Day Tripper

I still have not enrolled in the writer’s classes that are scheduled in February. I have been busy catching up on my reading and watching movies borrowed from the library. I am also in transition, mainly at the office where my team completed a project in December, resolved several major issues on the warehouse system I was working on the past 3 years and continuing on another major project regarding inventory levels. The last project on inventory has been taking a lot of my time, involving technical skills which I need to brush up especially on the Oracle database, batch jobs and other highly technical stuff; work that I am engaged in as an analyst. But since last year I am moving towards a project management role and 2013 will be no different when I assume another position managing small program changes – sort of like a mini-project manager. This is a management role as compared to an analyst role, something that I had been doing four years ago in Singapore although I had both management and analyst roles combined.

As part of my training, I have been reading many emails and attending meetings to get acquainted with the actors in the new job. Overall it’s not difficult but requires a lot of personal interactions which I like. In fact the task is heavy on administrative and management with only brief requirements on specific functional expertise and analysis. This brings back memories of the support function I used to do with the boss man in Singapore but without the aggravation. The assignment requires organizing meetings and following up deliverables so this means I must be more organized and efficient to be able to do my vocation well. In fact, the job will be a combination of analyst role and management with me juggling 2 separate chores. But I look forward to the challenge because it removes boredom and requires a move away from the internal thinking that marks the work of analysis. This is a true role of a manager although at a lesser scale. It is also a subtly powerful one if done correctly.

Other challenges in 2013 are my Toastmaster experience where I am nominated for Area Governor, another role that requires interpersonal relations and communication. I am working on my DTM award which is the highest level that one can achieve. I have been fairly active in Toastmaster, doing speeches and helping out in the registration last Saturday in the district leadership training seminar, driving to the conference after a day of sleet and ice in the road. The news reported 500 automobile mishaps last Friday which I avoided by working from home, evading any accidents the next day when I drove to the conference late in the morning. I stayed until noon, whereupon I went to the gym and swam for 30 minutes, did some shopping in the Asian store, coming home by 3:00 pm to watch ‘Warm Springs’ - an inspiring movie about FDR. I realized during the weekend one’s loneliness without the kids, studying in college. In these poignant moments, I think of my parent who I hope can travel this year to see me and my brother’s families.

One achieves a certain grace through experience and achievement, plus detachment from the events at work; but still my mind cannot avoid being empty which is the best state to write. Instead delves into churning thought, keeping itself busy. Last Thursday, I attended a short seminar called ‘Transform Your Life’, inspiring me to write a speech for Toastmaster. Still, despite my reading of Werner Erhard, Joseph Campbell and Eckhart Tolle, I am not successful in being a serious writer, preferring procrastination to actual work. FDR was an inspiration, rising above polio to be president, as I watched the movie last weekend, thinking that his physical ailment forced a change, similar to a writer who turned to writing after losing her job, her circumstances pushed her to blogging and eventually becoming a published author. Perhaps an external event is needed to push me that I realized I had been lucky, escaping numerous auto mishaps in the Philippines and enjoying a relatively easy life, travelling, reading and indulging in my passions. But age and the loneliness of life can move one forward; I am like the character in the graphic novel ‘Day tripper’ who needs to understand that death maybe in the corner for one to truly live.
 

Literary Upcountry

Last Tuesday I attended a talk by local author George Singleton, a prolific writer with several short stories and novels under his belt. He is an intriguing contrast to the previous speaker, Dot Jackson who completed a well-regarded book though not as prodigious as Singleton. Singleton is one of those natural writers, seemingly capable of producing works like water spilling out from a faucet, speaking at a rapid pace especially when reading his books to a rapt audience. He made an interesting remark when he spoke about writing; how his work improved when he shifted from the third-person to the first-person point of view, an advice given by his creative writing teacher in high school. It was like a revelation according to him, freeing him from whatever constricted his voice, allowing him to burst forth into an inventively hilarious form of narrative, sort of like a folksy common sense humor that Mark Twain is famous for but with a more Southern bent.

Singleton speaks the way he writes, like an exuberant fountain that naturally discharges words into elegant sentences then forming into humorous tales. I borrowed a book of short stories displayed in a table, reading the first few sentences, attracted by the elegant and deceptively Southern style of narrative. His work is entertaining but lacks the sarcasm and biting commentary of Mark Twain, a majestic voice when compared to Singleton. But Singleton has the same wit, describing Southern characters and situations like Flannery O’Connor, but without the morbidity and Gothic humor. This seems to be his charm, a combination of Mark Twain and Flannery O’Connor, delivered in a modern tone like a lesser Salinger. But Singleton can really write; the way his words flow and how the story unfolds; a natural story teller but without substantive heft. One is entertained but one wonders if his time is better spent reading Cormac McCarthy, where one is left with his soul opened to a new reality.

Admittedly, I have not read a lot of Singleton’s works, just judging (which I should not do) from his talk, the two stories he read plus the few paragraphs I browsed from the borrowed book. Of course, one feels envy with the ease with which he seems to have when writing. In fact, one seems to note that he expresses his personality in his books; he is the narrator in the way he speaks in real life, as opposed to Dot Jackson who said that someone took over her when she was scribbling her book ‘Refuge’. But both writers are similar in the way a writer’s personality expresses itself; there is a completeness that one notices, a fullness of spirit. One wonders if the person evolved because of the writing or did the writing evolve because of the person? In other words - does one develop the person first: read many books, have many life experiences, travel and explore the world? Writing sensations like Emily Bronte or Jane Austen seem to belie this assumption and contrary to the teachings of Werner Erhard.

Tonight I will attend another library event which I hope will answer that question, the session entitled ‘Transform your Life: Become Who You Are and Live Your Whole Life.’ According to Erhard, one should just BE, becoming in one instant the writer that one can be, similar to Eckhart Tolle’s edict to live in the moment, and focus on the task at hand, instead of having the mind float away to achieve some future goal, attending numerous seminars to become SOMEONE. One does not BECOME by attending all these seminars because one already IS. At work, one does not have existential angst, one just jumps into the fray, accepting any challenges that come along, to make a living, to stay on top of the heap and learn on the job. Of course, Hemingway and Dot Jackson became writers after being reporters and learning the craft while George Singleton just BECAME the writer he wanted to be. But at least he had a creative writing instructor in high school.

