Crossing a Threshold

I feel that I have overcome major obstacles recently, though I am not sure what. Perhaps it was the start-up presentation, the recent completion of a project or the good progress of others. Perhaps it is the recognition that I have considerable experience in what I do. Also being assigned to a significant undertaking is another step up. A lot of work lies ahead, and it would be a long journey for one undertaking, and it would be the first time such a major task that I would lead.

Perhaps it is the stillness of my mind due to meditation or mindfulness or just old age that I meet these new challenges with calmness. A recent podcast in 'The Art of Manliness' talked about the expansion of time, where time seems to expand during a traumatic event even if the actual activity took only a few seconds. Young people seem to enjoy this 'slowness' of time while middle-aged people seem to wonder how time flies. However, the time can be 'expanded' by meditation, which I agree.

The work environment also has a sober atmosphere, not driven by confusion or unwarranted urgency; where challenges are not dealt with panic or finger pointing, which I had in my previous department. It was a toxic place that brought out the panic mode of my character, contributing to churning thoughts and anxiety. I feel that I am in the company of more intelligent and professional colleagues that I count on to help me and watch my back. 

The character of our boss is the main reason for this state of affairs as he stays above the fray and gives his team freedom to handle the project being worked on. This confidence and his down-to-earth demeanor, plus his competency, brings out the best of us. The only obstacle is my own nature, where I like to grandstand and speak out of competitiveness to be noticed and recognized. The best thing I could do is to shut up and listen and speak only when asked.

This is the best circumstance where one could grow and thrive. I have finally arrived at a place where I could prosper, with the right people who are smart and intelligent and where I could learn something new, not in a competitive way but in a relaxed, loving environment. For sure, I have to keep growing, to learn new subjects and new skills, to change my normal inclination to talk and be more thoughtful in my response and measured in my response.

The days of being a swashbuckling super hero are long gone, mainly because of my role, my age, my circumstances and the demands of my role. Recently my thoughts were filled with memories past: my time in Singapore, in the old company in Alabang, of past friends and acquaintances. Facebook is filled with pictures of former classmates, co-workers, friends, and places. I posted yesterday pictures of a race I competed in, running amongst green fields as if I was a youngster.

I also started to relive past projects, past successes and victories as I looked in my old computer files as I got a new laptop. Past events that had escaped my mind as I was assigned a new project with old colleagues on a system, and I had managed for a long time, about 4 or 5 years ago, before COVID and the change to Lean and Agile. It was as if I had returned back in time to relive past victories and reclaim some of the magic of youth when everything seemed possible.

Shared Consciousness

Last week, I presented my project at the weekly meeting of the management team. I was anxious but kept my focus, maintaining focus and calm instead of my usual distraction and escape via day dreaming. Mindfulness and meditation kept me aware without succumbing to rumination and doomsday thinking. This was not a difficult task since I have been a Toastmaster for over a decade and had my share of public speaking assignments. It was the presence of upper management that gave me stress.

However, I did not waver, keeping my wits and speaking my spiel at the right tempo, though I was not able to answer the questions from the audience. Still, I did get help from some of the attendees. It was a good presentation despite my impression that I should have done better. I had several other meetings during the week where I led the discussions and also did well; voicing my views and leading the sessions. I am already too old to still feel these jitters despite my experience and training.

Yesterday, we had another get together with my friends, though I still feel alienated from the group despite our long relationship and friendships. I have never been comfortable in these settings and prefer drinking sessions with vigorous discussion of timely topics instead of the silliness and self-righteousness of these gatherings, feeling superior to others without understanding the realties of life; focusing on trivialities and materialism. Nevertheless, the food is always good, though I overeat and have to struggle to lose weight in the next few days.

I realize that my thoughts of superiority, to be above their silliness, is also vain exercise; feeling like I am better than them, but I may be the worse of the lot, and thinking too much instead of enjoying the moment. I still feel angry about some office politics and intrigue with some so-called 'friend' who distorts the topic behind my back, corrupting the friendship of my other friends, making me feel the outsider though I do not accept that I am at fault.

The mix of work and friendship is never good, especially if there is envy and competition and delusions put into the mix. But fortune has swung my way and I feel that I am in a good place, able to do my work, surrounded with good colleagues who are young and smart and energetic with a fair and good boss with good projects assigned to me that I feel I am finally thriving. Last week's presentation is a further step forward, away from the turmoil and bad management of the past.

In fact, my former department seems to be in turmoil with delayed projects, production issues, and the departure of key people plus significant reorganization. My department is also undergoing changes, though in a good way, with delivery of new application features, learning new techniques and growing our skills. I feel more confident in my schedule and leading meetings and getting things done whereas my former colleagues seem stuck in the same toxic environment.