the fevered thoughts in my brain, instead the kindness and concern of the people came through, giving me confidence that I can make it. I started to plan my next steps, thinking about my other work in the office where I had slipped and did not communicate very well, not organizing meeting or not updating my customers, instead letting the deadlines slip. In fact I had not prepared well for a department meeting last Tuesday, though submitting the presentation in time but attending remotely, not making the case to explain my position clearly to the audience in the meeting. All these seeming failures crept in my mind that together with the area contest that I let slip resulted in sleepless nights that further caused me to self-indulge and procrastinate.  Saturday afternoon was spent going to a concert in the woods at Paris Mountain Park where I tried to gain strength listening to music, surrounded by nature and trying to silence my mind.

Last week I watched several videos by David Allen and download GTD materials to help me become more efficient and productive. I also continued to read the book ‘Is Work Killing You?’  By David Posen, MD which gave a lot of good insight on the nature and cause of stress (i.e. Volume, Velocity and Abuse of work).  These materials plus the music concert in the woods calmed me a bit  and several plans came into shape. I have determined to do the following:

-    In my Lotus Notes, create the following folders for emails that I will defer work (i.e. cannot be done in 2 minutes): Answer, Read and Pending. I will check these folders during the day and, hopefully, prevent me from missing important emails.

-    For project work, the following tools will be used: office work = Atlassian  tool to update and manage maintenance tickets (using SCRUM or KANBAN Method) and MS Notes to organize reference materials. For other projects = Trello for SCRUM or KANBAN tools and Ever Note and Pinterest for reference notes on my personal projects.

-    Organize my file folders especially Dropbox so I can work anywhere with my mobile devices.


Reading these books have helped me organize my thoughts, keeping me calm instead of rushing into panic, raising my thinking at a higher level so I can plan better. Let’s see what will happen in a few days.


https://trello.com/


http://evernote.com/


https://www.dropbox.com/


https://www.atlassian.com/software/jira

Early Morning Meeting

I had an early morning meeting with the my old nemesis - the boss man. The project office head was sick so she called me and said to proceed with the meeting. So I went with the new support staff from our Indian outsource. The boss man was his usual self, challenging us to improve the report. So I spent most of the time defending the reports that we presented. We were a shooting target because he just came and attacked all the format we presented. All the points mentioned were good but I think that we always spend more time arguing about the formats. But with the impending transfer, my days reporting on the system status are few. I hope the new team will not be stressed to much with the boss man.

A couple of days ago, my dear friend told me that he needs heart surgery to remove a benign tumour. I was shocked and could not respond much. He is five years younger than me but he is brave and seems unconcerned about the coming operation. The doctors say that stress maybe the likely cause. I also have a few colleagues who have ailments attributable to stress. This got me thinking that I should not stress my kids to much. The grades of my youngest son depressed him and I think he felt some form of stress. It seems a fact of life here that people are stressed to keep up with the demands of life and work. I am glad to be moving to a more laid back atmosphere and hope that it will be less demanding for my family.

I told my other colleague whose sister has chronic kidney failure to explore alternative medicine. It is easy for me to say as I am not affected. But to look at a future with a dialysis machine is not much of a future as well. But being exposed to traditional Chinese medicine and other alternative forms of medication in Asia give me more confidence in proposing this action. In fact the only way to stay healthy is to exercise everyday. Every morning I bike or walk in the nearby park or use my rowing machine for about 15 to 20 minutes everyday. I also stopped smoking, drink lots of liquids and handle stress by blogging and Tai Chi and, of course, exercise. It's the only way to survive these days rather than just dropping dead of stroke or cardiac arrest as some young people are wont to do recently.

So this brings me back to the boss man and my son. I should not react negatively with stress after meeting with the boss man. I should also avoid stressing my kids with high expectations though I should gently challenge them to be better. I also should not take the load or problems in my work. There is always a procedure and an elevation process. The support team in India should get most of the load. Yesterday, there was a call from Thailand of the other system that we just deployed. It had a problem uploading files. Usually I would be stressed and focus on the issue until it is resolved. But with so many things to do, I did not pay too much attention. So I just wrote an e-mail to the support team to look into the problem.

I guess another thing that I should adjust to is my age. I am not a doddering old man yet but I guess I can no longer do the things that I used to do in the past. My tolerance to stress is not as great as before. So I should be smart and learn to pass problems to the appropriate channel. I should also respect myself and try to go home early instead of staying late to resolve issues. There is always another day to work on the problem. Another thing as mentioned by my brother is not to bring my work problems home. I am guilty of this habit sometimes though I do not shout or get angry when I get home. Usually I am just silent and a bit surly with my family, neglecting them and looking for my own distraction like reading books or Internet. I guess with age come self-awareness to hopefully improve oneself.

Anger management

I am being teased by my friends in the office of having a short fuse. I have had at least a few recent incidents where I raised my voice during meetings in the S project. The princess remarked that I need to have a vacation. The business leader has agreed that I should go on a few weeks leave. Of course, after going live on the first phase of his project. At lunch yesterday, we were all eating together and my boss jokingly said that I seem to have anger management issues based on the feedback he hears from the princess and the business leader.

I think they are right. I guess the strain is getting to me as I am working on two major projects with demanding clients. But then again, most of the conflict is within the department and most disagreements I have had is on the steps to go forward. Sometime I feel that I am the only person talking sense. Perhaps it is because I am the oldest serving person within the team and we have different viewpoints. There is an article in one of the latest issues of the PMI magazine on handling gaps in perception. I hope this can help me when I find the time to read it.

But I guess I do need a vacation. I never had a vacation leave since the start of the year. The key on working effectively is to seek for a balance between life and work. These days I feel that I am the odd man out. So I attach a mind map on treating your self right. It is supposed to help find time from a stressed out life by doing some things you enjoy. Good to heed the advise to be fresh and continue to have the energy and sanity to fight the battles at work.