Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Labor Day Weekend 2013

I took leave on Friday which provided me with a 4 day weekend with the Labor Day holiday, where I spent 2 mornings and an afternoon playing golf with friends from the office. I wanted to travel somewhere but did not have the urge, settling on golf which is just as good, playing for roughly 4 hours talking, walking, and drinking beer. I also spent most of the time watching the HBO series ‘The Newsroom’ and the several DVDs that I had borrowed from the library, plus my usual rush through a pile of borrowed magazines, again questioning my sanity and priority. I had planned to work during the holiday, just to catch up on work, but just spent a few hours on Friday and procrastinating for the rest of the weekend, hopefully I will be more successful on the last day after my last game of golf for the weekend holiday.

I feel that I am just clawing my way out of the pile of work that overwhelmed me; e-mails, administrative work, meetings, phone calls, getting things done while trying to get rid of my anxiety which is irrational fear according to a book I am reading on being a creative coach. There is just to many demons in my mind, demons of self-doubt preventing me from moving forward, lacking the self-confidence, but due to the expectations one just needs to perform, and ‘perform’ is the best description, or leading because of the inadequacy of the team at some certain times, complacent and preferring to ease forward, hoping that problems disappear. Unfortunately, one finds himself with the technical insight and ability, despite playing a small role, to move events forward, like a catalyst, not doing the actual heroic work but nudging the bits forward with the insight of age and experience – the backroom operator.

Nevertheless, the mind always tries to escape, reluctant to accept responsibility whether at work, in my creative dreams and in real life personal problems, preferring to flee by reading books and magazines and watching movies, thinking that this is the ‘real’ life; lost in the fantasy world of entertainment. Sadly, there is no other way; the responsibility is clear and one must step forward, otherwise one will lose the battle in the theater of the office, or lose in the real life responsibilities that command shame; an attribute shared by one’s spoiled parents, who lived a sheltered life while neglecting everyday problems until age drove them into the lonely twilight of reduced cognition, perhaps dreaming of those wonderful days of the past, when one had parties and reunions with long dead relatives, uncles and cousins scattered out in the world with their own life struggles as time moves on. It is the children who need to pick up the pieces.

The volume of work and problems do not cease that one must keep moving, punching and doing what one can until one masters the new battlefield and rise above the litter of everyday stuff. I am glad for the 4 –day weekend, a welcome respite considering that one has not had a vacation for some time, preferring to shave a day off by taking leave on Fridays before the weekend and one finds the end of the year close at hand, nevertheless a time to read books and reflect.  The action is clear and one has the answers therefore one needs to move without thinking of the fruits of the labor just the act itself. But I had insomnia the other night, awaking in the early morning at 3 am or 5 am in the weekend of the holiday, but time not wasted as spent reading self-help books to kick start the writing of a novel and the creative life. One plans a few hours of work later today, a little bit of effort to climb out of the pile.


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