Running the Years

I will be in Los Angeles for my niece's wedding. Afterward, I will be in Oregon to visit my son. It will be a good vacation seeing my brother in California and revising my son. The wedding is a significant milestone in our clan's life as the first marriage of our children.  The years have gone by quickly with the challenges of life affecting our generation: 2 first cousins with a stroke, another dead with a stroke as well, and nieces and nephews growing up getting married and having kids.  

I also have my own challenges at work with the younger generation coming up and we struggle through the changes in the company, meeting new people, and adjusting to technology changes like artificial intelligence. Last week a project I managed went live with almost zero issues which is a rarity as people rush their projects to go live and meet deadlines without proper testing and preparation. Our team got a lot of praise, some from top management and I got credit for leading the project.

It is a welcome development for me as I am in my new or rather old role as project manager, surviving the last year as scrum manager without proper training and support and with our preparation from management. I survived the transition with meditation, reflection, and a little therapy; using this situation to get more training and learn new subjects like artificial intelligence.  AI is heralded to be a watershed like the coming of computers that will change all facets of life.

I have heard such stories before with blockchain, digital currencies like Bitcoin, and other new technologies that did not quite meet their potential. I will soon purchase an electric vehicle: a VW ID4 standard, the cheapest SUV that one could get, and claim the tax credit. Learning to live with an EV would be different and would be perfect with the solar panels I installed last year. In the twilight of my career, I still try to be relevant by keeping up with the latest trends and get the same feeling I got reading Alvin Toffler's 'Future Shock' which heralded a new world.

I just read the book about having a digital mindset, as if the mind can be molded into something new, to adapt to this new world of massive data and artificial intelligence that somehow would change one's life.  I reflected on the way my mind has worked all these years as I cleared out the stuff in my garage, my impulse buying of new gadgets, the chaotic way I tried to store these stuff and eventually donate or sell these items in the Facebook marketplace; realizing that my mind was working on impulses and daydreams perhaps with a touch of ADHD.

I realize that that type of mindset made me succeed in my role these past many years until it did not; I got overwhelmed; not realizing that I had sunk into a hole of my own making until I managed to crawl out. Management was not exactly the best and one had to accept and live with the situation. But I got out into the light with new technologies and ways of thinking to discover and thrive in.

Sins of the Father

Last week was catch-up week after returning from California, after laboring remotely; trying to continue my job after 2 weeks of working on the fly, catching moments in the hospital waiting room or at the lodgings to do work, attend meetings and make phone calls.  I had arrived Saturday on the 19 of October in the morning fog after nearly missing my plane from LAX the night before, the nurses scrambling to find a way to get me to the airport, finding a web site in the Internet, finally booking a ride  on a shuttle bus powered by natural gas. I had spent the day praying, sitting beside him and reading from the Bible, happy to see improvements in the early evening, allowing the doctor to finally pull the tube from his mouth, my time in the chapel and at his bedside had provided comfort. But I left Los Angeles without seeing him conscious although great improvement the next day as he was no longer sedated; he was sitting down and standing up, listening to the therapist and exercising; small steps in the difficult journey of rehabilitation. After arriving in Charlotte, I rented a car and went to IKEA to do shopping; retail therapy to reduce stress.

During the week since I got back, I was reading my mail and working on many outstanding requests,  but I was able to watch a movie (‘Gravity’ in IMAX 3D) the night after my arrival and going swimming on Sunday morning; trying to get back to normality. So I felt good but tired back in the office but there was a lot to do, following–up people and responding to email. A lot of work had piled up and I had interesting but stressful exchanges with the customers, while dreading phone calls from California in the evenings after work, fearful of the possible bureaucratic and legal mess aside from his health problems, feeling pressure because of the urge to help but unable to do anything else; the well is dried up and one is running on empty. I prayed to God on my last day, trying to make sense of the tragedy hoping for a second chance, for a different life from the one that burdened him, oppressed by decisions of the past;  the sins of the father coming to haunt his sons despite the urge to do good for his children but created a nightmare decades later.

I had also neglected my duties in Toastmasters, missing the deadline for the payment of dues, nearly failing to attend the conference last Saturday, 26th October, but managing to scramble for a place but ending in shame as my wife called during a speech contest; my reaction was like a fool scrambling to get away in front of many people.   I had thought that I would forget my troubles by doing a speech at our meeting and attending the conference, but there is no escape from my everyday problems, rising up to contribute their own stress to the already filled container. Suffering happens because of desire, and I wanted so many things, to be healthy and go to the gym, to do my duties as an officer of the club, to do well at my new role in the office, scrambling to lead a model life but deep inside the memory of him recovering in the hospital;  I wanted to run but came to face more problems in one’s own world. There is too much stress that one escapes from it, watching movies and being self-indulgent, to fantasize and settle into some drug induced stupor like sleeping in opium dens in the Singapore of the past, to escape the harshness of life. But there is no escaping one’s trouble even those committed long ago by an ill informed father trying to help his children have a better future. Instead, resulting in tragedy and heart disease.

California Vacation

We spent two weeks in lovely California – split between Los Angeles and San Francisco. My boss said it’s the land of fruit and nuts (meaning ‘wackos’). My memories are of the Palm Beach Mountains where we played in the snow, riding sleds and going up and down the tramway. It was a good holiday to meet relatives after not seeing them for so long. My wife and kids finally got to meet the folks. It’s the 5th biggest economy in the world as someone has said and one just see it in the labyrinth highways crisscrossing the state. Most Californians seem to drive 2 to 4 hours everyday to and from work.


Listening to Hunter Thompson book ‘Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas’ seems an apt thing to do while driving down the Pacific Coast highway from San Francisco to Los Angeles. It was a hair raising drive along the wind swept cliff hugging roads and seeing the beautiful houses in the hills, hidden back in the mountains of Big Sur and always the waves lapping the white beaches seen in the great cliffs of the coast. I was reminded of some pictures I have seen about the English coast with stretches of desolate beaches amides the winds and surf. Someday I hope to live there possible somewhere in Monterrey like Carmel by the Sea.


Thompson’s book reeks of the craziness brought about by drugs, alcohol and a hedonistic lifestyle. Brilliantly creative and destructive all at once seem to caricature the Californian lifestyle. The boom and bust cycles reverberate where the rich in Orange County declare bankruptcy and with the economy strong enough to stand with the likes of China and Japan but strangely in the brink of insolvency. It’s a wild ride with superstars in Hollywood and first rate museums and well known writers like John Steinbeck and Jack London living side by side in lore. Also, perhaps of F. Scott Fitzgerald drinking himself to oblivion while writing screenplays for the movie studios after losing his talent many years ago.

California is the future as some say with the aggressive citizenry and state’s rights, with people voting for gay rights, capping local county taxes, selling marijuana and with a governor straight out of Hollywood. It’s like creativity is naturally in the air. Going to the Getty Museum up in the Santa Monica hills without paying a cent (except for parking) and looking at the incredible displays is something that one cannot do anywhere in the world. Ah to live in California with all its hectic living, diversity in races and diversity in natural resources seems like a dream. Hopefully, these can be yearly visits where we can spend the Christmas season with relatives and enjoy the freedom to exist in one of the interesting states in the union.