Erhard teaches that one attends seminars or talks not because one should expect a transformation but one attends because of WHO one is. It’s the consequence of one’s context not in the striving for something. A contradiction since Erhard made a lot of money attracting people to attend his seminars only to tell them that they are already are who they want to be. The goal is to change one’s perceptions, to reverse the expectations from reading, travelling, watching and attending to achieve a certain state. Instead one acknowledges that one enjoys the multitudes gained from reading, watching and so on because of who he is: someone who enjoys input and ‘drinking from a fire hose’. Therefore one falls back on Tolle who advises to live for the moment and to focus on the task at hand. Learning craft is important because it’s a necessity like learning to drive and nothing else. One is not thinking and one need to ‘drink less from the fire hose’ if one wants to accomplish something. Perhaps it’s more a challenge to be mature and responsible.

Campbell as Mystic

Joseph Campbell is the type of teacher one would read if one has travelled to many countries, experienced different cultures and religions and would like to get an understanding of the things he had seen. He seemed to be that gifted teacher who happened to be at the right time at the right place, meeting the right person. Based on his biography, he has travelled extensively in the Orient to countries like India, Japan and China with the appropriate learning in comparative mythology, religion and ancient cultures. He also met people like Krishnamurthy, Carl Jung (possibly even Sigmund Freud), Zen Suzuki, James Joyce, Pablo Picasso and other famous people who could help in his quest to achieve an understanding of world culture and mythology. He is much better than those ancient sages because he brings scientific and empirical methods to his learning. Hence, he is exactly the kind of educator one would read if one has had a similar journey. But it’s a mistake to consider him as one of those mystical teachers like Eckhart Tolle or Krishnamurthy as he has the impeccable background of a scholar and social scientist.

He is more like Werner Erhard, a teacher who strives for scientific and empirical knowledge but steeped in Eastern religion like Buddhism in his effort to teach people self-transformation. But in a significant way, Joseph Campbell is not overtly like Erhard, who strives to make money via his seminars, but more as an educator whose teaching can lead to transformation. Campbell was a big influence to modern filmmakers like George Lucas who structured his epic ‘Star Wars’ on Campbell’s ideas on the hero’s journey. Campbell is also influential to writers who seek to find a theme in their works, by following the arc of the hero’s journey. His ideas are evident in software like ‘Novel Writer’ that helps writers outline a plot following Campbell’s ideas. Significantly, his last interview with Bill Moyer’s was conducted in George Lucas’s Skywalker Ranch in California. I have watched Moyer’s series on Campbell as well as the 3 DVD series ‘Mythos’ which featured his lectures. All these confirm a convergence towards a world culture all the more important today to increase understanding and tolerance.

This morning I read that George Lucas wanted Toshiro Mifune to be Obi Wan Kenobi, being his first choice before he asked Alec Guinness, another actor I also admire. But Mifune would have been a fantastic choice, highlighting a world culture by creating a modern myth in his Star Wars epic.  It’s like we are turning around a circle by combining all these different strands into a global narrative like one of those mandalas that Campbell often shows in his lectures. It’s fitting that I would rediscover Campbell, I writer I read after college, before I travelled extensively in Asia and beyond, but through my book readings was exposed to a wider world in my inner mind. Now I have lived and visited places like Thailand, Japan, China, India, Malaysia, France, Algeria, Singapore and USA, plus observing close hand Indian cultures and religion as well as Buddhism and Islam. I have seen many foreign lands and read many books that re-discovering Campbell is like attending a finishing school where all my travels and learning is better understood for Campbell is a great synthesizer of world culture.

I re-discovered his work when I found Erhard who himself trying to implement the Buddhist teachings of self-transformation via a seminar that is both brutally honest and though provoking. One can say he has created a formula of ‘transcending self’ by provoking a re-assessment of one’s life, by combining elements of philosophy, logic, Buddhism and transcendental meditation plus Western do-it-yourself psychology popular with the self-help movement. Perhaps he is a beneficiary of Campbell’s work by combining elements of East and West to breakthrough one’s self-imposed restrictions. It’s a reflection of a world culture when one combines all this learning to achieve a practical result, which makes such knowledge a dangerous threat to entrenched religions because it breaks boundaries. Perhaps this is why Erhard was prosecuted that he resorted to self-exile. But this action could not be done to Joseph Campbell because he possessed all the academic qualification of the erudite scholar.

Transformative Technology

I have been reading about Werner Erhard after watching his documentary over the internet the other day. It struck me as the next step toward self-transformation. I had heard about est (or Erhard Seminar Training) a long while back but the controversy or noise swirling about est prevented me from studying it further. Instead I studied other forms of techniques like Silva Mind Control, Zen Buddhism,  transcendental meditation, readings about Eastern philosophers like Krisnamurti, Greek classical thought like Stoicism and the basics of Socratic thought (‘know thyself’ or ‘an un-examined life is not worth living’), Confucianism,  Taoism and Edward de Bono (‘six thinking hats’). Furthering the learning process along, one started to write to make sense of the ideas that came swirling in; mostly as diary writing. I had read recently that Obama used to write every day to help in his thinking; hence writing has turned out to be a technology for self-transformation by increasing understanding and improving the quality of thinking. The confusion came when the act of writing was thought to be a start of a creative writing career instead of an act of self-improvement and sanity.

This effort soon evolved by reading the writings of Dale Carnegie and Steven Covey especially his ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’. This became an important part of my development as one strove to achieve a holistic growth of the whole person. Soon this became a foundation for personal growth in addition to regular diary writing which eventually evolved into ‘blogging’. I have experimented with other self- transformative technology like:

• Mind mapping – visual thinking techniques to clarify thoughts and understanding by associations
• Toastmaster – self-help public speaking organization that develops leadership and confidence in speaking
• Blogging – evolution of journal writing into a public forum, initially as a way to learn about new trends in the internet

This drive for self-improvement was driven by my early readings mentioned earlier and evolved with the discovery of thinkers like Edward de Bono, Joseph Campbell and Eckhart Tolle. But I realized that Werner Erhard had taken a further step into developing a technique that extends all the learning of self-development (basically Zen Buddhism) into a program that can be taught to people in a seminar. His aggressive and sometime off-putting ‘in your face’ technique is similar to those Buddhist sages of the past who provoke enlightenment by drastic means. He has termed his work as a ‘technology’ - a tool that can used to transform oneself. Inadvertently I have been heading towards this path with my journal writing (or self-reflection) with the intended effect of clarifying thought plus the addition of mind-mapping. This also led me to ‘cognitive therapy’ which helped me alter my thinking by analyzing stressful situations in my life (especially in Singapore) and reach alternative interpretations. Hence, it was an act of changing one’s perception to events happening to me which is similar to certain teachings of est.

