Back to Work

My trip to California and Oregon was a welcome break. To revisit a different world and way of life to what one has not experienced enough; the West Coast vibe, the spectacular scenery such as the California coastlines and surrounding hills, desert landscape (Anza-Borrego Desert State Park), Oregon parks and waterfalls, Portland with it's quirky atmosphere, Willamette Valley and Silver Falls State Park. Wedding was the best I have attended, a young couple with bright, fun spirit and their visible love and affection; reception in a former Orchard under beautiful blue sky, drinking wine and meeting wonderful people.

We rented a house with a pool in Orange County near the church and reception venue, to avoid the traffic coming Menifee. The house was beside a park where I walked in the morning with other regular park goers; mostly Asian living in the neighborhood which made me feel more at home. I always loved Los Angeles having lived here in my youth; living with my father and brother working on a real estate project, going to work in a factory in City of Industry from our home in Glendale. Old memories came back to me especially of our trips along the highway, visits to Las Vegas, travelling the Pacific Coast highway from San Francisco to Los Angeles.

I have been to Los Angeles a few times since moving here nearly 15 years ago. I always have good memories of California;  of the feeling of freedom and being in the future. The wedding made me understand time is indeed moving fast plus my approaching retirement in a couple years. I wondered if my life had gone as planned. I looked tired and old in the wedding pictures; with old memories and old ways of thinking. I imagined that visiting California and Oregon would return me to my youth, to make me see the world as a young man and be imbued with new ideas and purpose. It was a fleeting feeling on the days after I returned home.

I completed one course on mindfulness and meditation and completing another. Based on evidence, the practice of meditation and mindfulness are proven ways to transform the mind. This will be the way to change not just a trip or vacation to the West Coast! I also started a new session with an experience therapist using my company benefit. My minds tries to go back to old patterns of toxic rumination and on consciously reminds one self to keep one's mind away from the gutter. My daily practice makes me aware of these thoughts and to seek a different framework of think; one filled with hope, optimism and light.

Running the Years

I will be in Los Angeles for my niece's wedding. Afterward, I will be in Oregon to visit my son. It will be a good vacation seeing my brother in California and revising my son. The wedding is a significant milestone in our clan's life as the first marriage of our children.  The years have gone by quickly with the challenges of life affecting our generation: 2 first cousins with a stroke, another dead with a stroke as well, and nieces and nephews growing up getting married and having kids.  

I also have my own challenges at work with the younger generation coming up and we struggle through the changes in the company, meeting new people, and adjusting to technology changes like artificial intelligence. Last week a project I managed went live with almost zero issues which is a rarity as people rush their projects to go live and meet deadlines without proper testing and preparation. Our team got a lot of praise, some from top management and I got credit for leading the project.

It is a welcome development for me as I am in my new or rather old role as project manager, surviving the last year as scrum manager without proper training and support and with our preparation from management. I survived the transition with meditation, reflection, and a little therapy; using this situation to get more training and learn new subjects like artificial intelligence.  AI is heralded to be a watershed like the coming of computers that will change all facets of life.

I have heard such stories before with blockchain, digital currencies like Bitcoin, and other new technologies that did not quite meet their potential. I will soon purchase an electric vehicle: a VW ID4 standard, the cheapest SUV that one could get, and claim the tax credit. Learning to live with an EV would be different and would be perfect with the solar panels I installed last year. In the twilight of my career, I still try to be relevant by keeping up with the latest trends and get the same feeling I got reading Alvin Toffler's 'Future Shock' which heralded a new world.

I just read the book about having a digital mindset, as if the mind can be molded into something new, to adapt to this new world of massive data and artificial intelligence that somehow would change one's life.  I reflected on the way my mind has worked all these years as I cleared out the stuff in my garage, my impulse buying of new gadgets, the chaotic way I tried to store these stuff and eventually donate or sell these items in the Facebook marketplace; realizing that my mind was working on impulses and daydreams perhaps with a touch of ADHD.

I realize that that type of mindset made me succeed in my role these past many years until it did not; I got overwhelmed; not realizing that I had sunk into a hole of my own making until I managed to crawl out. Management was not exactly the best and one had to accept and live with the situation. But I got out into the light with new technologies and ways of thinking to discover and thrive in.

Old Friend

Yesterday I connected with a colleague who worked in China who knew an old friend of mine who died last March. We reminisced in the chat as we remotely remembered his brilliance and untiring devotion to his craft, he was a true legend and an expert in his field who unfortunately was a heavy smoker. He had a stroke and died after a few days. The outpouring of grief and remembrance was evident on his Facebook page. I was shocked when I heard the news disbelieving he was dead because of his outsized personality and larger than life to many people in Thailand,  China, Philippines, India and other places where he set up the logistics network. 

