Coming Back to Oblivion

Last week I had a tough meeting where my proposal was proven to be not good plus my approach to the current project may not be the right one. I pivoted and agreed to follow the proposed process, trying to show non-nonchalance and that I could swiftly change course if that was the way to go. The director that  is following up on this project seems to like my approach so I am confident that I am not in a bad path though some adjustment maybe feasible to maintain good rapport with my colleagues. My boss seems to agree with me but he defers to the young lady who is quite driven and smart and likely in the right.

During the scheduling of this meeting I tried to bring another young colleague to join but he is perpetually postponing meetings that I invite him to. I think he is either insecure of joining meetings because he has nothing to contribute, he is really busy on his project but unfortunate, not updating his calendar. At any rate, he sometimes is a pain in the ass but one should keep encouraging as he is young and much to learn and grow. He seems to be a good friend with the young lady and good to keep supporting them in in their good graces. I am not emotionally intelligent (EQ) so sometimes I miss social signals.

I also attended another party with my friends and I am getting tired of too much of these social sessions. The party was fun but getting to be tedious with guest taking turns singing karaoke, eating having conversations and having a good time. The other week was lunch and dinner at my friends house setting up a pergola and the week before was a wedding. Despite these social activities in the weekend, I go get to work on my project painting my back yard patio. We did miss a children's party today as we did not feel like attending as I had to continue painting and my wife seem not interested since it was for kids. Nevertheless, my other friends joined to show support as likely they had nothing to do.

My mind was churning with thoughts in the past week, causing some sleepless nights which I tried to address by listening to Gregorian chants or binaural beats to put me to sleep. Irrational thoughts driven by the meeting in the office where I think people are ganging up on me, feeling sorry for myself for not being better at EQ, thinking of plots and plans against me. Now with the social commitments that we neglect due to our personal projects, I feel further anxiety that our friends will cut ties as a previous conflict with another friend is again making me think that my friends are ganging up on me as well.

I wonder if the close election race, the misinformation and lies are also turning my head in these environment of divisiveness. It is as if the world is hurling forward to destruction, causing conflicts in the office and home; people siding with others to fight against another, of dealing with lies and subterfuge instead of discussing face to face in the light of day. Too much thinking is the bane of modern life; driven by pressures at home and at work that one wonders is sinking into oblivion without unwanted attention is the best remedy.

    

Coming Close

The election is approaching, and I feel anxious and concerned about the outcome. I know I should not let these external events stress me, following the mantra, one should not worry about events beyond one's control and just focus on what really affects and concerns you. I can't help it being a nerd with years of reading about US politics and elections and not that one is confronting historical events after reading books by Anne Applebaum that foretell the rise of autocracy. Then again I do overthink and let circumstances affect me without reason.

Last week was a good week with my interaction in a group chat with our division director; where I posted a comment requesting a budget after a domain manager reached out to me. I am not really the project manager as this is not really a formal project but I had to respond because I was the de facto or acting PM. Besides this is a chance for me to show what I can do after the events that transpired in the last year where my capability was being questioned by my former supervisor and platform manager. I feel that I am being seen in a new light due to my actions in the recent months.

Last week I finished a course in Gen AI for PM from the PMI organization which was very informative and useful. I believe I am the first who has attended this course and my boss encouraged me to talk about what I had learned in our weekly meeting. Encouraging comments from my colleagues gave me confidence in sharing this experience with other groups by posting about these seminars in several Team's channels in Europe and USA in this area. I got few likes on my post but it was a good gesture to inform my network that I am in my new post and learning the latest technology.

This progress plus my interaction with our division director where I focused on responding to his questions I had my usual doubts about what to say but I stated the facts and got a good response. My mind kept jumping around mainly because of my new post and last year's events but I got my confidence back. Yesterday my friends and I met to help out in putting up a pergola as well as having a great lunch and dinner after the work has been done. My former supervisor was there and I showed my mettle by talking to others and showing that I had moved forward. I am a bigger person by letting old wounds lie and just moving ahead.

Amid all these work and personal events, I am working on my patio; painting the ceiling and putting up plastic covers, covering the uneven surfaces with speaking, spraying primer, and paying the ceiling twice. I have never done this type of work so I overcame my usual doubts and just went ahead with what I thought was the right thing to do with my previous experience painting my house and my dad's house in Lods Angeles way back when I was in college. I have come a long way and if I just keep my wits with me and not succumbing to panic and overthinking, I will get through and keep his sanity.

Watching John Ford

As a latecomer to John Ford's films, one is surprised at the sophistication and technical excellence of his films; realizing later that Ford has more Academy Awards as a director than anyone. I had the impression that his films were cheesy with cliche Westerns but in fact, his oeuvre can be compared to the works of Kurosawa and Bergman. My prejudice or rather my snobbishness made me miss the richness of his movies. I had seen movie scenes of his work many times but avoided plunging in; preferring foreign directors like Fellini, Antonioni, and Kurosawa and neglecting Ford who may be the best of them all.

It was the series 'Dark Winds' about a Native American sheriff located in the immense grandeur of Monument Valley with memories fresh from my visit to the desert near Temecula in Southern California. There was a scene in the series in a hotel in the valley where Ford stayed together with his film stars when filming his movies. My interest in Native Americans increased since watching the recent movie "Killers of the Flower Moon". I visited Cherokee village in the Smoky Mountains with a close friend many years ago and the memory is still fresh with the dances and museum visit.

Going back to Ford's Westerns was a welcome change where right and wrong was clear though there were moments of complexity that gave his films a fair and realistic tinge. It felt like a return to old values when the issue was clear unlike in today's world of disinformation, lies, and confusion. So far I watched 'My Darline Clementine', 'Cheyenne Autumn', and 'The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance' and can't wait for his other films. The performance of the old movie greats was also distinctive with nuances that I did not notice when watching these greats while growing up. 

Henry Fonda, Richard Widmark, John Wayne, and James Stewart are much better actors than I remembered them to be. Their old-time allure especially of old Hollywood brings back to my mind the books of David Niven of a Los Angeles that no longer exist. I always loved LA and my recent visit due to my niece's wedding recalled back to the old days as the reception was in an old Orchard.  I cling to the past of the old movies and books of those long-ago days.

A terrible hurricane swept through the Carolinas last week bringing power outages, lost internet, and destruction to mountain communities on a Biblical scale. I was disoriented last week after the storm, going to the office for 3 days due to no internet access at home, watching the news of the devastation in Western North Carolina, and seeing downed trees and pole lines everywhere while I took advantage of the lull amidst the storm by taking a course on AI for Project Managers; an excellent course that shows a path to the future.

In this chaotic situation brought about by the weather, I also struggle with my new circumstances being in this new department in my new role for about eight months. The noise and turmoil of the election adds to this mix that I often find myself bewildered though focusing on learning new things like AI and Power BI, while trying to fix a BI issue where I am trying out new skills. The election will be done so hopefully in a peaceful manner, while the hurricane has passed and people try to get back or rebuild their lives.

Further struggles lie ahead but a welcome respite watching Ford's old Westerns, reconnecting to old values, and moving forward with one's instincts and keeping one's wits. These old movie stars with their grace and perseverance offer a kind of hope though their kind is never to be seen before. A venerable Toastmaster also passed away a few weeks ago, someone who I had admired with his English accent and manners though he was from New Zealand as if he was from an old tie when people respected each other; an impression I had from my Grandmother who also passed away; a representative of any older and kinder time and those who remain here in this work for the moment are left to continue their example.