Toastmaster was a further advance as it brought experiential learning into the picture, in a ‘club’ or public setting; where one gets feedback and learns from a group of people, similar to a seminar setting as in est. Studying Werner Erhard brings me full circle by clarifying the objective of self-transformation, it’s the missing link that makes sense of the different strands of my journey, bringing in the collective and experiential learning of Toastmaster, self-understanding via cognitive therapy and journal writing and the clarity of thought brought about by mind mapping and writing, all within the framework of spiritual growth as embodied in Zen Buddhism, although est attempts to remove the mambo jumbo of religion. This is a calculated move to make their teachings acceptable to a secular world but possibly a mistake. Meditation and techniques like Tai chi or yoga are also trans-formative technologies that also change people to become better selves.

This is true trans-formative technology not the electronic or digital kind that is marketed by iPad, iPhone, Android, Windows 8 or cloud technology and so on. Of course, it does make one’s life more efficient and productive by freeing up more time. It provides ‘space’ but perhaps the wrong type of space because without spiritual growth, one is just tempted to fill space with more clutter and distracted activities. It also increases distraction by multiplying the temptation available; hence one is always downloading the latest app or monitoring the latest trends or cool idea. It becomes a rat race where one is ‘keeping up with the Joneses’. Perhaps that has been my problem as I seek to be transformed by all means possible including chemical such as alcohol. These are all external influences which may provide a misguided sense of transformation. Unlike meditation, cognitive therapy, journal writing, Toastmaster and, yes, est which all provide a means towards real transformation. This requires work and diligence unlike the latest digital gadget or app that can be easily purchased or downloaded.

Perhaps this is why digital technology has become a way of life with the popularity of the latest Apple, Google, Microsoft or Amazon product; it masks a real need for spiritual transformation which cannot be obtained in the previous manner – by religion. In other words, the failure of organized religion had made digital technology popular as a fast means to transform one’s life by freeing space through labor-saving techniques. But that is not the answer. Werner Erhard via his est technique moves you away from all sorts of self-delusions (or rackets) including the fixation on digital products. I plan to read more about est to achieve real growth especially as I strive to be a writer. Becoming a writer requires self-transformation by creating a new mind set, to overcome self-doubt and self-inflicted criticism. This cannot be achieved with the latest iPad or the latest book but by a self-disciplined technology like meditation and trans-formative learning like est and Toastmaster.

March of Technology

I am spending the last few days of the year testing old gizmos. It was a way for me to see what was still working and try to revive these gadgets and use them in my quest to be more efficient. I wonder why I still keep them and not throw them away. I have been buying stuff admittedly with no intention to use immediately but in some future when everything is right in my life. After moving to my new home, I feel that I am now at that stage. Old equipment long shuttered because I did not have time to use suddenly can be used because there’s so much space that I can literally unpack theses old gadgets, line them on the floor and figure out their use in my strategy. I have used them in some way or another, then stowed away as obsolescence and new technology marched in to finally seal their demise. But I am a romantic and will try to find a way to revive their use.

Here is the breakdown of the old and used gizmos:

PDAs 
• Casio Cassiopeia (one of the first Windows CE device)
• Sony Clio
• PALM device (one of the first PDA + phone combination)

Cell Phones
• Various Nokia phones (with their own chargers)
• O2 – one of the first Windows mobile phones (screen cracked last year when dropped in a motel in Flagstaff, Arizona after a visit to the Grand Canyon)
• Samsung Galaxy – Android 2.4 smart phone replaces old cellphone +PDA

Camera
• Canon Rebel SLR – old film camera
• Sony – point and click, 3 megapixels
• Panasonic – point and click, 5 megapixels

Video CAM
• Creative mini – video CAM
• JVC camera with DAT tape
• Kodak water proof CAM

E-Reader\Tablet
• Sony e-reader – given to my son but now returned to me due to obsolescence
• Archos 7 inch Android tablet

Presently, I have three old laptops in various states of working order: one Dell and two Acer laptops that I am converting to the test version of Windows 8. Additionally, two Lenovo laptops: one with the latest Windows 8 with touch screen and one provided by the office using Windows NT plus a tiny Lenovo computer connected to my 55 inch HDTV to watch shows in the Internet especially Google TV. I also have an Archos 7 inch Android 2.2 tablet used for general purpose internet surfing. To keep it all together, I use cloud computing services like Google apps and Dropbox to store my documents in the cloud. Essentially I can access any document I want from any device I have. Recently I purchased a used Canon DSLR so I can use the old camera lens and filter I bought together with my old analog camera and I also purchased a new 32 inch television with a camera so I can do video calls using Skype.

Keeping tabs with all these equipment can be confusing; I have spent several moments contemplating their use by multi-tasking with my reading and watching movies. I also surveyed all the other accessories that I have or given to my kids: wireless headphones, game consoles (Sony PS1, PS2 and PS3), phone ear sets (to wirelessly answer and make calls), camera tripods and a Panasonic voice recorder which I aim to use in my writing. I surveyed my plan to make my writing more efficient next year: Dragon Dictation software (for voice to text), microphone headsets, novel-writing software.