He never faltered in his career and everyone knew his contribution to the company. In retrospect, I am reading the book 'The Greatest Trade Ever'  about the big short on the housing market that made a small group of contrarian very wealthy. These people were thought to be over the hill, in the twilight of their career , personalities that did not fit the prevailing ethos of the current workplace they were in. Instead, believing in their own genius and went on toward their lonely path, eventually to greatness.

I am not like my my old friend, instead similarly to those people in the big short who listend to the beat of their own distant drums. I am an outsider who is never comfortable as squad lead, who did not like to be in the spotlight of being a leader. I think  I did have my moments but I always felt awkward. Looking back at my notes, I did mention that I prefer to act alone as a project manager rather than a scrum master.In fact I did apply for the post of project manager but due to a screw up (in my point of view) was shifted into this position which I just waltzed into, thinking my current skills will see me through.

It did not help that I was not given the training so  I did the best I could and the stupid management team clueless as well went to the clumsy attempts to try to improve me or convince me to go to another post. In the end, like a good soldier, I moved to the the post that I had originally applied for, accepting the responsibility or blame that my immediate management did not have the courage or decency to accept the judgement of being in the chain of command. I feel like one of those characters in the book looking for their place in the sun. 

I miss my old friend with the certainity of his convictions and the courage of his beliefs to move ahead to get things done no mattter the consequences. So I lurk in the shadows improving my mind through meditation, to keep my wits and sanity as I transition into this role, attending remote seminars on project management, learning new skils in building a second brain, reflecting and working on new projects as I try to get unstuck. In fact, it is not as bad as I make it seem as I have many supporters and friends and the company is kind. It is not a bad world afterall. 

Mind + Wandering = Procrastination

Last week I was able to complete the online courses I needed to finish for the year. This was probable the most fruitful work I did all week although I did engage in several good meeting on various projects and topics. A fair amount of procrastination occurred which I tried to manage by moving to my other work space in my bed room in the afternoon coming from my son's room where I  work in the morning. I do get bored in lose focus and attention if I stay in one place and see the need to move to regain focus. Also , the sun sets in my son's room which make the place warmer.

In my son's room, my 2 monitors are set up one on top of the other in a vertical alignment while my monitors in the my bedroom are set-up on a horizontal alignment. The different alignment allows me a fresh change. Yesterday I decided to only have 2 monitors active, instead of 3   which include my laptop but this has not helped me and perhaps contribute to confusion when I try to juggle multiple screens or work spaces. So I close the cover of my lap top monitor and work in the 2 external monitors. Simplicity does help in reducing mental confusion.

I am always in my head, thinking about solutions and next steps that I end up paralyzed and not moving as fast as needed. I will start externalizing my thinking by writing in notebook or tablet or eRemarkable or in my whiteboard or post it board to bring out the ideas in my head. Doodling and bullet lists and short observations or sentences should stimulate and better facilitate the needed action. I have the bad habit of thinking that I should write out the ideas in long form, in well thought off paragraphs like in an essay which is actually the finish product - a well though of action plan. Instead scribbling or doodling is an the act of thinking and moving forward already.

I like to do mind mapping but I tend to think through first what needs to be in the map when one should just do - it without any fully formed thoughts as the act of mapping without thinking is the idea as the exercise will stimulate the needed mental activity. Same with other external tools in my smart phone or devices : to - do list, calendars, note taking. My grand plan of trying our Build a Second Brain (BASB) concept has further confused me with all the jumble of ideas and tools that can be used to achieve the goal of externalizing the mind. Hence, I end up in my head with too much churning ideas.

Amidst the jumble of these mental activities plus the thinking involved in my work projects, training and personal projects like writing a book and cleaning out my garage, my mind leaps into day dreams; thinking about plots of revenge in office politics, or future dream states such as being rich and famous after writing bestseller or living in Europe or making high grossing films or future romances or escapades. These day dreams get triggered when I am bored or when a perceived slight occurs in the office, or  when I am stressed or anxious due to perceived external threats ( losing my job) that the mind escapes into fantasy.

Hence my attempts to do more meditation, to be more mindful of my mental gyrations and to be in the moment. But meditation is not enough to succeed in my my life and work. Being a knowledge worker requires the mind to be in top shape, using the latest tools and through externalizing thinking and having good habits and a conducive workspace. This is all the more important as one grows older with the mind losing it's former youthful power but with a potential to compensate for it's age with brain  plasticity. Is this were gadgets like TCDS (electric current ) or PEMF ( magnetic waves ) help the brain keep up.?             

Remote Training

Last week I attended a Zoom training for 4 days. Despite being remote, the seminar went well as the 2 trainers were extremely knowledgeable and experienced. They organized breakout rooms, effectively grouping people together and giving us small projects for each team to discuss and present. The  technology allowed us to interact and engage with each other despite not being physically together. I admit I lost my shyness by keeping our cameras open and interacting with other people.

