Year End Reflection

Last week of the year was a time of reflection. I did not take any vacation like most people did in the office, instead working from home and taking online courses in sustainability. The course was an eye opener for me, to understand the science of climate change, the impact to biodiversity and the importance of the transition to low carbon lifestyle. The impact to mankind is consequential if  no change is done in our lifetime. Elon Musk is way ahead of us all by planning space travel to Mars; to be a space travelling species using his words.

I reflected on the the stressful events I encountered this year and tried the writing protocol for trauma, writing for at least 15 minutes for 4 days. The act was a relief as I recalled painful events but writing my thoughts brought order and clarity. The change in my job position, new assignments + new people in the organization and new ways of working required a positive mindset in order to adapt and change. Recognition from my department manager during our Christmas party was a welcome vindication that my actions ( and others in the department) were correct.

I deepened my practice and study of meditation and mindfulness, continue to clear out my garage, read on artificial intelligence, took courses on breathing, changed my phone and learned more about my EV. The clutter in my garage, dining room table, working table,etc. made me aware that I may have ADHD but mays also be based on trauma according to a podcast by a de-cluttering expert. Decluttering has been transformative; being aware of my impulsiveness, day-dreaming on possible futures and the impact of such mindset to my work habits.

Last week was also heartwarming as I reconnected with old friends from high school and college, getting best wishes and greeting for my birthday + season's greeting. Group chats created with old schools buddies who were interested in comics - geeks who still love super heroes,  another group chat with drinking buddies and life friends through out the years, never having lost contact; well wishes from old acquaintances at  work and in past organizations. I feel blessed with this outpouring of camaraderie from an older time before the internet.

A close cousin also passed away suddenly which saddened me. Life is indeed precious that one must live the best way one can with the time left. I grieve his loss and remember the good times together with the rest of our clan while growing up. Another close cousin had also passed away last year who was much younger than me. Perhaps this is the reason this past weeks felt more precious, with people reaching out and re-discovering each other, to reflect and possibly lead a more fruitful life.

MBCT and ACT

I finished 2 good courses on mindfulness and meditation. Actually meditation is the tool that helps you achieve mindfulness though one can achieve mindfulness by other means. Both courses are based in England which I did not expect. The last course was MBCT or Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy which combined both mindfulness and psychology theory which is the inevitable direction for mind based therapy. I do notice improvements in being in the moment as well as experiencing more episodes of procrastination by mindless surfing.

The episodes of procrastination is more to escape work stress and pressure; with to many things going on which require automatic action, or otherwise work will pile-up. I persist to relax and avoid being stressed as anxiety is also a mental construct as a result of rumination. However, mindless surfing the internet does waste time and prevent me from working on my other goals of being a writer. Hence, it it the fear of failure and performing that causes this type of procrastination that often ends up in self-gratification : a false sense of accomplishment.

I am also studying ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which allows me to manage emotions that come out of my mental constructs based on the change of my job role and the feelings of shame, anger plus flashes of revenge. Job transitions are difficult especially if one leaves the 'field of battle' with the feeling of being a failure and anger; at not being supported and being prepared for the job. My therapist said I clearly did right by extracting myself from a difficult situation. This is where the acceptance comes in and the commitment to a better path that fits my temperament.   

Mindfulness is also important in ACT which all comes together with meditation practice. I do see my challenges as also due to a possible ADHD affliction which can also be managed by meditation. I have gone through a learning process with my self-reflection and practice of meditation. I also started listening to Eckhart Tolle's new YouTube channel though I have read his work in the past. He does provide soothing words in the dark of night when rumination starts.

In fact, I have gone all in with my attempt to start anew - to transform myself with the new challenges ahead. From clearing my garage, getting rid of old stuff, recognizing impulse buying that lead to clutter, replacing my gas car with an EV, listening to Binaural beats to focus the mind and get sleep, using magnetic resonance devices and my old tDSC electrical device to stimulate my brain plus deeper and focused meditation practice. plus adding a licensed therapist session to the mix.

There is a clear attempt to transformation, to be a better person by technology, a new way of life, new learning and education on new tools. This urge is the really reason for this blog in the first place as a way of self-reflection. Perhaps I am doing too much when change can be as simple as being awake and turning left instead of right. Sometimes doing too much may make things worse and confuse more.