This is my writing strategy so far with the equipment I have:

Rough Draft:
• Dragon dictation software
• Panasonic voice recorder
• Two or three laptops that I can use to put the rough draft in writing
• Google document and Google Drive to store my drafts in the cloud
• Various techniques like mind mapping and concepts in the book ‘Writing the Natural Way’
• Join writer’s websites like Red Room to get feedback and criticism

Research:
• Android tablet and television connected to the Internet or with internet apps
• Sony Game consoles for role playing games like LA Noir and Dark Rain to get ideas on storytelling
Self-Development and Craft
• Attend online writing courses like NYC Writing School
• Do writing exercises from self-help books (Sol Stein, Stephen King, Ayn Rand)
• Stick to a regular writing schedule

I have spent too much time procrastinating and I think the new home and surroundings will give me the environment to finally complete my work. I have gathered the hardware, software, attended writing classes and read DIY books, plus practiced writing enough to get the needed confidence. Last night I watched a documentary on Werner Erhard and est training, whose teachings is similar to Eckhart Tolle (a real German) whose main aim is self-transformation principally through the teaching of Buddhism. Aside from the craft of writing, one also needs some deeper understanding of the creative urges and how it becomes a part of one’s life. Erhard came as a surprise as I had been watching Joseph Campbell - a much superior thinker and philosopher – both influential thinkers in the 1970’s and 80s. I am also reading Logicomix a graphic novel about the life of Bertrand Russell – all providing insights in my current undertaking.  In a more immediate level I hope to read Andrew McCarthy’s articles to learn how he came to write his first book which I recently read.

It now seems that I am using technology to gain an advantage or perhaps in today’s age one cannot help but be a technologist because it’s a requirement of the times. The survey of all my gizmos also displays a materialism that one tries to avoid when following Buddhist principles; of Zen and the simple life. But nowadays new technology is like sex, providing a gratifying satisfaction in today’s stressful times. But perhaps it’s a way to get ahead, where being an adept in technology is like being an initiate in some secret teaching like a disciple of est or Tolle or Campbell. This is the link between being a gadget freak (or technologist) and being attracted to self-transformation thinkers – to find meaning in life by obtaining some sort of lead. The timeless solution then in both Christian and Eastern teaching is to live the simple life or a focused life devoted to action; free of useless thoughts. Revelation: I had prided myself in living a simple life but my possessions say otherwise.

Friday Mishap

Leaving Reno on Friday was fraught with mishaps. At the last minute, as I was about to leave the warehouse, I got a call from our software supplier in Ohio. He could not login the server and work on the remaining issue we reported the other day. It was about 10 am Pacific Time and my flight home was 12:30 noon time and I still had to go back to the hotel to complete my packing, check out, return the rental car and check in the airport.  I did not think I could squeeze in the time needed to resolve the server issue in 2 1/2 hours and still meet my flight back. So I left the warehouse thinking or wistfully hopping it was a minor problem, possibly a connection glitch in the Ohio supplier because the warehouse had just printed a few reports earlier in the morning plus the other warehouse back home had not reported any issue. So I drove back to the hotel amidst a bright sunny day, going down the highway with the beautiful bare brown mountains in the horizon as I made my way along the valley.  Classic rock music was playing in the radio.

As I parked my car in the parking lot and walked into the hotel lobby, my phone rang. It was the staff from the warehouse back home. He reported a printing problem so I knew it was a real crisis that will affect all users. I went up my room, packed my things which were not in my bag yet, logged in the network and called my colleague who was the support manager who had left Reno the previous day. I also called the project manager and told him about the problem and asked him if he wanted me to stay for the day and resolve the issue. He said that it was not needed and advised me to catch the flight back. The support manager gave me the same advice after I gave him the run down on the issue. Apparently the server had gone down but needed to be re-booted. So I called the helpdesk 1-800 number, reported the issue, wrote an email with the problem ticket number and sent the mail to the project team. Afterwards, I packed up, left the room and checked out from the hotel.

I got lost going to the airport, turning left on a road near the hotel instead of turning right further ahead. I was lost in Reno without a GPS but found a map in the car to guide me. It was about 11:30 am. Eventually I found my way back to the airport, returned the rental car and rushed inside the airport. I could not find the ticketing counter and thought I could make it to the terminal but I was told to go back and formally check in. I found the ticketing counter and finally checked in after some calls were made to get the system working again as the gate had closed. It was 12:00 noon. I raced back to the security counter, went to the departure gate and just made it into the plane. As I walked to the entranceway of the gate, my phone rang but I did not answer as I made my way to the plane entrance and into my seat. It was the support manager but I could not talk to him being inside the plane and ready for takeoff. I sat back in my chair and continued to read Eckhart Tolle’s ‘The Power of Now.’

In a former life, I would be fraught with anxiety, feeling wrongly that I am personally responsible for fixing the issue and would be fired if I did not work on it until fixed. But it is a different atmosphere here where everyone pitches in to help or take responsibility. In Asia it’s the same, where everyone tries to help too. In fact technical support is much better in Asia. But in the States, everyone is willing to take responsibility even if the technical skills are not as great. Eventually the problem gets resolved which is a testimony to the organizing abilities and take charge attitude over here. So I settled down on my seat and read Tolle – dispelling from my mind the doubts and fears that rise up. Tolle is the best teacher to read during these circumstances as he teaches us to control our mind - the key to peace and serenity. The flight from Reno to Houston took 3 hours and 30 minutes. When the plane landed in Houston, I covered a lot of Tolle but still had a third of the book to read. I called the support manager who was in the midst of a call with the warehouse, trying to resolve the issue. It seems the server was re-booted and the services re-started but there were some remaining problems. But it looked like things where improving and when my phone battery died after a few minutes of conversation, I was not as anxious as before even though the problem was still being fixed.

In Houston airport, I tried a place called Texas barbecue. I had ribs, pork sausage, and sweet potato and Texas beer. The ribs were not good – a warning that the airport is not the best place to sample the region’s dish. The George Bush airport in Houston is a large modern place – perhaps like the new Bangkok airport but without the exotic Asian frills. It’s a good symbol of the large enterprising spirit of Texas – it’s a feeling I derived looking at this monolithic place with modern trains linking the terminals. It’s a much newer airport than Dulles in Washington and LAX in Los Angeles but larger than John Wayne airport in Orange County and Chicago Midway airport. I finally got back home at around 12 midnight local time but still had not finished Tolle. The flight from Houston took about 2 hours and 30 minutes. I had been on the plane for a total of 6 hours. The next day I got a text message from Google voice that said the problem has been resolved but there was some minor issue still to be fixed. I spent the weekend catching up on the movies I wanted to see and the finishing Tolle’s book.