Since moving into my new role, I have gotten back to my PMI world as PM, getting PDU units to keep my accreditation. I plan to also continue my Toastmaster membership and attend meetings. The decision for leave my former role was the right thing to do and I have to bear whatever burden and loss that may bring. I read an old journal entry where I recorded my conversation with the former manager and I told him that I wanted to leave the squad and act on my own as project manager. 

The challenge would be not to succumb to self pity and paranoia but to strike out in my new role and excel like I always do in projects. There is a path forward if I keep my wits and initiative, and the journey will be a rebirth, to get unstuck and recover from stress and anxiety. It is a good sign that this month I have the best sleep score than the previous months which shows I am heading back to a more saner life.

I am getting back my old confidence being away from working with people, organizing weekly activities and getting things done. I see the progress and new method being used and the change happening to the squad and glad the are thriving under the new squad leader. I am glad to have experienced that role and to meet with each of the squad member but this was not my wheelhouse. I am glad to have gotten the mental space and bandwidth to do project and also personally to finally focus on my project to write a novel.

AI has brought a new path forward and this new technology makes senses for me to use. Never have I imagined that such a tool would exist that would perfectly fit my situation and aptitude. I may have stumbled into an area that may fit exactly my temperament and skills (or lack thereof). A door has opened and it's up to me to focus, master the new technology and move ahead.

Crossing to the Other Side

Last week was spent on the new project I am managing which is migrating to critical systems to a new way of transmission. No one in the head office in Europe is available despite the fact that these applications are managed overseas. Not a major endeavor but the applications are critical enough to need serious attention. I am working with a young Indian specialist who is overweight but is hardworking and open to my suggestions.

My mental health is much better and I have been sleeping more based on the statistics for the month. My move to my new role has made me do less as I turn over my work to a new guy who seems much older than me or perhaps slightly younger. He has a family with grown children lives at a lake nearby and owns a boat. Clearly, this position requires someone who is experienced. and able to handle stress. He underwent a good orientation with the squad going through workshops to change their way of working.

I do not see my departure as a failure as I did not receive the same level of training and support from the management team. They have acknowledged that I was not given the right preparation for my new role. In fact, I applied for a different post which changed mid-stream without my knowing of the change. Also, new people have been added without proper planning. The situation was a mess and I was caught in the middle trying to do everything and make things work.

I have transitioned to my new role and behaved in a manner that is helpful to both the squad and the new person. I have decided to take the high road, not to be resentful and embittered but to move on. I am stuck on some other projects with my old way of thinking. Clearly, the game has changed beneath my feet and I did the right thing to withdraw from the field of battle and chart a new way forward. I was listening to a book about what to do when one is stuck to accepting one situation and moving on.

I decided to focus on AI and devote my energies toward this new field. There is great promise with all that I have heard, read, and seen. This is a new beginning for me, a way to start afresh and devote attention, effort, and time to pivot to this new way of working. This path will be my salvation and perhaps help me achieve my goal of finally being a novelist.

At Riverside

Last Saturday I was at Riverside Arts District in Asheville North Carolina, enjoying an afternoon beside the French Broad River, in lawn chairs watching the river flow before me with people rafting by in rubber tubes. The weather was excellent with a simmering blue sky and lazy clouds drifting by. We sat below tall trees and talked about many things with my cousins who I hadn't seen for some time. He and his wife live in Alberta, Canada, and are on vacation, staying in a condo in the Smoky Mountains. 

Before meeting my cousins, I went to the Art Museum which had only a few exhibits, and was disappointed at the price charge which was too much for a few exhibits but the art lifted me as most art museums do and the rooftop views of the surrounding city and hills compensated a little. We walked the main street outside the museum with the interesting restaurants across the street. There were a lot of people as we drove around the city before heading to the river and there was the vibe of a young and off-beat city with young people about and quirky places to go.

We ate at Smoky Park, a restaurant near the river's edge that served funky sandwiches. I had a beer and we walked out to the edge and sat on the chairs to see the river flow by. The beautiful day was a good break from the hectic week and I was glad to leave the city and go the the mountains. When my cousins arrived and after a time sitting and talking, we walked to a nearby beer house and bought a burger and fries. Ashville is famous for its craft beers but I did not feel like drinking as I would be driving back.

The next day, Sunday, we went on our usual bike ride on the swamp rabbit trail. There were fewer people in the park on Sundays as compared to Saturdays. The next day was Labor Day and I went to the gym to walk on the treadmill and go the poll and swim. In the past, I used to go to the gym on the weekend just to swim but I felt better after my workout if I used the treadmill first to exercise my legs before going for my swim. Going out to the countryside and having a regular exercise regime is important to maintain your sanity in the stressful world.