Filling the Well

A number of milestones where crossed this week. The most significant is the completion of the rollout in all North American (7) warehouses, the second is the completion of the design draft, the filing of my 2011 income tax and the completion of housework before my wife arrived from vacation last night. I also cleaned my white board (full of graffiti for at least 6 months) and completed reading some overdue magazines at my desk plus worked on my first cross word puzzle as an aging adult. I also had a chance to look at the pictures, read the article, watched the PowerPoint presentation and video of an important meeting I missed a week ago when I was in Michigan. Next Monday I will get a new lap top computer, discuss my objectives for this year as well as a performance review for the past year with my current and former boss.  I feel that I am about to turn a corner, considering also that I started a process last week to re-finance my housing loan from a 30 year variable mortgage to a 15 year fixed term loan. I cannot help but feel that a watershed event has been crossed, moving towards a different and exciting year ahead with new projects and, hopefully, more learning and travel.

It’s the year of the dragon after all, the most significant astrological sign in the Chinese New Year, a year that portends change; but glad to note that my birth year – the year of the rabbit – bodes well under the dragon year but with some challenges. Yesterday I attended an audit with some foreign auditors, skilled interviewers checking on our work, thinking that I answered their questions well, together with the other analysts in our department, thinking that I am ahead of my game after working in the same position for many years now. I can also be considered a veteran, working for 17 years in the company, all those years in information technology, experiencing the waves of changes sweeping the department as new trends, new leaders brought forth new ideas, different ways of doing things and so on, emerging years later after the last major convulsion in a new job at a new office across the Pacific ocean and into the new world.  It feels like it was only now that I begun to grasp the changes that have gone through my life and work, the significance of what I had weathered; maybe after some quiet time after the completion of my major project and solitude during my wife’s absence.

I had a chance to assess where I was at this stage, looked at the progress I had at Toastmasters, classes attended in creative writing and the certification at my job. There is an opportunity being offered for a new role, something that I still have to think about when extended, feeling challenged and eager to go ahead. But this morning I felt drained, attended a meeting in the morning and felt shy amongst the other big guns in the department; a similar feeling before - a sense of being overwhelmed as head of my local club, a feeling of inadequacy. It’s like I needed to replenish the well that is now empty; the water drained out; maybe my years of rushing forward at projects with ‘the seat of my pants’ method; feeling that the stress has finally come to haunt me. It’s like all the ideas have been exhausted and a time of renewal is needed; a vacation, a hike in the hills, playing golf or travel to distant lands. But I soon received a mail about a delivery of the new software baseline, more testing is needed, back to the old game but with different eyes. It feels like the world has changed around me, people looking at me differently, my awareness increased like a battle is about to commence, the stillness before the coming explosion.