Monday was another nightmare as the problem started all over again. The sites could not login so I had to process their transactions myself. Not a big job but highly stressful considering all the phone calls I needed to take. I missed one important meeting and needed to be re-scheduled. It was a struggle up until the end of the day when most of the major glitches were resolved. Reno warehouse could log in but the one here close by – the biggest in our business - still continues to have problems. The problem continued to the next day where we had to support both warehouses now and again. I attended a few meetings to report on the issues but had plans afoot to fix them.  Hair raising days considering the good times we had at Reno last week. Good times always are a precursor to something bad as some superstitious folks would say. Reflecting on Tolle, one should focus only on the present moment – the NOW. One can do that by being watchful of one’s mind. I had tried to do so during crisis time and I seem to be progressing towards transcending my 'personal life situation'.    

Air Conversion

Whenever I travel to a distant place due to work, I always have this morbid feeling that I will perish in an air crash. Ever since 9/11 this thought has risen to the surface, something that I always tried to keep below consciousness. It is an irrational fear that strikes though fleeting that I can effectively control. The days before the travel are spent trying to keep things in order but I never do explain my affairs to my loved ones in case a tragedy does happen. I used to travel frequently although not in a world class way that some real travelers do. But there was a time when I did travel at least once a month. Depending on the project, there are times when the travel is frequent and times when it is sparse. But I did enjoy those air flights especially during the early year when smoking was allowed in flight and the liquor was free. I had always indulged in wine and brandy during flights on Thai Airways, Singapore Airlines, and JAL.

Since then, austerity and cost cutting have reduced the alcohol while health reasons took away the tobacco. Travel has also been minimized with the latest trend in conference calls and video meetings. But still one cannot take away travel as face to face interactions are always important in projects. So one still travels although one has lost that old thrill of discovering new cities and exploring new cultures and adventures. The excitement has gone away with the free booze and smoking in flights. Now one has a jaded feeling despite living in a new city or country. The only place that still inspires the feeling of romance is the Middle East, Central Asia and remote Tibet and certain places in China and perhaps the historical places of India. But now one must be content with the American cities that one is faced though an experience previously enjoyed vicariously in Hollywood movies and reading books. It is like discovering an old place that one has seen in the screen or re-created in one’s imagination.

Travelling in this trip had given me that feeling that something extraordinary would happen to me. I had attributed this feeling to my infrequent dread riding in airplanes and the possibility of a plane crash. But midway in the flight the old fear faded away despite the person sitting next to me was watching a movie about a plane crash that decimated a town’s football team who were on their way to a school game. The movie is a tale of how the town rose up from that tragedy and thereby healed itself of the loss of the young men in the
crash. But I had brushed away any feeling of dread and read Eckhart Tolle’s ‘The Power of Now’.  As his words crept into my consciousness I knew then that I would experience some sort of conversion up in the sky as I watched the terrain below the plane at about 2100 feet above sea level. I glimpsed the Grand Canyon and the mountains of Utah as the plane made its way to Nevada. I realized that I had to reconstruct myself if I wanted to achieve my goals.

Tolle’s teaching is really not new. It’s something that one would usually read in the Buddhist texts or the teaching of J. Krishnamurthi or the ‘Bhagavad Gita’. But his teachings are expressed in today’s words and context which makes it easier to understand. He is a very intelligent teacher who started out as a distinguished student in Oxford who transcended his earlier academic studies into the realm of spiritual truth. His teaching is actually a story of his own quest and how he had broken through the illusions of daily life similar to the stories of Buddha before he became an enlightened one. ‘The Power of Now’ is simply to focus on the present moment and be alive to all the possibilities of that moment which can only be achieved by silencing the mind. The mind is the culprit that drives us to our follies. Something that I have struggled with all my life. His teaching is to be ‘mindful’ following the mindfulness meditation that spiritual teacher and now mainstream doctors are recommending to manage stress and pain. To live in the now by gently stopping the mind from thinking or just watching the mind flit from thought to thought without judgment and realizing the folly.
 
Travelling to a distant city, living in a hotel alone and eating good food is the ultimate fantasy or illusion. One can either indulge himself with all the temptation that it brings which is what one normally does in these circumstances. Or does one control one’s thoughts and live in the now without allowing the mind to wander and dream all those silly adventures. Reading Tolle was like one’s conscience speaking wise truths before the plane touched down into one of the states that rewards indulgence and excess. Perhaps it is fitting that one experiences some sort of spiritual transformation in this place of gambling, legal prostitution and other distractions readily available. But the transformation is profound because focusing on the 'NOW' frees up ‘space’ as one’s mind is no longer filled with thoughts, fears and anxieties. Instead one has the opportunity to cultivate one’s authentic presence.

These trips have always been something like a transformative experience for me. Initially it was the discovery of the new that drove me despite its bent towards indulgence and wistful fantasies. But after many years of travel, one does not change much. It is the inner journey as Tolle said that makes the difference. One must understand the limitation of the outward journey while one must undertake self-discovery as the true aim. Heady stuff especially reading these words up in the clouds with the thoughts of dying in a crash close at hand. It’s enough to convert perhaps the most jaded of hedonist like Prince Jeffri of Brunei who is estimated to have spent billions in sinful extravagance. I am reading an article about him in Vanity Fair. I had brought the magazine together with Tolle’s book and Harold Bloom’s ‘How to Read a Book’. Before travelling I had watched a clip on writing which I had wanted to do for a long time and which I crammed on Saturday night because of my trepidation on my next day's travel.

Stopping thoughts does not necessarily mean one should not do self-reflection - being another form of thought. I guess there are constructive thoughts as well as destructive thoughts. I examined my current life in this new land, with new places and new people and work experiences so much different from my old life in Asia. Sometimes I have tried to cope by reading more books or watch more movies or more travel – is it to be a better writer or is it the mind with its constant need for churning? I realized that it was the latter. One must be careful of the activities that one engages in - in pursuit of a skill because the mind can take control and bring it forward to unwanted experiences, self- justifying itself until one is old and grey and realizes the folly of his past life. In this land of abundance, one must be careful and Tolle’s work is a welcome guidance. Organized religion like Christianity is still providing the tire old words though still relevant like the immediacy of the present.  Tolle is a welcome spiritual teacher in today’s world.

My Reading Life

Pat Conroy’s book is an exuberant re-telling of his life as a reader and writer. His love of book reading led to his craft of writing. He considers himself a ‘southern writer’ – a label his mother first gave him as she was born in Georgia. There are chapters on great books which he feels are important to read: ‘Gone with the Wind’, ‘Anna Karenina’ and ‘War and Peace.’ I have read none of these works but intend to someday in my own quest to be writer. Pat Conroy mentions that one will be a different person after reading these books. This is a theme on several of his chapters on the power of books to transform one’s life. He undertook to read as many books as he can to transition himself into being an author. Along his journey are great teachers and book sellers, of living in interesting places like Beaufort – South Carolina, Atlanta - Georgia, Paris - France and Asheville – North Carolina.

These are interesting places to grow up into a writer. The book is similar to Larry McMurtry’s ‘Books: a memoir’ and ‘Literary Life.’ It is basically a story by writers who credit books with their success as an author. Pat Conroy is more ‘literary’ in the sense that he makes wonderful sentences but in need of editing. But it was a thoroughly enjoyable account of the writer’s young life. An author he particularly likes is Thomas Wolfe and he writes about visiting his home in Asheville, North Carolina. I enjoyed Wolfe’s work as well like ‘Look Homeward, Angel’ and like Pat Conroy, struck by the elegance and density of the book’s first sentences. I also visited Wolfe’s home last year but could barely recall the passages or story lines after having read his works in my youth. I do recall some of the book scenes but preferred the works of Ernest Hemingway with his clear, short sentences and action packed plots.

Larry McMurtry and Pat Conroy struggled with their demons on the road to becoming writers. Both speak about depression, failed marriages, difficult lives in their youth especially Pat Conroy with his abusive father. Conroy is also a good humorist seeing humor and irony in situations he finds himself in. He has an artistic mentality – striving for elegance in his flowery words. McMurthy on the other hand is more like a professional writer who strives to write as many books as one can in an efficient manner. Actually I have not read their creative fiction books but enjoyed their memoirs. But I do enjoy the file adaptations of their work: ‘The Last Picture Show’, Terms of Endearment' and ‘Hud’ for McMurtry and ‘The Great Santini’, ‘The Water is Wide’ and ‘Prince of Tides’ for Conroy. Both authors have a good record of having their books converted into popular films. I guess one can say that both writers are more famous for the film adaptations of their books than the books themselves.

One sees that one becomes aware of himself in his evolution towards being a writer. It’s a question of achieving one’s identity. This awareness seems to be achieved through deep reading, writing and reflection, travel and living in different places.  In one’s own situation, one can say that one has read a significant number of books, done regular self-  reflections via journal writings, traveled a bit (China, Thailand, Japan, India, Malaysia) and lived in different places: Philippines, Singapore and South Carolina – USA. I guess one can claim to have the ingredients of a writer’s experience but only recently has one studied the craft of creative writing. This brings us to the lessons of Eckhart Tolle in his book ‘New Earth.’ The key is not over thinking or the accumulation of outer forms or experiences but in self-awareness and consciousness though not in a literal or verbal sense. Achieving this special awareness results in space because one’s mind no longer contains the chattering voice.

According to Tolle, the way to self-actualization is the inner journey. It does not square with the life journey of writers like McMurtry or Conroy. Perhaps a balance between inner and outer forms is needed. The benefit is the networking that one achieves by meeting other writers and creative people. Thomas Wolfe would not be successfully without the help of Maxwell Perkins his editor. Hence, awareness can only be achieved with the inner journey and the outer journey’s role is to serve as the way to get published by networking with creative people and would-be publishers. Perhaps another benefit is to learn the craft plus tools like visual thinking or writing worksheets or word processing software. Learning these outer forms will help one be on the way but one cannot learn about the true essence via eternal means. Awareness via inner knowledge maybe the starting point achieved with the lessening of one’s noisy mind.

New Earth

Eckhart Tolle’s book ‘New Earth’ is a welcome vision for today’s world. It provides an update to the spiritual teachings of modern day gurus like (late) Krishnamurthy or Dalai Lama. It moves beyond the spiritual and quotes work from science as well as modern writers like Jean-Paul Sartre and concepts like existentialism. He also focuses on modern psychological ideas like the ego. So it is a mix or fusion of various disciplines into a modern and coherent message that is relevant for today’s stressful people. He makes the case that ego is the main culprit in today malaise. Quoting French Cartesian philosophy ‘I think therefore I am’, he points out that this is the start of the ego’s rise that inevitably results in mental dysfunction or delusional thinking. According to him, one does not ‘think’ but that thinking just happens like digestion. It is a function of the body. Hence, thinking is just one small facet of a person’s total consciousness.

The problem arises when one equates thinking as the representation of the person himself. This results in self-created ‘concepts’ that one fashions to explain himself. He identifies with his thinking in the brain but it’s just the ego trying to expand its importance. This results in delusional thinking and alienation because one is not the thinking brain. It’s too small to explain the totality of a person.  Thinking is just a biological impulse that must be recognized as what it is – a minor component of a person’s consciousness.  A person’s consciousness is composed of many things – his spiritual nature, his emotional nature, sociological aspects and so on. Thinking otherwise is just folly. Writing here now is not an expression of me, or my thinking self but an exercise in abstract symbolic expression. I am expressing myself here now not to define myself but to respond to certain biological or psychological urges.

Listening to a New York Times science feature on addiction, the research shows that addiction (to drugs or alcohol or sex) has no moral connotations. It is a misbalance of the body that responds to a predilection to endorphins or other such hormones that produce a certain high. Controlling addictions is resolved by taking medicine not attending counseling or psychiatric or religious sessions. Counseling tries to make the thinking mind dominant and forces the mind to resolve biological problems. The recent research on addiction seems to be consistent to Tolle’s view that the thinking mind is just the ego at work. Taking medication for addiction is following Tolle’s view but a transformation of consciousness is also a valid alternative. This means the transformation of consciousness will give enlightenment to the individual but not in the intellectual or logical sense. It is in the spiritual arena where faith is the answer - not words or thinking or logical constructs.

According to Tolle, the disappearance of ego results in masterful performances – where the person forgets himself and just immerses himself in the act. When one is conscious of himself then the performance becomes mediocre. One can be a technical virtuoso by being a technical master but he will not rise to excellence if he is always thinking about himself. This lesson is applicable to golf (or any sport for that matter) where one should stop his thinking and go with the flow. Over thinking is often the bane of great golfers and the solution is just to forget everything and have a good time. Hence, one loses the ego and ‘becomes’ himself with unselfconscious performance.  The churning mind is the culprit especially when the person identifies with his thinking. The golf swing is a function of the body, age, feeling as well as the mind so one must remove ‘thinking’ as the only means to play better. In fact ‘over thinking’ may affect one’s body and overall feeling (i.e. no confidence) to the detriment of the game.

How to apply the lessons to creative writing? One must remove the ego from the writing process and just write. Journal or diary writing focuses on the person. Moving to creative writing is a change in mental gears.  The take away of a diarist is the exercise of writing as a skill not as a thinking process. Journal writing is more often an act of self-reflection that can also feed the ego. The ego is the hero of a journal but self-reflection reduces the role of the ego by providing a larger perspective.  Hence, journal writing is a therapeutic device not a creative writing exercise. Moving to creative writing – one can mistake the ego as being the hero of the novel. This is the seductive allure of Hemingway’s work that one loses sight of the craft of creative writing. To be good in creative writing means losing one’s ego like in golf. The novel is not about the diarist but a different set of characters that one must bring to life.

Like in other endeavors, overthinking is the killer of one’s goal. Eckhart Tolle attempts to remove overthinking by reducing the role of the ego via self-transformation. Perhaps this is also the solution to being a creative writer – to remove the role of the ego in the creative process. One does not strive to write the great Asian or American Novel and be rich and famous like Hemingway. It’s the ego trying to achieve recognition but hamstrings any sincere attempt to write. With the ego dominant in the mind, there is no progress. Perhaps this is the true cause of writer’s block.  The technical skill of writing or expression in language exists plus the craft of creative writing but the disappearance of ego is needed, too. Unless one is writing an autobiography or other forms of non – creative fiction then perhaps one needs the ego as well.

This is a strange conclusion considering that some great writers do have outsized egos. Just look at Winston Churchill or Ernest Hemingway.  Maybe a healthy ego is really needed to exist as a writer not as a component of creative writing. Removing the ego will make the act truly professional. The removal of ego means a removal of one’s emotions and sentimentality. The result is a disciplined and no-nonsense act of structured creativity. One cannot be a great editor if one is emotional. Great writers are actually great editors which require one to be ruthless in one’s own work – to discard and start over again if the novel does not come out right.  Hence, one can have a healthy ego in one’s personality but no ego at all in the act of creative fiction. This is the only conclusion that one can get. After all, Eckhart Tolle is striving for a transformation of the individual’s consciousness to be better human being - not a better writer. With humility, one can be a better person and perhaps a better writer as well.

Concept of Self

Last night I watched an Eckhart Tolle seminar. I borrowed the DVD from the library. It was a seminar held in the Findhorn retreat, a place somewhere in Scotland. He talked about the ‘conceptual self’ and how the thoughts in the mind churn around this ‘conceptual self.’  Sometimes one’s ‘conceptual self’ engages with another’s ‘conceptual self.’ An interesting idea and I think that my failures to connect to other people in the past are due to my inability to understand their ‘conceptual self.’ I guess I have my own ‘conceptual self’ that I cultivate that also clashes with the ‘conceptual self’ of others. Tolle claims that this results in modern day conflicts.

I tried to align these spiritual views with the movie I was watching; the excellent HBO series on John Adams. It would be difficult I think for the independence struggle and eventual revolution to occur if people follow the ‘conceptual self’ philosophy. There were other concepts being fought such as republicanism, federalism, state rights and so on. I guess it’s only now when one has achieved a modern evolution of the state can one attempt a more advanced transcendence of the self. I think ‘conceptual self’ is needed in competitive environments where one needs to struggle to survive. Otherwise, the ‘conceptual self’ of stronger opponents will prevail. Tolle’s philosophy can only survive in an ideal world where basic rights are guaranteed.

But applying the philosophy to each individual may have some merit. For instance, someone with an insatiable curiosity and a large capacity for new things maybe masking a ‘conceptual self’ that looks for external enlightenment. In fact, internal stillness is the answer where one looks inward into himself to find enlightenment. Tolle says that meditation is but one method which maybe discarded later on when stillness is achieved. It is this attraction towards external ‘forms’ that waylay the individual. It maybe the beautiful forms in museums, or movies, a turn of a phrase in great novels and so on that drive people to claim experiences when one is actually fulfilling the urges of a ‘conceptual self’. Tolle want people to understand that the ‘conceptual self’ is not you. Adding experience, skills and adventures will not help achieve inner awareness.

One’s dream of winning the Wimbledon tennis tournament or being rich and famous as an award winning actor or other such imaginings is an event in the future that prevents people from experiencing the ‘now’. For instance, reading too many books, watching DVDs and numerous travels will not make one a writer. It is really stopping and achieving internal stillness that one learns. Perhaps this will help them achieve or even discard their dreams. These dreams which is really a chasing of ‘forms,’ to achieve the striving of one’s ‘conceptual self’. So instead of focusing on the task that needs to be done now; one is forever chasing ‘forms’ whether it’s new books, travels, DVDs or what have you. Perhaps Tolle is the answer towards curing procrastination.
  

This is not to mean that one should avoid gaining or improving one’s skills. But one should not get lost in the striving to get external skills that he or she is lost in the true goal. Perhaps being a writer also means achieving internal stillness; to learn more about oneself rather than seeking external ‘forms.’  Perhaps this does not only concern writers but every other profession that require solitude and creativity or maybe all professions as well. Internal knowledge removes the ‘conceptual self’ that often leads to mental confusion. This increases focus by gaining stillness and ‘a silent mind.’ According to Tolle, one naturally becomes oneself without effort and naturally just ‘be’. I think it’s a good path for a writer as well but without neglecting the exercise and gaining of essential skills. It’s the path of the Bronte sisters or Jane Austen rather than Hemingway.

Nudge

Last weekend I watched the George Clooney movie, ‘Up in the Air.’ Its good entertainment, basically about a dismal subject on the recession made cute. The performances from the three main characters were good. I liked the female lead so much that I bought one of her old films from the Internet. In fact, I bought 3 used DVD movies from Half.com. It’s a good site to buy second hand stuff. I did a lot during the weekend again, going through books, movies and music CDs. I think I watched 6 movies, skimmed 4 books, 2 music CDs and 4 magazines. I also had time to watch the Celtics game against Orlando Magic on Saturday night.

It’s been a while since the Celtics have dominated the series. I think the last time was with Larry Bird. I always loved watching the Lakers against the Celtics especially with Larry Bird and Magic Johnson. I think the Celtics now have a chance to dominate the series again with their new lineup. My kids also started watching basketball especially since we play now and again in the gym and after watching a live game in the Atlanta stadium with the Atlanta Hawks against the Lakers. The kids watched the European soccer finals last Saturday where Milan beat Munich. I am glad the kids have focused on sports since coming here to help adapt. Sports are like a secular religion in this country.

From the books I have read lately, 2 major ideas stand out for me. One is from Eckhart Tolle. He said a sign of spiritual advancement is a silent mind, when all the mindless chattering has ceased. He also said one cannot find oneself by adding new skills or experiences but one should search from within. Good timeless advice mentioned by all great Buddhist writers and spiritual leaders but somehow made simpler to understand by Tolle. The advice on silencing the mind works in myriad areas like playing golf, making a speech or participating in meetings. For me, my mind keeps jumping around with thoughts during these occasions that I have to willfully suppress my mind to succeed in these tasks.

Managing and controlling the mind is avoiding the ‘mental disease’ that afflicts people in their hectic lifestyle. But in fact it looks like I am willfully seeking to stress my mind with all my reading and movie watching crammed in the weekend. It’s like my mind is unconsciously seeking to prevent me from doing the things I like such as writing a book or playing golf. Perhaps it’s the dying reaction of the ‘monkey mind’ that is grasping for survival. The ‘monkey mind’ is also the enemy of investors as it seems to promote day trading with constant changes in positions. One should write a book called the Buddhist investor as a way to silence the mind when investing.

With these tasks, a silent mind can only be achieved if one has mastered the mechanical efforts needed to excel in these tasks. For example, practicing one’s golf swing, writing via journaling or other writing exercises, gaining financial literacy before investing, participating in Toastmasters and so on. Educating and practicing oneself in the foundation of each task help reduce mental chatter when one begins the real task: playing golf, writing a book, speaking in public or investing in the stock market. Education, practice or actual experience and mental control (achieved through spiritual study, reflection and meditation) are perhaps the secret of success. Constant practice some would say is the key – about 10,000 hours as some books suggest – before one achieves expertise. I guess this practice will help quiet the ‘monkey mind.’

Subsequently, recent books on behavioral economics point to mental mistakes. Books like ‘Nudge’ advocate ways to ‘nudge’ people by creating a ‘choice architecture’ that lead people to make sensible decisions. People are divided into those that make automatic intuitive decisions and those that make reflective (even counter intuitive) decisions. Most people make intuitive decisions that don’t make sense so ‘choice architecture’ help one make better ones. For example, default options that automatically opt in employees into retirement plans. This book points to cognitive errors while Tolle talks about reflection and mental chatter. Survival in modern life means recognizing and reducing cognitive errors plus self-reflection and meditation to silence the mind.

Weekend Madness

Yesterday there was an attempted bombing in New York. The news was in CNN. During the weekend, I watched DVDs about the US invasion of Panama, the Clinton years and an autobiography of writer Norman Mailer. Mailer’s biography featured scenes of the sixties, the political protest and assassination of King and the Kennedy brothers. Then last night I listened to a compact disc of Eckhart Tolle. The CD was entitled ‘The Sun will also die.’ It was based on an interview done with Tolle at the exact day of the September 11 attack. So there were questions about the terrorist attack of that day.

It was a good lecture to listen to especially with the other DVDs I watched during the weekend plus the troubling event in New York. Tolle said that there’s a dysfunction in modern life and all these events are signs of a mental disease. He was not surprised with the attack considering all the terrible events of the century; for example, two world wars, Korea and Vietnam and so on. So he said the key is to transform human consciousness. He was not saying anything new as he was emphasizing transformation via meditation and reflection. The secret is to achieve mental stillness. According to the Wikipedia article, Tolle belongs to the teaching ‘stream’ of people like Krisnamurti.

I discovered Tolle when I read an article on him in the New York Times. The article was about his seminars in the Ohpra Winfrey show. I like the article so I searched for his works in the library and ended up with this CD. I hope to read more about his books and learn his ideas. There were some passages in the CD that was insightful specifically for my situation. He said that one cannot find oneself by going out and adding things like skills, attending seminars and so on. One should go within to find oneself. He says that going out and attending seminars, seeking new skills, etc. is fine as long as one does not seek to find himself in all this external activities. In fact, one should strive for more meditation to still the mind especially the thinking process.

It was a good reminder to me and a return somewhat to the ideas of Krisnamurthi and transcendental meditation – ideas I had explored in college. It was a welcome reminder after my mad dash to read books and attend seminars and so on in the past few weeks. He said that you will never be what you want to be by doing all these external activities. One should go inward and still the mind to discover oneself. One is not one’s thoughts. I guess I can say that my educational quest is more to gain skills: in writing, in investing and in public speaking. I know who I am and it is the challenge to have the courage to express myself in an authentic manner.

Applying his ideas in investing would point to being a passive investor. So Buddhist or TM practitioners are long term, buy and hold investors who avoid the churning of the mind brought about by day trading or active investment or watching CNBC. I guess these people are not ‘bobo’s or bourgeois bohemians as the new young, educated and wealthy elite are now called. But perhaps these people are exactly the same ones who buy Tolle’s books and make him famous. Strange that I started with investment guru Larry Swedroe who promotes passive investment and end up with Eckhart Tolle who seem to provide the spiritual basis for passive investors.